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Slicked Offline OP
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I have been reading these message boards for the last 6 mnths and I just don’t feel like there is anything out here that really provided me with what I was looking for to live through the worst disaster of my life. I want to lay out some ground rules for the BS to deal with the agony, disappointment, humiliation and loss of all self respect in them and their marriages!. This may hurt some people or may sound disrespectful to others, but this is the truth. In some crazy fashion this is the one thing that will provide u with hope as well, and help u rebuild urself emotionally, physically and mentally. Help u regain strength and power which will make u stronger than ur WS’s. And the day u become stronger than them, that is when u have won your life back, ur WS will be on their knees begging for help and the decision will be left to u whether u want this marriage and be married to some one like ur WH or WW. Trust me, all the things in this world cannot recreate this feeling.


Now for the hard and simple truth! There are no quick fixes. All this takes a lot of time and energy. But remember one thing, once this over (whether the marriage works or not) YOU will feel invincible!!!. And that is the most important thing!!!...whether you want to believe it or not at this moment of your long and arduous journey.


Stage 1: For the first 3 weeks or so there is nothing u can do but cry. Nothing anyone tells u is going to make u wake up from the worst nightmare of your life or help ease the pain or in any ways bring your WH or WW back to u. Absolutely nothing. Don’t believe anything anyone says to u. No one can understand the pain ur going through. No one!. I can assure you that the pain I felt, I can bet u anything that everyone here will say that they felt it more. But like everyone else I will disagree that that is impossible. You have to go through this emotion. You will feel like knives stabbing ur heart at every second, you will feel the pain of ur heart breaking piece by piece, you will hear all ur dreams getting shattered and ur WS laughing while slamming his or her foot on it. You will go back and forth with ur WS trying to talk to them but nothing will make sense. They will say things that will sound unbelievable, that will sound crazy, that will make u feel like the worst person in the world, that will make u feel like u had the worst marriage in the world. Everything will be crashing around u. U will feel like the past was just a dream. U dreamt everything while ur WS actually lived the cold hard truth. The WS lived through this miserable marriage while u were just coasting along trying ur best to take care of ur family and be as loving as possible. U will believe everything he or she will be saying and u will loose all self respect for urself. You will beg and plead for them to change or to come back to u. Nothing will work!!!.


Stage 2 starts the day u stop believing in God. It starts the day u really start doubting things that the WS has been saying. But this stage does not mean that ur ready yet. For me this was the toughest stage of it all. Becoz by this time you will have lost all hope in urself, ur marriage, ever having that perfect marriage, ever being really happy again. You will feel like ur life was a disaster and you will feel humiliated. But u cannot let go of the past or ur future. Ur WS will still be going back and forth with the other person and telling u how life was so miserable with u and how they feel connected with the op.

Stage 3 starts when YOU have lost all hope. This does not mean a divorce, or separation. This is not abt ur WS or ur marriage or ur kids!!...but when emotionally from the inside YOU feel completely hollow. Every emotion in YOU has been destroyed. U don’t care if your closest friend or ur father died. U will not feel anything. U will not feel hurt. Yes u will feel a loss, but by this time u have become emotionally detached from the world and everyone else’s pain and suffering. This is when ur ready to start playing the greatest “game” of your life. Now u r ready to regain ur sanity, ur self respect, and start rebuilding urself from the ground up to become more powerful than ur WS. This is when u need to pull out every ounce of energy left in ur reserves and start fighting a battle, remember its going to be the toughest thing ever becoz u r going to be fighting a war where u see no hope of winning at that moment.






