Now I know the truth - 06/02/04 09:20 PM
Hi all,
Sad to say, I believe I have finally found my home on this site:( I have posted a few times on a few other boards months ago when I was struggling to find out what had gone wrong in my marriage and why my husband acted the way he did. I now know of course, and it is like a punch to the gut.
He started an affair with a woman at work last June. They would go to her house for lunch, for their "good time" together. This affair lasted until Feb of this year, and I was just told by my husband last week. I had my suspicions even last summer but he denied it and he was always home after work, so I had no proof.He covered his tracks very well.
*Thanks to those of you who tried to point out that he might be cheating. I wish I would have really gave it more than just a thought.*
We have been together for 7 years, and before the affair we were a great couple. No complaints from either side. (Looking back of course I see major communication problems) In fact, we always believed we had something pretty unique and special. We felt lucky to have that.
It all went downhill when I was in my 6th month of pregnancy. We started out pretty excited about being pregnant, and then in my 3rd trimester I felt him get a bit distant from me. I also was pretty hormonal and reacted like a crazy woman to stuff for awhile. Anyway, our daughter was born and we rejoiced, and things fell back into place...or so I thought.
It was when our daughter was about 6 months old that he began sleeping with the OW. I will admit I was pretty preoccupied with the baby at the time, I had decided to breastfeed for a year and the pregnancy weight was not going away, in fact I put on more weight after. I am 4'11, and have always been a petite girl, but the "after baby body" was killing my self image. I was not feeling sexy at all. I am sure there are other women who can relate.
It doesn't matter anyway, because I have spent the past year doing everything I could to improve things, while he has been having his fun, deceiving me.
In August of last year he finally came out with those dreaded words of I love you, but I'm not in love with you...and divorce was mentioned. I got us in to counseling immediately, to which he agreed and thus we began working on the marriage. Or so I thought.
I also stopped breastfeeding in November and began running 3 times a week. I just fit into my pre-pregnacy pants last week...Boy was that a good feeling! Anyway...
He had fallen in love with this person, and he also didn't want to lose his little girl so he stayed torn and kept the affair hidden from everyone including the counselor. I was kept in limbo for months about the future of our marriage,...although sometime in March he did admit to only an emotional affair with this person.
I am having a lot of trouble dealing with it all now. He says he didn't start out persuing her, that it did just happen, and that over time he fell in love/lust with her. She ended it in Feb, because he was still with me...but he tells me he tried to talk to her to find out why she ended it and she wouldn't respond to him anymore. He also told me he couldn't leave me because he didn't want to basically kick me out. He felt this responsibilty towards me. Now that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.
We separated on March 17, and he went to go stay at a friends. He was having trouble getting over her, at the time I believed it was all about me, and that I still wasn't meeting emotional needs.
He did meet with her for drinks one last time at the end of March to let her know he had moved out and was she still interested. She was not and so he let go.
Over the last month he is all of the sudden noticing me again and showing affection and interest in our family and marriage.This reminder of the man he was before only causes me more saddness and grief.
So here I am, thinking things are improving over the last month...we seem to be doing better and better and he starts talking about coming home and making our marriage better. The the bomb gets dropped and this missing piece to all of this misery of the last year is revealed. According to him he told me about the affair because he could not come back without it in the open. It was "killing him" and he needed me to know how bad he feels...whatever.
I know he is full of it with his "sorrys"...I mean I feel like such 2nd choice. He has not told me he loves me since our daughter was born, and he hasn't said it yet. I think it's because he's been telling her all year those things and it's too weird to start telling me that. I wouldn't believe it anyway. I am really trying to find the silver lining, the ray of hope. He has agreed to find another job immediatley, and he is trying to be sincere...and of course he's saying all the right things except the words I've wanted to hear the most this year...now I just feel so used, lied to, betrayed, abused, and hollow...
Help please...I really could use some guidance.
Rachel
Sad to say, I believe I have finally found my home on this site:( I have posted a few times on a few other boards months ago when I was struggling to find out what had gone wrong in my marriage and why my husband acted the way he did. I now know of course, and it is like a punch to the gut.
He started an affair with a woman at work last June. They would go to her house for lunch, for their "good time" together. This affair lasted until Feb of this year, and I was just told by my husband last week. I had my suspicions even last summer but he denied it and he was always home after work, so I had no proof.He covered his tracks very well.
*Thanks to those of you who tried to point out that he might be cheating. I wish I would have really gave it more than just a thought.*
We have been together for 7 years, and before the affair we were a great couple. No complaints from either side. (Looking back of course I see major communication problems) In fact, we always believed we had something pretty unique and special. We felt lucky to have that.
It all went downhill when I was in my 6th month of pregnancy. We started out pretty excited about being pregnant, and then in my 3rd trimester I felt him get a bit distant from me. I also was pretty hormonal and reacted like a crazy woman to stuff for awhile. Anyway, our daughter was born and we rejoiced, and things fell back into place...or so I thought.
It was when our daughter was about 6 months old that he began sleeping with the OW. I will admit I was pretty preoccupied with the baby at the time, I had decided to breastfeed for a year and the pregnancy weight was not going away, in fact I put on more weight after. I am 4'11, and have always been a petite girl, but the "after baby body" was killing my self image. I was not feeling sexy at all. I am sure there are other women who can relate.
It doesn't matter anyway, because I have spent the past year doing everything I could to improve things, while he has been having his fun, deceiving me.
In August of last year he finally came out with those dreaded words of I love you, but I'm not in love with you...and divorce was mentioned. I got us in to counseling immediately, to which he agreed and thus we began working on the marriage. Or so I thought.
I also stopped breastfeeding in November and began running 3 times a week. I just fit into my pre-pregnacy pants last week...Boy was that a good feeling! Anyway...
He had fallen in love with this person, and he also didn't want to lose his little girl so he stayed torn and kept the affair hidden from everyone including the counselor. I was kept in limbo for months about the future of our marriage,...although sometime in March he did admit to only an emotional affair with this person.
I am having a lot of trouble dealing with it all now. He says he didn't start out persuing her, that it did just happen, and that over time he fell in love/lust with her. She ended it in Feb, because he was still with me...but he tells me he tried to talk to her to find out why she ended it and she wouldn't respond to him anymore. He also told me he couldn't leave me because he didn't want to basically kick me out. He felt this responsibilty towards me. Now that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.
We separated on March 17, and he went to go stay at a friends. He was having trouble getting over her, at the time I believed it was all about me, and that I still wasn't meeting emotional needs.
He did meet with her for drinks one last time at the end of March to let her know he had moved out and was she still interested. She was not and so he let go.
Over the last month he is all of the sudden noticing me again and showing affection and interest in our family and marriage.This reminder of the man he was before only causes me more saddness and grief.
So here I am, thinking things are improving over the last month...we seem to be doing better and better and he starts talking about coming home and making our marriage better. The the bomb gets dropped and this missing piece to all of this misery of the last year is revealed. According to him he told me about the affair because he could not come back without it in the open. It was "killing him" and he needed me to know how bad he feels...whatever.
I know he is full of it with his "sorrys"...I mean I feel like such 2nd choice. He has not told me he loves me since our daughter was born, and he hasn't said it yet. I think it's because he's been telling her all year those things and it's too weird to start telling me that. I wouldn't believe it anyway. I am really trying to find the silver lining, the ray of hope. He has agreed to find another job immediatley, and he is trying to be sincere...and of course he's saying all the right things except the words I've wanted to hear the most this year...now I just feel so used, lied to, betrayed, abused, and hollow...
Help please...I really could use some guidance.
Rachel