Hello Everyone

I had this post in the emotional needs section. The replies suggested I move it here to the infidelity section to seek advice on what to do so here it is..........................................................

Thank you to the people who replied to my previous post. You suggested that I read and read and read and implement Plan A which I did over the Xmas break.
I've avoided all love busters.
I've made every effort to satisfy his emotional needs.
I've been radically honestly about my feelings about many things especially the female passenger / companion he takes out weekly, monthly and to special club events.

Over the 6 weeks when his club has been in recess and thanks to Plan A, he and I have been particularly close. We've talked as never before; we've spent hours and hours together, we've done activities together; we've had fun together; the old closeness has returned. Plan A has worked in spectacular fashion.

BUT

the EN I haven't been able to address is the one about sharing recreational activities.

We went out. I suggested I join him in his favourite activity. "NO !!!!!" was his reply. Then, and at other times, he's made it abundantly clear that he doesn't want me to share this activity.

His club meets weekly. It started with him "just giving her a lift". She lives not far away and it's quite a distance to their club, she says she can't drive at night so he used to pick her up, run her there and run her back again to and from the weekly events.

She used to wait for him at her letterbox. Now he drives up her drive, knocks on her door and before they set out, he says he has a coffee with her.

6 months since this started, he now picks her up and spends most of his time at the weekly club meetings with her. He also runs her to the monthly event and last month, she went with him to an annual event held in another province.

They're together for 5 hours a week at their club meeting, 13 hours a week when the monthly event is on and when the annual event was held, they were together for 17 hours that week.

I've heard that the people at his club see him and his companion as a potential couple. Her sister even suggested they get married. I was told it was a joke. (Many a true word is spoken in jest). He said they all know about me but when one of them called up, he was surprised that I answered the phone. I suspect the people at his club don't know that I exist or if they do, they don't know I'm still here.

He's been quite emphatic that he doesn't like his female passenger / companion "in that way" and that he's not having an affair with her. He insists that he just feels sorry for her and that's why he's been to her house during the day when I'm at work to do repairs for her.

I've told him how I feel about him spending so much time with this woman (radical honesty). To say he was stunned when he heard how I feel is an understatement. He had NO idea at all of my feelings about his involvement with his club and the other woman. He also had NO idea how his behaviour was affecting me and my feelings for him. He still has NO idea how close I came to leaving him last year. 3 times, I had my bag packed and hidden in my car ready to leave.

As a result of radical honesty and Plan A,
over the Xmas period when his club was in recess,
-he showered me with attention;
-he stopped criticising me which he used to do endlessly;
-he started praising me;
-he showered me with complements;
-he used to ignore me; now he greets me when I get home from work
-he now kisses me goodbye before I leave for work
-he suggested activities for us to do;
-we spent leisure and quality time together and
-----things improved drastically

BUT

now that the club year has started up, he plans to volunteer for the committee (= even more time away), to continue chauffeuring his passenger / companion around and to spend his leisure time mostly with her and sometimes with other women at the club (he boasts to me about the women he's spent time with).

The only time he and I have been going out socially in the past couple of years has been to an annual event put on by my work at the start of each year. He's always gone with me before. This year, it clashes with one of the weekend activities at his club. As usual, I invited him to come. This year, he made excuses not to. Instead, he and his female companion will be going to his club activity and I will go to my work activity alone.

Plan A worked spectatularly when his club was in recess and when he wasn't seeing his female passenger / companion. Now that the club's up and running again, the situation between him and I has deteriorated back to what it was last year when I was ready to leave.

What do you think?
What now?
What do I do?
Where do I go to from here?

I'm stuck and really have no idea at all what to do.
Your suggestions will be greatly appreciated.

You are only stuck if you choose to be. Why don't you just show up at one of his club meetings and observe the reactions of all? Your WH is full of crap to act surprised that he had no idea how his behavior is affecting you. GMAFB. No man keeps going over to another woman's house while his wife is at work to do repairs. Please tell me you aren't buying this BS.

What sort of club is this? Do you have children?

There are no children involved.
It's a rock'n'roll club.

He says this type of dancing is his life, his passion, &tc.
He says I've kept him from doing it.
He says he won't be kept from it ever again.
Blah blah blah.

He and his companion dance together. He says it's because he feels sorry for her because no-one else will dance with her.
He also boasted that he danced with 5 other women at his last weekend dance.

He went to her house when her relatives were going to be there so that nothing could happen, he said.

He was most indignant when I asked him if they're having an affair and denied it emphatically, of course.

They're going to a dance tonight.
I don't know if I'm brave enough to just turn up after I've been to my annual work barbeque.

Then blow off the barbeque. Your M is at risk and you are worried about showing up with bbq sauce on your shirt?

If you won't do anything and allow your WH to put his "dancing" ahead of you, you will either be a miserable married woman. Since you have no children, if WH doesn't wake up then I'd say Plan D.

I'd join that club. Free country. WH can't forbid you to not join.

Yes I said WH. Experience here has show that your WH is in an EA if not a PA at this point.

"He said they all know about me but when one of them called up, he was surprised that I answered the phone. I suspect the people at his club don't know that I exist or if they do, they don't know I'm still here."

He's probaly told club members you are separated. Maybe even told this lie to OW.

She knows about me. I've been to her house. When they were both there, he had his arms crossed over his chest and she didn't reply to what I said without glancing at him first to see if it was alright to reply. I couldn't pick up from her body language whether they were on intimate terms or not. His body language said that he looked down on her and pitied her.
What to make of this I don't know.

Do you believe your WH is cheating or not?

When he and I were at her place, his arms were crossed over his chest.
I looked up a body language website and found

"When a person crosses his arms, it may mean the following ........
He may be hiding something from you, or may even be lying.
A person engages in this protective posture when he feels anxious or nervous".

I don't know what whether he's hiding something from me (how involved are they?) or lying (about his involvement with her?).

If he is, it would explain him being anxious and nervous because he's risking loosing everything over something.
If he's not, he'd still be anxious and nervous because he's risking loosing everything over nothing.

So, in answer to your question, I believe he's having an emotional affair but I'm not sure about an actual affair.

Oy. Robyn, the man is cheating. I don't know any man that behaves the way your WH is and isn't unzipping his pants. You may not want to believe it but all indicators tell otherwise. You may get more traffic to your thread if you request the admin to move it to GQs. However, if you don't want to expose and hope he feels guilty and stops, then good luck to you because you are in for a lot of heartache. Hope is not a strategy.