STD Question - I Don't Agree with Counselor's Assessment

Hello Everyone,I'm new here. I have a very delicate question to ask regarding STDs. My H and I have been married for 12 years. He had an A (EA/PA) in year 11 of our marriage. He contracted an STD during the A, Genital Herpes. We have been in counseling for a little over a year to help with recovery of the A.The fact that my H contracted this STD has really been a big problem for me. I feel like he has changed our sex life forever, in the negative sense. I don't want to share his disease and he knows this. He has agreed to use condoms whenever he is contagious, however I don't trust that he would since he was irresponsible enough to have an A and not use a condom in the first place. I also have heard that a condom isn't always a sure fire way to ensure you won't be infected.Now our counselor has said that the disease isn't a big deal, like catching a cold. She keeps encouraging me not to worry about it and to relax my requests for my H to use a condom. That even if I caught it, it's no biggie.Okay, I agree with her that if you FIRST met someone and they told you they had GH, then you could decide for yourself if you wanted to continue with the relationship and perhaps marry. You are offered all the information and can make a choice for yourself.I have argued with our counselor, and my H, stating that I feel the counselor is wrong on this. It's not a simple "cold" we're talking about here. It's a disease that never goes away, that is painful and has potential to completely impair your sex life. I do not want to Divorce my H, I love him very much ... it's HIS ACTIONS that I hate and the poor decisions that he made which resulted in both of us suffering. I want intimacy with my H and plan on us working this out some way. Maybe with some of the new drugs they are offering it will help with his break outs.My problem is with my counselor, I think she is wrong. I think she should be supporting me for my H to agree to be honest about his breakouts and wear a condom when appropriate to protect me from being infected. I really need to know what all of you think about this. I badly need your opinion on whether you think I should just bag my request for condom use and follow my counselor's advice. This issue could make or break our marriage.BTW ... whenever our counselor brings this up, my H gets the idea that what he did wasn't that big of a deal, having an A and catching GH. That the counselor is somehow on his side, and he has said so.[ April 04, 2002: Message edited by: Rachel Winston ]

Rachel---Let me give you another look at maybe what your C is trying to do. First, I agree that if it is more comfortable for you at this time for your H to try to protect you from the disease then I think you have the right to ask him to do that and he should respect that. But it may be that your C sees this issue as a major stumbling block toward your recovery and the chance to regain the marriage you had, and she may be trying to make that easier by easing your mind some. If she is saying, however, that your H does not need to respect your wishes, then perhaps she has gone a bit too far 'cause i tdoesn't seem to be easing your mind any and you really need to make her aware of how strongly you feel.One suggestion I have for you is to look up information about herpes. Put herpes into a search engine and look at what is being said at some of the internet sites that counsel others who have it or whose spouse does.This will give you some solid facts that will be helpful in making whatever decision you need to make on this issue rather than relying on what may or may not be true or what you have heard from others...including your counselor.Good luck to youE

Is your counselor nuts??? GH is nothing like catching a common cold. My sister was a virgin when she married her husband. He had GH and never knew he had it but was able to pass it on to her. Imagine her surprise when six months after the marriage she found out she had a STD. The only reason I know, because this is not something you talk about over the dinner table, was because when she had a child she had to have a cesarean so as not to pass it on to the child. Something you might want to think about if you don’t have children. Now from what I understand not everybody gets the disease at the same intensity. My brother-in-law has never had an outbreak even though he’s a carrier. Others though get it more often and have to take drugs every day. Some only get an outbreak once in awhile and only have to take the pills for 5 days to clear it up. My girlfriend, the only other person I know who has it, had it so bad that when she had an outbreak she had to hire a babysitter to watch her kids because every time she went to the bathroom she would faint due to the pain and couldn’t be left alone. She got it from her cheating husband who also left her alone with three little babies all under the age of 4. So in response to the counselor saying it’s just like a cold I would say, personally I don’t like getting colds and I would never purposely setout to try to get a cold and I certainly am not going to purposely set out to get this disease and then I would continue to protect myself how I see fit.

