Help me. i am in a 15 year marriage, have two wonderful children. lately it has been hard as his 19 year old daughter moved in, more responsibilities etc. Well i have let myself go and have been working crazy hours. we hardly see eachother anymore and when we do there is an arguement because of the kids or we are just frustrated.

well i had opened an email account for him over a year ago, so i know the password. I check it from time to time maybe every two months just out of curiosity. he actually never used it. full of spam.

Well my heart fell and i was sick to my stomach when on saturday night as i was working i found an email from a woman to him. it said i am writting you as you told me to email you. she gave him her email as well and said she missed him. i was devasated.

A second email from him to her i found the next morning, he spoke of what a great day it was and he would see here later.

apparently she works at a job site he is at until today thursday. he started there saturday. apparently there was chemestry and as we are always frustrated and unhappy he was attracted.

i then completely changed. i fixed my hair, my nails bought new undergarments and started taking care of myself and him. Did not get into fights or at least avoided them. it has been a great 3 days so far for us.

but this morning as i woke and he told me he loved me and left to that job site for one last time i read an email from her saying that she missed his lips and she was in a relationship that she wanted out of and she knew he was waning out of his. apparently they have kissed

I then kept reading and she wrote that she wanted to take it slow (does that mean they have not had sex?). She also said she would like to try a relationship with him and woudl call him this morning.

i am devastated again wtih vomiting and stomach pains.

i am trying i truely am. he tells me he loves me, we are doing fine, but WHY IS SHE STILL EMAILING HIM. What shoudl i do? Should i confront him that i read the emails or should i wait it out.

Today is the last day for him to see here so if it continues they woudl have to sneak around as he will not be at her job anymore.

Should i confront him now or wait and see if he ends it today and stops contacting her and just leave it at that?

help advice please. i love him wtih all my heart and soal and did not realize how much until the first email i read.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that I would confront it immediately. It appears that it is a very new relationship that has the potential to move forward fast. The longer it goes on, the harder it will be for him to break free of it. Read the articles here in the Q&A section about coping with an affair. It will help you in confronting your husband, when you decide to, and give you insight into what will need to happen to recover from this.

Many here would also tell you to expose to the other woman's husband. She may be telling her husband that everything is fine and she loves him the same way your husband is telling you these things while indicating to her that he wants out of your marriage.

I am sorry you are in this situation.

I'm so sorry Broken for the pain you must now endure. You are at the right place. Many here can help you with sage advice.

When I received the "I don't want to be married anymore and I don't think I love you" speech I did the same thing as you. I looked in the mirror and blamed myself. If I had not gained so much weight after 4 kids..if I had taken care of myself better..etc. I worked my tail off trying to convince him "I" could change and in reality all it did was confuse him because he'd been having an affair for over a year. The affair was something HE did knowing full well the pain it would cause me and it might ruin our marriage. Do not accept the blame and think you are the reason he may be doing this.

Please read all the articles here. The information under the INFIDELITY heading helped me understand so much. I just wish I had read the information after his first words because I would have saved myself 3 months of agony trying to blame myself.

I would confront your husband because secrecy is the only atmosphere where an affair will survive. If you have a clergyman or counselor seek advice and counseling, or contact the Harleys thru this site for counseling. You need support for YOU. Marriages are 2 person arrangements and to begin an affair happens when 1 member of this arrangement makes a decision without the counsel of their partner.

Print off all the e-mails before he deletes them, and put them in a safe place.

I'd make many copies of the e-mail and take a ride over to the job site to make sure everyone got a copy, not just my husband.

I think you should talk to your husband immediately about this woman. I would expose to this womans husband immediately, but personally I would not expose to anyone else at this point. Make sure that when you expose you do it with the intent of ending their relationship, not to humiliate your husband.

I would begin major spying, a voice activated recorder hidden in his car, a key logger on his computer, and a PI.

Also, while you should not blame yourself for this, I think it is always helpful to look at yourself and what you can do to step things up. All married people let themselves go and let life get in the way of thier relationship. I think this is why affairs look so attractive. But remember you are his wife and you know him better than this woman does, so you have that advantage and should use it. Do what you know is important to him, for my husband that means making sure I look good, taking care of the house, making dinner, really listening to him when he talks (even when it is work stuff that I don't understand), being supportive of him, basically showing him that I value, love, and respect him.

