My (long) story - help and advice appreciated - 11/06/02 12:40 AM
OK - my first post after a long time of lurking ;-)
firstly - thanks to all for the advice, knowledge and support I've gained from my lurking.
I hope perhaps some of you might be able to provide some thoughts on my situation. Apologies for the fact that this is a long post - guess I should have started before there was so much to say!
My wife and I have been married for 3 years, together for 6 next month. I fell in love with her vitality, her independence and her spirit of going after goals - flip side is she can (like all of us I guess) be insecure. We also love all of the same things, never argue unless we were drunk and I really thought it was going to be forever...
This time last year she went off on an extended sailing trip (she is self employed so can take time out to fulfil her goals). I had (didn't realise this until we earlier this year when we were already in trouble) never been able to fully support her in her goals - I would give her my acceptance for going away but never my support. This had (again realised in retrospect) led her into continually seeking new goals for me to approve and support. We then met up at Christmas time for what should have been the holiday of a lifetime with another couple (we had spoken every day on the phone) in the Caribbean but which became a large showdown and into which I stumbled not realising how much danger my marriage was in.
We have always been able to talk through issues without arguing and on the whole during the 3 week holiday managed this. During this time she went through the whole "I love you but am not (sure I'm) in love with you" etc etc. She was staying on for another week (I was going to be away with work) and a friend of hers she had met whilst sailing met up with her and the other couple for the week. Even before I left I was extremely scared / worried about how emotionally close they had become...
Wife gets home for a week before going away for an extended period working 7 days a week abroad - I guess in total she was home for about 14 days in the first 3 months of the year. Usually I would have flown out to meet her but she felt she needed space to think about what she wanted. I found out that the extra week in the middle she had told me she had to work now was in fact a lie to give her a week abroad thinking without the pressures of work. I was completely messed up during this period, imagining she was with the OM.She denied this (interestingly even after it had turned from an EA to a PA until just a few weeks ago when she admitted she had seen him for a day but nothing had happened).
When she finally got home we sat down and talked almost solid for a week. She wanted time out to work on herself, didn't want to work on the M, said she loved OM (still EA) but was not and didn't think she or he wanted more. We decided to seperate as the last thing we wanted was to end up arguing and hating each other. She then announced that she was going to go on holiday at the end of April with OM and his friends. Knowing my wife probably better than anyone else alive I knew that she is not worth backing into a corner so I told her I was very unhappy with this and that it was hurting me but that if that was what she was going to do she would do it whatever and that whatever happened I would still love her.
Whilst she was away my father died (had been ill for a few months) so the funeral was a couple of days after her return. By this stage I already knew it had progressed to a PA having found condoms in her bag - which we don't use. We ended up spending about three hours sitting outside in the sun after my dad's funeral talking very calmly though emotionally (no LB from me as I was too worn out) about our R and her A - her apoligising for hurting me, all the usual stuff, that she didn't know if it would work out etc.
OM lives on another continent, is 11 yrs her junior but (unfortunately for me) is a very kind, caring and loving person - I know this first hand as i had spent a bit of time with him on holiday.
So I had decided to move out as I had already spent a lot of time in our house alone but it took until August for the right place to come up. I plan A'd like mad and on the whole we had a great time - tried not to talk too much about her A even though she was still talking to OM on the phone every day whilst I was out and via email.
They met up for another week whilst he was on business and had a very tough time - my WW unsure if she should be trying to work on our M or not etc etc.
Even after I moved out (just 10 mins away) we have spent a lot of time together and probably have a far more equal R in all other terms (financially etc) than we ever had in the M. I always tried to be a provider (and still do sometimes) when in fact my W's earning potential is far greater than mine at present. Given the extra constraints she has been working hard on getting more business and as I benefit financially I was helping her out - the first time we have really worked together. It went really well and I felt that perhaps we were at least establishing something between us. I have often stayed over and she has stayed at my new place.
Then OM turns up in the country for a few weeks - well that was a bit of a heart stab for me - the thought of him in what had been our house etc. But I knew it would be eually difficult for WW and OM - photos of me, us, cards etc of our life are all over the house... and so it proved they couldn't cope with being in the house and so took off for 8 days holiday. He then went back from whence he came.
