Thinking about having an affair - Marriage Builders® Forums

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I know that having an affair is so bad for a relationship but I see myslef headed for one very quickly. Good friends of mine are seperating and the H and I have become close. Too close some would say. My H and I have problems, major problems and no matter how often I try to talk to him about them, he either clams up and doesn't speak or gets so angry that one of us ends up leaving (the room, the house). We seem to lead such radically different lives lately. He goes to work early in the morning (7 ish) and works till about 5, where as I head to work for 9 and come home around 7. Then I have a busy schedule in the evenings with social events and such. I always ask my H to come along so we can be together, but none of the activities are interesting to him. He would rather sit at home (ALONE) playing on the computer or watching tv, which is something I can not do EVERY night. I just need more excitement in my life. Well my friends H is just like me. He thinks the same way as I do and we get along great, only my feelings towards him are changing. Quickly. I dream about him and think about him all the time. I can't even remember when the last time was I dreamt about my own H. I find myself wondering how his day went and if he thinks of me the way I think of him. I feel terrible for what he and his wife are going through, and I want to be there for him. And her, since we are good friends. If he ever propositioned me, at this point in my life, I don't know what i would say or how I would react. Would I give in and ruin my marriage? Ruin my friendship with my friend? Could I be happy with this OM? My H and I fight about having children all the time and I know this OM and I would never have children together (I've been told he can't), if it ever went that far, and that is something I really really want, the children part. So going to this OM would not fill that void in my life. But I can't figure out what is so pleasing and attractive about this OM, that I could consider leaving my marriage for him. Am I that lonely? Am I in need for some excitement? I really don't know. Anybody have any thoughts on this? I am in a complete state of kaos. I don't plan on making the first move with OM, but if he made the first move, then what? His marriage is falling apart, do I want mine toalso? I do love my H, but more like a roommate right now, than anything else. This OM stirs up feelings inside me that I have not felt in a VERY long time. Advice? Suggestions? HELP!

To start with... read on this site as much as your eyes can take!! Then rest up, and come back and read some more.During this time, you should tell you H (husband) how you feel. When you ask him to go out with you, explain to him that when he doesn't, it hurts your feelings. And if he really isn't willing to join you in your current activities... then find some things that you can BOTH enjoy doing TOGETHER. You should also tell your H that you are thinking about having an A (affair). It is considered 'radical honesty' of MB (marriagebuilders).Read up on EA's (Emotional Affairs). That is where you are at now. Now is your time to stop it. Buy SAA (surviving an affair), read it, and learn from it. Most of the book is covered on this site... but reading the book makes it easier to put all of the information into perspective.And last but not least (for now [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] )... welcome to Marriage Builders! I know I can speak for everyone here by saying we're REALLY happy you found this place before you acted on your feelings for this OM. Karen[ May 29, 2002: Message edited by: Topie25 ]

I don't know how long you have been with your husband, but all I can say is you made a committment to him in your marriage vows. If you are that unhappy in your marriage take some time away from him via separation and ensure you communicate with him why you need this time. In this time you can decide what you need adn want out of life. Don't have a affair, why would you, is this a once in a life time chance that you can screw up your life and your husbands life. Let me tell you if you haven't had the affair yet, these things will screw up the rest of your life, family and friends will hate you. You will always have to live with what you did. The satisfaction this man can bring you on the short term is not near what the hurt brings on the long term. This other man is just another fish in the sea, there is millions of fish out there. You must work to make your marriage work through communication, separation, or inevitably divorce. I can only say no matter how bad things are in your marriage there is no time a affair is justified, absolutely no time, and if you do choose to have the affair may your life be filled with sadness and unhappiness for ever!!!

