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Hello Everyone,<p>I'm new here. I have a very delicate question to ask regarding STDs. <p>My H and I have been married for 12 years. He had an A (EA/PA) in year 11 of our marriage. He contracted an STD during the A, Genital Herpes. We have been in counseling for a little over a year to help with recovery of the A.<p>The fact that my H contracted this STD has really been a big problem for me. I feel like he has changed our sex life forever, in the negative sense. I don't want to share his disease and he knows this. He has agreed to use condoms whenever he is contagious, however I don't trust that he would since he was irresponsible enough to have an A and not use a condom in the first place. I also have heard that a condom isn't always a sure fire way to ensure you won't be infected.<p>Now our counselor has said that the disease isn't a big deal, like catching a cold. She keeps encouraging me not to worry about it and to relax my requests for my H to use a condom. That even if I caught it, it's no biggie.<p>Okay, I agree with her that if you FIRST met someone and they told you they had GH, then you could decide for yourself if you wanted to continue with the relationship and perhaps marry. You are offered all the information and can make a choice for yourself.<p>I have argued with our counselor, and my H, stating that I feel the counselor is wrong on this. It's not a simple "cold" we're talking about here. It's a disease that never goes away, that is painful and has potential to completely impair your sex life. <p>I do not want to Divorce my H, I love him very much ... it's HIS ACTIONS that I hate and the poor decisions that he made which resulted in both of us suffering. I want intimacy with my H and plan on us working this out some way. Maybe with some of the new drugs they are offering it will help with his break outs.<p>My problem is with my counselor, I think she is wrong. I think she should be supporting me for my H to agree to be honest about his breakouts and wear a condom when appropriate to protect me from being infected. <p>I really need to know what all of you think about this. I badly need your opinion on whether you think I should just bag my request for condom use and follow my counselor's advice. <p>This issue could make or break our marriage.<p>BTW ... whenever our counselor brings this up, my H gets the idea that what he did wasn't that big of a deal, having an A and catching GH. That the counselor is somehow on his side, and he has said so.<p>[ April 04, 2002: Message edited by: Rachel Winston ]</p>

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Rachel---<p>Let me give you another look at maybe what your C is trying to do. <p>First, I agree that if it is more comfortable for you at this time for your H to try to protect you from the disease then I think you have the right to ask him to do that and he should respect that. <p>But it may be that your C sees this issue as a major stumbling block toward your recovery and the chance to regain the marriage you had, and she may be trying to make that easier by easing your mind some. <p>If she is saying, however, that your H does not need to respect your wishes, then perhaps she has gone a bit too far 'cause i tdoesn't seem to be easing your mind any and you really need to make her aware of how strongly you feel.<p>One suggestion I have for you is to look up information about herpes. Put herpes into a search engine and look at what is being said at some of the internet sites that counsel others who have it or whose spouse does.<p>This will give you some solid facts that will be helpful in making whatever decision you need to make on this issue rather than relying on what may or may not be true or what you have heard from others...including your counselor.<p>Good luck to you<p>E

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Is your counselor nuts??? GH is nothing like catching a common cold. My sister was a virgin when she married her husband. He had GH and never knew he had it but was able to pass it on to her. Imagine her surprise when six months after the marriage she found out she had a STD. The only reason I know, because this is not something you talk about over the dinner table, was because when she had a child she had to have a cesarean so as not to pass it on to the child. Something you might want to think about if you don’t have children. <p>Now from what I understand not everybody gets the disease at the same intensity. My brother-in-law has never had an outbreak even though he’s a carrier. Others though get it more often and have to take drugs every day. Some only get an outbreak once in awhile and only have to take the pills for 5 days to clear it up. My girlfriend, the only other person I know who has it, had it so bad that when she had an outbreak she had to hire a babysitter to watch her kids because every time she went to the bathroom she would faint due to the pain and couldn’t be left alone. She got it from her cheating husband who also left her alone with three little babies all under the age of 4. <p>So in response to the counselor saying it’s just like a cold I would say, personally I don’t like getting colds and I would never purposely setout to try to get a cold and I certainly am not going to purposely set out to get this disease and then I would continue to protect myself how I see fit.

