This is the only way you will win after you are betrayed - 02/29/08 04:38 PM
I have been reading these message boards for the last 6 mnths and I just don’t feel like there is anything out here that really provided me with what I was looking for to live through the worst disaster of my life. I want to lay out some ground rules for the BS to deal with the agony, disappointment, humiliation and loss of all self respect in them and their marriages!. This may hurt some people or may sound disrespectful to others, but this is the truth. In some crazy fashion this is the one thing that will provide u with hope as well, and help u rebuild urself emotionally, physically and mentally. Help u regain strength and power which will make u stronger than ur WS’s. And the day u become stronger than them, that is when u have won your life back, ur WS will be on their knees begging for help and the decision will be left to u whether u want this marriage and be married to some one like ur WH or WW. Trust me, all the things in this world cannot recreate this feeling.
Now for the hard and simple truth! There are no quick fixes. All this takes a lot of time and energy. But remember one thing, once this over (whether the marriage works or not) YOU will feel invincible!!!. And that is the most important thing!!!...whether you want to believe it or not at this moment of your long and arduous journey.
Stage 1: For the first 3 weeks or so there is nothing u can do but cry. Nothing anyone tells u is going to make u wake up from the worst nightmare of your life or help ease the pain or in any ways bring your WH or WW back to u. Absolutely nothing. Don’t believe anything anyone says to u. No one can understand the pain ur going through. No one!. I can assure you that the pain I felt, I can bet u anything that everyone here will say that they felt it more. But like everyone else I will disagree that that is impossible. You have to go through this emotion. You will feel like knives stabbing ur heart at every second, you will feel the pain of ur heart breaking piece by piece, you will hear all ur dreams getting shattered and ur WS laughing while slamming his or her foot on it. You will go back and forth with ur WS trying to talk to them but nothing will make sense. They will say things that will sound unbelievable, that will sound crazy, that will make u feel like the worst person in the world, that will make u feel like u had the worst marriage in the world. Everything will be crashing around u. U will feel like the past was just a dream. U dreamt everything while ur WS actually lived the cold hard truth. The WS lived through this miserable marriage while u were just coasting along trying ur best to take care of ur family and be as loving as possible. U will believe everything he or she will be saying and u will loose all self respect for urself. You will beg and plead for them to change or to come back to u. Nothing will work!!!.
Stage 2 starts the day u stop believing in God. It starts the day u really start doubting things that the WS has been saying. But this stage does not mean that ur ready yet. For me this was the toughest stage of it all. Becoz by this time you will have lost all hope in urself, ur marriage, ever having that perfect marriage, ever being really happy again. You will feel like ur life was a disaster and you will feel humiliated. But u cannot let go of the past or ur future. Ur WS will still be going back and forth with the other person and telling u how life was so miserable with u and how they feel connected with the op.
Stage 3 starts when YOU have lost all hope. This does not mean a divorce, or separation. This is not abt ur WS or ur marriage or ur kids!!...but when emotionally from the inside YOU feel completely hollow. Every emotion in YOU has been destroyed. U don’t care if your closest friend or ur father died. U will not feel anything. U will not feel hurt. Yes u will feel a loss, but by this time u have become emotionally detached from the world and everyone else’s pain and suffering. This is when ur ready to start playing the greatest “game” of your life. Now u r ready to regain ur sanity, ur self respect, and start rebuilding urself from the ground up to become more powerful than ur WS. This is when u need to pull out every ounce of energy left in ur reserves and start fighting a battle, remember its going to be the toughest thing ever becoz u r going to be fighting a war where u see no hope of winning at that moment.
Here are some rules to follow……
1. If ur WS is still in the house…start telling them when u will be going out or coming home. For eg. If ur going to work and u usually come home at 6, well then start coming home at 7. Also let them know that u will be home at 7. REMEMBER TO BE HOME at 7. Sit around for an hour without showing too much interest in the WS and then leave for another 2 hrs and let them know when u will be back. They will not ask u where ur going in the beginning but sooner or later they will. So either just tell them ur going to the gym or to a bar with some friends or something. An important point to remember is too be casual with the WS. Try to actually look happy (I know this will be hard). Don’t try to have a conversation unless they bring it up. And then just say “yes” or “ok” to everything they say. Remember one important thing. Seeing u all detached and happy will really make them angry and they might start conversations to press ur buttons.