Interestingly only some friends know that we are seperated - and those that do say that seeing us together you would never know that we were. She has told only a very few friends and her sister about OM. I don't want to as for her this would be a big LB and besides she can't expect her new R to last forever if she keeps him locked in a cupboard so I prefer to let her 'not' tell anyone if that is what she wants - she has never asked me not to tell anyone BTW but says it is up to me.
So finally on to questions.
I don't know whether I should continue plan Aing or whether I have become a doormat - I know that I often let the details of her feelings for OM get to me and I end up making her resent/despise me for this.
Her new R could go on for a long time before fizzling out as they don't see each other very often, only spend time together on holiday and via email, phone etc. WW knows this and sometimes says she should go and live with OM to find out once and for all if he is what she wants or not. I don't know how much longer I can put up with the situation as it is. I know that I will always love her but I am not prepared to try again unless she is.
One large factor in our relationship deteriorating is that for 3 years we have been trying unsuccesfully to have children. WW is desperate for children - she even admitted recently that despite not wanting them unless she was in a comitted R she had been thinking wildly about just trying to get pregnant by OM and not telling him. I feel hugely frustrated that all the time we are wasting when we could be trying more. Her response to this (it is a bit of an LB so I don't mention it unless she does) is that we obviously can't so what's the point. She has interestingly not wanted SR since the EA started though we often share a bed and had a good open SR before.
So what to do. We are going on holiday together over Christmas and she says she really wants to go (as do I) as she loves spending time with me and can't imagine a life without me as part of it. But she is confused as she wants me and OM to be happy and he's not happy when she spends time with me and I'm not happy when she spends time with him.
Should I plan on going to plan B if after Xmas nothing has changed? I am hugely worried that this would push her into his arms - she has mainly jumped from 1 R to another and this is the first time in many years that she has acually lived on her own.
I love my wife completely and have so much more I want to achieve with her - and so it seems does she in reverse but... until / unless the PA dies I know that we can't (and she wouldn't) even consider working on our R. So how do I manage to stay sane, not LB but not become an enabler to her A?
Phew - enough and thanks if you have even made it this far. I'm sure I;ve left out loads but there we go!
What will be will be...
firstly - thanks to all for the advice, knowledge and support I've gained from my lurking.
I hope perhaps some of you might be able to provide some thoughts on my situation. Apologies for the fact that this is a long post - guess I should have started before there was so much to say!
My wife and I have been married for 3 years, together for 6 next month. I fell in love with her vitality, her independence and her spirit of going after goals - flip side is she can (like all of us I guess) be insecure. We also love all of the same things, never argue unless we were drunk and I really thought it was going to be forever...
This time last year she went off on an extended sailing trip (she is self employed so can take time out to fulfil her goals). I had (didn't realise this until we earlier this year when we were already in trouble) never been able to fully support her in her goals - I would give her my acceptance for going away but never my support. This had (again realised in retrospect) led her into continually seeking new goals for me to approve and support. We then met up at Christmas time for what should have been the holiday of a lifetime with another couple (we had spoken every day on the phone) in the Caribbean but which became a large showdown and into which I stumbled not realising how much danger my marriage was in.
We have always been able to talk through issues without arguing and on the whole during the 3 week holiday managed this. During this time she went through the whole "I love you but am not (sure I'm) in love with you" etc etc. She was staying on for another week (I was going to be away with work) and a friend of hers she had met whilst sailing met up with her and the other couple for the week. Even before I left I was extremely scared / worried about how emotionally close they had become...
Wife gets home for a week before going away for an extended period working 7 days a week abroad - I guess in total she was home for about 14 days in the first 3 months of the year. Usually I would have flown out to meet her but she felt she needed space to think about what she wanted. I found out that the extra week in the middle she had told me she had to work now was in fact a lie to give her a week abroad thinking without the pressures of work. I was completely messed up during this period, imagining she was with the OM.She denied this (interestingly even after it had turned from an EA to a PA until just a few weeks ago when she admitted she had seen him for a day but nothing had happened).