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Having been on the recieving end of a WS's stupidity I think it is a totally big deal.<p>You do not need to get this little germie. It is not nice and can also be transfered in other ways besides intercourse.<p>My first step for you would be to have you sit down with your gyn and get the whole scoop. What protects from it, what doesn't, what it can mean in the broad scheme of things. If he has one STD he is vulnerable to getting others, HIV can be very preditory that way. I assume that you have both been tested, and were protected until the 6 month test?<p>This is not a matter that can be brushed off or made smaller than it is. He made a choice, and is experiencing consequences. You do not have to experience all of the consequences from his choice.<p>Now our counselor has said that the disease isn't a big deal, like catching a cold. She keeps encouraging me not to worry about it and to relax my requests for my H to use a condom. That even if I caught it, it's no biggie.<p>Obviously your counselor is a MSW or PhD, not an MD. I can pretty much promise that an MD will tell you that it is a big deal, not like a cold at all, and if you catch it, it is a big deal.<p>Herpes (HSV 1, 2, or 3) is a virus not a bacteria. It cannot be cured. It keeps coming back, and there is medication to help with outbreaks, but that medication does not stop outbreaks or make you less contagious. It does not go away with a shot in the butt, or a round of pennicillin. <p>Sorry, I wish I could be supportive and back your counselor up here, but I can't. <p>I do sense though that you have issues of responsibility with him that leech over into the herpes issue. <p>Maybe you need to take control of the condom issue, and that way you will not be able to use it as a blaming thing.<p>Good luck hon, I know it ain't fun.<p>Elizabeth

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Well, I'll go out on a limb and say I think your MC is wrong. Actually, this does not require a limb at all, it is an easy call from where I am.<p>GH is not a 'cold'; and your H having contracted it during an A means that the active GH phases will be a regular reminder that he not only had an A, but he put your health and possibly your life at risk.<p>In addition to this, insisting that your H use a condom after you know that he has had unprotected sex with another person is a very appropriate thing to do, even if he did not contract a STD. It takes at least 6 months after the last sexual contact to be certain that HIV is not present, and some healthcare professionals suggest waiting a full year (and negative HIV tests at 3, 6 and 12 months) before resuming unprotected sex.<p>Add to all of this the breach of trust that has occurred in your M and the question that haunts all BSs for a long time "but how do I know that he/she is not being unfaithful now or in the future?", and insisting on the use of a condom is not only appropriate but to a certain extent should be expected for some time in recovery.<p>I don't think your MC is looking at all the aspects of this issue; she seems to be focusing on taking down barriers to intimacy. But there are so many other issues here, not the least of which is a your personal comfort with contracting a STD. I think it is beyond the pale to expect that you be okay to exposing yourself to a STD.<p>Have you spoken to your gyn about GH? I would do more than search the internet; some advice and information on the net is good, some is not, and it is often difficult to distinguish between reliable and unreliable information. Seek the advice of your gyn or your gyn nurse practitioner; alternatively, make an appointment with a doctor at the local STD clinic. If you want a professional's view on this site, Twyla is a nurse practitioner in the gyn field; so is at least one other MB regular. Twyla's e-mail address is on all her replies, and she is great about answering her MB related e-mail.<p>The above is just MHO, but I disagree completely with your MC. And the fact that your H is getting the message from MC that what he did was 'not so bad' is a sure sign to me that your MC is not 'getting it'.<p>Hugs,<p>OneDay<p>p.s. I also recollect that at least one MBer contracted GH from her WH. You might want to try the search engine on the discussion forums and see what that MBer had to say about the effect of this issue on the whole recovery from an A 'thing'.<p>[ April 03, 2002: Message edited by: OneDay ]</p>

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The whole thread speaks volumes but this statement alone says it all:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------BTW ... whenever our counselor brings this up, my H gets the idea that what he did wasn't that big of a deal, having an A and catching GH. That the counselor is somehow on his side, and he has said so. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You counselor and H say having an A and catching GH is no big deal???!!!!! Plus if the counselor is "on his side" he might as well give him permission to do it again! Can he write a perscription for that?! Maybe next time it will be AIDS. I think you should fire your councelor. This is TOO huge to just let go.