Here are some rules to follow……

1. If ur WS is still in the house…start telling them when u will be going out or coming home. For eg. If ur going to work and u usually come home at 6, well then start coming home at 7. Also let them know that u will be home at 7. REMEMBER TO BE HOME at 7. Sit around for an hour without showing too much interest in the WS and then leave for another 2 hrs and let them know when u will be back. They will not ask u where ur going in the beginning but sooner or later they will. So either just tell them ur going to the gym or to a bar with some friends or something. An important point to remember is too be casual with the WS. Try to actually look happy (I know this will be hard). Don’t try to have a conversation unless they bring it up. And then just say “yes” or “ok” to everything they say. Remember one important thing. Seeing u all detached and happy will really make them angry and they might start conversations to press ur buttons.
2. Never ever start a conversation with WS about the affair no matter how much u want to.
3. If you want to cry, then cry when ur alone or with a friend.
4. Do not trust anyone but urself.
5. DONOT AT ALL GET ANGRY. BE CORDIAL.
6. If the WS does start a conversation abt the affair or about the future as they see it or abt the past then there are a few lines that u should always use. Trust me, these four lines will mess any WS. I cannot stress how important it is NOT TO MOVE AWAY from these 4 lines. And remember to say them in a VERY CASUAL MANNER!.
A:. you are an adult and u know whats right or wrong
B: I am doing fine
C : Lets see what happens
D : You do what u want to do and I’ll do what I want to do

There are four things ur accomplishing by doing all this…

the first is that you are showing them that u don’t really care abt them or what they do. So ur taking out the secrecy and the rush out of the affair. Ur actually giving them the opportunity to go be with their partner or talk to them when they want to (this is the hardest thing but remember one thing, whether u like it or not they will do it anyways. So why not leave the door open). Ur bringing it all in the open. Making them feel like this affair is work now rather than something exciting.

The second thing ur doing is actually starting to detach urself more and more from the WS and everything related to them. This is extremely important for u personally. This is what will help ease the pain and suffering and help u see a future where u have control.

The third thing ur accomplishing is not crying or talking too much infront of them. Ur not showing that ur weak. That is what the WS wants from u. He or she knows that ur weak and will want them no matter what they do becoz ur a weakling and they have the power to make whatever decision they want and whoever they want to be with. Staying away from them reduces ur chances of showing ur weakness. Ur starting to scare them now, that they don’t really have a decision to make. It is u who is now gaining control and can finish off this marriage now. Also an important thing to remember is that nobody is attracted to a weakling. Neither is ur WS. He or she is running away from u becoz they don’t want to be with a cry baby.

The fourth thing ur doing is actually showing them that ur running away from them. What was the best thing when u guys met. It was the chase!. Now that the WS has the OP, who is the one they need to chase?..It is u. You are already starting to make them feel insecure. Why are they still hanging around u? Its for stability and security…NOTHING ELSE!!. For them that’s what marriage is all about at that moment. They are getting their emotional highs from chasing someone else. Well ur showing them now that they need to start running after u or this is over for them.


Stage 4: U will still want to be in this marriage just becoz u r afraid of being alone. But this is when you will only go through pain and anger. There will be no love or respect left for ur WS. U will start realizing that ur not too blame for the affair. Yes u were part of the problems in the marriage but u had nothing to do with the affair. And if the spouse was so miserable in their marriage, well, why didn’t they just say so in the first place. It was their decision to cross the lines, to screw up their marriage and destroy everything. U had no role to play whatsoever. So why should u take the blame for it or even help them fix this. They need to work overtime to try to help u heal and somehow make this marriage work. U will actually start looking at them with …..no not with love or respect or care….but with pity!!!. That they are actually walking away from a great life and great and loving family, humiliating themselves, destroying all their self respect and pride. This is when u know that u have really started take control of yourself and hence of this marriage!!!!!. At this moment you will not care about ur marriage or your WS. All you will care about is urself and your own happiness.


Stage 5: This is when the WS out of desperation will threaten to leave or run off to the OP. And they will let u know just to show you that they are still strong. But the truth is that they realize that they have lost all power to make the decision. All of a sudden reality starts to set in. This is the when you will face the greatest test of your power and strength. You will be surprised at your own level of energy. But the reality is that at this moment u just don’t care. Yes u want ur marriage to continue just because ur a bit afraid but you know it in ur heart that you don’t really want to live in this kind of a marriage or with someone as heartless, insensitive and selfish. This I thought would be the hardest stage for me, but in the end I think it was easiest. Just because, by this time I had already moved on. I almost felt that my WS was closer to me than I was to her. She was more scared abt the future than I was. This is when u know that you have become invincible!!!.