Be strong, take care of yourself, and read all you can on this site so that you are prepared.

Broken: I advised you yesterday to "NOT" blame yourself completely for the A if your H is having one, and then at my MC meeting I went and did again too! MC gave me h3ll. She told me that H would've done it whether I looked like me or a fashion model because he had the mindset to have an A. She basically said he decided for whatever reason that he was going to pursue other women and no matter what I did or said, could have deterred him from this. I asked if she was saying he was like an alien..and she says: "Exactly!!"
It is still an easy hole to fall into to, but believe me when I say, we are not to blame. A H is a grown person and knows right from wrong but just chooses to not follow the right path.

Well i went out with h on a date and well basically started to cry during our walk. i told him how much i loved him and agian if he loved me. he continously said he did. i really coudl not tell him i knew, it did not want to come out. but, i did tell him that if he had any doubts about us, did not love me anymore or wanted to be or was in love with someone else to let me know so i coudl find someone who will really love me. i was crying and he was saying where is this coming from. i just said i know you know what i am talking about and i just want to know if you love me. i told him that i love him more than ever since 4 days ago. He just listened. i told him again that to tell me if he is not sure of us etc. and then i said i would not speak of this anymore.
we actually had a nice night.
but, i just cant get her off my mind. He has now changed his password on his email. He also has not had his phone all weekend long. i have no idea where it is.
i am sad to say he works for her again next week and am so nervous about it.
i have changed for the good for him, and for myself, but the trust is jsut so broken right now i feel like a nervous wreck all the time. Especially since he did not admit it or even say anything about it, like he was sorry or anything. i woudl forgive if it was just a kiss, anything more and i just would not be able to take it.

so what should i do, love and forget, or continue to spy and wonder. arrhhhh

Did you follow the advice given here to print out the emails?

Install a keylogger on your computer. NOW.

Your H correctly assumed you have read the emails, and changed his password. He is still working with her. I believe you had enough evidence from the emails to confront him. If you had printed the emails you can continue with exposure, a strong Plan A (which you have already started), and setting your boundaries.

Is it possible to drop by to visit your H at the work site? Or at least show up at lunch time, and at the end of his work day.

I understand your trust is broken. Mine would be too. Remember the changes you are making are very new, so in essence, you've only just begun to compete for his affections back again. Time and patience - and this board to vent your concerns and frustrations.

IMO, his acts of changing his password and turning his phone off have answered your question, he is cheating! At a minimum it is an emotional affair. Do not believe a word he says right now, he is not the man you know right now. I would do like Lucks said and show up at his work. I would find this woman and introduce myself to her. I would flat out tell my H that I had read the emails and that I know. He has already changed his password, so he knows you know anyway, but I would say the words. I would also send him an email saying how much I loved him and asking again if there was anyone else he had any feeling for at all. If he keeps up with his lies he will respond that he loves you and that there is no one else, also if you guys have had sex recently I would mention how great the sex was last (insert day). I would print that email and take it with me to give to the OW. He is probably lying to her also and telling her that he does not love you and that his marriage is over.

I think there are more options than the two you mention. My personal favorite is confront directly and deal with the issues at hand. What is wrong with asking him to make some changes in addition to the ones you are making? Changes like stop seeing the other woman, stop talking to the other woman on the phone, give me the password to all of your email accounts, give me access to your phone records, and let's get counceling to deal with the problems we have been having in our marriage.

It seems as though you won't believe this is real until you hear it from his mouth. The problem is that cheaters lie... to themselves, to their spouses, and to their affair partners. It's the nature of the beast brought on by trying to justify something they know is just plain wrong. Okay, he loves you. That is good, but that doesn't mean he isn't involved with another woman. This board is full of folks who have gotten the I-love-you-but-I'm-not-in-love-with-you speech. Telling him he needs to tell you the truth so you can go find another man to love you isn't much of a truth motivator either.

You have the evidence in front of you. You just need to come up with a plan to deal with it. Have you had the chance to read through the coping with infidelity links in the Q&A Columns? If not, please do. Ignoring this will not make it go away.

I agree with Exodus...I think one of the hardest things to accept about the whole thing is that someone you married and trusted for so long CAN and WILL lie directly to your face. It took my FWH telling me the whole sordid affair before I believed it, even though everyone around me knew from the signs it was happening.

