BS-Do you want to have an A? - Marriage Builders® Forums

I have taken special precautions all thru our marriage to make sure I never have an A. My instincts are good, I have a natural knack of putting up a wall between myself and other men. I even go so far as to never call one on the phone as "just friends", no emailing, no going to lunch, no time alone unless there is no choice. I make sure to avoid conversations about personal issues, marriage problems, avoid being a confidant,etc.....Trust me, I have had many opportunities to have EA, PA, SA, to cultivate friendships in a way that would be dangerous to our M, and to do things that would cause H to feel hurt or left out or even suspicous. I dont know WHY I am like this, it doesnt feel like a concious decision, its just the way I do things. I would rather die than injure my H's feelings with how I behave with men. When I see a situation that is potentially dangerous, I put a steel reinforced concrete wall, and simply avoid letting myself do or say anything that could cause a problem. H is the opposite. He has a pleasure seeking streak in him, has very poor judgment. I am starting to resent the fact that I do without what I so desperately need from him because I cant stand the thought of hurting him by getting my needs met by another man. I have never experienced whatever that HIGH is he gets out of his persuits of OW's. The chase, the persuit, the emotional bond, the soulmate thing, the crush, the infatuation. He shares all this stuff that is meant for me with all these OP. So when do I get mine? When do I get to have a "special friend", a new sex partner, somebody that cant wait to call me or email me or "just talk"? I am starting to resent the fact that I cant even force myself to do this stuff. I dont even want to. Its not even an option. I feel like I have deprived myself of something for no good reason. H says "I'm sorry I cant give you what you need". I used to think he just didnt know how to meet a womans needs, but I was wrong, he reserves it for ow's. He says and does things for them that I have NEVER received from him. I feel cheated, deprived, like I have wasted the last 36 years of my life. I WANT HIM TO EXPERIENCE EXACTLY WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE TREATED THIS WAY. The only way to do that is for me to have some type of A. That will never happen while he is married to me.I apparently am EXTREMELY naive. I thought when we married that my feelings would be of the utmost importance to him. I was wrong. I want to experience the HIGH of an A, but I cant.
I want him to experience the PAIN of me having an A, but he wont.I guess I am tired of being the goody-two-shoes, faithful wife. I need him to know that he is in danger of loosing me permanently.I want to have an A, but I cant, and I am really pi$$ed of about it.Replaced

Replaced,
You are an honorable, strong person, why would you want to change that by having an affair and suffering the guilt, remorse, and dislike for yourself that is the dark side of an honorable person having an A?YOU are the one on the right track, don't jump tracks to that of your H's bad behavior. I doubt very much, given your post, you would find any true or long-lasting satisfaction in an A, no matter how your H reacted.

I know how you feel. The other night, I thought and thought about it, and I couldn't even come up with one person with whom I'd like to have an affair. I know a lot of attractive, nice men who I could probably persuade, but the thought of an A with any of them is just sickening to me. Why was it not sickening for my H? It just makes me so mad that I'm so damn loyal after all this.I did have what you might call a very short-lived (like, 2-3 weeks) EA about 10 years ago. I ended all conversation with OM because I was contemplating leaving, which I ultimately didn't want to do, and I was feeling guilty about even "talking" with someone else. Now I almost wish I would have screwed around. Then I could throw that info in his face and hurt him back (I did tell him about EA because he made the comment that I'm "just so perfect"). But I just don't have it in me.Life sucks...

Replaced - take a deep breath! I went back to some of your posts, and I cringe when I see how your H has treated you. But doing the same to him will make things so much worse.Like you, I can't imagine betraying my spouse, especially now that I know how excruciatingly painful it is to be the BS. I wouldn't even hurt my worst enemy that much.What you give up by seeking revenge are the things that your H lost by behaving so badly: dignity, integrity, honor, trustworthiness, etc. All the things that, once lost, can never be replaced.You are a better person than your husband. Be grateful for that, and know that maintaining your good character will pay off again and again as you deal with the joys and challenges of life.Prayers to you and your selfish husband.