From here onwards I don’t want to make any predictions but I can tell you that even if the WS runs off to the OP then it is only out of desperation. And that’s the biggest mistake they can ever make. But the chances of that happening are very low. They will only start realizing that leaving their “happy” marriage life will only lead to misery and more problems. Also I can guarantee u that by pushing them away to the OP, it makes the WS look less attractive to the OP. But remember no matter what happens, whether they stick around or they leave. It is YOU who have played them in the end.

At this moment Just think of all this in this way……

YOU are the one who took control,
YOU are the one who started pushing them away,
YOU are the one who emotionally detached yourself from the WS
YOU are the one who started leading a relatively normal life,
YOU are the one who has been who has learnt to live life again on ur own.
YOU are the one who is proud of ur marriage.
YOU are the one who went through a marriage with someone like this and still stayed loyal
YOU are the one who made this decision in ur marriage at this moment
YOU are the one who is in control of your marriage and your life.
YOU are the one who is free now!.

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Slicked,

What studies and experience are you basing this theory on? No offense intended, but you might want to let the new folks who are looking for help and advice know whether or not you are qualified to be giving it.

FWIW, most of us who have been here on MB awhile are a bit skeptical of anyone who starts giving out advice on their first post and doesn't share where they are coming from. So what is your story? What in your life brought you here? Please share it.

Who


I am the BW,
He is the FWH
D-Day: 12/02/03

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Slicked Offline OP
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Well...I am a husband whose wife decided to have an affair with my best friend or should i say ex best friend now, when she was 5 mnth pregnant.

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That doesn't really tell us much Slicked. Have you started recovering your marriage? Is your wife still involved in the affair? Are you both living in the same home?

Have you followed the MB principles (Plan A)? What you have described above sounds (to the inexperienced) "kinda" like Plan A, but it's not even close. The POINT of Plan A is to show your spouse that YOU are the best choice, not that you don't care.

You say you've been reading for the last 6 months, but I think you still have a LOT of reading to do. I would suggest that you stop giving advice until you *understand* the MB principles...

Oh, and it's not about "winning" (as your title states), it's about recovering your MARRIAGE.


Me - BW/FWW
Him - FWH/BH
Still figuring it all out - but we're figuring it out TOGETHER <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
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Slicked Offline OP
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well thats the thing....what is the point of Plan A? Anguish, hurt, pain, suffering, abuse!! and for how long? 6 mnths and then u switch to plan B Why????...Why try to control your spouse? When all u need to do is control your yourself. Trust me when i say that I have read all the posts, all the books in the world and gone through marriage counseling. But in the end, you can do only so much for your spouse. Its their attitude or feelings that neeed to change. And only reality can provide them with that. My wife did exactly that and now after 5 mnths she is actually trying her best to prove herself to me. She was begging me to help her out of this mess becoz she is spinning out of control while she was on her knees.

And remember. A counseler can talk whatever he thinks is right. But you are the one who has experienced that pain. And he can never realize what that pain actually felt like.

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You have every right in the world to not believe in the MB principles and to not use them in your own life. But this is a MB board, and you really don't have the right to come on and say that this is all crap and to post your own method of "recovery". If you are going to do that, then get your own website.

The point of Plan A is to show your wife that you are the best choice. This is done by eliminating love busters and attempting to meet her top emotional needs. Yes, sometimes you do have to "suck it up" during plan A and put on a smile when you don't really mean it. This is why Plan A is of limited duration.

The time for plan B is when it is clear that the current path is causing you to lose all love for your wayward spouse. Plan B means cutting off ALL communication with your spouse and not meeting ANY of their needs, basically forcing them to get their needs met elsewhere. This is when they see exactly what needs you were meeting.

You are going to have anguish, pain, hurt and suffering no matter which way you choose to proceed. You can either practice the MB principles and stand a real chance at fixing the marriage, or you can do it your own way and see what happens...but neither path is pain free. You are going to hurt, you are going to feel humiliated, you are going to vascilate on your decisions, you are going to love your wife one minute and hate her the next...these things will happen regardless of the path you choose....

