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#450604 09/10/04 11:00 AM
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I am new here and I need a bit of perspective. (Sorry this is long)

Been married 11 years, together for 15. My husband has OCD. He has never been
willing to go to a Dr. about this. He has always been a work-a-holic and I accepted this as
he is/was trying hard to provide for us.

Roughly a year ago, he began an affair with a co-worker. During this time, he began
smoking, drinking heavily and going to the casinos. He spent about 5,000 on a new
wardrobe. I thought it was an early mid-life crisis. Stupid, I know.

He quit coming home on a regular basis and I went days with not seeing him. He might
come home at 3 am. or he might walk in at 730 to get work clothes. He always claimed
to have slept in his car or to have gotten a room at the casino.

A few months ago, I quit crying long enough to start looking at the bills. They are all
online and password protected. It took a bit of work, but I found that he was spending
way more than he makes and the cell phone bill clearly showed his calls to another
woman.

He admitted the affair on Aug. 20 and said that he was confused and didn’t know what to
do. He has since said that he wants the marriage to work and that our two boys and I are
what matters.

However, he hasn’t broken ties to the OW. He has admitted to going out with her twice,
but just ‘kissed her goodbye’. He says its complicated as they work together. He says that
he is working on things. He says that it is hard. If I call him at work and ask if he is
coming home, he will say yes. If I ask when, he will not give a time frame. He may or
may not come home. He has spent two ‘days’ with us since Aug. 20. The rest of the
time, it will be him dropping by for a couple hours to pay bills, mow the lawn, etc.

I have gotten angry only once during this time. That was when he took the kids out with
the OW. He didn’t understand why I would be upset! I have showing him how much I
care, making meals he doesn’t come home to eat, telling him that I know it is hard for
him, I’m here to talk, etc. Basically, I was practicing Plan A (before I had heard of it).


I know he has a lot of battles to fight, but he will not seek counseling. I want the
marriage to work, but I cannot accept the OW and his current vices. I am looking for perspective on the situation. Can people give up that many vices? I believe that he finds this hard. He says he was so bothered by the fact that he had an affair that he started the drinking and gambling.

<small>[ September 10, 2004, 11:09 AM: Message edited by: WhyOhWhy ]</small>

#450605 09/10/04 11:21 AM
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Thought I should add, he will only say "we'll see" when I suggest counseling. I've asked him to look at this site and he has no interest. He also claims that he hates to read and I'm almost positive that he won't look thru any books or the information on this site if even if I print it off for him.

#450606 09/11/04 12:33 AM
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Friday’s and weekends are usually slow around here. I hope you more perspectives than mine before next week.

I’m a very strong proponent of Plan A. But for Plan A to work you have to be around your H. He’s only been home for two days in the last 20, Spending more $ than he makes and still seeing OW.

My first bit of advice would be to seek some legal counsel to make sure you are financially protected; he’s spending your children’s future on the OW. Personally I’d close the joint accounts and cancel the credit cards (if your name is on the card or on the application you are liable for half of his debt.)

Plan A is not about letting a WS have their cake and eat it too. It is about changing yourself in a positive manner, and yes trying to meet your WS emotional needs in an effort to get them to commit to trying to save the M. Walking all over you is not a valid EN and you don’t have meet that one.

It might be time for some tough love in your household.

God Bless,
Oz

#450607 09/10/04 01:45 PM
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why

your H has some major problems, no doubt of that, however I do think he is using it to his advantage. To me the OW is around as long as the cash & good times are there.

I really think you need to protect youself & the children first right now. Your H is an adult & has to take responsibility for his actions.

First secure YOUR home, its the roof over your head, if you dont I think you will find the bailiff on your door step saying he is taking possession of it for debts.

Then get a order for support.

Until your H is prepared to act responsibly, you are going to have to do it for him.

I know this is VERY tough, you have done a mighty job so far keeping it all together. You need to set some boundaries so your H cant just breeze into and out of the lives of you and the children. Nothing wrong with saying to him that hes welcome HOME anytime, but he has to stay, right now he is treating you & the children like a mistress...thats just crap.