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Well, it is a big deal..as anyone who has ever gotten herpes knows..if nothing else..it hurts like the devil.<p>But first..some facts and reality checks.
It is a virus. It lives way up in the nerve and when ever your immune system weakens, it can travel down the nerve and cause an outbreak. Colds, stress, pregnancy, poor health practices, drug use..anything that "drags you down" makes you more prone to outbreaks.<p>While it is at it's most virulent and contagious during an outbreak, it can , in fact be transmitted at any time. Therefore, you have already been exposed to it before you even knew of the A. The only way to be sure is to get an HSV blood test. They'll test for type I and II. I is usually above the waist, II below. If you test positive, it is still a good practice to either avoid sex or wear a condom simply so you don't start a new lesion elsewhere. It is also imperative that you practice good hygeine as you can touch a lesion and transfer it to your eyes, mouth..anywhere you have mucous membranes.<p>There are many drugs on the market for herpes now and if someone has repeated outbreaks, the is a suppressive regime that they can try along with improving health practices..good nutrition, plenty of sleep, daily vitamin, reducing stress.<p>A genital herpes outbreak used to mean C/Sec if lesions were apparent at the time of delivery. Most places now will offer that option or "paint" them with a clear fingernail polish sort of stuff.<p>But that's not the real problem is it? The real problem is that it has changed the way you regard him..and possibly yourself sexually. I know it did for me.<p>And it takes some time to come to an acceptance about it. <p>We all bring our past with us into our relationships...some of it is good..some of it is bad. The horrible thing about STD's, especially since the advent of HIV, is that it is brings home just how unprotected physically we were during their A. And we're all suffering with the emotional effects. This issue will have to be addressed and processed just as any other issue of the A.<p>I had my partner wear condoms for a while at the beginning of recovery..until our tests were in..not as a punishment, but as a health precaution. Simple common sense, and I presented it to him that way..no anger, blame..just matter of fact.<p>So, I think you deciding that condoms are what you need right now is fine...If your MC continues to be unsupportive suggest she sleep with someone during an outbreak.
T

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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Twyla:
<strong>If your MC continues to be unsupportive suggest she sleep with someone during an outbreak.
T</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I'm sorry but that was so funny! How dare ANYONE suggest that you put it out of your head and not protect yourself???? WHERE on earth did you get this counselor? No one in their right mind would tell you to do that, recovery aside,nothing takes a back seat to your health!<p>As much as you love your H, bottom line is his poor decision has changed your marriage forever. It's not like other As where you only have to deal with the emotional and mental, but now you have long lasting effects to deal with. If he doesnt like wearing condoms, oh well, it's a daily reminder of his f-kup.

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Your mc is way off base on this one!
Everyone involved in affair recovery should be using condoms for 1 year. If GH is confirmed by a blood test, you will likely be using them forever. Other stds that are brought into the home are hepatitis and hiv. You really need the full year of protection and negative test results at that time to proceed without condoms.

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Get a new counselor!!!! <p>The advide is bad for your mental and physical health. Many people who are marriage counselors actually do marriages more harm then good. <p>Have you read the book Surviving and Affair? You may want to start there.