2. Never ever start a conversation with WS about the affair no matter how much u want to.
3. If you want to cry, then cry when ur alone or with a friend.
4. Do not trust anyone but urself.
5. DONOT AT ALL GET ANGRY. BE CORDIAL.
6. If the WS does start a conversation abt the affair or about the future as they see it or abt the past then there are a few lines that u should always use. Trust me, these four lines will mess any WS. I cannot stress how important it is NOT TO MOVE AWAY from these 4 lines. And remember to say them in a VERY CASUAL MANNER!.
A:. you are an adult and u know whats right or wrong
B: I am doing fine
C : Lets see what happens
D : You do what u want to do and I’ll do what I want to do
There are four things ur accomplishing by doing all this…
the first is that you are showing them that u don’t really care abt them or what they do. So ur taking out the secrecy and the rush out of the affair. Ur actually giving them the opportunity to go be with their partner or talk to them when they want to (this is the hardest thing but remember one thing, whether u like it or not they will do it anyways. So why not leave the door open). Ur bringing it all in the open. Making them feel like this affair is work now rather than something exciting.
The second thing ur doing is actually starting to detach urself more and more from the WS and everything related to them. This is extremely important for u personally. This is what will help ease the pain and suffering and help u see a future where u have control.
The third thing ur accomplishing is not crying or talking too much infront of them. Ur not showing that ur weak. That is what the WS wants from u. He or she knows that ur weak and will want them no matter what they do becoz ur a weakling and they have the power to make whatever decision they want and whoever they want to be with. Staying away from them reduces ur chances of showing ur weakness. Ur starting to scare them now, that they don’t really have a decision to make. It is u who is now gaining control and can finish off this marriage now. Also an important thing to remember is that nobody is attracted to a weakling. Neither is ur WS. He or she is running away from u becoz they don’t want to be with a cry baby.
The fourth thing ur doing is actually showing them that ur running away from them. What was the best thing when u guys met. It was the chase!. Now that the WS has the OP, who is the one they need to chase?..It is u. You are already starting to make them feel insecure. Why are they still hanging around u? Its for stability and security…NOTHING ELSE!!. For them that’s what marriage is all about at that moment. They are getting their emotional highs from chasing someone else. Well ur showing them now that they need to start running after u or this is over for them.
Stage 4: U will still want to be in this marriage just becoz u r afraid of being alone. But this is when you will only go through pain and anger. There will be no love or respect left for ur WS. U will start realizing that ur not too blame for the affair. Yes u were part of the problems in the marriage but u had nothing to do with the affair. And if the spouse was so miserable in their marriage, well, why didn’t they just say so in the first place. It was their decision to cross the lines, to screw up their marriage and destroy everything. U had no role to play whatsoever. So why should u take the blame for it or even help them fix this. They need to work overtime to try to help u heal and somehow make this marriage work. U will actually start looking at them with …..no not with love or respect or care….but with pity!!!. That they are actually walking away from a great life and great and loving family, humiliating themselves, destroying all their self respect and pride. This is when u know that u have really started take control of yourself and hence of this marriage!!!!!. At this moment you will not care about ur marriage or your WS. All you will care about is urself and your own happiness.
Stage 5: This is when the WS out of desperation will threaten to leave or run off to the OP. And they will let u know just to show you that they are still strong. But the truth is that they realize that they have lost all power to make the decision. All of a sudden reality starts to set in. This is the when you will face the greatest test of your power and strength. You will be surprised at your own level of energy. But the reality is that at this moment u just don’t care. Yes u want ur marriage to continue just because ur a bit afraid but you know it in ur heart that you don’t really want to live in this kind of a marriage or with someone as heartless, insensitive and selfish. This I thought would be the hardest stage for me, but in the end I think it was easiest. Just because, by this time I had already moved on. I almost felt that my WS was closer to me than I was to her. She was more scared abt the future than I was. This is when u know that you have become invincible!!!.
From here onwards I don’t want to make any predictions but I can tell you that even if the WS runs off to the OP then it is only out of desperation. And that’s the biggest mistake they can ever make. But the chances of that happening are very low. They will only start realizing that leaving their “happy” marriage life will only lead to misery and more problems. Also I can guarantee u that by pushing them away to the OP, it makes the WS look less attractive to the OP. But remember no matter what happens, whether they stick around or they leave. It is YOU who have played them in the end.
