waiting and wanting,<p>"I know it is the wrong thing and the wrong feelings"<p>KEY WORDS---"wrong thing"----thats all there is to it.<p>"wrong feelings"---who is to say what feelings are wrong? If we were to ACT<p> on every feeling or urge we have can you imagine what the world would be like? By now I probably would have killed a few people just because of feelings! <p>I dont mean to preach, after all I'm the one that<p> started this thread, but it is helping me to get
a grip on my own DARK feelings and thoughts.<p>REPLACED

Replaced...<p>Yeah, I agree that I am no one to say what feelings are right and wrong.<p>To me however, it is not a feeling I am very proud of. I don't like the fact that I want to get revenge. Revenge is being self-righteous...and for me, that is not the person I would like to be and it is very very hard not to be self-righteous. I am really not sure I can live up to my own expection very much longer, iwith my current situation.

waiting,<p>I'm not proud of my feelings right now either. That is my clue to never act on it. That is my concience speaking. Feelings are human, they are not always right and good. Feelings are one thing, actions are another.<p>I just figured if I started this topic and got it out of my head and on paper for the world to see, it would help to dissipate the feeling, and it really has helped. <p>Best wishes, REPLACED

Replaced...
Yes, it helped. Thanks for posting it. It was kinda weird I was just thinking about posting the samething when I saw your post. It is good to know there are several other poeple out there just like us.

Hi Replaced !<p>I wish I could say the same for myself, but I can't (not being able to have an affair). I had more than my share...still finding it hard to believe I'm still married to the same woman (she hasn't divorced me yet)<p>I can tell you first hand the high's can be quite extreme, but like an addictive drug, the lows take you lower. You most likely would feel no satisfaction from the "revenge" part of it and your life will become complicated beyond belief.
Here are some of the rewards that I reaped from the whole experience:<p>Looking over my shoulder on a daily basis
Job performance declining to a dangerous point
Losing respect of myself, friends and family
Therapy for severe depression
Emotional breakdowns
Cost of personal therapy for depression
Cost of marriage couseling
Cost of motel rooms ...etc...
Sexual Problems because of guilt<p>....and this is the short list<p>You would be better off getting counseling and giving it a 100% shot for a given period of time, and then making a definate decision to split or stay. The idea of the affair is better than the reality, believe me. It's a fairy-tail world that
gives you a short term high, giving you a soulmate, someone who really undestands you, listens etc, etc, etc...<p>It turns you into a junkie faster than anything,
looking for that emotional fix because it gives you what you feel you are lacking. And maybe the sex will be fantastic, and you'll feel justified
for whatever reason. Fact is that life just isn't that simple. If you stay married keep the wall up, if you don't it comes back down.<p>Don't be so hard on yourself about being naive, so to say. It's better than the alternative...which is after all, just an illusion.
Good Luck<p>[ May 07, 2002: Message edited by: mojoman ]</p>

Replaced,<p>I, too, discovered that my H gave to his OW all the things I had been longing for throughout the M and that he now acknowledges he purposefully withheld from me. I had just resigned myself that he was not capable of meeting my needs, and then to discover that he was VERY capable and gave all that to someone else instead was beyond devastating and enraging both! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>The solution to that is very simple. He is now found out. I make no more excuses for him to myself nor do I allow him to make any excuses for himself. Now that I know what he is capable of, I will not settle for less than what I should have gotten all along. If he wants to remain married to me, he will need to learn to meet my ENs no matter how vulnerable that makes him feel. HE is the one who raised the bar of my expectations.<p>The very first time I called him on it was when he whined about going to the doctor for STD tests the week after D-day, saying he didn't have time, he had to work, wah, wah, wah. My response was that I know that he found time in his busy schedule to dally with the OW, so if he cannot find time in his busy schedule to have STD tests in order to have sex with me as part of our marital recovery, then that was fine by me, and it told me a lot about his commitment to marital recovery and where it ranked on his priority list and correspondingly its chance of success.<p>The reason you have never and still cannot have an A is because you cannot betray YOURSELF. Be happy that you value yourself that much, and teach your H to value you the same way.<p>(If any of this is repetitive because someone else already posted similarly, I apologize because I didn't have time to read all the posts first, but couldn't resist posting. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>[ May 07, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