Holly, Do you have a plan to avoid infidelity? If so, what is it? If not, why not? What does marriage mean to you? What does it mean to your H? Pursuing an A (and not having a plan to avoid it IS a CHOICE to pursue an A) with your friend's H is a double betrayal of both your H and your friend.We have a friend here on this forum named maggierose who has been the victim of an A between her H and her best friend. The only thing I can think of being more sickening than my situation is one like hers, where she loved both adulterers and believed they both loved her. Do you really want to be a person who would do that to ANY other human being, much less two people you say you care about?The person you will hurt the most if you continue down the road you're on is yourself. All of us here who have been betrayed will tell you that it is the worst pain of our lives. Some of us have lost children to death, and even that was less painful than the betrayal of our spouse's infidelity.But even in the midst of the worst pain of my life, I have something my H will never have: My integrity is fully intact. I have never compromised it with infidelity. As much as I hate the pain I have had to endure because of my H's betrayal, I would much rather be me than him.The best thing you can do is be honest with your H about your feelings. Don't be one of the whiners who says they "tried" to talk to their spouse, but the spouse just wouldn't listen. I have never once heard any of those whiners say they told their spouse they were falling in love with someone else and were fearful that they were vulnerable to having an A and asking for their spouse's help to avoid that. My guess is because we don't hear from the people who DID do that because they likely have intact and improved marriages unscarred by infidelity, so they have nothing to whine about.You have two choices: Have a R with the OM that has a 3% chance of survival and is based on lies and deception and betrayal or have a R with your H based on the honesty that is the ONLY foundation upon which the love and intimacy you desire can be built.What is your choice? And what is your plan?

hollyberry,I'm not going to rehash the pain your decision to have an affair would cause. Let me take a guess as to why you "want" this relationship to blossom, b/c I have similiar feelings..........Your emotional needs are not being met by your husband. Right now they are being met by your friend.Read the articles on Most Important Emotional Needs and download the questionaire from this site. Take two copies, one for you and one for your husband.Find a time that you can talk with your husband. I know that will be hard. If he is anything like mine, the TV, job, and Computer come first. But let him know that it is important.My husband was never open to EN questionaire, but if he was, I don't think I would be in the situation I am in today.....pretty much where you are now.These feelings you have for your friend will continue as long as he is meeting your EN's. If your husband was meeting them, you wouldn't have these feelings for your friend. Sounds too simple, but it's not. It won't be easy.Take care, welcome to MB, and read, read, read.

holly:First of all, good for you for asking for help before acting on impulse. You can truly screw up your life pretty quickly and permanently if you act on impulse."Good friends of mine are seperating and the H and I have become close. Too close some would say."The first danger signs. NEVER be alone with him!

"My H and I have problems, major problems and no matter how often I try to talk to him about them, he either clams up and doesn't speak or gets so angry that one of us ends up leaving (the room, the house). We seem to lead such radically different lives lately."This is a very common theme in As. My W and I were in a similar situation when her first A with OM started. You may not like this, but a BIG PART of what you describe her is RATIONALIZATION to support your feelings for your OM and feel less guilty about what you seem almost determined to do. This is harsh, but the feelings you have for your OM are based on a fantasy, not reality."He goes to work early in the morning (7 ish) and works till about 5, where as I head to work for 9 and come home around 7."Many As start because of frustration with a routine."Then I have a busy schedule in the evenings with social events and such. I always ask my H to come along so we can be together, but none of the activities are interesting to him."What are these activities? Are they really necessary? Can you and your H find something that you both enjoy and do those activities?"He would rather sit at home (ALONE) playing on the computer or watching tv, which is something I can not do EVERY night."Your H doesn't know what you are contemplating doing. I didn't either. But by the time my W came to me and actually told me that she was attracted to her OM, there was absolutely nothing I could do to prevent the A, because the only thing I could have said - stay away from each other - was completely unacceptable to her by that point. You need to tell your H what's going on in your mind and how you are feeling. He will be hurt, but this may be just the shock to wake him up to realizing just how important your M is to him. I didn't get this "shock" until I found out about my W's 2 As with OM 11 years after the first one started. Think about how hard it would be to rebuild your M, and for your H to trust you if you do this!

"I just need more excitement in my life. Well my friends H is just like me. He thinks the same way as I do and we get along great, only my feelings towards him are changing."Sorry for this, but this is complete fantasy bull$hit. You only think you're alike."I dream about him and think about him all the time. I can't even remember when the last time was I dreamt about my own H."This is because the fantasy is exciting. Your M has become dull and predictable, and you're taking each other for granted.

"I find myself wondering how his day went and if he thinks of me the way I think of him. I feel terrible for what he and his wife are going through, and I want to be there for him."You need to stay away from him. By no means ask him how he feels about you!! Think about your second sentence here. How can you do ANYTHING for his W's situation by getting involved with her H??? Remember, separation is a state of M, and it would be inappropriate to get involved with her H until he's actually divorced (and you are too).

