Hi Blue,
sorry for taking so long to reply. I read your post over and over again because I didn't want to give you a "quick" reply.
It sounds good that you are not begging and nagging and and and. It also sounds good that your WS(wondering spouse) calls YOU and not the other way around. This means there definately is an attachment between the two of you.
I'd advise you to get yourself the book: His Needs, Her Needs. This book makes alot of sence about what is going around.
Emotional comfort as far as I'm concerned shouldn't be mistaken for love. It feels good, yes............but in his situation, he's craving for all the "Emotionsl Comfort" he can get, just to make himself feel better for what he is doing.
He knows that having an affair is NOT right. He knows it and he feels guilt and shame. So of course on the other side, it makes him feel good when OW gives him the impression that he's a great guy. I don't think that anyone else would offer him this kind of support with the knowledge that he has a wife and a little child.
but that he cannot see himself leaving me for her for the simple fact of the families, her family (children, etc) is not his.
I remember in our situation right after d-d, my husband talked with someone professional and he told her the same thing.
This woman set 5 bottles on the table, each resembling one of us. Me, my husband, our 2 children and OW.
She set 3 bottles up that resembled me and our 2 children in the middle. On each side of "us" she set 1 bottle that resembled my husband and 1 bottle that resembled OW.
She then asked him what was stopping him to go over to OW???
Each time he wanted to move "his" bottle over to OW........he couldn't. He told her it was either, his son that was stopping him, then it was his daughter, and then it was "me". He just couldn't make that move.............
She told him what it was that he wanted??? If it was as great as he believed it was, it wouldn't be that difficult.
This talk really had an affect on him............He realized that he couldn't just leave us because there were just too many emotions between us all and that the emotions he felt for OW, were not as strong as he believed they were.
There wasn't anything that really attached him with OW......well at least not something that he couldn't/never had in our marriage.
If you've read alot here in MBers, you will see that affairs are like an addiction. The body chemicals react and the body produces hormones that make the affairees feel great when they see each other. They can't explain what is going on...........it just feels fantastic and they can't seem to get enough of it. It's highly attractive because the feel great about each other, no matter how dreadfull the things are they are doing.
This cycle is difficult to break, if you're not aware of it. This is where you can hop in. You stay pleasent. You Plan A.........no pressure, no discussions, no begging, no controlling and and and........this will not make sence in the eyes of the WS because they feel that OP is wonderfull and the love of their lives. They have convinced themselves that only the OP is this way and the spouse in no where near to this behaviour.
They've taken the step to have an affair and they've convinced themselves that they are doing the right thing and the OP person convinces them of nothing else. Reality is not involved in an affair.
No daily chores, no resposibility, no problems, no nagging, no dirty diapers, no finances..............
It's now up to you to really stay strong and to stand up for what you believe in.
If he wants to come home, he's got homework to do.
I'd for sure make a Plan. (the following is only an example)
-NO contact letter to OW
-counceling
-complete honesty & openness
-his life is going to have to be an "open Book"
and whatever you can think of......................
If he is NOT willing to do this, then it's time for you to put you foot down...............
I wouldn't let him move back home for any less...........
Make sure to take the best care of yourself!!!!!!Pamper yourself and let him see what he is truely "missing out on"!!!!!
bb