Don't tell him about the drafts. It will give you a way to check on him. Continue to Plan A him. Calmly tell him that you saw the e-mail about kissing and ask him not to further insult your intelligience by denying something you know to be a fact. Ever regaining trust for him may hinge on his response. Let him know that.
My heart is with you. I waited ten days after finding sexually explicit text messages on FWH cell phone. I did that for a few reasons. First, I did not want to act solely on shock, anger or raw grief. I also wanted to feel I was willing and wanted to recover the marriage. Next, I wanted to have a number of really pleasant times together with him. (Plan A without knowing it) I filled the weekends with recreational time together because that was when he was seeing her and I continued to monitor his phone. When I confronted he had no wiggle room. He knew that his decision had to be immediate. He has never looked back.
Prayers for you,
Say

broken, it's logical that she would keep calling him, if he didn't have you send a No Contact letter that he writes and you approve and send. That's what they recommend here. It's a very effective way to tell her no more, and to tell him it's over.

Have you done that letter?

It may take awhile for him to stop wanting to see her, so you need to keep up the good times (Plan A) and be vigilant about spying.

It sounds like you have a pretty good chance of saving this.

Well i just looked at his phone for today as he is sleeping. There are two unknow callers incoming and then he called her job at 4 pm

I wish i knew what they were talking about, why the necesity to call and talk if we had squashed it all and are starting over. Today when he came home we sat on the hammock talking about our future and about us and how much we loved eachother. i told him i almost lost him and he said i would never loose him.

but then there is the calls WHY WHY WHY i ask. What is she telling him, what is he telling her. I have been sick again vomiting. Its my nerves. I just want it to stop and i want to know it has stopped. The dog gone cell phone bill is like almost two months back dated so i have to wait till april to see this months call log. i have the call log for march which came in april so its weird. This affair started on march 31st, we are almost a month into it

SO CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHY HE TELLS ME HE LOVES ME AND IS SORRY AND HAS CRIED FOR MY PAIN AND THEN STILL SPEAKS TO HER AFTER WE DISCUSSED THEY COULD NOT EVEN BE FRIENDS? IF SOMEONE CAN ANSWER THAT FOR ME MAYBE I CAN STOP BEING SICK. I HAVE LOST 11 POUNDS TO THIS DATE, WEIGHED MYSELF TODAY.

He is doing it because you're letting him cake eat (have both of you). People in affairs become very good at lying; that's what it's all about; some even get a thrill out of it.

Have you read the material here on how to stop an affair? If you are not following the guidelines, including the No Contact letter that he writes and you send, you have a slim chance of overcoming this affair.

Wow, I can feel every single word of your post as if it was happening to me all over again. My stomach is in knots right along with yours and I am SO sorry for what you are going through.

What I finally realized in my situation is that my H could love me, be in love with me, want to be with me, and want to make our marriage work, and all the while still be attracted to the energy, newness, and ego boost this outside relationship provided. No matter what you do or how you change yourself, you are still you, and the OW probably presents a welcomed distraction to the normal, daily work and pay bills routine of his life. I don't believe his attraction to her has anything to do with him feeling negatively towards you, it has more to do with ego, variety and change. Plus, a lot of times the cheater feels badly for the OW because they feel the OW has not done anything "wrong" to them, and actually provided a friendship or other service to them during a time of need. Therefore, they feel guilty about cutting off ties with someone who has, in their opinion, not done anything "wrong". They don't want to hurt the OW after the OW was kind enough to welcome them in to her world and love them. Does that make sense?

My approach is a bit different than others here. I tend to be a bit more confrontational and would likely call, visit or email the OW directly to attempt to get answers to my questions. She may not be aware that you two are trying to reconcile your relationship and perhaps thinks things with your H and her are business as usual. Perhaps if you spoke with her, explained that you knew all about her relationship with your husband, and asked her point blank to respect you, your marriage and your family, she would have an ounce of compassion and take a hike. Who knows what she has to lose or what fear the thought of exposure could set in motion? And maybe if SHE then pulls away from HIM, he won't feel so badly about cutting all ties.

After my final "conversation" with my H's OW (a Sunday school teacher btw) she felt badly about what they had put me through and they agreed not to ever talk again. Even though they both said the A was over, they were still in communication. I now realize that he was not strong enough to send her packing and needed her to reassure him that she was okay being cut off. I was so glad I spoke with her directly because cheaters lie (no kidding!) and I could not depend on anything he said as truth. I needed to know both sides of the story and I had a better chance of getting the full picture from speaking with her too then just depending on him to provide a synopsis of the relationship.

I hope this is making sense to you. It is all so complicated and I truly hope your situation works out for you. It did for me and I am now 10 years post A.

Please keep posting. I have been hiding under a rock on this board and only came out because your post has moved me so much.

Take care,
Danine

Hi broken, I am sure sorry you are here, but you are in the right place. I would suggest following Plan A, most especially exposing the affair. Exposure is ruinous to affairs because they thrive on secrecy. Good exposure targets would be his parents, your pastor, close friends, the OW's employer, siblings. Bring it out into the light of day. It is an affair killer.