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cl,
I disagree..if the HSV test comes back positive there is no need to wear condoms except during an outbreak. Condoms should be used until the "window of opportunity" has passed for all STDs..ie test, use condoms until retests done 4 months later are back.
T

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Rachel,
This is YOUR life and no one has the right to try to minimize your feelings on this. <p>Stick to your guns and do what's best for you. You can't depend on others to protect you. Only you can protect yourself.<p>Love,
Clear

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Wow! Thank you everyone for your responses. I'm overwhelmed to say the least.<p>We had a counseling session last night. With my H out of the room, again I explained to our counselor that I felt she was wrong in advising me to not use condoms and to stop worrying about contracting the virus. I also told her because of her recent statements, my H was now under the impression having GH was not that big a deal and beginning to feel neither was the A, based on his recent comments to me. <p>She told me that 50% of the population is infected with GH, that thousands upon thousands of people live with it every day. She said she'd talk to my H regarding his mis-intrepretation of her statements and apologized that he was mislead regarding the A not being a terrible betrayal and act, BUT that she is sticking by her coaching of me to relax my requirements of using a condem. She told me my H has told her he hates using condoms, and he feels like I think he's dirty because I've requested he do so. She said this issue could ultimately affect our sex life in a very negative way. <p>My H then came into the room and I told the counselor in front of him that I need time to think about all that's been said. That I'm not comfortable with the advice I'm receiving, and I feel like I'm being forced into something that feels wrong. <p>I don't know about the rest of you folks, but I have a strong oversion to wanting to contract any disease, especially one that I'll live with the rest of my life through no fault of my own. Don't get me wrong, I do believe I'm at fault and responsible for not meeting some of my H's ENs which contributed to his unhappiness and then eventually his A, but I do NOT think I should have to share his disease because of that.<p>Needless to say, I'm very concerned now. I had no idea my H thought I believed his was "dirty" because I requested he use a condom. He and I talked on the way home and he confirmed what she told me.<p>I have a good friend who is an GYNO, she told me that even if someone isn't experiencing an outbreak, they may still be contagious, that they may only experience a tingling sensation when contagious which may be their only warning of transmitting it to another. It's sounds like, condom or no condom, I am scr_wed. <p>Up until now, my H and I have been using condoms, but our sex life is very sparse because of this issue. Almost non-existent. Very sad considering before this it was one of the best things in our marriage.<p>Elad, Endeavor, JusttheWife, One Day, I LuvNProtectME, Twyla, Nancy Carl, cl, Zorweb, Clearview ....... <p>Now what do I do. I'm so emotional about this now. It feels as though I have very limited choices. And I feel like I'm being backed into a corner.<p>I plan to ask my H to consider changing counselors, he really likes this one. I'm not looking forward to that conversation. <p>Thank you again for all your replys. This place is a God send. <p>~Rachel~

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Really good advice from all above.
But I have to say, the counsellor's advice is really irresponsible. I would look for another MC.
You really don't want to risk getting herpes. But there are precautions to be taken, get medical advice. Twyla is right to advise you getting tested. Your husband should also be tested for Hepatitis B & C, Syphilis, gonorrhea and AIDS.
Also, you should get vaccinated against Hepatitis B.

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I forgot to mention. My H and I have been through the gamet of tests. We've had everything checked under the sun, and I test negative for GH. <p>We have another doctor appointment this week for our third (1 year) HIV test. The first one was early on in our recovery. The second at 6 months, and now the third.<p>~Rachel~

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Somtimes you just have to agree to disagree - if you counselor thinks its no big deal then maybe in her book its not. But that does not change the FACT that in your book it is a big deal (as well as most of our books!). <p>Why is it you need to change on this issue and say ok no condoms?

why is it they (H and MC) can't change and say ok condoms? <p>The bottom line is it is your decision and it is not your counselors job to tell you, your way of thinking is wrong, or try and manipulate your views or change your mind. It is your counselors job to help yall in resolving this issue.<p>Well a LOT of people have AIDS too. Does that mean that because a LOT of people have aids and a lot of people live with it everyday that you or anyone should not worry about contracting aids? <p>People make desicions that effect the rest of their life and their are natural consequences to those decisions. Your H had an A and contracted GH - he can't change that. That is a natural consequence to his actions. You are not punishing him by making him use a condom you are protecting yourself. That is important that H and the MC understands. Of course, when you tell them it is their responsiblity to accept what you say as truth or choose to believe that it is because you think he is "dirty".<p>People can't take your choices away unless you allow them to. I'm so sorry you have this HUGE dilemna! It is HUGE don't let them minimize it!