"And her, since we are good friends."Then, be a good friend and LEAVE HER H ALONE."If he ever propositioned me, at this point in my life, I don't know what i would say or how I would react. Would I give in and ruin my marriage? Ruin my friendship with my friend?"Based on what you say, I bet you would dive right into an A with him if he were to ask you. DON'T DO IT."Could I be happy with this OM?"Possibly for a year or so, then you'd go through hell once the fantasy was replaced by the reality. "My H and I fight about having children all the time and I know this OM and I would never have children together (I've been told he can't), if it ever went that far, and that is something I really really want, the children part."So, get counseling and work this out with your H, and stay away from this OM."So going to this OM would not fill that void in my life. But I can't figure out what is so pleasing and attractive about this OM, that I could consider leaving my marriage for him."It's a fantasy to fulfill the needs you're not getting from your H. But you CAN get them from your H if you work at it (particularly if he's completely aware of the problem)."Am I that lonely? Am I in need for some excitement?"Probably. Get counseling for both you and your H. He must have excited you at some point, or you wouldn't have married him. Real life gets routine pretty easily, with job schedules, tv, computers and the like. You have the tools to make your M exciting and rewarding, but you need your H's help. He can't help if he doesn't know what's at stake (like I couldn't help my W 12 years ago).Don't get into the position of having to live a lie 24/7 by not telling your H all about the things that impact your relationship to him.

BAD IDEA. DO NOT DO IT!!!!!!!Can't stress that enough. Everyone has hit it on the head. You will regret it. Promise you that.RADICAL HONESTY!!!!! Tell your H what you are feeling and that if he doesn't do something about it, you are afraid of what might happen. You have got to get the point across to him that THIS IS AN EMERGENCY. !!!TODAY!!!If you truly love you H and truly want your M to work, then you owe him at least the chance to stop the A from happening. You owe that to yourself. It's not the man you want, it is the needs you both are forfilling for each other that attract you to one another. Put your focus back on your H child and without delay. I can't express this enough.Like Topie said, READ about RADICAL HONESTY, EMOTIONAL NEEDS here on MB, and buy "SURVIVING AN AFFAIR". If you want things to change between you and your H, then look at yourself. You can't change nor control your H no matter how much you try, but YOU CAN CHANGE AND CONTROL YOURSELF. Your choice....the good or the bad. I'd choose the good if I were you cause you don't want to suffer the consequences of the bad, speaking from experience. Your H deserves the chance to atleast fight for you, don't you think?"A faithful heart makes dreams and wishes come true."JUST MY THOUGHTS.
INTHECLOUDS320

Hi Hollyberry,Welcome to MB! You've gotten some great advice. As a BS, I can only wish that my wife had asked me the questions that you are asking here before she started down the road of infidelity...You have now idea how much pain and suffering you will cause in your marriage if you take this road. Read some of the posts here at MB and you might be able to get a glimps of some of the pain that both the BS and WS go through.Along with the books recommended here, I'd also recomend getting a copy of Torn Asunder... Tell your husband exactly what you've told us and stay away from the OM... If you care anything about your marriage, your friendship with the other couple, and most importantly, yourself, then you will RUN from this situation. You are a hair's width away from stepping across a line that you'll forever wish that you'd never crossed...Again, welcome... and let us know how you're doing. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote>quote:<hr> The best thing you can do is be honest with your H about your feelings. Don't be one of the whiners who says they "tried" to talk to their spouse, but the spouse just wouldn't listen. I have never once heard any of those whiners say they told their spouse they were falling in love with someone else and were fearful that they were vulnerable to having an A and asking for their spouse's help to avoid that. My guess is because we don't hear from the people who DID do that because they likely have intact and improved marriages unscarred by infidelity, so they have nothing to whine about. <hr></blockquote>
It figures I would have to be the exception to the rule, although I am not a whiner.
I DID tell my H that I was having an EA and begged him to go to counseling with me. He declined, saying that we could work it out on our own but by all means if I wanted to see a C to go ahead. Well I went to 4 different counselors and ended up having a PA anyway. We are now in recovery but I'm sorry it had to go to PA before he finally took me seriously.