When she finally got home we sat down and talked almost solid for a week. She wanted time out to work on herself, didn't want to work on the M, said she loved OM (still EA) but was not and didn't think she or he wanted more. We decided to seperate as the last thing we wanted was to end up arguing and hating each other. She then announced that she was going to go on holiday at the end of April with OM and his friends. Knowing my wife probably better than anyone else alive I knew that she is not worth backing into a corner so I told her I was very unhappy with this and that it was hurting me but that if that was what she was going to do she would do it whatever and that whatever happened I would still love her.
Whilst she was away my father died (had been ill for a few months) so the funeral was a couple of days after her return. By this stage I already knew it had progressed to a PA having found condoms in her bag - which we don't use. We ended up spending about three hours sitting outside in the sun after my dad's funeral talking very calmly though emotionally (no LB from me as I was too worn out) about our R and her A - her apoligising for hurting me, all the usual stuff, that she didn't know if it would work out etc.
OM lives on another continent, is 11 yrs her junior but (unfortunately for me) is a very kind, caring and loving person - I know this first hand as i had spent a bit of time with him on holiday.
So I had decided to move out as I had already spent a lot of time in our house alone but it took until August for the right place to come up. I plan A'd like mad and on the whole we had a great time - tried not to talk too much about her A even though she was still talking to OM on the phone every day whilst I was out and via email.
They met up for another week whilst he was on business and had a very tough time - my WW unsure if she should be trying to work on our M or not etc etc.
Even after I moved out (just 10 mins away) we have spent a lot of time together and probably have a far more equal R in all other terms (financially etc) than we ever had in the M. I always tried to be a provider (and still do sometimes) when in fact my W's earning potential is far greater than mine at present. Given the extra constraints she has been working hard on getting more business and as I benefit financially I was helping her out - the first time we have really worked together. It went really well and I felt that perhaps we were at least establishing something between us. I have often stayed over and she has stayed at my new place.
Then OM turns up in the country for a few weeks - well that was a bit of a heart stab for me - the thought of him in what had been our house etc. But I knew it would be eually difficult for WW and OM - photos of me, us, cards etc of our life are all over the house... and so it proved they couldn't cope with being in the house and so took off for 8 days holiday. He then went back from whence he came.
Interestingly only some friends know that we are seperated - and those that do say that seeing us together you would never know that we were. She has told only a very few friends and her sister about OM. I don't want to as for her this would be a big LB and besides she can't expect her new R to last forever if she keeps him locked in a cupboard so I prefer to let her 'not' tell anyone if that is what she wants - she has never asked me not to tell anyone BTW but says it is up to me.
So finally on to questions.
I don't know whether I should continue plan Aing or whether I have become a doormat - I know that I often let the details of her feelings for OM get to me and I end up making her resent/despise me for this.
Her new R could go on for a long time before fizzling out as they don't see each other very often, only spend time together on holiday and via email, phone etc. WW knows this and sometimes says she should go and live with OM to find out once and for all if he is what she wants or not. I don't know how much longer I can put up with the situation as it is. I know that I will always love her but I am not prepared to try again unless she is.
One large factor in our relationship deteriorating is that for 3 years we have been trying unsuccesfully to have children. WW is desperate for children - she even admitted recently that despite not wanting them unless she was in a comitted R she had been thinking wildly about just trying to get pregnant by OM and not telling him. I feel hugely frustrated that all the time we are wasting when we could be trying more. Her response to this (it is a bit of an LB so I don't mention it unless she does) is that we obviously can't so what's the point. She has interestingly not wanted SR since the EA started though we often share a bed and had a good open SR before.
So what to do. We are going on holiday together over Christmas and she says she really wants to go (as do I) as she loves spending time with me and can't imagine a life without me as part of it. But she is confused as she wants me and OM to be happy and he's not happy when she spends time with me and I'm not happy when she spends time with him.
Should I plan on going to plan B if after Xmas nothing has changed? I am hugely worried that this would push her into his arms - she has mainly jumped from 1 R to another and this is the first time in many years that she has acually lived on her own.
I love my wife completely and have so much more I want to achieve with her - and so it seems does she in reverse but... until / unless the PA dies I know that we can't (and she wouldn't) even consider working on our R. So how do I manage to stay sane, not LB but not become an enabler to her A?
Phew - enough and thanks if you have even made it this far. I'm sure I;ve left out loads but there we go!
What will be will be...