I felt like "If I ask him directly, he will answer me honestly." It was not the case. My FWH continued an affair for almost four years.

This will not go away without you insisting that something change. You need to confront him...not just insinuate, or try to give him a chance to admit it...tell him what you KNOW. He has been talking with another woman about an extramarital relationship with her. She has mentioned his lips which implies that they have already been physical. This is not OK. You need to tell him your expectations. Otherwise, I'm afraid, he will continue to do what he is doing until you insist that he change or choose.

Good luck. Please keep posting. There is a lot of support here and you will need it. I know that horrible feeling...it takes a lot to get through it. Lean on us.

I would confront him head on with the "facts" you have. I know this is hard, I know by him not confessing you can remain in denial or try to convince yourself that this is not happening but if it is not happening yet it is about to....stop it before it really starts!

I had no idea, my ws came to me and exposed himself...I was devestated and yes the lies continued, he moved out, and moved in with ow. Eventually he did c0ome out of the "fog" but it was a long lonely devestating ride. Please spare yourself any more agony.

My prayers are with you. Be strong!

Broken...

My thoughts have been with you. How are you doing? Did you confront your H. I am so sorry for your pain. I know all too intimately the feelings you describe.

Please come here for support. The people are wonderful.

HTM

Broken,

I hope you are doing okay. I am sitting here with my stomach in knots reading your story. Please post an update when you can. You are truly in my thoughts.

((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

Danine-

Reading your post has brought all my memories flooding back. Well maybe not flooding, it has only been 4 months.
I too caught out my H e-mailing another woman. One associated with work. She left during this period but they found ways to stay in touch.
I think confrontation is the best way to go.
I had worries for weeks and i knew things were wrong. I tricked myself in to thinking they weren't that bad.

If i hadn't caught him out, he would be gone now. That i am sure of.

You need to tell him you know,and stay firm when he tries to wriggle out of it with half truths and denial. Which he almost definitely will.
Then you need to tell him he cannot see her or speak to her ever again or he's gone.
Thats the tricky bit. My H has mostly complied. Only for our children to start with. 4 months later however, i am extremely hopeful. Maybe one day we can say this was what our relationship needed. A big old wake up call.
I empathise with your pain. I lost heaps of weight and could barely function for the first 6 weeks.
You will get through it. Supposedly we will be stronger for it.
You need to confront it head on. Don't allow things to develop further. If i could go back, i would have stopped things when i first had an inkling. Things would have been easier.

I don't know if I should reply here as it's the first time I've posted so apologies if this is in the wrong place. Last night I found an email from my husband to the OW giveing explicit detail about the time they had spent together the previous day. We have already attended an initial counselling session, I found out about his A on 06.04.08 and he told me it had been going on a few weeks. On the 13.04 I opened an explicit photograph from her on his mobile when he promised me he wouln't contact her again but refused to call her or text her in front of me to tell her this. On the 16.04 I found evidence of another call and text. He said they didn't email but I knew that was a lie and found the emails yesterday. We had a huge row, I confronted him immediately and then we talked about leaving and starting afresh. How can we rebuild this, I've booked another counselling session with his consent and he tells me we can fix this but I don't know if I believe it anymore. I 've seen recommendations for Keyloggers, should I do that, or will that destroy any chance of us rebuilding trust?

Hi, I know how you feel.

Let me tell you my story. I found out right after we came back from our Hawaiian trip. I too found emails they met the next day & had sex in the location where they work, (actually a trailer), needless to say it was very explicit email down to the detail. They both work(ed) together, and they saw each other everyday. He promised me, it was over and that he was sorry (well that was a lie). That was Oct 5, 2007. They kept on seeing each other and talking. As per Dr. Harley the best thing was for him to leave his job all contact has to stop. Well, that didn't happen. Since there was no policy at work, nothing could be done, because it was a personal issue. Anyway I went to his boss and told him of the affair. That did nothing. As for her, she has no heart. I too called her husband and told him of the affair. Needless to say, nothing came of that. All she told me was, "Tu-Tu-Lu, thanks for speeding up the process.” Let me tell you no one at work could stand her. They all called her a filthy pig. Needless to say she left Jan 31.