WIB:
"It figures I would have to be the exception to the rule, although I am not a whiner.
I DID tell my H that I was having an EA and begged him to go to counseling with me. He declined, saying that we could work it out on our own but by all means if I wanted to see a C to go ahead. Well I went to 4 different counselors and ended up having a PA anyway. We are now in recovery but I'm sorry it had to go to PA before he finally took me seriously."Sounds familiar. I'm one of those that doesn't think that unmet EN's had a lot to do with my W having her As. She came to me and said she was attracted to OM. She asked me what I thought constitutes an A. I, like many uneducated BSs, said "so long as there's no sex involved, it's not an A." My W went to a C 3 times (until C said she had problems of her own and couldn't see my W anymore!!!), then quit. My W continued to get emotionally involved with OM, and rationalized (my opinion) that my response about the sex meant that I didn't care about her feelings, and so she had the PA anyway. In retrospect, even if I'd said the "right thing" and told her she needed to stop seeing the OM (requiring that she quit the job she had at that time, and subsequently quit grad school, at least where OM was attending), she would have had the A. At least, perhaps I would have known about it at the time and could either worked to save our M THEN, or DV'd and started over while I was still in my 30's. Radical honesty for hollyberry is probably the first step, along with GOOD counseling (for her first, but for both of them as soon after as possible). This is a precarious situation, and needs to be dealt with NOW.

hollyberry.......if you are out there. I know how you feel. But don't give up just yet. I know the feelings of giving up and not caring anymore, because you've tried sooooooooo many times to let your H know what the problem is.
We are not whiners, I've never thought of myself as a whiner. I've expressed my needs, my love, my expectations, and my wants for my marriage, only to be slammed against a brick wall. I've given my H the chance to rebuild our marriage only to be met with this is "ridicules" and "stupid" and "fake".Your H is not there, ask him to participate in MB principles. Ask him to share with you what you both need out of your marriage. Vows are only vows. If both parties are not willing to work at this, then it will never be the marriage you want it to be. I will probably be critized for my comments, but I've been here for 1 1/2 yrs, and I know.......my H is not willing to work on our issues......so recovery is at a stalemate. I'm looking for my own happiness now. Whatever I can find. He is on his own. If he still wants to be married to me.............He needs to "SHOW ME" he wants to be married.[ May 29, 2002: Message edited by: vernon3 ]

OK here's my contribution for what it's worth.My wife was in your position. Our lives were boring. Our joint activities had reduced to a night in fornt of the tv - nothing more. She was bored.We got the internet and a few days later she was having an affair - meeting with someone who she found online. A FEW DAYS. That is how close you are unless YOU actively drive a course away from it.I will tell it from my side - hopefully this will let you see the consequences clearly.For three months I knew something was wrong. She picked a couple of fights with me that were out of character and seemed very remote to me. I had the thought "she could be having an affair" but dismissed it.Then I found out. Text messages and emails. It took a week for me to challenge her. After a weak denial she admitted all. I told her to end it, held her and thought everything was ok.She was addicted though. Her actions put me through a furhter four months of hell which involved serious weight loss, collapse, hospital treatment, pills for depression. Interestingly, she got the pills and the weight loss too. IT DAMAGED HER AS MUCH AS IT DAMAGED ME.I focussed on my part of this website - it helped me enormously to deal with issues and emotions I simply had no experience of. It helped me to focus on improving myself.Other things happened within her extra-marital relationship. I think she tried to end it on numerous occasions. But didn't have the will power to see it through. The teenage son of her lover found out. Other people hurt. She was seen by our daughter. Her interest in her children diminished to nil. It does seem that once in deep you can't get out! So don't get in at all.Eventually, I found the strength within myself to realise that I had a happy life ahead of me without my wife, or a happy life ahead of me with my wife. But the excrutiating pain of that time had to end. So I issued an ultimatum.I was lucky. It did the trick. The affair ended.You may think that life then becomes all happy again, but no. You have two people who have to repair a MASSIVE hole. You have a man who cannot forgive yet. 8 months on and I cannot say I forgive. Until my marriage is repaired and improved I cannot forgive.You have a woman who is racked with guilt. She has hurt somebody important to her more than was imagineable. She loved the idea of an affair, but the reality was a nightmare for her and she is taking an age to come to terms with her actions. This contrbutes to an extraordinarily sloooooow repair on our marriage. I have seen her other man in chat rooms talking about his experiences. He was in love with my wife (he says). He has started smoking again, lost 40lb in weight and is in depression. His marriage has died and he sees his son little. Beleive me, while I hate this man with all my might, I wouldn't wish depression on anybody. It is truly awful.You have choices. 1) Have an affair (physical or emotional) and wreck your marriage, either permanantly or for several years (it is an addiction - like heroin - short term high for long term misery). Your target is a soft touch who needs support. Make it clear your friendship extends to his wife too - and as such, you cannot give him that sort of support.2) Carry on as you are bored and frustrated. 3) Take positive action to repair your marriage.I know which I would choose. Do something to excite your husband! Sounds like he's as bored as you are!Seriously - why have YOU let your marriage get to this? Two people are to blame for this and you are one of them.Do you need a career change? A routine change? A night out with the girls once a week? A night out with your husband once a week (or month)? This website worked for helping me survive an affair and give my marriage hope. Make it work for you by finding out what you need to do for yourself and together to get your marriage motoring again.A simple thought from me - do one thing a day to make your marriage interesting!