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Rachel - wow, this is tough.<p>Let me try a different approach.<p>We (at least I) don't know much else of your story. Kids? Perhaps more importantly, can you tell us a little about the status of your husband's affair? At least he's in counseling, but is recovery progressing? Is it really over?<p>From your description, I sense you feel he's discompassionate towards you still. Right? I mean, duhhhhhhhh, sure, he had to be careless of your concerns to have an affair and be thinking with the little head - but do you think he's capable or likely of making REAL progress to restore your marriage?<p>The bottom line is, he's a carrier. If your marriage has a chance to continue, you will need to be a carrier, too.<p>Can you live with this bad, unfair, nasty, but non-fatal disease? Or can you live without your marriage?<p>I'm sorry to be blunt, but this seems to be the question.<p>Regarding the counselor, of course he likes her! She's supported his behavior - in his mind. But if you dump this counselor now, he'll not necessarily be willing to embrace another - especially if he hears new critical stuff.

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Rachel, I hated it when my wife asked me to be tested for STD's (all tests negative after 15 months), but now I realize the necessity and accept it. Make H wear the condom, it would be foolish not to. Oh BTW, fire that incompetent counselor. No wonder your H likes her.

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WAT,
Brings up an excellent point. Herpes is not fatal..at the most it is inconvinent, but the truth of the matter is if you are going to be maried to him for the rest of your life, you are going to have to do some POJA about the condom issue, or your sex life, and ultimately your emotional life will be destroyed.<p>Personally I gave up the condoms much sooner than I recommend to my patients. I reached a comfort level. That is what you'll probably eventually do also.<p>Work on the other issues...gain emotional intimacy and the physical will fall in place to a point where you'll both start making decisions based on love and consideration for the other instead of fear.<p>T

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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Rachel Winston:
<strong>
She told me that 50% of the population is infected with GH, that thousands upon thousands of people live with it every day. She said she'd talk to my H regarding his mis-intrepretation of her statements and apologized that he was mislead regarding the A not being a terrible betrayal and act, BUT that she is sticking by her coaching of me to relax my requirements of using a condem. She told me my H has told her he hates using condoms, and he feels like I think he's dirty because I've requested he do so. She said this issue could ultimately affect our sex life in a very negative way. <p></strong><hr></blockquote><p>Rachel,
This is NOT about anyone but you and your relationship with your husband. I say find another counselor quickly! This is NOT about 50% of the population or anyone else that is living with GH. Should you have unprotected sex just because someone else does? Come on! <p>Your husband feels dirty? <p>What about YOUR feelings? Do either of them take your feelings into consideration? YOU didn't make this choice. This choice was made for you. Your husband made his choice for him. He contracted the disease and that was a risk he took. Now because *he* feels dirty he wants YOU to have unprotected sex!? Sweetie has this man learned ANYthing from his A? It seems that it's still all about him. This is not about HIM and HIS feelings. DO NOT allow anyone to make a choice for you. Make your own choices. Make him wear a condom. Why should you put yourself at risk simply because HE was careless? It's very selfish of him to expect you to put your health at risk. He has already put your health at risk by sleeping with someone else... now he expects you to do the same? <p>What about how YOU feel? If he feels dirty, he made himself feel dirty. No one can make you feel dirty without your permission.<p>This is his problem and he doesn't want to have it alone. It's unfortunate that he has this but it's not your fault. He did this to himself and he must deal with it. YOU my dear should NEVER put your health at risk. What would happen if you guys weren't married and he has GH? Would he sleep with someone without a condom? If he is really that disrespectful for others, I would have to question him. <p>To me Rachel, and this is only my opinion, there is a lot more to resolve than just the condom issue. He is still disrespecting you in your relationship. He wants it HIS way without regards to you or your feelings.<p>Please consider another counselor. This woman is way off base. <p>Hang in there sweetie!!!<p>Love,
Clear

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