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well i found out a couple of weeks ago that my H was having a FULL ON LOVE A! We just had our 1st wedding anniversary March 10th, 2001. He meet the OW May 2001 and started seeing her July 2001. Our son was born June 1, 2001. So basicly my H was seeing the OW when our son was only 1 month old and our marriage was just a few months new. Not to mention I was suffering from postpartum depression. Around November was when I realy felt like he was seeing someone. All of the obvious signs. And lying to his grave. All along I acted like I knew he was seeing someone else. Their were just so many little things popping up. So I became Inspector Gadget ( i dont know how healthy that was). Well he was lying sooo much that I just had to uncover the real truth ( mostly for my own sanity). I felt like I was going crazy! And I am still dealing with my recovery from postpartum ( am being treated for it). I seeked professional help from a private investigator. Then I relized I realy didnt want to uncover the truth because no matter what I wanted to make our marriage work. Well, I couldnt stop myself from playing detective ,and guess what? I solved my own case! My smart H left VIDEOS of him and the OW in a secrect compartment that I never knew about before ( I sure did this time). All of the proof I needed was all on the tapes! Everything! Their was no lying this time.During the time of my crazyness I relized I needed help for my self. Thank God I got it ( and am still continueing it). Had I not gotten that help I dont know how I would have reacted when I found those tapes. But because of my new found strength I was ready for it. After making myself view the tapes ( yes it was pretty much a porno tape) ( I dont know how healthy that was eaither but I had to uncover the entire truth and I needed to get her name) I picked myself up , called the investigator again and said help me unleash this the right way. I didnt want to go off on my H. I wanted to take care of myself and my kids first( I also have a 10 yr old girl), decide what I wanted, and how I was going to get it. I wanted to play all of my cards right. I knew the best way to get at my H was with his reputation. He has this rep for being the BEST GUY . He would never do anything like that? yeah right! But because I was bettering myself I realy didnt want to be vendictive. I was focusing my energy on myself and my kids.So the tention was building up so bad in the house. He had no idea that I knew about the tapes. So he just kept on lieing and turning everything around on me. Saying he was acting like that because of me blah, blah, blah. Well it got to the point where he wanted to end it cause he just couldnt see any help for us. So thats when I dropped the BIG BOMB!! Boy he pooped his pants big time and of corse tryed to get out of it by saying " ok so now what are we going to do" . I said " not so fast, you arnt getting away with this that easy. Well for the next week he suffered from major depression, all of our friends, and family knew. His whole world came crumbling down and I didnt even have to lift a finger. On his own he decided he needed to turn his life around and make everything right again. He started by letting her go. Looking for a new job ( she works right by him), staying home, calling me constantly from work or the road, showing much love and affection, letting me talk about the whole A with him as part of my recovery, and he's being understanding. We are getting along and working on our marriage. We both feel this marriage and our baby needs a chance. We also discovered that we have a deep, deep love for each other that never went away. We found something worth fighting for. He says he realy lost his way and he took it too far. I want to see us pull through this. But theirs another part of me that says how the hell can I ever trust him again? Who is this man I married? How can a human being do ALL of this to someone after having their baby? Will he do this again? Is he still doing this? How can he cut it off with her so easily when he feel so deep in it with her? So many questions. Im trying to hang in there. Im trying to be strong . And im trying to set my boundries. This is the only chance he has. I cant take this again. Im giving him some time and if I have any suspisions I will uncover them again and move on from there. But I will only do it when Im ready to pack my bags and up root my kids. Im a stay home mom. We live in my in laws home. I dont have any parents or family besides my 2 sisters. I need to get my self together before I make any rash decisions. But Theirs that part of me that says I know we can get through this. And I love my H so much. My emotions change like the wind. I just cant wait for the peace and clearity. I cant wait till all of these thoughts of them get out of my head. I guess I just have to take this one day at a time.Any advise? Please. Hope I didnt ramble on too much. I needed to vent .

