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Joined: Feb 2008
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After 35 years of marriage, I have recently found out that my H has had 4 affairs in the last 13 years. Two one night stands, two of them with co-workers. One lady the A lasted a year, then they stopped for 15 months and went again for 2 years. He doesn't want me to tell our sons, the OP spouses, his family. He is concerned with his "good name" He promises to seek counseling but in four months, we have gone through two counselors. For various reasons, we can't see them anymore. I am devastrated. I need some sound advice. I read the book, HN, HN. It helped but I am still wondering why I have to carry all this and these women (both I know and have spoken to about the A) and my H get off scott free and I am asked to carry the burden and the pain. When I try to talk to him, he is defensive.
Please help.

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I think you are correct to expose to the OWHs. If the affairs are over no need to expose to your children or family.

Has WH been living transparent? Sharing passwords, texts, emails, cell phone bill, etc to verify NC?

Does he still work with the two coworkers? Then there still is contact. Post affair contact has been known countless times to cause an affair to restart. WH needs to find a new job or the both of them. It seems that it would be easier for him to quit than to geet the both of them to leave their jobs.

Were the OW neighbors? Suggest that you move. It is very important to maintain NC.

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Gracelady - no contact is a MUST and not to sound harsh but forget about his good name - is his good name more valuable than your feelings? The A's need to be exposed to the OWH's. You do not need to deal with the pain alone - find comfort here, with a counselor, a friend or a family member. He chose his actions because some of his needs were NOT being met BUT this does NOT excuse his behavior. I struggled with this very fact for a while. Until I realized that there were other options. Like talking to me and deciding what was best for BOTH of us not just him.

Please read Surviving an affair and start working the plans.

Keep posting.....stay strong, eat and try to get some sleep. You will need all the energy you can get.


hurtingbadly
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Quote:

He is concerned with his "good name"




I'm sorry, but people who are really concerned about their "good name" don't engage in serial adultery.


ManInMotion
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(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
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I don't want to hurt our sons, but I honesty believe the husbands deserve to know. There is a part of me that would feel better too know there had to face part of the pain. I am not being vengeful - but why stop doing this again if you never faced the consequences? I just am not sure how to go about telling the OWH's.
He no longer works with them but one of them works and lives in the town where he works, so I wonder sometimes if he is tempted. He came to me and told me - I was completely fooled for many years.

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I have read HN, HN and have read Surviving an Affair on this website but am still uncertain about what Plan A is all about. Can someone give me some simple guidelines or tell me where to find info?

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You are completely right. Instead of shielding him, I need to take care of myself. I am finding that playing your hand of cards is sometimes frightful, painful and confusing but what a wonderful delight to now be in the driver's seat as to how the rest of my life turns out.

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Hi Grace
I am married to a serial adulterer too. Let me tell you, it is hard hard hard to recover from. Maybe you can't. But why not give it a try if he is prepared to do the work?

In our case WH wants to recover, I think. This is key because a serial adulterer has to change his whole thinking. He or she is unlike a normal wayward.

A cautionary word for you; it is possible that your WH is still cheating, what concerns me is that he is defensive when you talk to him and has 'run through' two counselors.

So, as you have probably already learned from being around on this site and reading the plans, there are a number of steps to recovery. However, I don't think you can do this alone. I strongly suggest counseling with Jennifer or Steve Harley as a requirement for staying in your marriage. They are really good and only implement MB concepts so you will be on solid ground.

If your WH does not agree to this then I can't imagine you would want to waste any more of your life with him. Tell him this gently and firmly so that he understands you are drawing your boundary.

And I recommend you hop over to General Questions II as this is where most of the vets hang out. Link to this thread


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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Gracelady - I sorta did my own Plan A - if that makes sense - I did what I felt was right and became the wife that I should of been in the first place. Started meeting his EN's.

I exposed the A to the OWH - who after a couple converstaions knew it was going on - he thought it ended. Then I spoke with her. It was somewhat comforting to speak with her because she validated most of everything WH told me - plus filled me in on another detail that he needed to tell me. I exposed the A to my family - only source of comfort I had but not to his because he promised NO CONTACT - changed his cell number and started being transparent. Things are going fairly well. I still get blue and had a bad day two days ago - really bad, But we talked and talked.

He knows that if he has contact with her again - I am out the door. I give one do over and NO more. That is for my own preservation.

Do you have any updates?


hurtingbadly
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We are not seeing a counselor, he has not liked the two I found. I am seeing someone to just keep my sanity. Our boys, 31,27 and 25 have not been told. He wants to keep his "good name" with them. The other spouses have not been told although I know both of them. I feel they should be told.
He had a call that lasted 6 minutes on his cell phone this week from "Unknown" I was told by the phone company that someone purposely called him with a *67 before their number so that it would not show up. He swore that he did not have a caller and did not know who called him. He was pretty convincing but since he has been lying to me for 13 years, I guess he is good at it.
I am just getting by. Meanwhile, my children, my friends keep asking me what is wrong. I have been sworn to secrecy by my H. After a one night A with a co-worker, I have recently found out that they still talk one or two times a month about her family, our family, etc. He does not undertand that this also is betrayal. Why this woman needs to hear about my grandchildren, I don't know. It seems that the pain just does not stop for me.

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Quote:

We are not seeing a counselor, he has not liked the two I found. I am seeing someone to just keep my sanity.




So here is your first boundary: either he agrees to talk to the Harley's once a week or you file for divorce.

Quote:

Our boys, 31,27 and 25 have not been told. He wants to keep his "good name" with them.




Of course he does not want them to be told. But you must tell them, preferably together. If he does not agree, tell them anyway. Why? Because they already know and if you don't tell them, they will think he 'got away with it' and will repeat the mistakes of their father. Tell them the facts and stay away from adjectives of any kind. Tell your WH that if he lies to them he will damage his relationship with them for ever but if he is truthful, it will become stronger.

Quote:

The other spouses have not been told although I know both of them. I feel they should be told.




Presume these are your children's spouses? There I think you have to defer to your children. I think you's should encourage them to be told but I do not think you can do this without your children's permission.

Quote:

e had a call that lasted 6 minutes on his cell phone this week from "Unknown"




Yuk, that sounds really bad. You need to start snooping big time. That means keyloggers, gps, voice recorders, the lot. Go to the Spying 101 thread where you will get tons of ideas. Roll up your sleeves. And in the meantime, grab his cellphone when he is not looking and set it to refuse calls from unknown numbers. He will never notice. If it gets reset to accept them, you will know what you know.

Quote:

After a one night A with a co-worker, I have recently found out that they still talk one or two times a month about her family, our family, etc. He does not understand that this also is betrayal. Why this woman needs to hear about my grandchildren, I don't know. It seems that the pain just does not stop for me.




No, and he won't understand because he is still in the fog. Without counseling, he will never understand and you will have a sad and bitter future with him. You owe yourself better than this.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)

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