On Nov 3, '07 he moved out. His excused to me was because of the fighting. Gee I wonder why. He again told me he was not talking to her only business stuff because they work together and that was over. Again that was a lie. He moved back in right before Thanksgiving. For my birthday and Christmas he gave me nothing and I mean nothing. After he came back home, he was cold, no emotion. He refused to see a counselor. He calls them whacko. Well right before Christmas he told me he wanted a divorce and that he is not in love with me, but he will always care for me. Once again he moved out on Feb 1, '08, to a 2-bedroom apartment. That he furnished very nicely. Well within that same week, I found he is still talking to her. Apparently she put a keylogger on his laptop that he bought from her and I found it, got a password recovery, changed stuff and switched it to me. Only to find that they are still talking. He also set up several online dating sites, met women there, bought a webcam and did cyber sex.
According to him it was something to do and that it meant nothing and also he is living alone and that we are separated. What a guy, huh. He tells me he is a different person, (oh really). I no longer have access to the keylogger.

We have been married for 21 years and have 2 children, 17y, & 14y boys. Honestly over the years he was never a good husband. I am not perfect but the one thing I can say. I made sure my family is taking care of. I will do whatever it takes to protect my family and what I believe in. I was always there. Never went anywhere and did nothing, always at home. Everything I did was with my family and for my family. I always tried to take care of myself as best as I can. I never looked like a slob, my children never did also, even him. I kept the house as best as I could. As for emotional needs I severely lacked it because of all the lies he has done to me over the years. This is his 2nd affair according to him. I don't know. I have no proof.

This is my story now. For the past 3 weeks he has been begging me to take him back, and that he is a different person. I told him, trust is earned and I need that. I belittled myself and was with him on Sat night. He again told me, he is not talking to her and that he is so sorry for hurting me. As for her, let me tell you she was and still is constantly calling me, telling me, we will be divorced soon and that they will be together. What ticks me off, is that he knows what she was/is doing to me and he did and still has done nothing about it. He told me he is sorry for not having any regards for my feeling and not protecting me.

When I was there on Sat night I needed that proof so I went to his latest phone bills only to find out that he is still talking to her (a lot). I could not go into his laptop, because it was password protected. He told me, he was going to tell me and that I would not understand. According to him, he was only talking to her because it was somebody to talk to and that he will talk to anyone that will talk to him, because he does not like being alone and it was somebody to talk to. In other words he kept on talking to the person he had sex with and because of that broke our marriage, tormented me, to a point of a nervous breakdown. Some regards and respect for me.

Honestly I was once again so hurt and ripped and so ticked. I told him I was going to call her husband and tell him the affair is not over. (Now get this) he told me if I did that and if he kicks her out, guess who she will call, guess where she will be staying, because he would do that to anyone. If I call him and that would of happened it would be my fault that bought them together. I honestly wanted to slap him. How can anyone be so vicious and horrible and cold. Now all he does is pinning this on me. He keeps telling me, he wants to come home and make up and I want to destroy the family.

I don't know your situation, but they work together and you cannot be his pawn for him to abuse and belittle you. You deserve regards and respect.

As for me, I don't know what I am going to do. Yes, I still love him very much. In spite of his HORRORS to me, he is the love of my life. But he needs to prove so much to me before I can take him back.
I too am so emotionally tormented. I only wish I could flick a switch and forget him. I have yet not seen any emotion from him.

How can a person be so viciously cruel. Why does the cheating spouse protect the other useless person. How can they look at you and viciously lie.

I know, my family tells me all the time. I have taken too much of abuse from him.

Take care ~ Cary

bumping up for responses to these 2 ladies!!!

Could you all help out here?

Sorry I am at work and cannot reply now.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Sorry, i posted and i dont know what happened to it. It was a long story, it might have gotten to another subject. I might have posted it wrong, but to make a long story short...

i finally confronted him.

My heart could not take it anymore. i am still sick to my stomach and have lost 7 pounds due to vomiting. he said she was there for him. they discussed their problems with their relationships and it grew from there. i know they kissed as per one email, but he continues to denie it. i do know they did not have a chance to sleep together per emails as well. she ovbiously wanted to so bad, but he could not see her as i was changing myself from the first email to the last.

i am a completely differnt woman and have redirected my priorities. I hope he appreciates it and does not think it will stop. He does say that he loves me this way and this is what he wanted. He told me i was gone and had disappeared. he appologized for her and in an anger rage i made him delete all her numbers on his cell phone. To see the way he hid them just killed me.