P I,You probably already read most about MB, the basic concept and Q&A. If not starts from there. Two things you have to make sure, first is no contact and let your H carries the burdun of prove ... let him prove it to your satisfactions. Second, make sure you & your H abide the 4 rules of recoveries ... care (fillin each other ENs), protections (avoid LB at any cost), time (spend as much as you can in quality times), and honesty (open up each other heart).There are many had travel this path and they are stonger and happier living in fullfiling M. It will take awhile to get there and when you get there you both will feel like a soulmate ... this A will be a distant past.Good Luck -RH-[ April 02, 2002: Message edited by: redhat ]

Thanks RH,Finaly someone wrote me! I need to talk to someone. This is so hard. Im hanging in there. Sometimes I dont know if I can. My question is how do I realy know my H has stoped seeing the OW? And do my H and I read all the MB info together, do we work on it together or is it just me? It seems he shouldnt know all of the info , then he would know the plan? Im not sure but I would like some advice. He says he let her go and he is home all the time, being more loving and affectionate, doing pretty good actualy. The only thing is he could still be in contact with her from work. They work right by each other. My mind wanders and thinks " what if he is telling her lets keep it cool for a while then we can see more of each other later". I know I shouldnt think up my own thoughts and drive my self crazy but hes lied to me so bad I dont know what to believe. And how could he just let her go so easily ? I dont know. What should I do? Trust him and work on this marriage together? Please help! By the way he has been looking for a new job so he can relocate.P I

P I,You have to judge it yourself. If you have a doubt, you should not tall him at all about this site. This site is your support system. What you should do is print out LBQ and ENQ ask him to fill it up, use those for your plan A but never tell him what you are doing until the appropriate time. Another approach is get H to read SAA and HNHN and start recovery by following 4 rules of recovery ... care, protection, time and honesty. It is your call. If you could afford it you should ask your H if he is willing to work with MC, then call MB for schedule appointment.There is no way for you to know if there is a contact at work. However by him start looking at other work place, it should give some deposit in your LB$. For male, we don't think with stuff between our ear but between our leg. It is easier to let go ... IMHO, I would ask him to read SAA and HNHN and follow the 4 rules of recovery. You are so early in M if H is not honest you better let him go now than have a heartache later in life. Let him know your worry and start honesty from there.Good Luck -RH-

Hi again RH,I dont know what to do. Plan A is soo hard. My H is trying and I cant stop myself from LBing. I just keep on bringing up how much he hurt me blah, blah, blah. And hes telling me when I do that it just makes him want to give up. So why cant I just stop! I want to stop. Mainly for my own sanity. I want to let it go and move on. But its so hard and not truly knowing if he is still talking to her. He doesnt want to get counseling and I dont think I want to show him this website. we could work on the EN and the plan? But we JUST got into it big time. Because I couldnt stop! Sometimes I just want to leave. But I am totaly financialy dependant on him. And of corse I love him. Why else would I still be around?
Anyways, how do I handle Plan A? Its just so hard to let go. And I am keeping in mind what you said, about us only being married such a short time. And I am only 29. Should I invest more of my time in someone who could do this to me so soon? Or should I just move on while I still have some of my youth? Please help me to deal with Plan A or give me some advise on what to do. I want to make it work, but how can I trust someone whose done this to me after such a short time? And part of me wants to move on. Also H is only 25. Weve been together since he was 22. Been married 1 yr. Thanks again RH,
P I