You guys are not helping here. She needs a way to see if her H can meet her EN's. That is what is missing. He doesn't see it, for ego reasons, or masculine reasons, or whatever.......HE DOESN'T GET IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!What do you do when they don't get it?

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by vernon3:
What do you do when they don't get it?<hr></blockquote>You read this site from beginning to end and start a good Plan A. You work on eliminating LBs. You meet whatever ENs your spouse will allow you to meet to the very best of your ability. If at all possible, you entice your spouse into counseling with someone from MB. If the spouse doesn't want to participate in counseling, you do it yourself for the good of the marriage. If after a suitable length of time in a solid Plan A the spouse still refuses to participate in the marriage, you move to Plan B. Counseling will prove to be invaluable here, because a good Plan B letter needs to go along with the action. If your spouse still doesn't get it after plan B, then your love will be dead and you can move to a divorce without regrets, knowing you did the best you could.That's what you do when they don't get it. What you don't do is have an affair.[ May 29, 2002: Message edited by: o2bsane ]

2long,I'm not picking on you but you've brought something up that makes me curious.
<blockquote>quote:<hr> I'm one of those that doesn't think that unmet EN's had a lot to do with my W having her As. <hr></blockquote>
Do you feel this way now? I'm only asking because I've read some of the things you do for her in your Plan Aing and it sounds like you are trying to meet her ENs. I was just curious as to why you would think it made a difference if you don't think that was the reason for her A. BTW, I think my H tends to think along those same lines too. Don't get me wrong, he was mighty upset when I told him of my EA, but he kept on saying things like "YOU need to talk to someone, YOU need to see a counselor, YOU have the problem". To this day he has never admitted to the possibility that something may have been lacking in our M pre A, although I'm sure shoving all this MB material down his throat has given him a good idea that's how I feel.

WIB:Yes, I do feel that way now. More so than after D-day. Because I LEARNED that this is how the A started only just about a month ago. And it took me a while to realize, during an argument with my W about 2 weeks ago, that even if this were going on now, that my demanding that my W stop seeing OM would not have stopped the A from taking off. In a way, this is not at all surprising, because when someone finds about an A that's underway, the best thing they can do anyway is to do a good plan A and wait it out. Demands don't usually work (manfromtheuk's situation being one notable exception here). I've also tried to get my W to tell me what EN's I wasn't meeting that he was. Every time, I get answer "I don't need that much attention, just a little bit more than you gave me". I have never gotten her to fill out the ENQ, either. And then, of course, she has TOLD me that filling EN's wasn't the main reason for the A. Our M was "pretty good" up until she became attracted to the OM. So, it went downhill when the A started, and wasn't directly the "cause" of the A. At the same time, I don't want to give the impression that our M was "perfect". Far from it. It was certainly mundane, though, and that may have been enough to enable the A. I don't know for sure and maybe never will. But I also know now that I need to stop dwelling so much on what's happened and focus on what we can be together, if saving our M is called for. I hope so.I guess I do try frantically (sometimes) to meet ENs like crazy, in case I hit a home run or something. But it doesn't seem to be the important thing here. What seems to be important to my W is that I am trying so hard because I think what we have built is so valuable to me, and yes, that I love my W more than she gave me credit for (meaning I want to support her independence-driven ambitions, not supress them). I do think she needs more Cing than she's getting, but at least recently she's gone from thinking of sessions as a waste of time to maybe even looking forward to the next one (in 2 weeks). I still don't have a firm "no contact" agreement with her, though, and that's disturbing. But she thinks we "have a chance" so I'm working from there and will take it slowly if I have to.Thanks for the feedback, though!I sincerely hope that hollyberry comes back and keeps us (and her H) posted on how she's doing.