Having been on the recieving end of a WS's stupidity I think it is a totally big deal.You do not need to get this little germie. It is not nice and can also be transfered in other ways besides intercourse.My first step for you would be to have you sit down with your gyn and get the whole scoop. What protects from it, what doesn't, what it can mean in the broad scheme of things. If he has one STD he is vulnerable to getting others, HIV can be very preditory that way. I assume that you have both been tested, and were protected until the 6 month test?This is not a matter that can be brushed off or made smaller than it is. He made a choice, and is experiencing consequences. You do not have to experience all of the consequences from his choice.Now our counselor has said that the disease isn't a big deal, like catching a cold. She keeps encouraging me not to worry about it and to relax my requests for my H to use a condom. That even if I caught it, it's no biggie.Obviously your counselor is a MSW or PhD, not an MD. I can pretty much promise that an MD will tell you that it is a big deal, not like a cold at all, and if you catch it, it is a big deal.Herpes (HSV 1, 2, or 3) is a virus not a bacteria. It cannot be cured. It keeps coming back, and there is medication to help with outbreaks, but that medication does not stop outbreaks or make you less contagious. It does not go away with a shot in the butt, or a round of pennicillin. Sorry, I wish I could be supportive and back your counselor up here, but I can't. I do sense though that you have issues of responsibility with him that leech over into the herpes issue. Maybe you need to take control of the condom issue, and that way you will not be able to use it as a blaming thing.Good luck hon, I know it ain't fun.Elizabeth

Well, I'll go out on a limb and say I think your MC is wrong. Actually, this does not require a limb at all, it is an easy call from where I am.GH is not a 'cold'; and your H having contracted it during an A means that the active GH phases will be a regular reminder that he not only had an A, but he put your health and possibly your life at risk.In addition to this, insisting that your H use a condom after you know that he has had unprotected sex with another person is a very appropriate thing to do, even if he did not contract a STD. It takes at least 6 months after the last sexual contact to be certain that HIV is not present, and some healthcare professionals suggest waiting a full year (and negative HIV tests at 3, 6 and 12 months) before resuming unprotected sex.Add to all of this the breach of trust that has occurred in your M and the question that haunts all BSs for a long time "but how do I know that he/she is not being unfaithful now or in the future?", and insisting on the use of a condom is not only appropriate but to a certain extent should be expected for some time in recovery.I don't think your MC is looking at all the aspects of this issue; she seems to be focusing on taking down barriers to intimacy. But there are so many other issues here, not the least of which is a your personal comfort with contracting a STD. I think it is beyond the pale to expect that you be okay to exposing yourself to a STD.Have you spoken to your gyn about GH? I would do more than search the internet; some advice and information on the net is good, some is not, and it is often difficult to distinguish between reliable and unreliable information. Seek the advice of your gyn or your gyn nurse practitioner; alternatively, make an appointment with a doctor at the local STD clinic. If you want a professional's view on this site, Twyla is a nurse practitioner in the gyn field; so is at least one other MB regular. Twyla's e-mail address is on all her replies, and she is great about answering her MB related e-mail.The above is just MHO, but I disagree completely with your MC. And the fact that your H is getting the message from MC that what he did was 'not so bad' is a sure sign to me that your MC is not 'getting it'.Hugs,OneDayp.s. I also recollect that at least one MBer contracted GH from her WH. You might want to try the search engine on the discussion forums and see what that MBer had to say about the effect of this issue on the whole recovery from an A 'thing'.[ April 03, 2002: Message edited by: OneDay ]

The whole thread speaks volumes but this statement alone says it all:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------BTW ... whenever our counselor brings this up, my H gets the idea that what he did wasn't that big of a deal, having an A and catching GH. That the counselor is somehow on his side, and he has said so. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You counselor and H say having an A and catching GH is no big deal???!!!!! Plus if the counselor is "on his side" he might as well give him permission to do it again! Can he write a perscription for that?! Maybe next time it will be AIDS. I think you should fire your councelor. This is TOO huge to just let go.

Well, it is a big deal..as anyone who has ever gotten herpes knows..if nothing else..it hurts like the devil.But first..some facts and reality checks.
It is a virus. It lives way up in the nerve and when ever your immune system weakens, it can travel down the nerve and cause an outbreak. Colds, stress, pregnancy, poor health practices, drug use..anything that "drags you down" makes you more prone to outbreaks.While it is at it's most virulent and contagious during an outbreak, it can , in fact be transmitted at any time. Therefore, you have already been exposed to it before you even knew of the A. The only way to be sure is to get an HSV blood test. They'll test for type I and II. I is usually above the waist, II below. If you test positive, it is still a good practice to either avoid sex or wear a condom simply so you don't start a new lesion elsewhere. It is also imperative that you practice good hygeine as you can touch a lesion and transfer it to your eyes, mouth..anywhere you have mucous membranes.There are many drugs on the market for herpes now and if someone has repeated outbreaks, the is a suppressive regime that they can try along with improving health practices..good nutrition, plenty of sleep, daily vitamin, reducing stress.A genital herpes outbreak used to mean C/Sec if lesions were apparent at the time of delivery. Most places now will offer that option or "paint" them with a clear fingernail polish sort of stuff.But that's not the real problem is it? The real problem is that it has changed the way you regard him..and possibly yourself sexually. I know it did for me.And it takes some time to come to an acceptance about it. We all bring our past with us into our relationships...some of it is good..some of it is bad. The horrible thing about STD's, especially since the advent of HIV, is that it is brings home just how unprotected physically we were during their A. And we're all suffering with the emotional effects. This issue will have to be addressed and processed just as any other issue of the A.I had my partner wear condoms for a while at the beginning of recovery..until our tests were in..not as a punishment, but as a health precaution. Simple common sense, and I presented it to him that way..no anger, blame..just matter of fact.So, I think you deciding that condoms are what you need right now is fine...If your MC continues to be unsupportive suggest she sleep with someone during an outbreak.
T