We have been donig well until last night.

he is not hiding his phone anymore and i decided just to clear my mind to take a look. i did see her number saved in contacts again :(, also a few unknown calls. What hurt me the most is in his messaging folder i read some drafts thta never made it to her with him sending her pictures of him and also one text message saying how he feels like he has known her forever in this short time?????

It killed me once again. Alhtoygh they were old except for one picture in the drafts, whcih was dated the 15th which was the day i confronted him and he denied it day.

he cried three times and said he was sorry, as i did as well for neglecting him and leading him to that direction.

What hurts is i know he cares for her. Also i spyed so much i found her on myspace and her picture and she is so pretty and 10 years younger than me. she has two children as well. its very painful.

MY PROBLEM NOW IS SINCE WE SQUASHED IT AND ARE STARTING OVER WITH DATING AND LOVING AND JUST TALKING, WHY WAS HER NUMBER THERE AGAIN. IT IS NOT ON THE OUTGOING BUT THE INCOMING. HE DID DELETE RECEIVED TEXT MESSAGES AND SENT ONES, OBVIOUSLY HE DOES NOT KNOW ABOUT THE DRAFTS.

WHAT DO I DO KNOW AS THAT CONFUSES ME, HE SAYS HE IS WITH ME FOR THE LONG HAUL, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WTIH THE CALLS???

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE, I FEEL LOST AGAIN. I SIT HERE LIKE A PUPPY WAITING FOR HIS CALL, I FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM AGAIN AND I JUST NEED THE PROOF OF NO CALLS, NO TEXTS, NO EMAILS TO GET ME THROUGH THIS. I SEE HER FACE IN MY MIND NOW ALL THE TIME AND TRY TO MAKE MY HAIR GROW LONG AND FIX MY BODY TO LOOK YOUNGER IN ANY WAY I CAN.

HELP, DO I SIT BACK AND WAIT FOR IT TO GO AWAY SLOWLY?

Obviously

Don't tell him about the drafts. It will give you a way to check on him. Continue to Plan A him. Calmly tell him that you saw the e-mail about kissing and ask him not to further insult your intelligience by denying something you know to be a fact. Ever regaining trust for him may hinge on his response. Let him know that.
My heart is with you. I waited ten days after finding sexually explicit text messages on FWH cell phone. I did that for a few reasons. First, I did not want to act solely on shock, anger or raw grief. I also wanted to feel I was willing and wanted to recover the marriage. Next, I wanted to have a number of really pleasant times together with him. (Plan A without knowing it) I filled the weekends with recreational time together because that was when he was seeing her and I continued to monitor his phone. When I confronted he had no wiggle room. He knew that his decision had to be immediate. He has never looked back.
Prayers for you,
Say

broken, it's logical that she would keep calling him, if he didn't have you send a No Contact letter that he writes and you approve and send. That's what they recommend here. It's a very effective way to tell her no more, and to tell him it's over.

Have you done that letter?

It may take awhile for him to stop wanting to see her, so you need to keep up the good times (Plan A) and be vigilant about spying.

It sounds like you have a pretty good chance of saving this.

Well i just looked at his phone for today as he is sleeping. There are two unknow callers incoming and then he called her job at 4 pm

I wish i knew what they were talking about, why the necesity to call and talk if we had squashed it all and are starting over. Today when he came home we sat on the hammock talking about our future and about us and how much we loved eachother. i told him i almost lost him and he said i would never loose him.

but then there is the calls WHY WHY WHY i ask. What is she telling him, what is he telling her. I have been sick again vomiting. Its my nerves. I just want it to stop and i want to know it has stopped. The dog gone cell phone bill is like almost two months back dated so i have to wait till april to see this months call log. i have the call log for march which came in april so its weird. This affair started on march 31st, we are almost a month into it

SO CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHY HE TELLS ME HE LOVES ME AND IS SORRY AND HAS CRIED FOR MY PAIN AND THEN STILL SPEAKS TO HER AFTER WE DISCUSSED THEY COULD NOT EVEN BE FRIENDS? IF SOMEONE CAN ANSWER THAT FOR ME MAYBE I CAN STOP BEING SICK. I HAVE LOST 11 POUNDS TO THIS DATE, WEIGHED MYSELF TODAY.