Have I thought about it? yesI know how you feel. For revenge; to feel good about myself again; to see what it's like... Do I want to? noI haven't seen any affairs that have happy endings. It wouldnt be worth it at all. As Lor said, guilt, remorse, and disappointment in self wouldn't be worth it. Let revenge be satisfied on its on - through the natural course of events, and, ultimately, from God.Find ways to feel good about yourself. It doesn't come from others... it comes from within yourself.To see what it's like? You see that all over this forum. No happy endings....

Replaced,Don't ever cross that line. I don't have EA nor PA but I do have several ONS (SA) (see my profile) ... I regret what I have done. There is no excuse and it is a punishment to my soul ... you will suffer the guilt ... I wish I never done that. I though of I would try to taste the fast lane for a change, my WW is the first and only one 'till that horrible day. I was down in the gutter for several weeks.Just don't even think crossing that line. The temptation is soo great. Don't let evil get you after taking your H. -RH-

Dear Replaced
Are we the same person? I have felt EXACTLY the way you do! I completely understand the longing to be loved and adores by someone else, the way the WS was loved and adored. I also feel the desire to pursue and affair so that he would know how it feels, because there is no way he can understand what I am going through. I would never have an affair, because like you, I wouldnt want to cause him pain. It isnt the right thing to do. Dont act on those urges to reciprocate the pain. I just want you know you are not alone in these feelings. feel free to email me anytime.

I too have thought about having an A, but won't. Not to change the subject, but since my H A, many of his friends and co-workers who know about the A have been hitting on me. It is almost like there is a sign on my head that says I want to get even. If he only knew what a can of worms he opened.

Replaced:"I apparently am EXTREMELY naive. I thought when we married that my feelings would be of the utmost importance to him. I was wrong."But it was entirely fair for you to expect your feelings to be the most important thing to your H. He's cheated you of your right, as a W, to having your needs met. "I want to experience the HIGH of an A, but I cant."That's a GOOD thing!!!"I want him to experience the PAIN of me having an A, but he wont."Because he's had no trouble inflicting that pain on you."I guess I am tired of being the goody-two-shoes, faithful wife. I need him to know that he is in danger of loosing me permanently."If he doesn't pull his head out of his nether regions, end the As permanently, and work with you on your M, he DESERVES to lose you permanently. But YOU should keep on with that attitude, that you could NEVER have an A, and you, as a "goody-two-shoes", virtuous woman, will be free to be a loving companion to some other lucky man, AFTER you DV your H. I wish my WW felt this way about As. We could have focused on the problems in our R that were bothering her, if she hadn't just "gone elsewhere" for needs she thought weren't being met by me.regards,

"BS-Do you want to have an A?"Good Lord, NO! (And I'm an atheist). [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

you mentioned"when is it gonna be my turn?" well my answer to that very same question is---he derailed this sucker and had an affair, he will have every opportunity to help fix this. if he buries his head in the sand and leaves us open to this happening again, i will move on with my life without him and start anew. i can have all the fun i want then!

Never in a million years

Nooooo I do NOT want to have an A because :I love myself too much to destroy my self-respect.I respect my principles too much to betray my honor.I have personal standards to live up to and to demonstrate to my children.I intend to grow as a person, and to develop myself into a more spiritually uplifted and emotionally evolved woman.My family does not deserve to be betrayed by me.Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

New Jersey, you hit the nail on the head, I feel the exact same way. His friends, co workers, etc have made inappropriate remarks and behaviors, I too feel like I have the "available" sign only it's tatooed on my a**, cause I personally feel that's all they care about.In reply to the question, yes I would like to have him feel the pain and anguish he put me through. BUT do I want what he's gone through? No thanks, I have my pride, my integrity and self respect. No apparatus from the male body is worth loosing that for.

