Plan A in progress BUT ..... - 02/05/09 04:47 PM
Hello Everyone
I had this post in the emotional needs section. The replies suggested I move it here to the infidelity section to seek advice on what to do so here it is..........................................................
Thank you to the people who replied to my previous post. You suggested that I read and read and read and implement Plan A which I did over the Xmas break.
I've avoided all love busters.
I've made every effort to satisfy his emotional needs.
I've been radically honestly about my feelings about many things especially the female passenger / companion he takes out weekly, monthly and to special club events.
Over the 6 weeks when his club has been in recess and thanks to Plan A, he and I have been particularly close. We've talked as never before; we've spent hours and hours together, we've done activities together; we've had fun together; the old closeness has returned. Plan A has worked in spectacular fashion.
BUT
the EN I haven't been able to address is the one about sharing recreational activities.
We went out. I suggested I join him in his favourite activity. "NO !!!!!" was his reply. Then, and at other times, he's made it abundantly clear that he doesn't want me to share this activity.
His club meets weekly. It started with him "just giving her a lift". She lives not far away and it's quite a distance to their club, she says she can't drive at night so he used to pick her up, run her there and run her back again to and from the weekly events.
She used to wait for him at her letterbox. Now he drives up her drive, knocks on her door and before they set out, he says he has a coffee with her.
6 months since this started, he now picks her up and spends most of his time at the weekly club meetings with her. He also runs her to the monthly event and last month, she went with him to an annual event held in another province.
They're together for 5 hours a week at their club meeting, 13 hours a week when the monthly event is on and when the annual event was held, they were together for 17 hours that week.
I've heard that the people at his club see him and his companion as a potential couple. Her sister even suggested they get married. I was told it was a joke. (Many a true word is spoken in jest). He said they all know about me but when one of them called up, he was surprised that I answered the phone. I suspect the people at his club don't know that I exist or if they do, they don't know I'm still here.
He's been quite emphatic that he doesn't like his female passenger / companion "in that way" and that he's not having an affair with her. He insists that he just feels sorry for her and that's why he's been to her house during the day when I'm at work to do repairs for her.
I've told him how I feel about him spending so much time with this woman (radical honesty). To say he was stunned when he heard how I feel is an understatement. He had NO idea at all of my feelings about his involvement with his club and the other woman. He also had NO idea how his behaviour was affecting me and my feelings for him. He still has NO idea how close I came to leaving him last year. 3 times, I had my bag packed and hidden in my car ready to leave.
As a result of radical honesty and Plan A,
over the Xmas period when his club was in recess,
-he showered me with attention;
-he stopped criticising me which he used to do endlessly;
-he started praising me;
-he showered me with complements;
-he used to ignore me; now he greets me when I get home from work
-he now kisses me goodbye before I leave for work
-he suggested activities for us to do;
-we spent leisure and quality time together and
-----things improved drastically
BUT
now that the club year has started up, he plans to volunteer for the committee (= even more time away), to continue chauffeuring his passenger / companion around and to spend his leisure time mostly with her and sometimes with other women at the club (he boasts to me about the women he's spent time with).
The only time he and I have been going out socially in the past couple of years has been to an annual event put on by my work at the start of each year. He's always gone with me before. This year, it clashes with one of the weekend activities at his club. As usual, I invited him to come. This year, he made excuses not to. Instead, he and his female companion will be going to his club activity and I will go to my work activity alone.
Plan A worked spectatularly when his club was in recess and when he wasn't seeing his female passenger / companion. Now that the club's up and running again, the situation between him and I has deteriorated back to what it was last year when I was ready to leave.
What do you think?
What now?
What do I do?
Where do I go to from here?
I'm stuck and really have no idea at all what to do.
Your suggestions will be greatly appreciated.
I had this post in the emotional needs section. The replies suggested I move it here to the infidelity section to seek advice on what to do so here it is..........................................................
Thank you to the people who replied to my previous post. You suggested that I read and read and read and implement Plan A which I did over the Xmas break.
I've avoided all love busters.
I've made every effort to satisfy his emotional needs.
I've been radically honestly about my feelings about many things especially the female passenger / companion he takes out weekly, monthly and to special club events.
Over the 6 weeks when his club has been in recess and thanks to Plan A, he and I have been particularly close. We've talked as never before; we've spent hours and hours together, we've done activities together; we've had fun together; the old closeness has returned. Plan A has worked in spectacular fashion.
BUT
the EN I haven't been able to address is the one about sharing recreational activities.
We went out. I suggested I join him in his favourite activity. "NO !!!!!" was his reply. Then, and at other times, he's made it abundantly clear that he doesn't want me to share this activity.
His club meets weekly. It started with him "just giving her a lift". She lives not far away and it's quite a distance to their club, she says she can't drive at night so he used to pick her up, run her there and run her back again to and from the weekly events.
She used to wait for him at her letterbox. Now he drives up her drive, knocks on her door and before they set out, he says he has a coffee with her.
6 months since this started, he now picks her up and spends most of his time at the weekly club meetings with her. He also runs her to the monthly event and last month, she went with him to an annual event held in another province.
They're together for 5 hours a week at their club meeting, 13 hours a week when the monthly event is on and when the annual event was held, they were together for 17 hours that week.
I've heard that the people at his club see him and his companion as a potential couple. Her sister even suggested they get married. I was told it was a joke. (Many a true word is spoken in jest). He said they all know about me but when one of them called up, he was surprised that I answered the phone. I suspect the people at his club don't know that I exist or if they do, they don't know I'm still here.
He's been quite emphatic that he doesn't like his female passenger / companion "in that way" and that he's not having an affair with her. He insists that he just feels sorry for her and that's why he's been to her house during the day when I'm at work to do repairs for her.
I've told him how I feel about him spending so much time with this woman (radical honesty). To say he was stunned when he heard how I feel is an understatement. He had NO idea at all of my feelings about his involvement with his club and the other woman. He also had NO idea how his behaviour was affecting me and my feelings for him. He still has NO idea how close I came to leaving him last year. 3 times, I had my bag packed and hidden in my car ready to leave.
As a result of radical honesty and Plan A,
over the Xmas period when his club was in recess,
-he showered me with attention;
-he stopped criticising me which he used to do endlessly;
-he started praising me;
-he showered me with complements;
-he used to ignore me; now he greets me when I get home from work
-he now kisses me goodbye before I leave for work
-he suggested activities for us to do;
-we spent leisure and quality time together and
-----things improved drastically
BUT
now that the club year has started up, he plans to volunteer for the committee (= even more time away), to continue chauffeuring his passenger / companion around and to spend his leisure time mostly with her and sometimes with other women at the club (he boasts to me about the women he's spent time with).
The only time he and I have been going out socially in the past couple of years has been to an annual event put on by my work at the start of each year. He's always gone with me before. This year, it clashes with one of the weekend activities at his club. As usual, I invited him to come. This year, he made excuses not to. Instead, he and his female companion will be going to his club activity and I will go to my work activity alone.
Plan A worked spectatularly when his club was in recess and when he wasn't seeing his female passenger / companion. Now that the club's up and running again, the situation between him and I has deteriorated back to what it was last year when I was ready to leave.
What do you think?
What now?
What do I do?
Where do I go to from here?
I'm stuck and really have no idea at all what to do.
Your suggestions will be greatly appreciated.