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by Twyla:
If your MC continues to be unsupportive suggest she sleep with someone during an outbreak.
T<hr></blockquote>I'm sorry but that was so funny! How dare ANYONE suggest that you put it out of your head and not protect yourself???? WHERE on earth did you get this counselor? No one in their right mind would tell you to do that, recovery aside,nothing takes a back seat to your health!As much as you love your H, bottom line is his poor decision has changed your marriage forever. It's not like other As where you only have to deal with the emotional and mental, but now you have long lasting effects to deal with. If he doesnt like wearing condoms, oh well, it's a daily reminder of his f-kup.

Your mc is way off base on this one!
Everyone involved in affair recovery should be using condoms for 1 year. If GH is confirmed by a blood test, you will likely be using them forever. Other stds that are brought into the home are hepatitis and hiv. You really need the full year of protection and negative test results at that time to proceed without condoms.

Get a new counselor!!!! The advide is bad for your mental and physical health. Many people who are marriage counselors actually do marriages more harm then good. Have you read the book Surviving and Affair? You may want to start there.

cl,
I disagree..if the HSV test comes back positive there is no need to wear condoms except during an outbreak. Condoms should be used until the "window of opportunity" has passed for all STDs..ie test, use condoms until retests done 4 months later are back.
T

Rachel,
This is YOUR life and no one has the right to try to minimize your feelings on this. Stick to your guns and do what's best for you. You can't depend on others to protect you. Only you can protect yourself.Love,
Clear

Wow! Thank you everyone for your responses. I'm overwhelmed to say the least.We had a counseling session last night. With my H out of the room, again I explained to our counselor that I felt she was wrong in advising me to not use condoms and to stop worrying about contracting the virus. I also told her because of her recent statements, my H was now under the impression having GH was not that big a deal and beginning to feel neither was the A, based on his recent comments to me. She told me that 50% of the population is infected with GH, that thousands upon thousands of people live with it every day. She said she'd talk to my H regarding his mis-intrepretation of her statements and apologized that he was mislead regarding the A not being a terrible betrayal and act, BUT that she is sticking by her coaching of me to relax my requirements of using a condem. She told me my H has told her he hates using condoms, and he feels like I think he's dirty because I've requested he do so. She said this issue could ultimately affect our sex life in a very negative way. My H then came into the room and I told the counselor in front of him that I need time to think about all that's been said. That I'm not comfortable with the advice I'm receiving, and I feel like I'm being forced into something that feels wrong. I don't know about the rest of you folks, but I have a strong oversion to wanting to contract any disease, especially one that I'll live with the rest of my life through no fault of my own. Don't get me wrong, I do believe I'm at fault and responsible for not meeting some of my H's ENs which contributed to his unhappiness and then eventually his A, but I do NOT think I should have to share his disease because of that.Needless to say, I'm very concerned now. I had no idea my H thought I believed his was "dirty" because I requested he use a condom. He and I talked on the way home and he confirmed what she told me.I have a good friend who is an GYNO, she told me that even if someone isn't experiencing an outbreak, they may still be contagious, that they may only experience a tingling sensation when contagious which may be their only warning of transmitting it to another. It's sounds like, condom or no condom, I am scr_wed. Up until now, my H and I have been using condoms, but our sex life is very sparse because of this issue. Almost non-existent. Very sad considering before this it was one of the best things in our marriage.Elad, Endeavor, JusttheWife, One Day, I LuvNProtectME, Twyla, Nancy Carl, cl, Zorweb, Clearview ....... Now what do I do. I'm so emotional about this now. It feels as though I have very limited choices. And I feel like I'm being backed into a corner.I plan to ask my H to consider changing counselors, he really likes this one. I'm not looking forward to that conversation. Thank you again for all your replys. This place is a God send. ~Rachel~

Really good advice from all above.
But I have to say, the counsellor's advice is really irresponsible. I would look for another MC.
You really don't want to risk getting herpes. But there are precautions to be taken, get medical advice. Twyla is right to advise you getting tested. Your husband should also be tested for Hepatitis B & C, Syphilis, gonorrhea and AIDS.
Also, you should get vaccinated against Hepatitis B.