I dont doubt that his condition is affecting his decision making in some ways, however, that will not stop the debt collectors calling on YOU.

Sorry Why, I dont see a very easy way for you right now. Make sure you go to a lawyer and protect those kids.
After THAT, you may want to discuss here a altered Plan A or B as the case may be.

#450608 09/10/04 02:27 PM
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I do have an appointment with a lawyer late this month, but I really have no idea what to expect or what course of action to take.

I guess I will mention to the lawyer that I need to protect the kids and myself financially and I am guessing that means a legal seperation....not too sure as this is all new to me.

I have left the finances as they are because I don't know how to "rob Peter to pay Paul" so to speak. He has it down to an art form and I don't think any bills are delinquent at this point. That is a very ugly side-effect of this whole mess and at the moment it is almost too much to think about.

I will have to do some research and figure out what to tell the lawyer. Does anyone know if a seperation is the only way to protect myself financially? Part of me is hesitant to give the impression that it's over....the other part of me feels that I need to make a stand.

Btw, I am a sahm and this makes it even harder as I have been out of the job market for so long and have no marketable skills past that of minimum wage-type positions. The future seems rather frightening....

#450609 09/11/04 01:11 AM
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It does not have to be over why.
A legal sparation will protect you & the kids. The thing is, that with the borrowing from Peter to pay Paul, sooner or later Peter wants his money...then it all collapses. Now while he was not gambling so much, his salary kept it all afloat and he could pay Peter..... now ??????

You have been supporting your H in his EN's now for so long that he has taken it for granted. He may not even mean to be doing this & his condition may be responsible fo some of this behaviour, however, once he took a lover he has taken a step beyond such excuses.

Why, you need to seek financial support from your H and to ensure it comes from his salary BEFORE he gets it or you will never see it with his gambling habits. MAke sure you tell the lawyer this.
It may be possible that your H will agree voluntarily to a separation agreement or he may fight it of course.
If he agrees, it would be a lot easier on you & the kids. If he wants to fight or gets all indignant remind HIM that its not you having the affair and & its not you who does not come home for days & weeks on end & that you have to protect yourself & the kids from his actions. Now dont yell & scream at him, that would be no help at all no matter how much he may deserve it & may make things more complicated later on.

I would suggest his life is one of hectic running around and of little contentment at the moment.
What you need to do is project that you & the kids are an island of calm and sanity amongst the roller coaster ride his life has become.

I suggest you get some good advice right now on how to fight for your M and H. Can you afford Steve Harleys or one of the Harleys to give you advice right now? If your card of H's card is ok etc then use it to good effect.
They do this counselling by phone and have been very good in providing people with the tools to win this battle. All you have to do is go to the top of he MB forum page & click on 'counsel' and follow the directions there.

I think you are doing the best you can right now

#450610 09/11/04 01:27 AM
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why
here are some places you & your H can investigate to try & get his OCD under control...

www.amoryn.com
www.mindinstructor.com
www.help-for.com/stop-ocd.htm
www.BeatingOCD.com
www.gendb.net/ocd_program.aspx
http://www.ocfoundation.org/ - Cached

#450611 09/11/04 11:19 PM
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Thank you so much for the links. As for the separation: he claims that he will not stand in my way if that is what I feel I need to do. He's quite the noble fella these days.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

As for the counseling, I will have to look into it. I'm not sure what I can afford, to tell the truth. I know I have insurance that would cover a therapist here so I will have to look into things as it sounds like the Harley's would probably offer excellent advice whereas I'm not sure what will happen with a local person.

My bithday is Monday, and for some reason I really expected him to be home this weekend. Another stupidity on my behalf. Haven't seen him at all. He did email me from work and sent me a link to a job posting half way across the country. I'm not so sure what to think about that.

My first instinct tells me that he is trying to take the easy way out by moving and then proceeding with a phone affair. I know he will be fired from work if they find out that he is seeing OW. So, I'm thinking he is trying to prevent losing his job more than he is trying to prevent losing his wife and children.

I also am struggling with the idea of moving across the country without him showing me that I am the one and only for him.


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