I agree with Mojoman. To me having an A is akin to smoking crack or shooting heroin. In the beginning it is pure ecstasy but as time goes by the drug no longer supplies pleasure but is used for the single purpose to take away the pain of withdrawl. I've yet to read about one WS that doesn't crash and burn sooner or later.<p>He** it's bad enough that I have a caffeine addiction brought on by working the graveyard shift, without adding a more self destructive one like an A.<p>Joe<p>[ May 07, 2002: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</p>

There have been several threads on this topic. My counselor told me that secondary affairs are almost predictable. There is no reason to berate yourself for having the thought. You are looking for a fix that will make you feel better, some sort of self-medication. Acting on that thought would be another thing.<p>I went through a strange time about 4 months ago. Although we were doing very well in recovery, there was an underlying pain that I just could not get rid of. I was so tired of feeling it. I felt that I needed to do something radical to get rid of the pain… like run away. And there was another thought that occupied my mind a good part of the time…. That the excitement of an affair would make me feel better. That it would give me a high, be self medicating. I seemed to have no control over this thought process. It scared me.<p>Since my H and I now talk about everything, I told him about it. At first he was shocked and I think a little hurt. But I got him to understand that I did not want to have an affair. I was being driven crazy with the thoughts…. .kind of like when a song keep playing through your mind. After that I talked to him about it when it really drove me nuts. I really got bad around the anniversary of d-day (March 22).<p>Last weekend I realized that not only had the thought disappeared, but the need for some sort of ‘fix’, and the low-grade constant pain too. I thanked my H for helping me through that for putting up with me through that dip in the roller coaster.<p>So many people have brought up this topic on MB, and after my experience I think the thought process is a natural part of the BS’s healing process. Just work through it. As so many here has advised, don’t act on it. Be true to yourself.

I'm deeply hurt that H abandoned me in my darkest hour. It was not humanly possible for me to even come close to meeting his needs for at least a year preceding his last A.<p>At times I am still overcome by jealousy and envy that OW's keep receiving from H what I so desperately need and yearn for.<p>I feel envy for the pleasure he experienced. <p>Here is the biggest thing. Basically H wanted me to come out and play. For a very long time I was not able to do that. Instead of standing by me and waiting until I could play, he just left me to suffer alone and found a new playmate.<p>I dont want my own A but I am very bitter about the fun H and OW had. That is what is keeping me miserable.<p>Replaced

Replaced,<p>Seems to me that while the affair is terrible, his abandonment of you make it all even worse. <p>I can understand your feeling bitter about what he did. What worries me is that the anger and bitterness is hurting you, not him. So you are getting a double whammy out of all this. It’s an easy cycle to get caught up in …. I’ve certainly been there before.<p>It seems to me that someone needs to start putting YOU first. And it’s going to have to be you. If you had no more problems in your life, what would you do with the time and energy you are now spending on being angry, upset, and bitter, etc? If you divorced your H, how would your life be different? What would you do differently?<p>Make a list of those things and start living your life as though there were not problems and you are happy. The feelings will follow the actions.<p>Start taking care of YOU. Start giving yourself what you need. Start living the life you would lead if all were ok in your life. By doing this you will get the ‘fix’ you need from the affair. Your H chose to have an affair to have the fun he wanted. But you can have tons of fun in your life without having an affair. So do it. What would be better then to raise from the ashes of his affair a happier, more desirable woman? Might get his attention too.<p>Be deliciously irresponsible once in a while and treat yourself to something that you really want… like an expensive dress. My sister’s best friend threw out all of the cloths and bought a new wardrobe. She also got a total make over. Charged it all on her H’s credit cards. Her H was very nice and attentive to her after that one. He could not afford to go through that again.<p>I know a lady who had a huge rummage sale to get rid of everything in her house, down to the dishes and replaced everything with something new. Most of us could not afford this, but just watching her do it made me giddy. Even now thinking of it makes me laugh.<p>When I left my ex-h, I tore down a wall in our house that I’d always wanted removed. My ex-h would not let me make any changes to the house, ever. I wrote all sorts of things about him, angry, nasty things. I wrote them in Italian so that our son would not understand what I wrote. Then I took a sledgehammer to the wall (It was an old plaster wall). When it was a pile of rumble on the floor I felt a catharsis.<p>Be indulgent… give yourself one of those wonderful all day spa appointments. Some of them will even serve you Champaign as part of the treat. Ask a girl friend go with you. If this is too expensive, then do an hour or two. <p>Yes a lot of these things I suggested are expensive. Not all of us could afford to do them. I know I could not get a totally new wardrobe or replace all of my home furnishings. So I give them as something to get your creative juices running. And if you could afford the more delicious, irresponsible things, then do it. Just don’t hurt your bottom line. <p>Have an affair with life!!