Dr. Harley does advocate contacting the OP and making as much as possible for her. Often, the OP might not even know the WS is married and will drop him immediately. At worst, it puts a human face to the name. My H's affair ENDED THE DAY I CONFRONTED THE OW.


But before you do that, find out if she is married herself. Do a crosscheck on her name in www.peoplefinder.com and see if a man's name comes up. Disguise your # with *67 and call the house to see if you can contact him. [don't leave your name or #!]

By all means, though, CALL HER! Just find out if she has a husband FIRST and call him up FIRST. If you call her first, though, she may forewarn her H, if any, and pre-empt you.

broken, do you have the book Surviving an Affair? Have you read the material on this website? If not, I would suggest getting the book ASAP and start reading the link "How to Survive Infidelity" in the column to the right of this page.

Another great help is this overview of Plan A by Pepperband:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

Hi i am back.
Its been a while again.
Just been working on me and my marrage.
We spoke yet again and he told me over and over again that it is over, he does not call her, she does not call him and she actually said to him good luck with your marriage. I have monitored his phone and only seen about one unknown caller a day. I cant figure if its a advertizement caller or her. I will find out though when the bill comes in on the 22nd of May. i have to see how long he spoke to those calls.

it is horrible to not have trust, which i guess is part of this whole thing. Searching emails and phone logs and messages. its horrible. i wonder if he deleted them and i wonder if he saw her at lunch. i look at her myspace profile picture every day and examine her hair and her eyes. i feel like a nut.

he tells me that has made our love stronger and he loves me and is falling in love with me again. i believe him for that time and then the next day i get those pains again and wonder wonder wonder what he is doing at work and if he is thinking of her when his mind is off wandering.

in our 15 years married wtih ups and downs and even harder times than these i wonder what this time coaxed him to fall for her, i mean i wonder what they spoke about and what he saw in her that he was willing to give everything up for.

i have lost 15 pounds now and look nothing like i did when this first started whihc was march 31st. i have loved him, cared for him, stopped nagging and complaining, i am there for his every need.

what i want now is to try to stop being so needy, i mean i have fallen for him again after all this and i just feel like a lost puppy following him, asking him if he loves me daily, telling him i love him at least 10 x a day arrhhh.

Should i stop and wait to see if he says it first for a change? or is it okay for me to just love him so much?

i guess for me to stop thinking about her i just want to see more from him... i wonder when i will see more?

Has he answered all of your questions openly and honestly? Just because you may have caught it and broken it up before it had a chance to really progress does not mean that the two of you don't need to discuss it. Do not make the mistake of letting him off the hook for explaining your actions. That is not the path to healing for you.

Did you expose the affair as we suggested? It works, that's why it's suggested. Once her family/friends/work know she was working on a married man, she is FAR less likely to ever contact him again. Him too.

Also, you might want to try to control the telling him you love him 10 times a day, and asking for his reassurance every day. That's a good way to convince him to turn the other way. Just be strong, confident and loving. Be what he needs, but not needy. It's human nature to turn away from someone who is clinging to you like a vine, whether you love the person or not.

I understand what you are saying about trying not to be so needy, i just feel the need to hug him and look into his eyes constantly. Man i have to stop. Its just that fear of loosing him that is killing me. I will try harder to hold back and wait for him to make the needy moves.

we have both spoken about the "affair", whcih he said it never got far enough to become one, it was more of an emotional needs, he was getting from here the shoulder and she as well as she was havingn problems with her live in boyfriend and father of her second child, she actually threw him out of the house thinking my husband was going to be with her. i did see that she wanted to "make love to him" as well from her explicit emails, but he said and promised it never reached that point. I guess i did catch it in time, imagine if i did not and did not change, he would be almost gone and would have slept with her because she from her emails was presurring him.

What hurt me the most is that when i saw the last bill i could see him call her, then call me, with her he was on teh phone for 18 minutes, with me 1 minute.

it has been squashed after nights of staying up to teh wee morning talking about it. he got sick as i was. he wanted it to stop and us to stop talking about it, he mentioned that he screwed up and did not know what he was doing.

i truely hope it is over and he does not think of her. i have to get trust back for him so i can be "normal again".

As for exposing her to her job, family, i am scared to. i know she will tell him and as i have read, and know from him, he does feel sorry for her, for leading her on and getting her expectations up by telling her we were getting divorsed. She really thought she had a real catch. if he were to find out i did that it woudl blow up in my face.

i have to keep calm and just work through this all, and hope that he is not lying and that we are as strong as ever. i definiely will know when the bill comes.

man i love this man so much. i feel for all of the women going through this pain. it is unbearable.