I forgot to mention. My H and I have been through the gamet of tests. We've had everything checked under the sun, and I test negative for GH. We have another doctor appointment this week for our third (1 year) HIV test. The first one was early on in our recovery. The second at 6 months, and now the third.~Rachel~

Somtimes you just have to agree to disagree - if you counselor thinks its no big deal then maybe in her book its not. But that does not change the FACT that in your book it is a big deal (as well as most of our books!). Why is it you need to change on this issue and say ok no condoms?

why is it they (H and MC) can't change and say ok condoms? The bottom line is it is your decision and it is not your counselors job to tell you, your way of thinking is wrong, or try and manipulate your views or change your mind. It is your counselors job to help yall in resolving this issue.Well a LOT of people have AIDS too. Does that mean that because a LOT of people have aids and a lot of people live with it everyday that you or anyone should not worry about contracting aids? People make desicions that effect the rest of their life and their are natural consequences to those decisions. Your H had an A and contracted GH - he can't change that. That is a natural consequence to his actions. You are not punishing him by making him use a condom you are protecting yourself. That is important that H and the MC understands. Of course, when you tell them it is their responsiblity to accept what you say as truth or choose to believe that it is because you think he is "dirty".People can't take your choices away unless you allow them to. I'm so sorry you have this HUGE dilemna! It is HUGE don't let them minimize it!

Rachel - wow, this is tough.Let me try a different approach.We (at least I) don't know much else of your story. Kids? Perhaps more importantly, can you tell us a little about the status of your husband's affair? At least he's in counseling, but is recovery progressing? Is it really over?From your description, I sense you feel he's discompassionate towards you still. Right? I mean, duhhhhhhhh, sure, he had to be careless of your concerns to have an affair and be thinking with the little head - but do you think he's capable or likely of making REAL progress to restore your marriage?The bottom line is, he's a carrier. If your marriage has a chance to continue, you will need to be a carrier, too.Can you live with this bad, unfair, nasty, but non-fatal disease? Or can you live without your marriage?I'm sorry to be blunt, but this seems to be the question.Regarding the counselor, of course he likes her! She's supported his behavior - in his mind. But if you dump this counselor now, he'll not necessarily be willing to embrace another - especially if he hears new critical stuff.

Rachel, I hated it when my wife asked me to be tested for STD's (all tests negative after 15 months), but now I realize the necessity and accept it. Make H wear the condom, it would be foolish not to. Oh BTW, fire that incompetent counselor. No wonder your H likes her.

WAT,
Brings up an excellent point. Herpes is not fatal..at the most it is inconvinent, but the truth of the matter is if you are going to be maried to him for the rest of your life, you are going to have to do some POJA about the condom issue, or your sex life, and ultimately your emotional life will be destroyed.Personally I gave up the condoms much sooner than I recommend to my patients. I reached a comfort level. That is what you'll probably eventually do also.Work on the other issues...gain emotional intimacy and the physical will fall in place to a point where you'll both start making decisions based on love and consideration for the other instead of fear.T

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by Rachel Winston:

She told me that 50% of the population is infected with GH, that thousands upon thousands of people live with it every day. She said she'd talk to my H regarding his mis-intrepretation of her statements and apologized that he was mislead regarding the A not being a terrible betrayal and act, BUT that she is sticking by her coaching of me to relax my requirements of using a condem. She told me my H has told her he hates using condoms, and he feels like I think he's dirty because I've requested he do so. She said this issue could ultimately affect our sex life in a very negative way. <hr></blockquote>Rachel,
This is NOT about anyone but you and your relationship with your husband. I say find another counselor quickly! This is NOT about 50% of the population or anyone else that is living with GH. Should you have unprotected sex just because someone else does? Come on! Your husband feels dirty? What about YOUR feelings? Do either of them take your feelings into consideration? YOU didn't make this choice. This choice was made for you. Your husband made his choice for him. He contracted the disease and that was a risk he took. Now because *he* feels dirty he wants YOU to have unprotected sex!? Sweetie has this man learned ANYthing from his A? It seems that it's still all about him. This is not about HIM and HIS feelings. DO NOT allow anyone to make a choice for you. Make your own choices. Make him wear a condom. Why should you put yourself at risk simply because HE was careless? It's very selfish of him to expect you to put your health at risk. He has already put your health at risk by sleeping with someone else... now he expects you to do the same? What about how YOU feel? If he feels dirty, he made himself feel dirty. No one can make you feel dirty without your permission.This is his problem and he doesn't want to have it alone. It's unfortunate that he has this but it's not your fault. He did this to himself and he must deal with it. YOU my dear should NEVER put your health at risk. What would happen if you guys weren't married and he has GH? Would he sleep with someone without a condom? If he is really that disrespectful for others, I would have to question him. To me Rachel, and this is only my opinion, there is a lot more to resolve than just the condom issue. He is still disrespecting you in your relationship. He wants it HIS way without regards to you or your feelings.Please consider another counselor. This woman is way off base. Hang in there sweetie!!!Love,
Clear

