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Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 13
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Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 13
I asked my husband to leave 4mos ago, he was stating that he wasn't happy. Tried to work things out, but I couldn't handle the emotional toll it took on me. I just found out he started an affair with one of his close friends who is also married/separated a month ago. What do I do? He's not willing to stop seeing her, says its a comfort, but he doesn't want to lose me either, we have a 2 year old daughter. Should I completely cut off contact for now until he makes a decision? I don't want a divorce.

Joined: Sep 2006
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Hello Blue,

Its so sad to know so many people, including myself, are in such a bad place, I never dreamed I would be and I'm sure you didnt either.

Have you two worked on your marriage through counseling, reading, learning about relationships?

Can you expand on your history? Years married? years dating? Religious beliefs?

2LLP


BS(me)-41
FWS(wife)-39
D-11
D-13
S-15
Dday-1 10/05/05
Dday-2 06/02/06
Dday-3 07/14/06
Married - 17 years, together 23
My story - http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rt=1&PHPSESSID=
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 13
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I posted my situation in general info you can look in there if you like to see more of what others have said.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/showthreaded.php?Number=3122557


I am more than willing to go through my situation again though in full detail. We dated for a year, got married, been married 3 years, we had our anniversary this month. We have a 2 year old daughter. I was raised up in a Christian home, he was raised up with no beliefs but was open to the idea. He refused consueling from day 1, I've been doing so much reading and research I should be an expert by now.

We had a really good relationship, very care free in the begining. He plays softball, he's very good and goes out of town on tournments, I always went with him to suppport him. After our child came, my priorities changed, I couldn't see myself going out of town with a brand new baby, and he didn't stop going. This is where my resentment started. I did expect a change in him, he was a father now, he loved his child, but it was like a toy to him, when he was done with her, he would 'put her away', or give her back to me. Nothing changed in his life, he continued in his carefree ways, and I began to complain that I wanted my husband around to help me. He complained that I wasn't going with him. The one time I gave in and went to one of his tourneys, the baby and I got hit by a ball on a pop fly. It was horrible. I never went again.

After months living like this, me being the nagging wife and him just putting up with me and being irresponsible, I wanted to be happy, I knew that I had to make a choice. Either I was going to be happy with this man or without. I chose with. It seems as soon as I made that choice, is when he started pulling away from me. As I tried to reconnect with him, I stopped complaining, I didn't refuse him sex, I was pleasant ALL THE TIME. All he could do was move further and further away from me. Finally he told me that he wasn't in love with me anymore, that he didn't like the person I had become in the past and he was scared if that would happen again.
I tried to prove myself did everything I could, but I was living with a man that no longer had any feelings for me, wouldn't touch me, look at me, never came home at a decent hour. An affair never crossed my mind, he wasn't that type of man, so I thought. I finally asked him to leave in July. Hoping to scare him and he'd realize what he was doing, I followed my consuelor's advice on this.

Before the separtion, I became friends with one of his friends, Cassey. She is married with children, one from her step father, yes I said step father. She was molested by him when she was 11 and got pregnant. She kept her child. She married at 19 and bore a son with her husband. My husband has known her since she was 15. I never thought her a threat, I figured she looked at my husband as a brother because of her past.
We bbq'ed, went out of town, did alot together. I thought it was healthy to be doing family activities with another family. I found out that she wasn't happy in her marriage. She separated from her husband in April. We remained friends. In Aug we were out and she had been drinking heavily, I offered her a ride home and she refused. I got a phone call later that night that she had been in an accident. Her girlfriend had been ejected out of the car, lost her arm, and had major head trauma. Well this pretty ended the friendship for me.
To the affair, my husband becomes her savior, I guess during the period is when the actual physical affair started. The emotional part started Nov of 2005. Since I had stopped going to his tourney's she started going. She replace me. He found comfort in her and it developed from there. I found out last Wednesday, he admitted it, and now I'm trying to figure out what to do. I don't want a divorce, I love my husband. I know that I have my part in all of this happening, I made mistakes, but I want to get my husband back. I just need to figure out the best approach. I'm not giving up.

Joined: Jan 2002
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blueyezx2,

I can see where you are and I can understand you completely.
I'm sorry for the pain and confusion you are going through.

I cannot see the affair lasting forever............doesn't sound like something, he's going to enjoy very long.......

What came into my mind when I read your story was the following...........