So why not choose the path that will get you a recovered marriage instead? Use the MB principles. They really do work.

(p.s. I am a FWW in a recovered marriage, thanks to MB)


Me - BW/FWW
Him - FWH/BH
Still figuring it all out - but we're figuring it out TOGETHER <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
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Slicked Offline OP
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I am not sure why you are getting so upset at my post. This site is for the benefit of all those who are betrayed. People are welcome to use plan A, B, C or z. I am just giving insight to something that was successfull. Its upto you or someone else to follow what they want.

And yes, it is about recovering my MARRIAGE. But winning my self respect, my sanity, my pride and my life back helped me prepare better for the future, so I COULD decide whether this marriage was worth saving and if yes, then make it stronger than ever!.

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Excellent posts Cathy.

Slicked,

Only time will tell if your formula will work. IMHO, recovery is a roller coaster and you haven't been riding long enough to really claim success yet.

If you have been reading here much, the term false recovery should scare you.

What you did to whip your WW into shape is between you and your WW. The point Cathy is making is that the MB principles have worked for literally thousands of couples and the Harleys have successfully been saving marriages for more than a decade. As far as I can tell, you are a novice with no qualifications.

This is a MB site and I join Cathy in her concern that someone who doesn't realize that you, someone who does not believe in what we know to be successful, will give unqualified and damaging advice to someone who doesn't understand that.

Who


I am the BW,
He is the FWH
D-Day: 12/02/03

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Actually, most of Slicked's stuff falls into MB in one way or another. Harley just spells better and is easier to understand. :P

I'd be curious what you actually dislike about the MB approach Slicked, or how you actually think your plan is different or contradicts MB? You say your tactics save one the pain of Plan A, but it sounds to me like you endured plenty of pain yourself. You say your plan is about regaining your self respect, I think MB is definitely about that as well.

So, are you recovering your marriage? Sorry to hear about the double betrayal of OM being your friend. That has to make it all that much harder.

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You have every right in the world to not believe in the MB principles and to not use them in your own life. But this is a MB board, and you really don't have the right to come on and say that this is all crap and to post your own method of "recovery".If you are going to do that, then get your own website.

Interesting that a follower of the MB principles engages in a love buster called 'disrespectful judgment'. You need to practice what you preach with others, otherwise your credibility as a faithful follower of the MB principles is questionable and hypocritical. Just because you don't agree with someone's comments doesn't mean that you have the right to be disrespectful to him/her.

Quote
The point of Plan A is to show your wife that you are the best choice. This is done by eliminating love busters and attempting to meet her top emotional needs. Yes, sometimes you do have to "suck it up" during plan A and put on a smile when you don't really mean it. This is why Plan A is of limited duration.

Avoiding love busters and exposing the affair to those closest to the WS is indeed very important. The problem comes when the BS attempts to meet the WS's emotional needs, and ends up looking to the WS like a complete phony, motivated more by fear than by love. Very seldom does this work and it often counterproductive to the efforts of ending the affair. I say this from a personal standpoint and because I've seen this happen with others time and again. Ironically, Slick's approach of emotional self-control and strength is much more effective than 'sucking up' to the WS.

I may be a recently registered member, but I am a very old member who is very much familiar with Dr Harley's MB books and principles.

Quote
The time for plan B is when it is clear that the current path is causing you to lose all love for your wayward spouse. Plan B means cutting off ALL communication with your spouse and not meeting ANY of their needs, basically forcing them to get their needs met elsewhere. This is when they see exactly what needs you were meeting.

You are going to have anguish, pain, hurt and suffering no matter which way you choose to proceed. You can either practice the MB principles and stand a real chance at fixing the marriage, or you can do it your own way and see what happens...but neither path is pain free. You are going to hurt, you are going to feel humiliated, you are going to vascilate on your decisions, you are going to love your wife one minute and hate her the next...these things will happen regardless of the path you choose....

So why not choose the path that will get you a recovered marriage instead? Use the MB principles. They really do work.

(p.s. I am a FWW in a recovered marriage, thanks to MB)

Plan B is not always practical especially when there are young children involved. Not every BS can avail him/herself of an intermediary that will be willing to serve as a go between him/her and his/her WS.

