What to do.... - 09/10/04 04:00 PM
I am new here and I need a bit of perspective. (Sorry this is long)
Been married 11 years, together for 15. My husband has OCD. He has never been
willing to go to a Dr. about this. He has always been a work-a-holic and I accepted this as
he is/was trying hard to provide for us.
Roughly a year ago, he began an affair with a co-worker. During this time, he began
smoking, drinking heavily and going to the casinos. He spent about 5,000 on a new
wardrobe. I thought it was an early mid-life crisis. Stupid, I know.
He quit coming home on a regular basis and I went days with not seeing him. He might
come home at 3 am. or he might walk in at 730 to get work clothes. He always claimed
to have slept in his car or to have gotten a room at the casino.
A few months ago, I quit crying long enough to start looking at the bills. They are all
online and password protected. It took a bit of work, but I found that he was spending
way more than he makes and the cell phone bill clearly showed his calls to another
woman.
He admitted the affair on Aug. 20 and said that he was confused and didn’t know what to
do. He has since said that he wants the marriage to work and that our two boys and I are
what matters.
However, he hasn’t broken ties to the OW. He has admitted to going out with her twice,
but just ‘kissed her goodbye’. He says its complicated as they work together. He says that
he is working on things. He says that it is hard. If I call him at work and ask if he is
coming home, he will say yes. If I ask when, he will not give a time frame. He may or
may not come home. He has spent two ‘days’ with us since Aug. 20. The rest of the
time, it will be him dropping by for a couple hours to pay bills, mow the lawn, etc.
I have gotten angry only once during this time. That was when he took the kids out with
the OW. He didn’t understand why I would be upset! I have showing him how much I
care, making meals he doesn’t come home to eat, telling him that I know it is hard for
him, I’m here to talk, etc. Basically, I was practicing Plan A (before I had heard of it).
I know he has a lot of battles to fight, but he will not seek counseling. I want the
marriage to work, but I cannot accept the OW and his current vices. I am looking for perspective on the situation. Can people give up that many vices? I believe that he finds this hard. He says he was so bothered by the fact that he had an affair that he started the drinking and gambling.
<small>[ September 10, 2004, 11:09 AM: Message edited by: WhyOhWhy ]</small>
Been married 11 years, together for 15. My husband has OCD. He has never been
willing to go to a Dr. about this. He has always been a work-a-holic and I accepted this as
he is/was trying hard to provide for us.
Roughly a year ago, he began an affair with a co-worker. During this time, he began
smoking, drinking heavily and going to the casinos. He spent about 5,000 on a new
wardrobe. I thought it was an early mid-life crisis. Stupid, I know.
He quit coming home on a regular basis and I went days with not seeing him. He might
come home at 3 am. or he might walk in at 730 to get work clothes. He always claimed
to have slept in his car or to have gotten a room at the casino.
A few months ago, I quit crying long enough to start looking at the bills. They are all
online and password protected. It took a bit of work, but I found that he was spending
way more than he makes and the cell phone bill clearly showed his calls to another
woman.
He admitted the affair on Aug. 20 and said that he was confused and didn’t know what to
do. He has since said that he wants the marriage to work and that our two boys and I are
what matters.
However, he hasn’t broken ties to the OW. He has admitted to going out with her twice,
but just ‘kissed her goodbye’. He says its complicated as they work together. He says that
he is working on things. He says that it is hard. If I call him at work and ask if he is
coming home, he will say yes. If I ask when, he will not give a time frame. He may or
may not come home. He has spent two ‘days’ with us since Aug. 20. The rest of the
time, it will be him dropping by for a couple hours to pay bills, mow the lawn, etc.
I have gotten angry only once during this time. That was when he took the kids out with
the OW. He didn’t understand why I would be upset! I have showing him how much I
care, making meals he doesn’t come home to eat, telling him that I know it is hard for
him, I’m here to talk, etc. Basically, I was practicing Plan A (before I had heard of it).
I know he has a lot of battles to fight, but he will not seek counseling. I want the
marriage to work, but I cannot accept the OW and his current vices. I am looking for perspective on the situation. Can people give up that many vices? I believe that he finds this hard. He says he was so bothered by the fact that he had an affair that he started the drinking and gambling.
<small>[ September 10, 2004, 11:09 AM: Message edited by: WhyOhWhy ]</small>