I'd back off completely. If he contacts you, I'd try to keep things calm and loving but otherwise, I'd distant myself as much as possible.
I wouldn't react needy, nor would I beg him to come home. I'll make it clear to him that I will NOT accept another person in my marriage.

I don't know how old you are and how old your husband is but he doen't sound very old.........he sounds very unresponsible and as if he cannot cope with life responsibilities. It's normal that a child changes ones life.

I'm not saying that "fun time" has to stop but it's extrememly self-centered from his side to go on as if he is not responsible for his child.

I myself experienced this in my marriage. I tried my best to keep all responsibilites away from my husbnad so that he could go on with his life and enjoy his "fun time". I gave up alot and within the years, I felt angry about this.

His behaviour was also extemely unresponsible and very self-centered. But he saw this as normal............

Even if you don't feel that you are doing the right thing.........stand up for yourself and what you really want. You want a father for your child and he is to take over responsibility. If he feels that this is wrong.......then let him go.
There is always a possibility to find a compromise for this situation.

It's a matter of acting mature! It's a matter of communicating with one another. Take the time and think about what you really want and make a plan.

You are the strong one in your relationship right now, even if you might not think you are. He is the one that has taken the wrong direction.

No matter what you decide to do, stay calm and loving and set your boundaries. Your child needs you more than anything and your child needs someone that knows the right direction to depend upon.

You might also want to talk to someone "professional" about your situation. You need all the help possible to stay strong in your situation. Remember, "You" are the most important person right now and you need to stay strong for your child.

Don't educate your husband, it will be NO help, at least not now............he's in the fog and he doesn't see the things as they are.
Don't be so hard on yourself............we all make mistakes and the stress with a little child doesn't make things better.

hugs
bb


Me-46yo + Husband-49yo
Met 1975/ Married 1980
H had 3 month affair/D-d January 2001
Grandparents since Dec.2005
Recovered and moving on and we're looking forward to the years ahead!
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The one thing that I've stayed strong with is NOT BEGGING for him to come home Thank goodness. My pride won't let me. He calls me, I never call him, ever. He calls every day now, since I found out about the A. He states that he wants to come home, but is trying to 'deal' with her. Apparently she doesn't want him to go home, duh! He states that he is not in love with her, he found emotional comfort with her (isn't that love?) but that he cannot see himself leaving me for her for the simple fact of the families, her family (children, etc) is not his. Of course I believe about 50% of everything he tells me, but hey it's nice to hope, right? Plus she's still going through court hearing due to her felony DUI charges. Who knows what the future has in store for her, most likely a lot of jail time.

I am trying to be as pleasant as I can be with him, I don't hag or whine or ask anymore questions. He knows where I stand with all of this, so I'm just waiting to see if he makes a move.. home. It's only been a week and I feel like I'm pretty cool, calm, and collected.. well as well as to be expected. As a mother, you're like a robot, you just have to function, no matter what. You're child depends on you. Thank god for Wellbutrin and Xanax! I never thought I'd be a pill popper but I need to stay sane.

Oh, BTW I'm 29, my H is 30 going on 18. Both of our first M.

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Hi Blue,

sorry for taking so long to reply. I read your post over and over again because I didn't want to give you a "quick" reply.

It sounds good that you are not begging and nagging and and and. It also sounds good that your WS(wondering spouse) calls YOU and not the other way around. This means there definately is an attachment between the two of you.

I'd advise you to get yourself the book: His Needs, Her Needs. This book makes alot of sence about what is going around.
Emotional comfort as far as I'm concerned shouldn't be mistaken for love. It feels good, yes............but in his situation, he's craving for all the "Emotionsl Comfort" he can get, just to make himself feel better for what he is doing.

He knows that having an affair is NOT right. He knows it and he feels guilt and shame. So of course on the other side, it makes him feel good when OW gives him the impression that he's a great guy. I don't think that anyone else would offer him this kind of support with the knowledge that he has a wife and a little child.

Quote:

but that he cannot see himself leaving me for her for the simple fact of the families, her family (children, etc) is not his.




I remember in our situation right after d-d, my husband talked with someone professional and he told her the same thing.
This woman set 5 bottles on the table, each resembling one of us. Me, my husband, our 2 children and OW.

She set 3 bottles up that resembled me and our 2 children in the middle. On each side of "us" she set 1 bottle that resembled my husband and 1 bottle that resembled OW.