Lastly, nowhere does Dr Harley state that all marriages can be saved but many of his "followers" give the newly arrived BS advice to the contrary. Selling false hope that if they faithfully follow the MB principles, that their WS will see the light, end his/her affair and that his/her marriage will be restored better than ever. Very seldom do I see straight advice given to the BS that instead of obsessing in saving his/her marriage to use the MB principles for his/her personal recovery and growth. If the WS notices the changes of his/her BS and eventually wants to reconcile with him/her, then great. No one can control another human being only him/herself.

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Actually Slicks method is the NUMBER ONE method in saving a marriage that only ONE spouse wants to save, as far as online E books and MANY amazon books are concerned. I ordered at least 3 "saving your marriage" books and Every single one instructed you to do just what slick said to do.

And when I found this site, it was a bit more loving, but I saw Dr. Hartley's method very similar. Not as tough love, but similar. But, I REALLY CAN UNDERSTAND A QUOTE:

"Trust me, all the things in this world cannot recreate this feeling."

Oh my God, THAT feeling must be incredible, knowing that this person begging you to come back,AT ONE TIME, treated you worse than dirt and now the tables have turned. PRICELESS. But, then, your next move will show if YOU TRULEY LOVED YOUR SPOUSE OR NOT. I feel if you TRULY loved your spouse, you forgive. If you didn't, you kick the feet out from under him or her and move on. I wouldn't blame you one iota, but I don't see that as TRUE LOVE. But, thats me.
But, yeah, I don't have a problem with slicks advice, hes not alone in his strategy.

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OK, I just re-read Slicks initial post and I do see some validity.

I did many of the things suggested, without actually thinking about them, PRIOR to finding out that my FWH was having an affair.

Deep down inside I did know that he was acting pretty horrible --mean, short tempered, impatient and generally unpleasant. So I withdrew from him and began to live a life of my own that didn't really include him much any more. Whenever he started being difficult, I would just quietly get up and leave the room.

This behavior, I do believe, helped him make the decision to end the affair because he felt that he was losing me and that if he continued with the affair, that was a certainty.

BUT, ending the affair doesn't necessarily mean that the marriage is recovered. Recovery takes the action of both the FWS and the BS, or it isn't going to work.

My FWH and I just couldn't manage to recover until we started using the MB principles. It took us 3 1/2 years to come to that conclusion, so again, I caution anyone reading here to understand the difference between merely bringing an end to the affair, and achieving a recovered marriage.

You can't recover a marriage where there is an ongoing affair, but bringing an end to the affair is only the 1st step in what is usually a long process with many peaks and valleys.

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I am the BW,
He is the FWH
D-Day: 12/02/03

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Whome

I REALLY glad you guys are digging each other again. I makes me feel good and gives me a bit of hope. You might not think so, but I think it was AMAZINGLY LOVING of you to take your H back after being betrayed so. Hes VERY lucky to have you.

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BUT, ending the affair doesn't necessarily mean that the marriage is recovered. Recovery takes the action of both the FWS and the BS, or it isn't going to work.

My FWH and I just couldn't manage to recover until we started using the MB principles. It took us 3 1/2 years to come to that conclusion, so again, I caution anyone reading here to understand the difference between merely bringing an end to the affair, and achieving a recovered marriage.

You can't recover a marriage where there is an ongoing affair, but bringing an end to the affair is only the 1st step in what is usually a long process with many peaks and valleys.

Who

Excellent points.

I just want to add that so many marriages died a long time ago due to years of emotional, mental, physical and sexual neglect and abuse which all of a sudden are swept under the rug and they are desperate to pull a rabbit out of a hat. Unlike the BS none of us have all the information available about the the WS so a BS should be encouraged to take off the rose colored glasses and do an serious inventory of his/her marital history and honestly and truthfully asses if there is something/anything that can be used to rebuild the marriage on. If there isn't, then the BS who pursues the WS is setting him/herself up to needless pain and suffering that could have been so easily avoided.

This may be a Marriage Building site but it isn't an escape from reality site.


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