Hi PI -- I'm pretty new at this too, but have been counseling with Jennifer Harley and it has helped me quite a bit in terms of seeing the benefits of plan A.First, don't drive yourself crazy wondering whether or not he is still seeing OW. This ate me up for weeks. I had to find peace that I was doing the best I could and focusing on myself and my family and friends. I still have my moments where I am obsessed with this, but I try and take a deep breath and recognize that I have no control over this. Letting go of these thoughts is hard.Second, you don't need to decide today whether you want to stay married to this man. This is really important for me to focus on right now. I am doing plan A to give myself the time to decide what I want to do. My actions will be the kindest and most honest I can be -- if my WH keeps acting like a total creep, then I will lose my love for him and I will know what I want.Yes, your H acted like a total creep, but you need to do the things that keep you sane and make you the best you can be -- what does that mean? While this is not a MB concept, part of what gets me through plan A is knowing that I am being a true, kind and honest person. I am not doing anything that I will regret or will cause me shame. I will not stoop to his level or the OW's level. Hang in there. I know this is hard for you. It is (plan A) by far the hardest thing I have ever done. I am not a patient person, but I am learning to be patient. I am often critical and quick to judge, but I am learning not to be. If my marriage ends, I will walk away from this experience knowing that I tried and that I learned new attitudes, habits and skills that will make me a better person overall.You can be strong -- there are a lot of us here to support you and help take your pain.

P I,we could work on the EN and the plan?
Yes, this is plan A. And YOU HAVE TO STOP LB, NO EXCUSESBut I am totaly financialy dependant on him.
Just remember Dv will force him to pay you spousal support, the coure will look also how long you had been together, specially in CA. Check your state law. PI, I beleive M is an equal partnership, if one party feel inferior the that person has to work on that issue. Try to see if you could get a job and go to job training, your local county should provide alot of opportunity. Do it now while you can.Anyways, how do I handle Plan A? Its just so hard to let go. And I am keeping in mind what you said, about us only being married such a short time. And I am only 29. Should I invest more of my time in someone who could do this to me so soon? Or should I just move on while I still have some of my youth?
Only you could decide. You have no kid and you still have a long years ahead of you. You have to take care yourself, no one will, if SO want to take care of you it is icing on the cake. You have to know your value and selfworth and don't let anyone tell you any different.Please help me to deal with Plan A or give me some advise on what to do. I want to make it work, but how can I trust someone whose done this to me after such a short time? And part of me wants to move on. Also H is only 25. Weve been together since he was 22. Been married 1 yr.
unsureheart gave you a good pointers, please if you could afford it you should get either Jennifer or Steve from MB to consel you. Trust is earn not given, so with time you will see if you could "trust" H. However let him know that you have this issues w/o LB and let him resolve it ... I think he does try since he is moving job. You have to give him credit for that.Get Divorce Remedy and/or Divorce Buster book, I think it is applicable to you ... put a specific time frame, at least 6 months to work it out and if there is no changes w/ his behavior or your feeling, you decide.Good Luck -RH-

RH and Unsureheart,
Thanks so much for your replys. It means so much to me to have this support system. I just wish I read you replys this morning. I completely LOST IT!!! Total LB all the way! I couldnt stop my self. I just kept on. I let my WH know that I know hes still talking to the OW and sure enough he is. I know in a way I should expect that because its hard for him to just let her go so easily. But its so freakin hard being that understanding. He says they have just talked and he is really trying. Even if that is true, I totaly withdrew major-big time from his LB ( did i say that right? still learning the lingo). He even told me that by me doing this Im pushing him away even more. I still couldnt stop. Its like I want him to know he cant get over on me. I was making major threats to him and the OW! How ULUGY is that! I never wanted to get like that and Ive been working so hard at it, but sometimes my emotions get the best of me. We even called his Mom up and were all three going at it on the phone. nothing good came out of this. Were set back even way farther. I almost threw in the towel! And I dont even have a job or anywhere to go! I picked up the phone when he was on it and he caslled the OW. I started making crazy threats. And he kept telling me to get off the phone. After all that he told me that he was calling her to really put an END to it. WHY IN THE HELL SHOULD I BELIEVE HIM? He also told me that she has a RO on me. I havent harassed her before but I guess now she has reason for it? I dont want to be evil and I dont want to be stupid. I keep making everything worse.. Sometimes I just want to move away. I really want to. I dont know what to do, now he hates me even more and Im pushing him even more into her arms. But he is still here. He says he cant try when I keep questioning him or bringing up stuff, and I dont blame him. He said he cant move forward if I keep moving back. But how can I /we move forward if hes still in contact with the OW? The longer this goes on the more I dont want to be with him. But this selfish part of me wants to make sure she can never have him. I sound so sick. Its like I know what I need to do and I know whats right but I cant get my self to do it. I hope I can deal with it the way you are Unsureheart. I feel so sick. I feel like giving up. I cant stop crying. Im so hurt. And when I look at our baby it hurts me to think that we may not all be together as a family for him. ( by the way RH I do have kids- 10yr/G, & 10 mo/B ).Anyways, please help if you can. I feel like I need lots of it today.Everyday. I want to stop this behavior. Reguardless. I want to come out of this as the bigger person ( not that thats my motive). But I dont want to stoop to their level. Thanks again RH & Unsureheart. Your replys really help me. I will keep the both of you in my prayers and hope that you stay strong also.P I