At this moment Just think of all this in this way……
YOU are the one who took control,
YOU are the one who started pushing them away,
YOU are the one who emotionally detached yourself from the WS
YOU are the one who started leading a relatively normal life,
YOU are the one who has been who has learnt to live life again on ur own.
YOU are the one who is proud of ur marriage.
YOU are the one who went through a marriage with someone like this and still stayed loyal
YOU are the one who made this decision in ur marriage at this moment
YOU are the one who is in control of your marriage and your life.
YOU are the one who is free now!.
Now for the hard and simple truth! There are no quick fixes. All this takes a lot of time and energy. But remember one thing, once this over (whether the marriage works or not) YOU will feel invincible!!!. And that is the most important thing!!!...whether you want to believe it or not at this moment of your long and arduous journey.
Stage 1: For the first 3 weeks or so there is nothing u can do but cry. Nothing anyone tells u is going to make u wake up from the worst nightmare of your life or help ease the pain or in any ways bring your WH or WW back to u. Absolutely nothing. Don’t believe anything anyone says to u. No one can understand the pain ur going through. No one!. I can assure you that the pain I felt, I can bet u anything that everyone here will say that they felt it more. But like everyone else I will disagree that that is impossible. You have to go through this emotion. You will feel like knives stabbing ur heart at every second, you will feel the pain of ur heart breaking piece by piece, you will hear all ur dreams getting shattered and ur WS laughing while slamming his or her foot on it. You will go back and forth with ur WS trying to talk to them but nothing will make sense. They will say things that will sound unbelievable, that will sound crazy, that will make u feel like the worst person in the world, that will make u feel like u had the worst marriage in the world. Everything will be crashing around u. U will feel like the past was just a dream. U dreamt everything while ur WS actually lived the cold hard truth. The WS lived through this miserable marriage while u were just coasting along trying ur best to take care of ur family and be as loving as possible. U will believe everything he or she will be saying and u will loose all self respect for urself. You will beg and plead for them to change or to come back to u. Nothing will work!!!.
Stage 2 starts the day u stop believing in God. It starts the day u really start doubting things that the WS has been saying. But this stage does not mean that ur ready yet. For me this was the toughest stage of it all. Becoz by this time you will have lost all hope in urself, ur marriage, ever having that perfect marriage, ever being really happy again. You will feel like ur life was a disaster and you will feel humiliated. But u cannot let go of the past or ur future. Ur WS will still be going back and forth with the other person and telling u how life was so miserable with u and how they feel connected with the op.
Stage 3 starts when YOU have lost all hope. This does not mean a divorce, or separation. This is not abt ur WS or ur marriage or ur kids!!...but when emotionally from the inside YOU feel completely hollow. Every emotion in YOU has been destroyed. U don’t care if your closest friend or ur father died. U will not feel anything. U will not feel hurt. Yes u will feel a loss, but by this time u have become emotionally detached from the world and everyone else’s pain and suffering. This is when ur ready to start playing the greatest “game” of your life. Now u r ready to regain ur sanity, ur self respect, and start rebuilding urself from the ground up to become more powerful than ur WS. This is when u need to pull out every ounce of energy left in ur reserves and start fighting a battle, remember its going to be the toughest thing ever becoz u r going to be fighting a war where u see no hope of winning at that moment.
Here are some rules to follow……
1. If ur WS is still in the house…start telling them when u will be going out or coming home. For eg. If ur going to work and u usually come home at 6, well then start coming home at 7. Also let them know that u will be home at 7. REMEMBER TO BE HOME at 7. Sit around for an hour without showing too much interest in the WS and then leave for another 2 hrs and let them know when u will be back. They will not ask u where ur going in the beginning but sooner or later they will. So either just tell them ur going to the gym or to a bar with some friends or something. An important point to remember is too be casual with the WS. Try to actually look happy (I know this will be hard). Don’t try to have a conversation unless they bring it up. And then just say “yes” or “ok” to everything they say. Remember one important thing. Seeing u all detached and happy will really make them angry and they might start conversations to press ur buttons.
2. Never ever start a conversation with WS about the affair no matter how much u want to.
3. If you want to cry, then cry when ur alone or with a friend.
4. Do not trust anyone but urself.
5. DONOT AT ALL GET ANGRY. BE CORDIAL.
6. If the WS does start a conversation abt the affair or about the future as they see it or abt the past then there are a few lines that u should always use. Trust me, these four lines will mess any WS. I cannot stress how important it is NOT TO MOVE AWAY from these 4 lines. And remember to say them in a VERY CASUAL MANNER!.