This is dangerous thinking. If you minimize this by not calling it an affair, you do yourself an injustice. What he had was an emotional affair, which IMO is much more dangerous than a purely physical affair. I recommend the book "Not Just Friends". Both of you should read it and discuss. Also, there is something called the 13 steps or 19 steps to infidelity or something along those lines. I'll see if I can find it, but it outlines the process that takes an acquaintance to a friend to a lover. He needs to understand this process so he can see just how close he was to having a full blown EA/PA. How can he identify the steps he needs to protect himself from if he does not think he even had an emotional affair?



Does this mean that they still work together? From reading here, you know that that cannot happen. Sooner or later, she will violate the boundary and start talking to him about personal issues. If he feels sorry for her, he will talk to her and the likelihood that the affair will restart is very high. Exposure to the job site may get her transferred and or even just heavily watched. I would still recommend your husband request a transfer or change jobs though.

Good luck

she does not work with him, he worked at her job for 4 days. he is a contractor and works at different jobs daily. Apparently he was there for teh weekend with her and other and it began there, teh talking and her problems and his problems and they went to lunch. they also shared kissing, but as i read the emails she wanted to have sex with him so bad and he was not seeing her as that was when i was changing and he was becoming suspicious that i found out. i am telling you i believe i caught it in time.

but you are right, i checked his phone today and finally figured out how to look at his phone email. She had sent him a picture of her new hairstyle on teh 28th of april. This is after he said all ties were broken

Apparently she is fixing her self up as well. i cant believe it. There is no reply from him to her, so i dont know if he ignored it or deleted teh reply.

Also i checked his email and she sent him a chain letter. She does not seem to want to give up or is waiting to see if he answers her back.

This is so hard for me as i am trying to move on. He tells me over and over and over and over he loves me, we are even going away for the weekend soon and he is so excited.

she is seriously still after him. its discusting how she can do this knowing he is married and has kids. Apparently she dumped her live in boyfriend and father of her second child when she thought my husband was going to "be with her".

now i have to wait yet again and see if he replyes to her and wait for the next cell phone bill to come up on teh 22nd. i cant believe this might not be over yet...

if her number is on there i will confront him once again and tell him he has to choose or i will just get a divorce. i just cant take this snooping and nontrust anymore. if he wants a 27 year old when he is 40 and wants to raise her kids which are ages 1 and 13 well he can have her then. I am just so over the lies if that is what they are.

but honestly i hope she is just bothering him and he is telling her to go away, i wish i had that proof in my hands.

Eventually i might just write her and tell her to ___ off, but that will be after i get the cell bill and i will also contact her job as i know where she works.

women now a days that go after married men disgust me. She had pictures of her butt, herself in the car, at work, etc. She was emailing him pictures all day long. i saw them tonight, old ones, they hurt like hell.

um...why is he keeping the emails if he feels bad about what happened? he should delete them all, erase all memories and BLOCK her email from coming in.
He needs to send the NC letter! You need to be able to read it, and know it was sent.
My dh got an email from an old lover a couple of months ago. I found it. He had replied. I was innocent on the surface, BUT he didn't tell me about it, I found it. When we talked, he DELETED the emails. She sent him one more. He just deleted it and then BLOCKED her email. I know because I was snooping.
You deserve to feel loved and beautiful and wonderful--and right now you are letting this tear you down. So while I don't have fantastic advice for a marriage what I can say is this...what are you going to do today for you? a pamper mission that will help you feel good about you. Paint your toe nails, or take a hot soak in the tub. Something that is just luxurious pampering for you and your femininity again.

Somehow I think it a bit difficult to believe that she would do something like that if the A had only achieved EA status.

In any case, can't you block her e-mail?

I think you need to introduce your husband to what Dr. Harley refers to as "Extraordinary Precautions". If she won't stop emailing him, he either blocks her email address or (if its a personal email) he deletes it and gets a new/different one. If she won't stop calling, he gets a new, unlisted phone number.
Did he send her a NC letter?

Your husband has got to ditch the notion that he should protect her feelings. He needs to understand that every time he chooses to be "nice" to her, he is choosing to cause you pain. Unfortunately, he will probably lie to himself some more and convince himself that its ok since he has no intention of restarting the affair. There is where you need to set a personal boundary with real consequences. If he crosses it, you implement the consequences, no ifs, ands, or buts.

broken...

unless you want to be doing this 6 years later, as I am...

expose, expose, expose...

make him change his number.

And lovingly from my own experience I tell you to grow a backbone. It's hard, but do it one step at a time. Let her know that you are fighting for your M and if she does not think that the sanctity of M is important, you will truly let everyone in her life know what she is doing to destroy yours.

TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!

Broken,

I am so sorry that you are here. I just found out about my H's online affair a little over a month ago. Healing is going slowly. The trust issue is one that I guess we will both be dealing with for quite some time, from what I hear.

My H does work with the OW and is in the process of trying to find other employment....but around our area they are pretty hard to comeby....any that pay descent enough anyway. The OW is also a Deacon's wife in our church....so it has been very hard on all fronts.

I feel your devastation. Maybe we can learn to deal together?

Nky