P I,Now, you 've learned the hard way, I did too. So anytime you want to LB, take one deep breath and picture in your mind your H complaining about you to OW. The same mind picture I use and work for me.This case w/ prove of contact what you want to do is plan A'ng and see how far it brings you. It is hard w/ plan A but if there is any love left from your H it should shows some result. I am sorry for your G and B, they the innocent victims in all of this.Hang in there and vent in here .... -RH-

OK RH,Im calm now. ive been on this site for a few hours. I think im ready to talk to my H. I want to approach him about starting plan A. I have been asking him latley about us working on this together and he has agreed. I just havent actualy done it yet. Can you give me some advise on how to start off? Now that we have everything out. (supposively). Even after our blow out hes still here and he says hes trying. Its just hard for him when Im LBing all the time. Please give me some advise on how to come at him with plan A, from start to end. Thanks for your help RHP I
Please respond asap. Im waiting to talk to him but I need some advise first .

PI,I saw your post on the other board, you already had a lot of help.You should not tell your H about your plan A since there is still contact. If he want to work it out, tell him to no contact and prove it to you. Second ask him to fill up ENQ & LBQ. If you are not comfortable with it, you could guess what it is.IMHO, since there is a contact, you should just let him know that the continues contact is not acceptable and you are not happy with it. Do not even approach him w/ MB yet, it is not the time. Fill in LBQ & ENQ as if your H, guess from there. All you need is top 5 ENs not in any order of important and do it all. Try to remember his complaint about you & M before and after d-day. The issues are your basis for your plan A. Make action plans to address them. Do not bang yourself against something that you can not do or excuses ... i.e you can not change your race if SO complaint about interracial M.Good luck -RH-

OK RH,I did what you suggested. I told him where Im at as far as willing to work on our marriage. But ( i said) we need to start by being totaly honest with each other. We cant work on this if you plan on having contact with her. Then I said, are you going to completely cut it off with her? And he tried to turn it into something else. " I cant answer the way you want me too", I thought I already broke it off with her. ( heres the best part) " In my eyes I ended it".
So that was what he gave me, and I didnt push him to say anymore. I just told him " ok, if thats how you ened it in your eyes then I need to move on." period. And I left it at that. I didnt say I was moving out or I wanted a DV. I just said Im moving on. Which is something I guess I need to do anyway? So I some how picked up my self, went to church, prayed my heart out ( as I have soooo many times) and asked God to give me the strength to get through this and to do what is in his WILL not mine. I finally relized I cant change anybody but my self. And right now I need to change my self for the better. I cant continue to live my life like this. And where ever this path may lead me, only God knows. Only time will tell.I sound ok for the moment. And I know my emotions will keep changing. When they do Im going to keep in mind what you said about " evertime I want to say something just think of my H telling the OW what a horrible person I am ". I think thats a good one for me. If I keep that in mind it should stop me . So Im trying to find my outlets and support . Thank God for this one! And I will just take it one day at a time. Please pray for me , anyone, everyone. I need it now more than ever.Thanks again RH. Youve been the best!P I

