We are not seeing a counselor, he has not liked the two I found. I am seeing someone to just keep my sanity.
So here is your first boundary: either he agrees to talk to the Harley's once a week or you file for divorce.
Our boys, 31,27 and 25 have not been told. He wants to keep his "good name" with them.
Of course he does not want them to be told. But you must tell them, preferably together. If he does not agree, tell them anyway. Why? Because they already know and if you don't tell them, they will think he 'got away with it' and will repeat the mistakes of their father. Tell them the facts and stay away from adjectives of any kind. Tell your WH that if he lies to them he will damage his relationship with them for ever but if he is truthful, it will become stronger.
The other spouses have not been told although I know both of them. I feel they should be told.
Presume these are your children's spouses? There I think you have to defer to your children. I think you's should encourage them to be told but I do not think you can do this without your children's permission.
e had a call that lasted 6 minutes on his cell phone this week from "Unknown"
Yuk, that sounds really bad. You need to start snooping big time. That means keyloggers, gps, voice recorders, the lot. Go to the Spying 101 thread where you will get tons of ideas. Roll up your sleeves. And in the meantime, grab his cellphone when he is not looking and set it to refuse calls from unknown numbers. He will never notice. If it gets reset to accept them, you will know what you know.
After a one night A with a co-worker, I have recently found out that they still talk one or two times a month about her family, our family, etc. He does not understand that this also is betrayal. Why this woman needs to hear about my grandchildren, I don't know. It seems that the pain just does not stop for me.
No, and he won't understand because he is still in the fog. Without counseling, he will never understand and you will have a sad and bitter future with him. You owe yourself better than this.