Hi all,


Sad to say, I believe I have finally found my home on this site:( I have posted a few times on a few other boards months ago when I was struggling to find out what had gone wrong in my marriage and why my husband acted the way he did. I now know of course, and it is like a punch to the gut.

He started an affair with a woman at work last June. They would go to her house for lunch, for their "good time" together. This affair lasted until Feb of this year, and I was just told by my husband last week. I had my suspicions even last summer but he denied it and he was always home after work, so I had no proof.He covered his tracks very well.

*Thanks to those of you who tried to point out that he might be cheating. I wish I would have really gave it more than just a thought.*

We have been together for 7 years, and before the affair we were a great couple. No complaints from either side. (Looking back of course I see major communication problems) In fact, we always believed we had something pretty unique and special. We felt lucky to have that.

It all went downhill when I was in my 6th month of pregnancy. We started out pretty excited about being pregnant, and then in my 3rd trimester I felt him get a bit distant from me. I also was pretty hormonal and reacted like a crazy woman to stuff for awhile. Anyway, our daughter was born and we rejoiced, and things fell back into place...or so I thought.

It was when our daughter was about 6 months old that he began sleeping with the OW. I will admit I was pretty preoccupied with the baby at the time, I had decided to breastfeed for a year and the pregnancy weight was not going away, in fact I put on more weight after. I am 4'11, and have always been a petite girl, but the "after baby body" was killing my self image. I was not feeling sexy at all. I am sure there are other women who can relate.

It doesn't matter anyway, because I have spent the past year doing everything I could to improve things, while he has been having his fun, deceiving me.

In August of last year he finally came out with those dreaded words of I love you, but I'm not in love with you...and divorce was mentioned. I got us in to counseling immediately, to which he agreed and thus we began working on the marriage. Or so I thought.

I also stopped breastfeeding in November and began running 3 times a week. I just fit into my pre-pregnacy pants last week...Boy was that a good feeling! Anyway...

He had fallen in love with this person, and he also didn't want to lose his little girl so he stayed torn and kept the affair hidden from everyone including the counselor. I was kept in limbo for months about the future of our marriage,...although sometime in March he did admit to only an emotional affair with this person.

I am having a lot of trouble dealing with it all now. He says he didn't start out persuing her, that it did just happen, and that over time he fell in love/lust with her. She ended it in Feb, because he was still with me...but he tells me he tried to talk to her to find out why she ended it and she wouldn't respond to him anymore. He also told me he couldn't leave me because he didn't want to basically kick me out. He felt this responsibilty towards me. Now that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

We separated on March 17, and he went to go stay at a friends. He was having trouble getting over her, at the time I believed it was all about me, and that I still wasn't meeting emotional needs.

He did meet with her for drinks one last time at the end of March to let her know he had moved out and was she still interested. She was not and so he let go.

Over the last month he is all of the sudden noticing me again and showing affection and interest in our family and marriage.This reminder of the man he was before only causes me more saddness and grief.

So here I am, thinking things are improving over the last month...we seem to be doing better and better and he starts talking about coming home and making our marriage better. The the bomb gets dropped and this missing piece to all of this misery of the last year is revealed. According to him he told me about the affair because he could not come back without it in the open. It was "killing him" and he needed me to know how bad he feels...whatever.

I know he is full of it with his "sorrys"...I mean I feel like such 2nd choice. He has not told me he loves me since our daughter was born, and he hasn't said it yet. I think it's because he's been telling her all year those things and it's too weird to start telling me that. I wouldn't believe it anyway. I am really trying to find the silver lining, the ray of hope. He has agreed to find another job immediatley, and he is trying to be sincere...and of course he's saying all the right things except the words I've wanted to hear the most this year...now I just feel so used, lied to, betrayed, abused, and hollow...

Help please...I really could use some guidance.

Rachel

Rachel,
You are angry and you have a right to be. All of the things you shared are not fair and your husband was totally wrong in what he did and his reasons for doing it. But I'd like to offer some perspective from almost 6 1/2 years past where you are tonight.

The fact that your husband is saying and doing all the right things now is actually a good thing. I believe your anger and pain are clouding your ability to know whether he is sincere or not. I know I'm not there and don't know either of you, but I believe that marriage is worth standing firm for, especially when the unfaithful spouse is showing the right signs of being ready to fight for it.

Even though you've had suspicions and been to MB before, finding out the truth is like day one all over again. There is pain, confusion, physical and emotional disruption, and time is what you need to regain your focus.

What you describe sounds to me like your husband is coming out of the proverbial "fog" that is spoken of here so much. I was blessed that mine didn't deal with that, although he did deal with difficulty in seeing the ow for what she really was...maybe that is the same "fog". He just never had a fog about our marriage and know that is unusual.