Replaced -Me too. I hate the idea that "anyone can have an affair with opportunity if their ENs aren't met."It simply isn't true. I have had opportunity but always drew a very clear line. In fact, a friend of mine fell in love with me mainly, I believe, because I was so devoted to my husband. While I think we are all human, my values and plan to avoid anything suspicous kept me away from this.I do miss the rush of infatuation. I had it again with my husband before he started to jump ship. I remember thinking one night to myself "I just want a man, any man, to hold me tonight as I cry by myself in the dark."There are times where I would love to give him a taste of the pain he has caused me but the reality of it makes me ill. It is just wrong. The day after D-Day I had opportunity. If you aren't going to do it then, you aren't ever going down that path.Enjoy your time on your high horse. It seems to be all we have [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Have I thought about it recently? Yes.I've always been a faithful puppy-dog all our time together, despite the fact that I have been called attractive by more than just WW before... I've very gladly worn blinders to other women.Now, of course, I do wonder what all the fuss is about... but I also know that it would suck me in and probably leave me no better off than WW is right now... NOT A PRETTY SIGHT!!

Well everybody, I have no intention of ever having an A. The thought of actually doing that just gags me. I guess it is just a resentment that he got to have fun at my expense. So it is a double whammy, not only do I feel the pain and humiliation of betrayal, but I was suffering terribly ALREADY at the time that he did it, I was certainly not having a good time. (Horrible family illness.)He on the other hand was suffering from the same family illness problems, but instead of the pain of betrayal, he got to play and have fun and games.I just figured it out. I play fair, always have, dont understand the concept of cheating at anything. Therefore, I cannot conceive of someone who is supposed to care for me, hurting me in a way that is so obviously wrong. It was not a mistake or an accident. It was a decision.Thats what it is. It is NOT PLAYING FAIR.
I guess its like he embezzled money out of my lovebank acct. and then when he got caught he had spent it all and now Im broke, but he got to enjoy the money while he had the chance. Kind of like robbing a bank and running off to Vegas.Anyway, I suppose I was trying to think in my mind what it would take to be EVEN. Like when we are kids running around whining that this or that isnt fair, or so and so got more than we did. The only way for it to be even would be for him to experience the same thing I have. THAT AINT GONNA HAPPEN while he is married to me. AND it is not my job to punish him, that is GOD'S job if HE so chooses.The thing I'm finally getting through my head is this. I DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH IT!!!!!You guys have no idea how much I appreciate having someone to talk to (I am very isolated at home).Thanks, REPLACED

If I ever get to the point where my marriage is too painful to tolerate, I will just get a divorce. I have said this to H several times over the years. I told him, please do not cheat on me, if you dont want me just ask me for a divorce. To me that is the only honorable way out if problems cant be resolved. Cheating should not be an option.REPLACED

Replaced,I have been in both situations. My h. had a revenge a. to "do to you what you did to me and then we can be together". Although my a. was more an emotional breakdown than finding some en or anything, it devastated me and I spent time in the hospital and still have anxiety attacks. I always thought that if I ever felt that way, I would get a d., I tried to leave, but he convinced me to stay, how I don't know. I got no "high" from my a. It ruined me, as an affair should.Revenge affairs, well ask my h. I just looked at him and said, "have sex with her, I don't care". It ruined the thrill for him. I'm glad you respect yourself. You should, you all deserve someone who is going to be faithful, no matter what. Thinking about it when you get mad? Natural. Trust me, you don't want to feel the way I did, and I can tell that you would.