He is doing it because you're letting him cake eat (have both of you). People in affairs become very good at lying; that's what it's all about; some even get a thrill out of it.

Have you read the material here on how to stop an affair? If you are not following the guidelines, including the No Contact letter that he writes and you send, you have a slim chance of overcoming this affair.

Wow, I can feel every single word of your post as if it was happening to me all over again. My stomach is in knots right along with yours and I am SO sorry for what you are going through.

What I finally realized in my situation is that my H could love me, be in love with me, want to be with me, and want to make our marriage work, and all the while still be attracted to the energy, newness, and ego boost this outside relationship provided. No matter what you do or how you change yourself, you are still you, and the OW probably presents a welcomed distraction to the normal, daily work and pay bills routine of his life. I don't believe his attraction to her has anything to do with him feeling negatively towards you, it has more to do with ego, variety and change. Plus, a lot of times the cheater feels badly for the OW because they feel the OW has not done anything "wrong" to them, and actually provided a friendship or other service to them during a time of need. Therefore, they feel guilty about cutting off ties with someone who has, in their opinion, not done anything "wrong". They don't want to hurt the OW after the OW was kind enough to welcome them in to her world and love them. Does that make sense?

My approach is a bit different than others here. I tend to be a bit more confrontational and would likely call, visit or email the OW directly to attempt to get answers to my questions. She may not be aware that you two are trying to reconcile your relationship and perhaps thinks things with your H and her are business as usual. Perhaps if you spoke with her, explained that you knew all about her relationship with your husband, and asked her point blank to respect you, your marriage and your family, she would have an ounce of compassion and take a hike. Who knows what she has to lose or what fear the thought of exposure could set in motion? And maybe if SHE then pulls away from HIM, he won't feel so badly about cutting all ties.

After my final "conversation" with my H's OW (a Sunday school teacher btw) she felt badly about what they had put me through and they agreed not to ever talk again. Even though they both said the A was over, they were still in communication. I now realize that he was not strong enough to send her packing and needed her to reassure him that she was okay being cut off. I was so glad I spoke with her directly because cheaters lie (no kidding!) and I could not depend on anything he said as truth. I needed to know both sides of the story and I had a better chance of getting the full picture from speaking with her too then just depending on him to provide a synopsis of the relationship.

I hope this is making sense to you. It is all so complicated and I truly hope your situation works out for you. It did for me and I am now 10 years post A.

Please keep posting. I have been hiding under a rock on this board and only came out because your post has moved me so much.

Take care,
Danine

Hi broken, I am sure sorry you are here, but you are in the right place. I would suggest following Plan A, most especially exposing the affair. Exposure is ruinous to affairs because they thrive on secrecy. Good exposure targets would be his parents, your pastor, close friends, the OW's employer, siblings. Bring it out into the light of day. It is an affair killer.

Dr. Harley does advocate contacting the OP and making as much as possible for her. Often, the OP might not even know the WS is married and will drop him immediately. At worst, it puts a human face to the name. My H's affair ENDED THE DAY I CONFRONTED THE OW.


But before you do that, find out if she is married herself. Do a crosscheck on her name in www.peoplefinder.com and see if a man's name comes up. Disguise your # with *67 and call the house to see if you can contact him. [don't leave your name or #!]

By all means, though, CALL HER! Just find out if she has a husband FIRST and call him up FIRST. If you call her first, though, she may forewarn her H, if any, and pre-empt you.

broken, do you have the book Surviving an Affair? Have you read the material on this website? If not, I would suggest getting the book ASAP and start reading the link "How to Survive Infidelity" in the column to the right of this page.