that 50% of the population is infected with GH, Ok, that sounded so way off that I looked it up at webmd.com.Nationwide, 45 million people ages 12 and older, or one out of five of the total adolescent and adult population, is infected with HSV-2.One out of five as I understand it is 20%. If you are black the chances are almost 50%, so I guess if you are black she was correct. 
What Is Genital Herpes?Herpes is a sexually transmitted disease (STD) caused by the herpes simplex virus (HSV). HSV-type 1 commonly causes fever blisters on the mouth or face (oral herpes), while HSV-type 2 typically affects the genital area (genital herpes). However, both viral types can cause either genital or oral infections. Most of the time, HSV-1 and HSV-2 are inactive, or "silent," and cause no symptoms, but some infected people have "outbreaks" of blisters and ulcers. Once infected with HSV, people remain infected for life.How Is Genital Herpes Spread?HSV-1 and HSV-2 are transmitted through direct contact, including kissing, sexual contact (vaginal, oral, or anal sex), or skin-to-skin contact.Genital herpes can be transmitted with or without the presence of sores or other symptoms. It often is transmitted by people who are unaware that they are infected, or by people who do not recognize that their infection can be transmitted even when they have no symptoms.How Common Is Genital Herpes?Results of a recent, nationally representative study show that genital herpes infection is common in the United States. Nationwide, 45 million people ages 12 and older, or one out of five of the total adolescent and adult population, is infected with HSV-2.HSV-2 infection is more common in women (approximately one out of four women) than in men (almost one out of five). This may be because male to female transmission is more efficient than female to male transmission. HSV-2 infection is also more common in blacks (45.9%) than in whites (17.6%). Race and ethnicity in the United States are risk markers that correlate with other more fundamental determinants of health such as poverty, access to quality health care, health-care seeking behavior, illicit drug use, and living in communities with high prevalence of STDs.Since the late 1970s, the number of Americans with genital herpes infection (i.e., prevalence) has increased 30%. Prevalence is increasing most dramatically among young white teens; HSV-2 prevalence among 12- to 19-year-old whites is now five times higher than it was 20 years ago. And young adults ages 20 to 29 are now twice as likely to have HSV-2.Is Genital Herpes Serious?HSV-2 usually produces mild symptoms, and most people with HSV-2 infection have no recognized symptoms. However, HSV-2 can cause recurrent painful genital ulcers in many adults, and HSV-2 infection can be severe in people with suppressed immune systems. Regardless of severity of symptoms, genital herpes frequently causes psychological distress among people who know they are infected.In addition, HSV-2 can cause potentially fatal infections in infants if the mother is shedding virus at the time of delivery. It is important that women avoid contracting herpes during pregnancy, because a first episode during pregnancy creates a greater risk of transmission to the newborn. If a woman has active genital herpes at delivery, a cesarean-section delivery is usually performed. Fortunately, infection of an infant is rare among women with HSV-2 infection.In the United States, HSV-2 may play a major role in the heterosexual spread of HIV, the virus that causes AIDS. Herpes can make people more susceptible to HIV infection, and can make HIV-infected individuals more infectious.What Happens When Someone Is Infected with Genital Herpes?Most people infected with HSV-2 are not aware of their infection. However, if symptoms occur during the primary episode, they can be quite pronounced. The primary episode usually occurs within two weeks after the virus is transmitted, and lesions typically heal within two to four weeks. Other symptoms during the primary episode may include a second crop of lesions, or flu-like symptoms, including fever and swollen glands. However, some individuals with HSV-2 infection may never have lesions, or may have very mild symptoms that they don't even notice or that they mistake for insect bites or a rash.Most people diagnosed with a primary episode of genital herpes can expect to have several symptomatic recurrences a year (average four or five); these recurrences usually are most noticeable within the first year following the first episode.How Is Genital Herpes Diagnosed?The signs and symptoms associated with HSV-2 can vary greatly among individuals. Health care providers can diagnose genital herpes by visual inspection, by taking a sample from the sore(s) and by testing it to see if the herpes virus is present.Is There a Cure for Herpes?There is no treatment that can cure herpes, but antiviral medications can shorten and prevent outbreaks for whatever period of time the person takes the medication.How Can People Protect Themselves Against Infection?The consistent and correct use of latex condoms is the best protection. However, condoms do not provide complete protection, because a herpes lesion may not be covered by the condom and viral shedding may occur. If you or your partner has genital herpes, it is best to abstain from sex when symptoms are present, and to use latex condoms between outbreaks.Where Can I Get More Information?National STD Hotline
800-227-8922National Herpes Hotline
919-361-8488