Deep down...no I don't. However, right now...Yes, I would like to have an A....and I am getting sick of fighting all the temptations. I know it is the wrong thing, and the wrong feelings...but I want to get even, I want to experience the affection of another woman, I need to feel the desire of someone else.Hopefully I can remain strong...because I know I would regret it someday.

waiting and wanting,"I know it is the wrong thing and the wrong feelings"KEY WORDS---"wrong thing"----thats all there is to it."wrong feelings"---who is to say what feelings are wrong? If we were to ACT on every feeling or urge we have can you imagine what the world would be like? By now I probably would have killed a few people just because of feelings! I dont mean to preach, after all I'm the one that started this thread, but it is helping me to get
a grip on my own DARK feelings and thoughts.REPLACED

Replaced...Yeah, I agree that I am no one to say what feelings are right and wrong.To me however, it is not a feeling I am very proud of. I don't like the fact that I want to get revenge. Revenge is being self-righteous...and for me, that is not the person I would like to be and it is very very hard not to be self-righteous. I am really not sure I can live up to my own expection very much longer, iwith my current situation.

waiting,I'm not proud of my feelings right now either. That is my clue to never act on it. That is my concience speaking. Feelings are human, they are not always right and good. Feelings are one thing, actions are another.I just figured if I started this topic and got it out of my head and on paper for the world to see, it would help to dissipate the feeling, and it really has helped. Best wishes, REPLACED

Replaced...
Yes, it helped. Thanks for posting it. It was kinda weird I was just thinking about posting the samething when I saw your post. It is good to know there are several other poeple out there just like us.

Hi Replaced !I wish I could say the same for myself, but I can't (not being able to have an affair). I had more than my share...still finding it hard to believe I'm still married to the same woman (she hasn't divorced me yet)I can tell you first hand the high's can be quite extreme, but like an addictive drug, the lows take you lower. You most likely would feel no satisfaction from the "revenge" part of it and your life will become complicated beyond belief.
Here are some of the rewards that I reaped from the whole experience:Looking over my shoulder on a daily basis
Job performance declining to a dangerous point
Losing respect of myself, friends and family
Therapy for severe depression
Emotional breakdowns
Cost of personal therapy for depression
Cost of marriage couseling
Cost of motel rooms ...etc...
Sexual Problems because of guilt....and this is the short listYou would be better off getting counseling and giving it a 100% shot for a given period of time, and then making a definate decision to split or stay. The idea of the affair is better than the reality, believe me. It's a fairy-tail world that
gives you a short term high, giving you a soulmate, someone who really undestands you, listens etc, etc, etc...It turns you into a junkie faster than anything,
looking for that emotional fix because it gives you what you feel you are lacking. And maybe the sex will be fantastic, and you'll feel justified
for whatever reason. Fact is that life just isn't that simple. If you stay married keep the wall up, if you don't it comes back down.Don't be so hard on yourself about being naive, so to say. It's better than the alternative...which is after all, just an illusion.
Good Luck[ May 07, 2002: Message edited by: mojoman ]

Replaced,I, too, discovered that my H gave to his OW all the things I had been longing for throughout the M and that he now acknowledges he purposefully withheld from me. I had just resigned myself that he was not capable of meeting my needs, and then to discover that he was VERY capable and gave all that to someone else instead was beyond devastating and enraging both! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] The solution to that is very simple. He is now found out. I make no more excuses for him to myself nor do I allow him to make any excuses for himself. Now that I know what he is capable of, I will not settle for less than what I should have gotten all along. If he wants to remain married to me, he will need to learn to meet my ENs no matter how vulnerable that makes him feel. HE is the one who raised the bar of my expectations.The very first time I called him on it was when he whined about going to the doctor for STD tests the week after D-day, saying he didn't have time, he had to work, wah, wah, wah. My response was that I know that he found time in his busy schedule to dally with the OW, so if he cannot find time in his busy schedule to have STD tests in order to have sex with me as part of our marital recovery, then that was fine by me, and it told me a lot about his commitment to marital recovery and where it ranked on his priority list and correspondingly its chance of success.The reason you have never and still cannot have an A is because you cannot betray YOURSELF. Be happy that you value yourself that much, and teach your H to value you the same way.(If any of this is repetitive because someone else already posted similarly, I apologize because I didn't have time to read all the posts first, but couldn't resist posting. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] )[ May 07, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]