A:. you are an adult and u know whats right or wrong
B: I am doing fine
C : Lets see what happens
D : You do what u want to do and I’ll do what I want to do
There are four things ur accomplishing by doing all this…
the first is that you are showing them that u don’t really care abt them or what they do. So ur taking out the secrecy and the rush out of the affair. Ur actually giving them the opportunity to go be with their partner or talk to them when they want to (this is the hardest thing but remember one thing, whether u like it or not they will do it anyways. So why not leave the door open). Ur bringing it all in the open. Making them feel like this affair is work now rather than something exciting.
The second thing ur doing is actually starting to detach urself more and more from the WS and everything related to them. This is extremely important for u personally. This is what will help ease the pain and suffering and help u see a future where u have control.
The third thing ur accomplishing is not crying or talking too much infront of them. Ur not showing that ur weak. That is what the WS wants from u. He or she knows that ur weak and will want them no matter what they do becoz ur a weakling and they have the power to make whatever decision they want and whoever they want to be with. Staying away from them reduces ur chances of showing ur weakness. Ur starting to scare them now, that they don’t really have a decision to make. It is u who is now gaining control and can finish off this marriage now. Also an important thing to remember is that nobody is attracted to a weakling. Neither is ur WS. He or she is running away from u becoz they don’t want to be with a cry baby.
The fourth thing ur doing is actually showing them that ur running away from them. What was the best thing when u guys met. It was the chase!. Now that the WS has the OP, who is the one they need to chase?..It is u. You are already starting to make them feel insecure. Why are they still hanging around u? Its for stability and security…NOTHING ELSE!!. For them that’s what marriage is all about at that moment. They are getting their emotional highs from chasing someone else. Well ur showing them now that they need to start running after u or this is over for them.
Stage 4: U will still want to be in this marriage just becoz u r afraid of being alone. But this is when you will only go through pain and anger. There will be no love or respect left for ur WS. U will start realizing that ur not too blame for the affair. Yes u were part of the problems in the marriage but u had nothing to do with the affair. And if the spouse was so miserable in their marriage, well, why didn’t they just say so in the first place. It was their decision to cross the lines, to screw up their marriage and destroy everything. U had no role to play whatsoever. So why should u take the blame for it or even help them fix this. They need to work overtime to try to help u heal and somehow make this marriage work. U will actually start looking at them with …..no not with love or respect or care….but with pity!!!. That they are actually walking away from a great life and great and loving family, humiliating themselves, destroying all their self respect and pride. This is when u know that u have really started take control of yourself and hence of this marriage!!!!!. At this moment you will not care about ur marriage or your WS. All you will care about is urself and your own happiness.
Stage 5: This is when the WS out of desperation will threaten to leave or run off to the OP. And they will let u know just to show you that they are still strong. But the truth is that they realize that they have lost all power to make the decision. All of a sudden reality starts to set in. This is the when you will face the greatest test of your power and strength. You will be surprised at your own level of energy. But the reality is that at this moment u just don’t care. Yes u want ur marriage to continue just because ur a bit afraid but you know it in ur heart that you don’t really want to live in this kind of a marriage or with someone as heartless, insensitive and selfish. This I thought would be the hardest stage for me, but in the end I think it was easiest. Just because, by this time I had already moved on. I almost felt that my WS was closer to me than I was to her. She was more scared abt the future than I was. This is when u know that you have become invincible!!!.
From here onwards I don’t want to make any predictions but I can tell you that even if the WS runs off to the OP then it is only out of desperation. And that’s the biggest mistake they can ever make. But the chances of that happening are very low. They will only start realizing that leaving their “happy” marriage life will only lead to misery and more problems. Also I can guarantee u that by pushing them away to the OP, it makes the WS look less attractive to the OP. But remember no matter what happens, whether they stick around or they leave. It is YOU who have played them in the end.
At this moment Just think of all this in this way……
YOU are the one who took control,
YOU are the one who started pushing them away,
YOU are the one who emotionally detached yourself from the WS
YOU are the one who started leading a relatively normal life,
YOU are the one who has been who has learnt to live life again on ur own.
YOU are the one who is proud of ur marriage.
YOU are the one who went through a marriage with someone like this and still stayed loyal
YOU are the one who made this decision in ur marriage at this moment
YOU are the one who is in control of your marriage and your life.
YOU are the one who is free now!.