Rachel,Please do NOT allow yourself to be convinced that you should stop insisting on condom use.I think that weighing your H feeling 'dirty' versus all the things that so many have raised clearly points to you continuing to insist on condom use for as long as you want, need, feel like. Gee, your H feels dirty - poor baby... That balanced against you feeling sexually, physically and emotionally at risk and the prospect of living with a constant reminder that your H had an A and risked your health in the process, along with break outs, lesions and the rest. Pl-eeze!As for your MC's concern that insisting on condom use "could ultimately affect our sex life in a very negative way", IS SHE FOR REAL??? Your sex life has already been affected in a very negative way, by your H. Now, you are being asked to make it less negative for your H by putting yourself at risk?What this amounts to in terms of negative effects to your sex life is that your H and your MC are asking you to accept even more negative consequences to your sex life in order to alleviate a little inconvenience to your H's, and this is after your H created the negative effects to start with. So, he gets to make a huge mess of your sex life and then expects you to accept a bigger mess to you, so that he can feel 'less dirty'??? And the MC agrees with this???No kidding your H likes this MC. The MC is letting H get away with not taking responsibility for a situation that he created. And, your H is being incredibly selfish to expect you to be okay with exposing yourself to GH so that he can feel 'less dirty'.C'mon!I know that I'm not the only one who wants to shake your H and say "Grow up buddy. Face the natural consequences of what YOU chose to do. Wear a condom and be glad you are getting any."Sorry to get snippy, but no one should be imposing this on you and expecting you to 'make your H's hurt little feelings' better, least of all your H and your MC. Sheesh!Please see another MC and get to the heart of your H's responsibility taking. You say you accept that his ENs were not being met, so what exactly is your H accepting in terms of responsibility?Just MHO.Hugs,OneDay[ April 04, 2002: Message edited by: OneDay ]

Espoir:
Thank you for your reply, we have done a whole array of tests and will continue. I feel since the OW shared this ONE with my H, who knows what else may surface. 
ILuvNProtectME:
We've been going to this counselor for a little over a year. My H and I interviewed a few before we decided on her, although we were quite limited in our selection due to HMO restrictions. This MC has helped us with resolving a couple issues successfully, and because of that my H is happy with her and her techniques. He considers her a "Solutions Based" MC. It was very hard to convince him to go to counseling in the first place, so changing would not be simple or easy.Thank you for your concern, ILuvNProtectME.
Worthatry:
We have no children. We planned to get pregnant the year before H had his affair. I love kids, I was born to be a mom, and because of this I'm very apprehensive of what can transpire, low percentages or not, in utero or during delivery. I couldn't live with myself if I gave another, especially my own child, a incureable virus or disease.I have contemplated accepting I may become not only a carrier but experience breakouts as what may eventually happen, I am not okay with that. My H has not had contact for over 8 mos, I check regularly and he is willing to disclose all to me; email, cell, pager, his 24/7 whereabouts. He has been very angry during withwrawal and has not shown an iota of remorse for what he has done, which I understand from reading here that is normal. He acts as though he was justified in having his A and since he caught something during his trist to accept it as fallout and to move on. He resents having to get tested and thinks it's a waste of time, but he promised he'd do it and has followed through.
B:
Yes, my H acts the same as you, he doesn't like having to go to the doctors for this. He gives me a hard time about it, and now I see that he probably thinks I think he's "dirty" and that's why all the different tests. I feel terrible that he thinks that.
Twyla:
As Worthatry, very sound advice without pulling any punches. To be honest, I'm not sure I can get past this. The way my H is currently acting, I don't see any remorse from him. He comes across that I was responsible, as much as he, for his A, and his demeanor reads he had a right to what he did. He has said many times I'm lucky he chose me and we're back together. What an ego.
Clearview:
Yes, he wants his way no matter what, and from what I read here, the WS may continue to be very selfish (Taker) during withdrawal in a Recovery. I'm not sure what is going to happen. I have a decision to make, live with IT or without it (Divorce). I have prayed so hard the last few weeks. I know God brought me here as an answer to my prayers. 
Note to Everyone:
My H and I have a lunch date today. He wants to talk about all of this. If it's okay, I'll post an update of what is discussed. I plan to bring up changing our MC, please remember me in your prayers. Always Hopeful ...
~Rachel~[ April 04, 2002: Message edited by: Rachel Winston ]

Rachel. I am so sorry you are going through this. I too could see where I was at fault for my H EA. BUT the fact that he caught a disease from that choice is in no way your fault.
I would think he would being willing to do anything to protect you from this instead of complaining about it. It is the least he could do.
I think with everyone else you are getting horrible advice from your MC. There may be 1000's of people with this disease but your not married to THEM.
Whether you can work through this is going to be up to you. But he is going to have to realize that this is a major complication of the poor choices he made.
It sounds like this is just something that is going to be a constant reminder of what he did. We try not to bring up my H online A, and try to get past it the best we can but that is hard for your H to do because here is the constant reminder.
But by all means don't bow down to your beliefs. You should not jepordize your health just so he will feel better.
Good luck today.