I agree with Mojoman. To me having an A is akin to smoking crack or shooting heroin. In the beginning it is pure ecstasy but as time goes by the drug no longer supplies pleasure but is used for the single purpose to take away the pain of withdrawl. I've yet to read about one WS that doesn't crash and burn sooner or later.He** it's bad enough that I have a caffeine addiction brought on by working the graveyard shift, without adding a more self destructive one like an A.Joe[ May 07, 2002: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]

There have been several threads on this topic. My counselor told me that secondary affairs are almost predictable. There is no reason to berate yourself for having the thought. You are looking for a fix that will make you feel better, some sort of self-medication. Acting on that thought would be another thing.I went through a strange time about 4 months ago. Although we were doing very well in recovery, there was an underlying pain that I just could not get rid of. I was so tired of feeling it. I felt that I needed to do something radical to get rid of the pain… like run away. And there was another thought that occupied my mind a good part of the time…. That the excitement of an affair would make me feel better. That it would give me a high, be self medicating. I seemed to have no control over this thought process. It scared me.Since my H and I now talk about everything, I told him about it. At first he was shocked and I think a little hurt. But I got him to understand that I did not want to have an affair. I was being driven crazy with the thoughts…. .kind of like when a song keep playing through your mind. After that I talked to him about it when it really drove me nuts. I really got bad around the anniversary of d-day (March 22).Last weekend I realized that not only had the thought disappeared, but the need for some sort of ‘fix’, and the low-grade constant pain too. I thanked my H for helping me through that for putting up with me through that dip in the roller coaster.So many people have brought up this topic on MB, and after my experience I think the thought process is a natural part of the BS’s healing process. Just work through it. As so many here has advised, don’t act on it. Be true to yourself.

I'm deeply hurt that H abandoned me in my darkest hour. It was not humanly possible for me to even come close to meeting his needs for at least a year preceding his last A.At times I am still overcome by jealousy and envy that OW's keep receiving from H what I so desperately need and yearn for.I feel envy for the pleasure he experienced. Here is the biggest thing. Basically H wanted me to come out and play. For a very long time I was not able to do that. Instead of standing by me and waiting until I could play, he just left me to suffer alone and found a new playmate.I dont want my own A but I am very bitter about the fun H and OW had. That is what is keeping me miserable.Replaced

Replaced,Seems to me that while the affair is terrible, his abandonment of you make it all even worse. I can understand your feeling bitter about what he did. What worries me is that the anger and bitterness is hurting you, not him. So you are getting a double whammy out of all this. It’s an easy cycle to get caught up in …. I’ve certainly been there before.It seems to me that someone needs to start putting YOU first. And it’s going to have to be you. If you had no more problems in your life, what would you do with the time and energy you are now spending on being angry, upset, and bitter, etc? If you divorced your H, how would your life be different? What would you do differently?Make a list of those things and start living your life as though there were not problems and you are happy. The feelings will follow the actions.Start taking care of YOU. Start giving yourself what you need. Start living the life you would lead if all were ok in your life. By doing this you will get the ‘fix’ you need from the affair. Your H chose to have an affair to have the fun he wanted. But you can have tons of fun in your life without having an affair. So do it. What would be better then to raise from the ashes of his affair a happier, more desirable woman? Might get his attention too.Be deliciously irresponsible once in a while and treat yourself to something that you really want… like an expensive dress. My sister’s best friend threw out all of the cloths and bought a new wardrobe. She also got a total make over. Charged it all on her H’s credit cards. Her H was very nice and attentive to her after that one. He could not afford to go through that again.I know a lady who had a huge rummage sale to get rid of everything in her house, down to the dishes and replaced everything with something new. Most of us could not afford this, but just watching her do it made me giddy. Even now thinking of it makes me laugh.When I left my ex-h, I tore down a wall in our house that I’d always wanted removed. My ex-h would not let me make any changes to the house, ever. I wrote all sorts of things about him, angry, nasty things. I wrote them in Italian so that our son would not understand what I wrote. Then I took a sledgehammer to the wall (It was an old plaster wall). When it was a pile of rumble on the floor I felt a catharsis.Be indulgent… give yourself one of those wonderful all day spa appointments. Some of them will even serve you Champaign as part of the treat. Ask a girl friend go with you. If this is too expensive, then do an hour or two. Yes a lot of these things I suggested are expensive. Not all of us could afford to do them. I know I could not get a totally new wardrobe or replace all of my home furnishings. So I give them as something to get your creative juices running. And if you could afford the more delicious, irresponsible things, then do it. Just don’t hurt your bottom line. Have an affair with life!!