Holly,On another thread another MBer mentioned that if she could work "magic" and go back in time to her relationship prior to her husband's affair; she would shake both herself and her H so that they could have saved themselves the pain-pain-pain-pain-pain caused as a result of his A. I wish my H would post here to tell other potential WS what a mistake it is to have an H. His pain and my pain are not worth it.

Do what it takes to get your H's attention BEFORE you have the A ---before it's too late. Read the basic concepts on this website and get ASAP Surviving An Affair. You can learn how you protect yourself from having an affair. Get honest with your husband. It will hurt him to hear you are even close to having an affair; but that will be nothing compared to the pain you are saving both he and you; should you take the "easy" way out and go ahead with the A.
Good Luck CSue

Hi Holly, <blockquote>quote:<hr>Written by Holly:
Good friends of mine are seperating and the H and I have become close. Too close some would say. My H and I have problems, major problems and no matter how often I try to talk to him about them, he either clams up and doesn't speak or gets so angry that one of us ends up leaving (the room, the house). We seem to lead such radically different lives lately. <hr></blockquote>Now do you think there is a remote chance since the problems (communication) between you and H have worsened lately, that it very well may have something to do with the fact you are involved (close) and sharing communication (which belongs to your H) with this MM?Don't you see how they could be related?Jo

Me again Holly.I don't know if anyone welcomed you, but Welcome to Marriage Builders. I'm glad you came here ... I know we can help you.If you still love your H and think there is hope to make a new marriage with him (which I know there is), I would suggest you print out the emotional needs questionaire, and both of you fill it out. My guess is neither you or your H have been meeting one anothers needs in a very long time, and you both have very low love bank balances. My intention isn't to downplay the seriousness of your situation, but truth be known, this is how you both got here. UNMET NEEDS. And because of the low balances in both your love banks, it could just as well been your H that is contemplating an A. Your task is to protect your marriage from anyone invading what belongs to only you and husband. And since you, and not your H, came here, I would say it's you that should start the ball rolling. The emotional needs questionare is on this website. I don't have the link handy at the moment, but I bet someone that does will post it on this thread for you. Jo

HOLLY,
DON'T DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I HAD 2 AFFAIRS #1 02/00 WITH MY H BESTFRIEND,THIS ONE WAS EMOTIONAL AS WELL AS SEXUAL,#2 5/01 MET ON INTERNET EMOTIONAL ONLY.YOU CAN'T IMAGINE THE HELL IT WILL BRING I PROMISE. AND THEIR IS A REASON (YOUR FRIEND'S MARRIAGE IS FALLING APART)HE HAS SOME ISSUES. LET YOUR HUSBAND READ THIS FORUM. IT WILL HELP. GRAB A BIBLE AND READ PROVERBS,(THIS IS A GUIDE FOR A MARRIED LIFE, I WISH I WOULD HAVE FOUND IT SOONER. YOU HAVE TO MAKE YOUR OWN DECISIONS BUT READ SOME OF THE PAIN AND SUFFERING THAT AFFAIRS BRING,THERE ARE MANY REAL LIFE STORIES IN HERE. STAY WITH US. I THINK HAD I FOUND THIS SITE 3 YEARS AGO I WOULD HAVE NEVER DONE WHAT I DID,TO MY HUSBAND AND CHILDREN AND ALL AROUND US.
ME-27
HUSBAND-36
CHILDREN-GIRL-10/GIRL-7/BOY-4
MARRIED 1/95
#1-O2/00 LASTED 2 MONTHS PHONE CALLS LASTED 2 YEARS
#2-05/01 LASTED ON AND OFF 9 MONTHS NO CONTACT SINCE 02/02 AT ALLWRITE US BACK LET US KNOW HOW THINGS ARE GOING, GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR MARRIAGE
DAWN

o2bsane.........good advice. I heard you.