Well, that went well … NOT!We went to lunch at a park, pretty secluded which turns out was a very good thing.I reiterated all my concerns and asked if he could perhaps be more sensitive to my need for protection. I told him I loved him and in no way felt he was dirty. That my need was only to protect my own health, I reminded him that hopefully, one day soon, I would be the vessel for our baby, his heirs. Keeping myself healthy would be better for the pregnancy and birth. He agreed but still felt I should trust him and his discretion of “when” sex should occur based on being symptomatic-less. He also told me that he hates the feel of condoms, which is another thing I didn’t know. He said he wants to stop using them all together. I guess it’s important to know my H’s most important EN is SF …. Duh! I told him I need time to think, and he got angry at that. He said he thinks because I took him back that I should accept him as is, that sharing a life together and being married shouldn’t have stipulations contingent on one’s health, or lack of. I said that is true, but that he didn’t tell me he had GH when we decided to reconcile, that he told me after a month of being back together, and to me that is withholding the truth. That he wasn’t allowing me to make my own decisions based on the truth. Things then escalated to him yelling at me, saying it shouldn’t matter if he had it or not, that love was what was important, that he now thinks my love is conditional because I have this issue with his health … I interrupted and said it wasn’t HIS health issue I was concerned about, that this was about my health.Needless to say it all went to hell-in-a-hand-basket after that. We got no where accept further apart, and he more angry than ever. I may just find an IC for myself because I really need help with this. Don’t know if I’ll continue MC with my H, at least not with that counselor. I really don’t know what to do now. I’m pretty sad, after surviving the affair and now this, it may very well end my marriage.Thanks for listening.~Rachel~

Well Rachel, I have one more comment and one suggestion.First, your love IS conditional. It should be conditional on him FULLY recovering from his affair and being sensitive to your needs and showing a sincere desire to meet them, IMHO. Unconditional love, again in my humble opinion, is reserved for children and parents. There can be temporary unconditional love between spouses to ride through the expected downs of a relationship, but this can't and shouldn't be sustained.Suggest to him that he come here to talk to us. "Education" is usually reserved for WSs who have come back far enough from the dark side to stomach the introspection necessary to learn. You need to judge this. Also, pick up Harley's books His Needs/Her Needs and Surviving an Affair if you haven't already done so.Good luck,
WAT

Originally posted by Twyla:cl,
I disagree..if the HSV test comes back positive there is no need to wear condoms except during an outbreak. Condoms should be used until the "window of opportunity" has passed for all STDs..ie test, use condoms until retests done 4 months later are back.
T <blockquote>quote:<hr> <hr></blockquote>
I hope I did that right...anywayTwyla,
Sorry but I disagree, maybe you should read Justthewife's post on herpes info. Herpes can and most likely will be spread even when symptoms are not present.Can't remember the name of the original poster....but as far as the condom issue goes, whether you wear one or not really doesn't matter, if you plan to stay in this marriage and continue having sex with your H then eventually you will get it whether he wears one or not. His penis wil not be the only infected part of his genitals, but it is the only part that is covered by the condom. Even when he is not showing symptoms he could still be capable of transmitting the virus and skin to skin contact is all it takes. I do agree with some other posters that it is not as bad as you would think, but then again that depends on the person and how they feel about it.bridgette

Rachel...from what I've seen in the last 2 years on boards such as this one...if your husband isn't feeling remourse and taking full responsiblity for the affair...you could be setting yourself up for this all over again. I sure wouldn't be willing to risk getting a disease that would follow you and any FUTURE relationships over a marriage that isn't on it's way to really getting "fixed". His anger and blame will lead you further down the wrong road. Get your own counselor...let him do what he wants. Find someone YOU are comfortable with. If he decides he really wants the marriage he'll do whatever it takes to keep it...he's not, is he?