[ September 02, 2002, 10:54 AM: Message edited by: AD ]

Zorweb,I was suffering from "caretakers syndrome", because of my ill children and an ill grandchild. This is when H had his A. I am finally falling apart after several years of unusual 24/7 in your face circumstances. Thats why I am venting and facing my feelings. I know I HAVE to take care of myself, or I dont know if I will make it(I mean literally). I think H's A was HIS reaction to all the stuff we have been thru. I'm really scared for our health. replaced

Yes I thought about it to try and understand WH. But I didnt think about actually doing it.
I knew God would be disappointed in me, I knew it would drive my husband even further away, I knew there would be a multitude of physical, emotional and spiritual consequences and I really loved God, my baby and my husband too much to do it.
Let alone doing it for pleasure.Sometimes when I get upset I try to think about the possibility of meeting someone else and falling in love again but it makes me feel sick inside.I still love him.Dancer

Replaced,Well, you just vent away here. I hope you did not think I was telling not to vent. I was trying to cheer you up and get you moving for your own good. Don’t you hate it when people do that and you just want them to understand? And I think I was talking to myself as much as I was to you. I do understand.Along with the recovery from my H’s affairs I too have been doing the ‘caretaker’ thing for a while. My H has two children who have some very serious problems stemming from their mothers’ affairs, neglect by her, and other things I will not get into right now. Their dad, my H, travels 30%-50% of the time. So I am left here to work a full time job and take care of them. They are not ill in the physical sense, but they are in the emotional sense. I think that one of my H’s reasons for having his affairs was to run away from the problems with his children. It was easy, after single parenting for a couple of years to just let me handle it and go off to his fantasy world. As of last August my stepson has been in a psychiatric hospital. That makes it easier on us, but there is still time and care needed. Through all of this I am also parenting my own son who is not a piece of cake either. To top it off my mom had a stroke in January. So I’ve been taking care of her too. Thank goodness that since D-day, my H has been more and more able to face and deal with the children issues. It has been a very, very hard two years.My health has suffered. I too am trying to find that way out of the ‘caretakers syndrome’. Though I am not sure that what I have gone through is as intense as what you did, it has been intense. I understand where you are coming from.
Venting is part of healing. We need to get it all out until it’s all gone. So vent away. Because of your failing health it’s even more important that you take care of yourself. I was not being flippant when I said do something deliciously irresponsible. Obviously you are a VERY responsible person. So I was suggesting that you do something totally different from what you would normally do. I would never suggest that an irresponsible person be ‘deliciously irresponsible’. They already do too much of that.. you and I don’t. But at least do something ‘wonderfully nurturing’. I think you are right that your H’s affair was his way of handling the stress. He knew that you would, and could, handle it all. So instead of helping you and giving you relief he ran off. It was not fair to you and as you said it hurt emotionally and physically beyond belief. Sounds like in the end it hurt his health too.

Zorweb, I went to an IC for a short time. When he heard my story about the family problems he said, "the only reason YOU aren't having an affair is because you are too BUSY!" I understood what he meant, but on the other hand if I were'nt so d@mn busy I'd be taking care of my H. replaced