wires4u - I have a similar problem to you. I have a lot of trouble emotionally bonding. I have been doing some research into it and I think it has to do with the way I was raised. I had an alcoholic father and both of my parents were emotionally unavailable, dad cheated and they divorced when I was 16. We got very little praise or attention. My relationship with my dad has always been shaky. Apparently I have co-dependency issues because of it, and I look for the attention to make me feel good. I am 31 also, and in good shape for my age (and, no I am not trying to brag), I get hit on a lot and it can be very hard to resist the temptation. I had an affair that I got caught in. The pain I caused my husband made me re-evaluate my ways. I, like you, rationalized that I didn't love my husband any less, I would do my best to separate myself from my M when I was with OM. <p>The thing you have to really stop and think about is how your wife will feel if she finds out. Do you really not care that she will be devestated by this? How would you feel if she had been doing the same all along? That's whay I had to ask myself... would I want to envision my H making love to another woman the way I did with OM? Or even sharing the intimacies we did. The visions my H must be dealing with now, when I think about it I cringe. He used to look at me with such an innocent, un-inhibited look of love... now I feel like that look is tainted. It's something I can never take back. He said he never loved me any less when he found out, just now he sees me differently, knows what I am truly capable of. I will not bash you, but I would say it would benefit you greatly to get to the bottom of why you need this attention from other women.

Hi wires4u,<p>I'm glad you are still posting. Any chance you are trying to prove to yourself that you can be with a woman and succeed in NOT getting emotionally involved. Like you may be trying to prove to yourself that you won't let a woman get close enough emotionally to hurt you again like your former GF.<p>This emotional self-defense strategy might also be preventing you from dedicating yourself to your W on an emotionally intimate level. It is a hopeful sign that you truly do care for her. <p>What are your thoughts about going to see a counselor, wires4u? Are you willing to give it a try? Making the decision to open up to someone can be intimidating, but you might need to take your first steps in self-analysis with a third party, someone who does not know you.<p>If nothing else, look at your behavior from a selfish point of view. Are you content with who you are? Are you your best you? Are you strong enough to look for the best you? What do you want your child to think about you? Let us know what you think.<p>Estes<p>[ March 20, 2002: Message edited by: Estes49 ]</p>

WHAT ABOUT DISEASE? AND PASSING SOMETHING ON TO YOUR UNSUSPECTING WIFE?

hi wires,
maybe you need to go back, process the pain that you hid when you were cheated on? Not all women are responsible for the pain your exgf caused you.
Maybe this is way off base, but I am just throwing out ideas, trying to help you.
My h had a lot of issues that he chose to not deal with. Sure, he thought he dealt with them! In retrospect he never did-he hoarded the pain so he could justify his affairs.
Make sense?
(((((hugs))))) cl

Okay then! Time for "Role Play", Wires.<p>I am your old GF who dumped you. I had no idea I hurt you that bad. I want to hear what you have to say about what I did to you, how you felt ... spew away, I wanna hear it.<p>Signed,
Wires Cheatin Old GF<p>[ March 20, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Wires,<p>Sorry you felt criticised earlier...I'm sure after all these responses you can take things a little less defensively.<p>As I read through everyones replies I felt really good about how youre progressing and I'm encouraged. Youve really changed in your attitude, for the best, so hang in there and keep pouring out your heart. No one knows you here so you can spill your guts.<p>Have you booked in to see a good counselor yet?<p>I know the role play thing sounded funny (I cracked up when I read it - not disrepesctfully) but I really recommend you make a response to it.<p>Remember, this forum can support you and give you advice, but you need to get professional help above all. You need to have some sort of accountability to help you follow through the decisions you'll be making.<p>Thinking of you each day! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]