<small>[ September 02, 2002, 10:54 AM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

Zorweb,<p>I was suffering from "caretakers syndrome", because of my ill children and an ill grandchild. This is when H had his A. I am finally falling apart after several years of unusual 24/7 in your face circumstances. Thats why I am venting and facing my feelings. I know I HAVE to take care of myself, or I dont know if I will make it(I mean literally). I think H's A was HIS reaction to all the stuff we have been thru. I'm really scared for our health. <p>replaced

Yes I thought about it to try and understand WH. But I didnt think about actually doing it.
I knew God would be disappointed in me, I knew it would drive my husband even further away, I knew there would be a multitude of physical, emotional and spiritual consequences and I really loved God, my baby and my husband too much to do it.
Let alone doing it for pleasure.<p>Sometimes when I get upset I try to think about the possibility of meeting someone else and falling in love again but it makes me feel sick inside.<p>I still love him.<p>Dancer

Replaced,<p>Well, you just vent away here. I hope you did not think I was telling not to vent. I was trying to cheer you up and get you moving for your own good. Don’t you hate it when people do that and you just want them to understand? And I think I was talking to myself as much as I was to you. I do understand.<p>Along with the recovery from my H’s affairs I too have been doing the ‘caretaker’ thing for a while. My H has two children who have some very serious problems stemming from their mothers’ affairs, neglect by her, and other things I will not get into right now. Their dad, my H, travels 30%-50% of the time. So I am left here to work a full time job and take care of them. They are not ill in the physical sense, but they are in the emotional sense. I think that one of my H’s reasons for having his affairs was to run away from the problems with his children. It was easy, after single parenting for a couple of years to just let me handle it and go off to his fantasy world. As of last August my stepson has been in a psychiatric hospital. That makes it easier on us, but there is still time and care needed. Through all of this I am also parenting my own son who is not a piece of cake either. To top it off my mom had a stroke in January. So I’ve been taking care of her too. Thank goodness that since D-day, my H has been more and more able to face and deal with the children issues. It has been a very, very hard two years.<p>My health has suffered. I too am trying to find that way out of the ‘caretakers syndrome’. Though I am not sure that what I have gone through is as intense as what you did, it has been intense. I understand where you are coming from.
Venting is part of healing. We need to get it all out until it’s all gone. So vent away. Because of your failing health it’s even more important that you take care of yourself. I was not being flippant when I said do something deliciously irresponsible. Obviously you are a VERY responsible person. So I was suggesting that you do something totally different from what you would normally do. I would never suggest that an irresponsible person be ‘deliciously irresponsible’. They already do too much of that.. you and I don’t. But at least do something ‘wonderfully nurturing’. <p>I think you are right that your H’s affair was his way of handling the stress. He knew that you would, and could, handle it all. So instead of helping you and giving you relief he ran off. It was not fair to you and as you said it hurt emotionally and physically beyond belief. Sounds like in the end it hurt his health too.

Zorweb, I went to an IC for a short time. When he heard my story about the family problems he said, "the only reason YOU aren't having an affair is because you are too BUSY!" I understood what he meant, but on the other hand if I were'nt so d@mn busy I'd be taking care of my H. <p>replaced