I'm confused....you have one post about wanting to have an affair and another about wanting to have a baby! What's up? Please don't bring a baby into an unhealthy marriage.

vernon3,I went back to re-read what you said after I posted yesterday and I worried that you might take my comments personally. I really do know how hard this stuff is when you're dealing with an uncaring spouse. And I didn't mean to be disrespectful - I know you've been working a long time at this, and anyone who works at a relationship has my respect.I really do hope your H "gets it", and soon. I hope you can get the marriage you want, and personally I think that the MB principles are the best method around for healing damaged relationshiops. It's a pretty simple approach, really, but often people make the mistake of thinking that Plan A is all about influenceing a WS. That's a great thing if it happens to work out, but Plan A is much more about making you an attractive alternative. Maybe if Resilient comes back she could bring up the "Misapplication of Plan A" thread. NSR used to have a really great collection of "Notable Posts" too, and there was some good stuff on Plan A there.Finally, I'd like to nominate this <blockquote>quote:<hr>I know that having an affair is so bad for a relationship...<hr></blockquote>for consideration in the "Understatement of the Month" contest.

The issues that you have with your husband should not be used as a justification to have an affair. If you are not happy with your husband than do the honourable thing and divorce him. He does not deserve to be punished by you lying and cheating behind his back because of disagreements that you have with him. If both of you have different goals in life and see marriage differently than divorce may be a valid option. To thyself be true.

Hi and thanks so much for all your kind words and support. I did talk to my husband and we talked for hours last night. There were a lot of tears and angry words. In the end, we promised to try so much harder to work at our relationship since it does mean so much. I am searching for the books that were recommended and will begin reading them as soon as I have them in my hands. My husband doesn't think we need conselling or to take any questionaire. His reasoning for not doind either is because he doesn't want to fight about such things. Talking to him made me feel better and we discussed the OM very briefly. My H knows the OM and I are good friends, but seeing the OM is out of the question for now, since we are collegues. Guess it makes it hard to be away from the Man who could put a nasty kink into my life. I have held back from this man, and it has been real hard. I know he is giving me the EN that I am not receiving at home. My H and I thought for awhile about things we have in common (nothing) and things we used to have in common (lots). Things have changed alot between when I first met my H and now. Don't they always change? But we are going to look into some new activites that might interest both of us and take it from there. Yes Maggie, I do still want a baby, it yearns for me daily. I know bringing a baby into an unhealthy marriage is the wrong thing to do (I see teenage parents who struggle with it daily), but I pride myself on being fairly intelligent and once my husband knew of any pregnancy, that we could get help and focus attention on each other and lean on each other instead of someone else. Sounds dumb, I know, but there is a real though behind that. Having an affair with this OM, would not give me the baby I so desire, and my H would know that any baby right now would not be his. We haven't been together in a while, and he is smart enough to put two and two together.
So I am still struggling through this, but I cherish all your advice and support. Please keep giving me advice, since my H will not participate in any questionaires or counselling. Do any of you have a way that I can convince H to go to counselling?

Holly, I am not the most experienced at this and I am sure others can give you great advice!I would like to say that you've taken the biggest step in having that talk with your H. You probably know this but you can't "make him" do anything and you can't change him either; only yourself.Get His Needs/Her Needs and Surviving An Affair. You'll be able to see what it is that you need to do to make changes in you. Any changes you make always have a ripple effect on others close to you. He may get more interested in what you are doing when he sees the positive results from what you're learning. You've been very courageous!!
Bless you! CSue

holly:"My husband doesn't think we need conselling or to take any questionaire. His reasoning for not doind either is because he doesn't want to fight about such things. "Famous last words!!!! Tell your H, please, that this is the EXACT same attitude that I had when my W started her first A 12 years ago. It'd be a lot better if he hunkered down NOW and dealt with these things with you rather than let you two continue to grow apart until something awful happened (like one of you having an A). Marriages require maintenance to remain fulfilling and "compete" with the excitement of a fantasy person.Do YOURSELF a favor and never see your OM again. I know this sounds hard and maybe even seem impossible, but it's got to be easier than dealing with the pain of getting involved with him.Take care, and GOOD FOR YOU for talking to your H about this very difficult subject for you.All my best,

Ditto to what 2long said!!! Hi 2long how's it going?