Another great help is this overview of Plan A by Pepperband:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

Hi i am back.
Its been a while again.
Just been working on me and my marrage.
We spoke yet again and he told me over and over again that it is over, he does not call her, she does not call him and she actually said to him good luck with your marriage. I have monitored his phone and only seen about one unknown caller a day. I cant figure if its a advertizement caller or her. I will find out though when the bill comes in on the 22nd of May. i have to see how long he spoke to those calls.

it is horrible to not have trust, which i guess is part of this whole thing. Searching emails and phone logs and messages. its horrible. i wonder if he deleted them and i wonder if he saw her at lunch. i look at her myspace profile picture every day and examine her hair and her eyes. i feel like a nut.

he tells me that has made our love stronger and he loves me and is falling in love with me again. i believe him for that time and then the next day i get those pains again and wonder wonder wonder what he is doing at work and if he is thinking of her when his mind is off wandering.

in our 15 years married wtih ups and downs and even harder times than these i wonder what this time coaxed him to fall for her, i mean i wonder what they spoke about and what he saw in her that he was willing to give everything up for.

i have lost 15 pounds now and look nothing like i did when this first started whihc was march 31st. i have loved him, cared for him, stopped nagging and complaining, i am there for his every need.

what i want now is to try to stop being so needy, i mean i have fallen for him again after all this and i just feel like a lost puppy following him, asking him if he loves me daily, telling him i love him at least 10 x a day arrhhh.

Should i stop and wait to see if he says it first for a change? or is it okay for me to just love him so much?

i guess for me to stop thinking about her i just want to see more from him... i wonder when i will see more?

Has he answered all of your questions openly and honestly? Just because you may have caught it and broken it up before it had a chance to really progress does not mean that the two of you don't need to discuss it. Do not make the mistake of letting him off the hook for explaining your actions. That is not the path to healing for you.

Did you expose the affair as we suggested? It works, that's why it's suggested. Once her family/friends/work know she was working on a married man, she is FAR less likely to ever contact him again. Him too.

Also, you might want to try to control the telling him you love him 10 times a day, and asking for his reassurance every day. That's a good way to convince him to turn the other way. Just be strong, confident and loving. Be what he needs, but not needy. It's human nature to turn away from someone who is clinging to you like a vine, whether you love the person or not.

I understand what you are saying about trying not to be so needy, i just feel the need to hug him and look into his eyes constantly. Man i have to stop. Its just that fear of loosing him that is killing me. I will try harder to hold back and wait for him to make the needy moves.

we have both spoken about the "affair", whcih he said it never got far enough to become one, it was more of an emotional needs, he was getting from here the shoulder and she as well as she was havingn problems with her live in boyfriend and father of her second child, she actually threw him out of the house thinking my husband was going to be with her. i did see that she wanted to "make love to him" as well from her explicit emails, but he said and promised it never reached that point. I guess i did catch it in time, imagine if i did not and did not change, he would be almost gone and would have slept with her because she from her emails was presurring him.

What hurt me the most is that when i saw the last bill i could see him call her, then call me, with her he was on teh phone for 18 minutes, with me 1 minute.

it has been squashed after nights of staying up to teh wee morning talking about it. he got sick as i was. he wanted it to stop and us to stop talking about it, he mentioned that he screwed up and did not know what he was doing.

i truely hope it is over and he does not think of her. i have to get trust back for him so i can be "normal again".

As for exposing her to her job, family, i am scared to. i know she will tell him and as i have read, and know from him, he does feel sorry for her, for leading her on and getting her expectations up by telling her we were getting divorsed. She really thought she had a real catch. if he were to find out i did that it woudl blow up in my face.

i have to keep calm and just work through this all, and hope that he is not lying and that we are as strong as ever. i definiely will know when the bill comes.

man i love this man so much. i feel for all of the women going through this pain. it is unbearable.

This is dangerous thinking. If you minimize this by not calling it an affair, you do yourself an injustice. What he had was an emotional affair, which IMO is much more dangerous than a purely physical affair. I recommend the book "Not Just Friends". Both of you should read it and discuss. Also, there is something called the 13 steps or 19 steps to infidelity or something along those lines. I'll see if I can find it, but it outlines the process that takes an acquaintance to a friend to a lover. He needs to understand this process so he can see just how close he was to having a full blown EA/PA. How can he identify the steps he needs to protect himself from if he does not think he even had an emotional affair?



Does this mean that they still work together? From reading here, you know that that cannot happen. Sooner or later, she will violate the boundary and start talking to him about personal issues. If he feels sorry for her, he will talk to her and the likelihood that the affair will restart is very high. Exposure to the job site may get her transferred and or even just heavily watched. I would still recommend your husband request a transfer or change jobs though.