My suggestion is that you continue or resume counseling and set boundaries with your husband regarding the possible recovery/restoration of your marriage. The fact that he is going to find another job and that he didn't want the secret of the affair between you is huge as far as recovery is concerned.

Take each day one at a time and don't make decisions while you are angry and confused. Do the reading here and let people support and encourage you. From my own experience and belief, it is also important to trust God and look to Him for guidance. Praying, reading the Bible (Psalms and Proverbs), getting a good devotional book (Experiencing God Day by Day is my favorite), and journaling were all an integral part of my personal recovery. Whatever your path, though, move slowly and carefully and believe that restoration is within reach.

Rachel,

Chere I know how much this hurts...I've done it twice and both instances revolved around pregnancies. You said he's "saying all the right things" and that may not seem like much...but I speaking from experience when I say that oftentimes the BS never gets to even hear those words. Every now and then, I see a situation on this board that I think holds more hope of recovering....and yours is one of them.

(((((((((((((rachel)))))))))))))))))

I appreciate the support more than you guys will ever know....

Today he showed his true colors again.

As I said, he has been saying all the right things, but he is not walking the walk. Tonight I got a babysitter so that I could meet with a girlfriend that is moving out of town next week. My husband could not babysit because he is on a volleyball league and had a game tonight. There is no "set" team, just whom ever from work wants to play, they show up for the games. I must mention the games are held on the patio of a popular bar in town.

Anyway, I had told him earlier that I was uncomfortable with him going because the OW might show up. He said not to worry that if she did he would not talk to her, just play the game. I still expressed my anxiety, but let that issue go because it was pointless to argue about it and he seemed irritated that I was nagging about it. Usually his team hangs out for beers after, so I asked if it would be cool to stop by after my evening and have a beer with him. His response was "ok, but me coming would raise eyebrows because no one at work knows we are reconciling yet and because of how small the firm was it would start gossip." I said what does me stopping by for a beer and saying hey have to do with anything. What business is it of anyones anyway? He continued to stress it makes him uncomfortable, but he didn't outright say "no way".

I should insert here a note that for over a year he has shunned me from his work for reasons that I now know are because of the affair.


I definitely felt terribly upset after our call, and stewed as I went out. At around 9:30 tonight I was on my way back home and I was 2 min from the bar, so I called him on his cell to feel him out...you know see how his game and to give it another shot at getting a drink with him. He seemed in really good spirits and before I mentioned the drink I asked if OW had shown up. He said yes. I then asked if she was still there. He said yes. Mind you this is like an hour or so after the game and they are hanging out having a beer? Well I hit the roof and told him I was coming in. He found me and pulled me over to the back of the patio and began to freak out at me. He put on this huge display of disgust and anger. Insulted me and told me he wanted a "f*****" break from all this. ( Mind you he has been partying for the last three months while we've been separated.)He treated me like the scum of the earth and looked at me with such contempt as I stood there trying to explain to him how hanging out with her and having a beer is not working on trust or making things better. He would not hear me...just turned everything around on me. He went on about how everyone at his work is going to talk tomorrow and how I came there just to check up on him..ect ect.. No matter what I said calmly to him he would not hear me only became angrier and basically displayed to all including OW, disrespect, disgust and revulsion towards me. This was more than enough humiliation I could bear. Then he dismissed me without another thought.

I can not do this another day. help.

Rachel

Hi Racheal,

I am sorry for your pain, I haven't any real advice but I wanted you to know I have read your post and you are in my prayers.

Is the OW married? Maybe exposing the A to her H might help, just a thought.

Take care and keep posting.
mtheart

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">His response was "ok, but me coming would raise eyebrows because no one at work knows we are reconciling yet and because of how small the firm was it would start gossip </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Rachel.......this sounds like your the OW....not the W! something totally NOT right about this statement!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Insulted me and told me he wanted a "f*****" break from all this. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A break from what? having two lives? sounds to me like your H is still actively persuing OW?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">basically displayed to all including OW, disrespect, disgust and revulsion towards me. This was more than enough humiliation I could bear. Then he dismissed me without another thought.

I can not do this another day. help.


</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">{{{{{Rachel}}}}} gosh......that would destroy any W! Give him what he wants.....total planB! in other-words listen to your own wisdom and Don't Do the ANOTHER DAY! this is my best advice. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Blessings and prayers,
Atruheart

Hi Rachel - Atruheart is right - it sounds like he still somewhat in a fog, go to Plan B - right him a note and tell him how painful that night was and why, that obviously he still cares for this OW and you have to take care of yourself right now.

I am so sorry you are in this position, Sandy