Want it back and vernon3,I should have made it clear that the whiners I had in mind were the ones I have seen on talk shows so many times who always seem to lament that they tried and tried to tell the spouse how unhappy they were, but they were never straightforward enough to tell the WHOLE truth as Holly has done. Most of us posting here have achieved some level of personal insight or else we wouldn't be here looking for answers, so I do recognize that about my fellow posters. Just had that image in my head from the last talk show I saw.
[img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] I share your dismay, vernon3, as I've been trying to educate my H about my ENs for nearly 11 years now, and the essence of his stance is that I shouldn't HAVE the needs I have. He would argue why it was wrong for me to feel the way I felt. His position is that *I* need to adjust my needs to fit what he is willing to give and my feelings to be happy with whatever he does. Not only was this absolutely unsatisfying so that I felt unloved throughout most of the M, but then he proceeds to compound it by having an A.The way I have dealt with this is pretty much as o2bsane outlines with Plan A, and I have also found The Divorce Remedy helpful for new ideas in getting through to my H. Also, I've switched my focus from trying to educate him about my ENs and/or defending them and my feelings, and I communicate more about the RESULTS of his failure to meet my ENs and/or avoid LBs.I keep him apprised of the balance of his account in my Love Bank and what happens when it's empty. I am very matter of fact about it because I'm so used to seeing the inevitability of it from reading this forum. For example: "When A happened, my feelings for you deteriorated quite a bit and are now very close to the danger zone." Or, "When B happened, it resulted in a HUGE deposit in my Love Bank, and I am feeling very loving towards you right now." "I just cannot be in a M where I don't feel safe and protected." I just share the facts. What he does about them is his choice, but I feel I am meeting my obligation to communicate with him what he needs to know about the status of the M.Holly,The reason for the counseling and the questionnaires is so that you and your H can learn how NOT to fight about such things--that is the purpose of them. Hopefully you can find a way to convey that to him.At the top of this page is a link, "Q&A", which leads to Dr. Harley's Question and Answer columns. In the "How to Survive Infidelity" section, Dr. Harley answers a letter from a woman in a situation much like yours, except she is attracted to her H's best friend. I think Dr. Harley's advice to her would be very beneficial for you as well.Also, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE understand that a baby WILL NOT draw you and your H closer together, especially when you have pathology in the M currently. Babies tend to have the opposite effect EVEN on very healthy marriages because of the added time away from one-on-one quality time and added stress of meeting the child's needs. Better to have all the M ducks in a nice straight row first, or everything will just go from bad to worse. Dr. Harley discusses this issue on this website as well. Please read what he has to say about it.We have all learned these lessons the hard way. Learn from our mistakes. I don't think anyone here has had more babies than I have; I love having them and I understand the desire, but there is no doubt of the burden they add when trying to build an affair-proof M. Affair-proof FIRST, then baby.[ May 30, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]

thanks congueror, I tried, I really did. Even though, the full blame still lies with me, though I don't whine about it. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

[ May 31, 2002: Message edited by: want it back ]

Hi,
When you are unhappy it is easy to want to find someone else to fill the needs that are not being met. However, in doing so, it will cause more pain than the unhappiness did. If you told your H, about the feelings you are having for this other person, what do you think his reaction will be? Will he wake up and realize that there are issues here or will he see this as a betrayal? Can you cut back on your social events so you have more time with your H. How important are these social events? More important than your M. Maybe he is angry that you are not home much and the social events you attend do not interest him. Do not start the A, but you need to find ways to have your needs filled. Good luck and stay strong -

o2bsane...I did take it personally, and that was a good thing. I didn't feel any disrespect at all, on the contrary....I felt that 2x4 that I desparately needed and I should have THANKED you.I just wanted you to know that someone was listening and what you said got thru the fog before it was too late.

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