I forgot to ask you RH,How should I ask him to prove it to me? Ive asked before and he just says he cant do things the way I want him to. ( which means he doesnt want to end it). What do I do and how do I go about it? If he wont prove it to me do I still continue with my own plan be and give him sometime ?P I

PI,don't tell him how to prove it to you. Tell him that 'one' of your needs (means there are more) is that he earns your trust back. Then turn the tables and ask what would he do if you were doing what he did or is doing (remember you don't know everything but he does). His mind will start to crank up all kinds of thoughts. Now listen carefully to what he is saying because at this point his mind has more knowledge than he has given you but this type of question confuses him and he may not be able to filter out the stuff he has NOT told you. At this point is when I found out more info. The WS in my situation basically overloaded and told confirmed my suspicions. That is when I found out that ea/pa was still going on. AS he was saying it he kept catching himself but he was on a roll and the words kept spewing out. Oh boy, it was important for me at that time to keep my cool. Real important. The WS was getting angry at his choice of words (the truth?!!?). In fact he even accused me of having an A (See I did this technique several times last year). I listened, walked away (tempation to LB at this point is great). Went to ponder my next move. Eventually I went to plan B. H did not know what hit him. Said I messed up his plans (what plans? He told me he didn't have any but I messed up what he didn't have anyway). Those accusations did not make sense then nor now. Bottom line was that he and OW did have plans (see how I find it out?). I used his own words against him and more info came out. I did this over and over until I was satisfied. Then time would pass and if the WS was not earning back my trust, out came the ammo and I did it again. I used his own words and but him in the other shoe and played it back to him. They think differently when they are not in the hot seat. I am not sure if any of this is making sense. It took a while for me to get there but my H was a toughie. Confilict avoider and all......along with that an OW who honestly felt she was 'married' to the WS (at least emotionally). That is why this OW accused the WS of committing emotional adultery against the OW when he left her to come back home to his family. Talk about stupid........ [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] L.

Thanks L.,That kind of helps me. But right now Im hitting a low again. I feel like giving up. I dont want to be married to someone who can do this to me. And to have the freakin nerve to be giving me additude! Like Im the one whos having the A. When he acts like that it makes me hate him even more and I just want to move out. The problem is I dont have a job . I can stay with one of my sisters or a friend but that means up-rooting my kids and putting them through this. The baby wont know whats going on but my 10 yr old daughter will. And shes already been through so much in her little life. She went through my first DV ( my x was abusive) that was not her real father ( thank God), and just last year she was sexualy molested, not to mention shes at that adolesant age ( lots of changes). So I want to leave ( sometimes, mostly when I feel like this) but I know I should stay. At least for now until Im better situated (emotionaly, financialy, etc...). But sometimes I just cant take it! I dont deserve this treatment! I dont want to put up with this! Why do I have to be the strong one? Why do I have to hang in there, why do I have to fight for my marriage? Sometimes its just so hard to be so strong. Another huge part of me wants to make sure that my WH and the OW DO NOT end up together! I know I cant stop those kinds of things, but I want to sooo bad!. Well he is still here. And hes TRYING not to leave ( i guess hes showing me) but were not getting along right now due to my blow out yesterday. I feel like I pushed him into her arms even more. So what do I do? I was doing good with showing EN and then I did so many LB's and just messed it all up. I think in our case it has been more of the LB's that got him to this point, not so much as the EN ( allthough I know there is some that need to be met). But my behavior has always been such a huge problem in our relationship and I know I need to control it. HELP!!!!
Gosh, I must sound like a wreck! I guess thats why this site is here, so we can vent and get support. I need so much support right now. Thank you for your support.P I

PI,Well you both are not good company for each other right now and all this infront of the children is not going to make things better. Howz about this? He go stay with a friend or family for a few days until things cool down? Yes, this may mean more OW contact or not. You need to realize what is within your control and what is not. You both may need anger management type of counseling. How quickly can you get to a counselor? Tomorrow? Steve and jennifer offer phone counseling. Try to see if you can see one of them. Do you want to talk? I am at work but can talk later. I have a few free weekend minutes left on my cell. Let me know. L.