Good luck

she does not work with him, he worked at her job for 4 days. he is a contractor and works at different jobs daily. Apparently he was there for teh weekend with her and other and it began there, teh talking and her problems and his problems and they went to lunch. they also shared kissing, but as i read the emails she wanted to have sex with him so bad and he was not seeing her as that was when i was changing and he was becoming suspicious that i found out. i am telling you i believe i caught it in time.

but you are right, i checked his phone today and finally figured out how to look at his phone email. She had sent him a picture of her new hairstyle on teh 28th of april. This is after he said all ties were broken

Apparently she is fixing her self up as well. i cant believe it. There is no reply from him to her, so i dont know if he ignored it or deleted teh reply.

Also i checked his email and she sent him a chain letter. She does not seem to want to give up or is waiting to see if he answers her back.

This is so hard for me as i am trying to move on. He tells me over and over and over and over he loves me, we are even going away for the weekend soon and he is so excited.

she is seriously still after him. its discusting how she can do this knowing he is married and has kids. Apparently she dumped her live in boyfriend and father of her second child when she thought my husband was going to "be with her".

now i have to wait yet again and see if he replyes to her and wait for the next cell phone bill to come up on teh 22nd. i cant believe this might not be over yet...

if her number is on there i will confront him once again and tell him he has to choose or i will just get a divorce. i just cant take this snooping and nontrust anymore. if he wants a 27 year old when he is 40 and wants to raise her kids which are ages 1 and 13 well he can have her then. I am just so over the lies if that is what they are.

but honestly i hope she is just bothering him and he is telling her to go away, i wish i had that proof in my hands.

Eventually i might just write her and tell her to ___ off, but that will be after i get the cell bill and i will also contact her job as i know where she works.

women now a days that go after married men disgust me. She had pictures of her butt, herself in the car, at work, etc. She was emailing him pictures all day long. i saw them tonight, old ones, they hurt like hell.

um...why is he keeping the emails if he feels bad about what happened? he should delete them all, erase all memories and BLOCK her email from coming in.
He needs to send the NC letter! You need to be able to read it, and know it was sent.
My dh got an email from an old lover a couple of months ago. I found it. He had replied. I was innocent on the surface, BUT he didn't tell me about it, I found it. When we talked, he DELETED the emails. She sent him one more. He just deleted it and then BLOCKED her email. I know because I was snooping.
You deserve to feel loved and beautiful and wonderful--and right now you are letting this tear you down. So while I don't have fantastic advice for a marriage what I can say is this...what are you going to do today for you? a pamper mission that will help you feel good about you. Paint your toe nails, or take a hot soak in the tub. Something that is just luxurious pampering for you and your femininity again.

Somehow I think it a bit difficult to believe that she would do something like that if the A had only achieved EA status.

In any case, can't you block her e-mail?

I think you need to introduce your husband to what Dr. Harley refers to as "Extraordinary Precautions". If she won't stop emailing him, he either blocks her email address or (if its a personal email) he deletes it and gets a new/different one. If she won't stop calling, he gets a new, unlisted phone number.
Did he send her a NC letter?

Your husband has got to ditch the notion that he should protect her feelings. He needs to understand that every time he chooses to be "nice" to her, he is choosing to cause you pain. Unfortunately, he will probably lie to himself some more and convince himself that its ok since he has no intention of restarting the affair. There is where you need to set a personal boundary with real consequences. If he crosses it, you implement the consequences, no ifs, ands, or buts.

broken...

unless you want to be doing this 6 years later, as I am...

expose, expose, expose...

make him change his number.

And lovingly from my own experience I tell you to grow a backbone. It's hard, but do it one step at a time. Let her know that you are fighting for your M and if she does not think that the sanctity of M is important, you will truly let everyone in her life know what she is doing to destroy yours.

TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!

Broken,

I am so sorry that you are here. I just found out about my H's online affair a little over a month ago. Healing is going slowly. The trust issue is one that I guess we will both be dealing with for quite some time, from what I hear.

My H does work with the OW and is in the process of trying to find other employment....but around our area they are pretty hard to comeby....any that pay descent enough anyway. The OW is also a Deacon's wife in our church....so it has been very hard on all fronts.

I feel your devastation. Maybe we can learn to deal together?

Nky