She then asked him what was stopping him to go over to OW???

Each time he wanted to move "his" bottle over to OW........he couldn't. He told her it was either, his son that was stopping him, then it was his daughter, and then it was "me". He just couldn't make that move.............

She told him what it was that he wanted??? If it was as great as he believed it was, it wouldn't be that difficult.
This talk really had an affect on him............He realized that he couldn't just leave us because there were just too many emotions between us all and that the emotions he felt for OW, were not as strong as he believed they were.

There wasn't anything that really attached him with OW......well at least not something that he couldn't/never had in our marriage.

If you've read alot here in MBers, you will see that affairs are like an addiction. The body chemicals react and the body produces hormones that make the affairees feel great when they see each other. They can't explain what is going on...........it just feels fantastic and they can't seem to get enough of it. It's highly attractive because the feel great about each other, no matter how dreadfull the things are they are doing.

This cycle is difficult to break, if you're not aware of it. This is where you can hop in. You stay pleasent. You Plan A.........no pressure, no discussions, no begging, no controlling and and and........this will not make sence in the eyes of the WS because they feel that OP is wonderfull and the love of their lives. They have convinced themselves that only the OP is this way and the spouse in no where near to this behaviour.

They've taken the step to have an affair and they've convinced themselves that they are doing the right thing and the OP person convinces them of nothing else. Reality is not involved in an affair.
No daily chores, no resposibility, no problems, no nagging, no dirty diapers, no finances..............

It's now up to you to really stay strong and to stand up for what you believe in.

If he wants to come home, he's got homework to do.
I'd for sure make a Plan. (the following is only an example)
-NO contact letter to OW
-counceling
-complete honesty & openness
-his life is going to have to be an "open Book"

and whatever you can think of......................

If he is NOT willing to do this, then it's time for you to put you foot down...............
I wouldn't let him move back home for any less...........

Make sure to take the best care of yourself!!!!!!Pamper yourself and let him see what he is truely "missing out on"!!!!!

bb


Me-46yo + Husband-49yo
Met 1975/ Married 1980
H had 3 month affair/D-d January 2001
Grandparents since Dec.2005
Recovered and moving on and we're looking forward to the years ahead!
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 13
B
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 13
I completely agree with you and everything you've wrote. I actually called the radio station yesterday and they are sending me His Needs Her Needs, so I am very excited to start reading it. What Dr Harley told me is basically the same thing I'm getting from everyone on the forum. It's so great to have this support.
They can't give up their family, no matter how they try to rationalize the affair, it doesn't work. The family will prevail in the end.
Funny thing, he's home now. Somehow, I have no idea how, but my doctor thinks I slipped a disc in my back. They put me on bed rest and it's about the most excruciciating pain I've ever experienced, it's right up there with child birth. When he found out, he dropped the OW like a hot potato. I couldn't believe it. He has been at my beckon call since Saturday. I feel like he's been abuducted by aliens, because it's like I've got my husband back, it's a bit un-nerving. I'm not sure how to take all of it, but I'm just taking it one day at a time, he's made those reassurances to me that's he's cut contact with her and he's home. So I don't know, I guess God works in mysterious ways, I've got a messed up back right now, and I have no feeling in my left leg, but for whatever reason, it got my husband home and to drop her. I just need to keep my eyes peeled, because I don't trust him and he knows that.
Since he's been home, even though he's made it clear that he cut contact with her, that B**** has been emailing him constantly, sending him pictures of OUR daughter, pictures of when they went to Vegas, all of this crap, just trying to either get a rise out of me, or trying to re-spark something with him. I know that we have a problem with her, because she isn't willing to cut contact, even though he 'wrote the break off email.' Her going to jail will be the best thing for both of us. I'm starting to think she's got a case of the "Hand that Rocks the Cradle" syndrome. Kind of scary. She's more interested in my child than her own, more interested in my life with my husband than her own. Almost obesessed. I'm glad that she's showing her true colors and he's seeing it. But regardless, I still have my guard up, she obviously did something for him, so just because she's acting crazy now doesn't mean he couldn't slip up again. So time will tell, but for now, as I'm laid up and he's taking care of me, I'm enjoying every minute of it. I'll be doing alot of reading during this time too, I've got quite a few Dr Harley books to read!


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