Hello,

Married for almost 6 years and have been together for 11. Over the past 5 or so years we've been increasingly growing apart. During that time hostility has grwon and fights became common. About 1.5 yrs ago I started an affair with a co-worker and successfully hid it from her. After a time, I decided to stop the affair and wanted to reconcile but the emotions of withdrawl from the split led me to linger for several months. During this time, she started her own affair with a co-worker (she swears its emotional but I don't believe that) and I discovered in Feb. Shock quickly turned to anger and I told her parents about what she had done (not with full details...I don't even know) but with enough information to infuriate her. A few months passed and she refused to stop seeing him and became even more distant. I begged, pleaded and threatened with no results. At one point she moved in with him for a week but returned home (mostly because I believe she's worried about being discovered.) During the time of her "departure" I told her of my own affair. It is totally over (person lives in another state) but that only seemed to fuel the fire. Now she has become even more enraged that I got the time to "do my thing" and come to my own conclusions and she is just supposed to break it off...something she says she's not ready to do. She has says she loves this guy but I don't believe she feels there is a long term future with him. I feel that she may be able to attempt to work on things with me, but not until she feels she has made her own decision. Its incredibly difficult.

I am currently in therapy and have been recommended to use the "Plan A" approach (slightly modified...lay low but do not angry her or judge her in attempts of showing her how I've changed.) This is only been going on for a week or two as previous to that I was threatening her with divorce and exposure of the whole thinng. We had a "talk" last night (after she announced she was "going out"...she never specifically says where she's going) and I got emotional but did not attack. I told her how much I loved her and was sorry for what I had done (but with the affair and, more importantly, with neglecting her emotions) and how I wanted to work on our marriage and stop being the source of her unhappiness. She said "just didn't know" and claims she is very upset about my affair (and how it wasn't revealed until I annouced what she had done to "everyone") and, more importantly, how I had told her parents. She has always had a love/hate relationship with them...they are very controling. Her father will not speak to her but they return from Florida today. After our conversation, she did leave the house for a few hours...I did not follow but didn't need to.

I want to continue to work on my marriage, not be judgemental and give Plan A a full chance to work. Do you think its too late? She hasn't left but has mentioned separation a few times (I say I'm not ready.) When I asked what it would take to get her to work on the marriage she said "a miracle."

I feel Lost her but know I need to be strong. Anyone have any similar experiences or advice to share? I would appreciate some. Looking for a little more hope.

Excuse me? I don't quite understand how you feel you have any right to be judgmental.

Of what?

That her affair is newer?

That she got caught and you didn't?

Do you not think she was aware there was something wrong with how you treated her while you were having your fling? That your treatment might, in fact, have contributed to her seeking her needs met elsewhere?

How about you go back to the table of humility and see what crow tastes like. There's nothing you can do to deserve your wife until you reach that point.

Then we can discuss how you can get your marriage back in one piece.

I don't think I was clear enough: I do not condone what I did and she did have an idea that I was not faithful. I have confessed what I did not just to her but to our entire family. It was difficult but it was definitely the right thing to do and I feel so much better for doing it (even though everyone's opinion of me has dropped considerably...but that is deserved.)

I have tasted humility and I had it coming. My experience (and the subsequent discovery of what she did) did, however, lead me to understand with great clarity how our marriage deteroriated and how we got to where we are. I accept my fair share of the blame and I understand what's she's going through right now. The reason I confessed to her was that I DID understand and I wanted her to know that fact. I wanted her to understand that I cannot pass judgment as I erred as she did. She is ANGRY at me for my affair and I will stand up and take what's coming to me. She is free to let me have it whenever she wants.

I would like to hear some opinions on how I can repair my marriage. I know in my heart that it is worth saving but she is not convinced...am I supposed to believe that because I had an A as well she is correct? That question is not posed in jest.

I'm good with doing Plan A for as long as I need to simply because of what I did. Like I said in my first post I have not revealed the full extent of what she's doing even though I now understand that's part of Plan A. I feel that will drive her away for good due to relationship with her family.

Sorry to seem like a hypocrite in the first post...looking back I glossed over some major facts!

OK, where to start.

First, you will never get her back until she no longer has any contact with OM. Until then, there is no marriage to save and nothing you do with make any bit of difference. Because she will always have him to fall back on.

Frankly, you would have someone to fall back on, too, if your OW wasn't in another state, so it's hardly fair to expect her to just up and quit the one thing she is enjoying, without a good reason.

Some spouses get the WS to give up the OM by making an ultimatum. Unfortunately, you have pretty much screwed up your own leverage by starting the whole thing. So the only way she will decide to give up OM is if you (1) continue exposing to everyone else who will put pressure on BOTH of them (that means exposing to OM's family and friends), and (2) learn about Love Busters and Emotional Needs and do a high-level Plan A to show her what she would be giving up.

She may choose you, she may not. But at the least, you will have learned a valuable lesson and will have learned how to be a better person and spouse.

fwiw, this:
I have confessed what I did not just to her but to our entire family. It was difficult but it was definitely the right thing to do and I feel so much better for doing it
is disconcerting. You don't confess to feel better. You confess to HELP YOUR WIFE get through your infidelity. I'm concerned that your motives are more based on making yourself happy than on being a good person. There's the crow I was talking about.

And remember, just as you are entitled to leave her for her having an affair, SHE is entitled to leave YOU.

I second everything cat said. You MUST use both the carrot and the stick of Plan A.

And keep your own nose clean from this point forward.

Funny how you never really "get" how it feels till the shoe's on the other foot... That's how much you hurt HER, and now she feels entitled to step out and get some illicit goodies too.

Do you know why you had an affair?

You got lots of reading and work to do. Albany. Get a copy of "Surviving An Affair," "His Needs Her Needs" and "Love Busters." (Local bookstore, or the MB bookstore linked on the home page.)

Read, learn, apply liberally.

Good luck.

Right Here Waiting