Some1Mom,
Exactly...many people have the HSV virus and never knew they had it. We were part of the clinical trials for the HSV blood test when it came out..well over 50% of those having positive tests reported never having an outbreak.But, the real point here was very well defined by WAT...Love is conditional..recovery is conditional..on both parties communicating and reaching accord on very difficult decisions.Rachel, the herpes thing will weigh on your mind for a while...as will his lack of remorse and ownership of the A. It takes time for all of these issues to be worked thru. The MB principles will help you get a handle on this...T

{{{{{{{{{Rachel}}}}}}}}}This thread sure has brought up many more issues than GH, hasn't it? As terrible as you must feel, it is probably a good thing that you consider it as a series of questions rather than narrowly the question of whether you should continue to insist on the use of a condom by your H.Here are the issues that seem to have been raised by the various replies that you have received:1. whether this MC is helping the situation - it appears virtually unanimous amongst replies that the answer is 'no!';2. whether IC for you could help - a number of replies suggest 'yes', including your own;3. whether your H is really taking ownership of (responsibility for) his A, his part in the breakdown of the M, and his responsibility for bringing GH into your M - seems like 'no' from the information that you have shared here;4. whether your H needs some education on what having GH means to him and his sexual partner - seems like 'yes';5. whether you would benefit from learning more about GH, especially as it relates to conceiving, having a baby, and passing it to your future children;6. whether you need more information on whether condom use prevents or lessens the risk of infection - it seems like MBers are saying that condoms will prevent contact with lesions on the covered area and not others, therefore it will lessen risk but will not prevent infection completely;7. if the chances are that over time, even with use of a condom, you are very likely to be infected with the virus that causes GH, can you accept this eventuality;8. whether there are control issues at play in your relationship, given your H's stance that he should be able to exercise discretion on 'when' you have sex based on his assessment of his GH condition, and your H's anger at you because you won't love him and his STD and share his STD willingly;9. whether you and he might want to continue with the status quo (continue using condoms) until some time in the future when your M has had a chanse to recover more; your H's stance seems to have many MBers concluding that he is not really remorseful or owning his part in the situation or taking responsibility for the A or doing what it takes to rebuild your M with you.I have probably left out some of the points raised by others, but I thought I would try to encapsulate the many issues raised. Clearly it is not simply a question of your H not liking condoms versus your discomfort with contracting this virus. There is much, much more going on here, IMHO.Hugs,OneDay[ April 05, 2002: Message edited by: OneDay ]

OneDay - an excellent summary.Another suggestion, Rachel - along with considering pointing your H in this direction, maybe it would be appropriate to print this thread out and give a copy to your counselor?WAT

Is anyone around this evening? Need to talk.

What's up peanut?

Putting one ear infected kid back to bed, will return in 15 minutes.Promise.Hang tight ok?

Faster than expected. Ready when you are. I'll keep popping back here while I surf.Elizabeth

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by Rachel Winston:
She told me my H has told her he hates using condoms, and he feels like I think he's dirty because I've requested he do so. She said this issue could ultimately affect our sex life in a very negative way. ~Rachel~<hr></blockquote>I am flabbergasted and horrified at what passes for brains these days. The above statement is so bereft of logic to leave one speechless. But I will try. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] She is putting your H's "feelings" above your HEALTH and your FEELINGS. He is the one who contracted this dirty disease so *HE* is the one who should suffer the consequences, not you. Not an innocent bystander. He should be "feeling" the consequences of his dreadful actions. And yes, contracting GH through an illicit affair usually does tend to "effect one's sexual affair in a negative way." It isn't your REACTION to said GH that caused said problem but the contraction of the disease and the affair. Good God.Please get a counselor whose elevator goes all the way to the top. Her lack of logic is an insult to females everywhere.

Amen.Rach? You still up? I'll keep checking in.

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by justthewife:
Amen.Rach? You still up? I'll keep checking in.<hr></blockquote>
what are you girls doing up so late???? [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

Rach said she needed to chat and asked if anyone was still up.She never came back, Hopefully she found a girlfriend to talk to or just fell asleep. Poor thing probably needs some rest.I'll try and connect with her tomorow.ElizabethHey, What's with you up so late Mel?

I don't know anything about GH, but the title of this thread struck a cord. I know counselor's are human beings with human insecurities. I thought, maybe this assessment is from a counselor with an issue regarding his/her own STD's. After reading your posts on what your couselor has said, it sounds like she may have GH. Maybe she can't confront your fears without feeling damaged or dirty herself. Can you go with your husband to a consultation regarding GH with your Gyno?

Everyone,I thank everyone for your responses to me. My husband and I are doing our best to work this out. Last night we had another argument. But today he came to me in tears. He wants to do what it takes to make our marriage work. He agreed we could look for another Marriage Counsellor. I'm so happy, I thought we may be done.I have asked him to come here. He says he isn't ready for anything else, that counseling is enough for him right now. I've been reading so much here. All the posts here and a few other boards <Emotional Needs, Just Found Out and Recovery>. There are so many intelligent people here. FWIW -- I think I belong on Recovery, at least I hope I do. I will probably be posting there from here on in. I ordered the books His Needs/Her Needs and Surviving an Affair. Hope to get them soon. Thank you again for all your help. My husand thanks you too. Jo