This Is So Hard - 04/24/09 01:48 PM
Hello,
Married for almost 6 years and have been together for 11. Over the past 5 or so years we've been increasingly growing apart. During that time hostility has grwon and fights became common. About 1.5 yrs ago I started an affair with a co-worker and successfully hid it from her. After a time, I decided to stop the affair and wanted to reconcile but the emotions of withdrawl from the split led me to linger for several months. During this time, she started her own affair with a co-worker (she swears its emotional but I don't believe that) and I discovered in Feb. Shock quickly turned to anger and I told her parents about what she had done (not with full details...I don't even know) but with enough information to infuriate her. A few months passed and she refused to stop seeing him and became even more distant. I begged, pleaded and threatened with no results. At one point she moved in with him for a week but returned home (mostly because I believe she's worried about being discovered.) During the time of her "departure" I told her of my own affair. It is totally over (person lives in another state) but that only seemed to fuel the fire. Now she has become even more enraged that I got the time to "do my thing" and come to my own conclusions and she is just supposed to break it off...something she says she's not ready to do. She has says she loves this guy but I don't believe she feels there is a long term future with him. I feel that she may be able to attempt to work on things with me, but not until she feels she has made her own decision. Its incredibly difficult.
I am currently in therapy and have been recommended to use the "Plan A" approach (slightly modified...lay low but do not angry her or judge her in attempts of showing her how I've changed.) This is only been going on for a week or two as previous to that I was threatening her with divorce and exposure of the whole thinng. We had a "talk" last night (after she announced she was "going out"...she never specifically says where she's going) and I got emotional but did not attack. I told her how much I loved her and was sorry for what I had done (but with the affair and, more importantly, with neglecting her emotions) and how I wanted to work on our marriage and stop being the source of her unhappiness. She said "just didn't know" and claims she is very upset about my affair (and how it wasn't revealed until I annouced what she had done to "everyone") and, more importantly, how I had told her parents. She has always had a love/hate relationship with them...they are very controling. Her father will not speak to her but they return from Florida today. After our conversation, she did leave the house for a few hours...I did not follow but didn't need to.
I want to continue to work on my marriage, not be judgemental and give Plan A a full chance to work. Do you think its too late? She hasn't left but has mentioned separation a few times (I say I'm not ready.) When I asked what it would take to get her to work on the marriage she said "a miracle."
I feel Lost her but know I need to be strong. Anyone have any similar experiences or advice to share? I would appreciate some. Looking for a little more hope.
Married for almost 6 years and have been together for 11. Over the past 5 or so years we've been increasingly growing apart. During that time hostility has grwon and fights became common. About 1.5 yrs ago I started an affair with a co-worker and successfully hid it from her. After a time, I decided to stop the affair and wanted to reconcile but the emotions of withdrawl from the split led me to linger for several months. During this time, she started her own affair with a co-worker (she swears its emotional but I don't believe that) and I discovered in Feb. Shock quickly turned to anger and I told her parents about what she had done (not with full details...I don't even know) but with enough information to infuriate her. A few months passed and she refused to stop seeing him and became even more distant. I begged, pleaded and threatened with no results. At one point she moved in with him for a week but returned home (mostly because I believe she's worried about being discovered.) During the time of her "departure" I told her of my own affair. It is totally over (person lives in another state) but that only seemed to fuel the fire. Now she has become even more enraged that I got the time to "do my thing" and come to my own conclusions and she is just supposed to break it off...something she says she's not ready to do. She has says she loves this guy but I don't believe she feels there is a long term future with him. I feel that she may be able to attempt to work on things with me, but not until she feels she has made her own decision. Its incredibly difficult.
I am currently in therapy and have been recommended to use the "Plan A" approach (slightly modified...lay low but do not angry her or judge her in attempts of showing her how I've changed.) This is only been going on for a week or two as previous to that I was threatening her with divorce and exposure of the whole thinng. We had a "talk" last night (after she announced she was "going out"...she never specifically says where she's going) and I got emotional but did not attack. I told her how much I loved her and was sorry for what I had done (but with the affair and, more importantly, with neglecting her emotions) and how I wanted to work on our marriage and stop being the source of her unhappiness. She said "just didn't know" and claims she is very upset about my affair (and how it wasn't revealed until I annouced what she had done to "everyone") and, more importantly, how I had told her parents. She has always had a love/hate relationship with them...they are very controling. Her father will not speak to her but they return from Florida today. After our conversation, she did leave the house for a few hours...I did not follow but didn't need to.
I want to continue to work on my marriage, not be judgemental and give Plan A a full chance to work. Do you think its too late? She hasn't left but has mentioned separation a few times (I say I'm not ready.) When I asked what it would take to get her to work on the marriage she said "a miracle."
I feel Lost her but know I need to be strong. Anyone have any similar experiences or advice to share? I would appreciate some. Looking for a little more hope.