Hi PI -- Sorry I was off the boards this weekend. First, you haven't done or thought anything that most of us haven't done also. There are good days and bad days and there are set backs. It is tough when the WS is "giving you attitude" -- that is the hardest for me because I want to LB big time and lecture him on how ridiculous he is making the situation out to be -- making it my fault that he had/is having an A. In some ways I feel like I am lying when I act all calm and nice when all I really want to do is scream at the top of my lungs.HOWEVER, it's better to vent here than at the WS. I find reading here each morning really helps me/calms me down and I feel less alone. Reading books helps too -- I have read Surviving Affairs by the Harleys, Love Busters by Harley, After the Affair, Torn Asunder, Private Lies and Divorce Busting. Since I can't sleep at night, I read and the books and this site have really made me see that many of these affairs and the reactions by the WS are the same. It helps to make you see that a lot of the WS reaction is totally out of your control.Whenever you feel like you are about to LB, I would think about your 10 year old and love you feel for your children and they feel for you. This will help calm you down.One thing one of my counselors said to me once really helps. She said that you married your husband and agreed to be there with him in sickness or in health. She said that I needed to view this as a sickness. I needed to be strong for as long as I could.I hope you're having a better day today. We're here with you.

Thanks L. and Unsureheart,I look forward to hearing from you. It really helps and really means alot. L., I would love to talk when ever you have time. I would like to get counseling also but I cant afford it. I was seeing a marriage counsler ( by myself ) through our insurance but I seem to get so much more from here. As far as us seperating, neither one of us wants that. Sometimes I feel like I need it but when Im calm I dont want to leave or want him to leave. I said what I had to say to my H and left it at that . I decided to just shut my mouth ( easier said than done)and see what happens. I relize I have no control over what my H says, does, and feels. I only have control over myself. So yesterday at church I just prayed my heart out for God to just take all of this uglyness into his hands and to keep me on my path. To give me strength and to continue to call on me. As for my H I relize I can only pray for him to find his path ( where ever that may lead him ). But I know I need to move on ( in my own way ). I wont make any rash decisions, just changes within myself ( something that has been needed for a long time ). And I will just have to see where that will take me. Eaither way I need to become a stronger, healthier person. I feel Im on my way . And I may sound pretty good for the moment but check back on the site in a few hours and Im sure I'll be down again ( lets hope not).As for my H, he did start to come around again, after/during church. That always seems to help. Im just going to keep trying to be a better person and TRY to stop LBing. And I will just have to see how he reacts. I think/hope that he realizes what he needs/wants now. What ever happens I just hope its not to late for us. I hope one of us doesnt give up when the other finaly decides to really try.Im going to try my hardest to let him go and do his own thing without LBing him to death. Any pointers that helped you? Please help in anyway you can. I need so much support through this. Its nice to see that their are others that have made it through this and came out even stronger.Are all of the counslers ( from this site)prices expensive?Thanks again,
P I
P.S. L., how do I get in touch w/ you?

Hi PI --The counseling from this site is a bit pricey, but I was desperate. Right after I found out and I went in to get tested for sexually transmitted diseases, I had a complete breakdown in my doctor's office. She sent me to a counselor that was helpful at first, but then so focused on my improving myself by chucking my WH out the door/divorce that I needed to talk to somebody else. I can't afford too many sessions, but am going to try a few more even if that means borrowing some money from my folks -- they have been that helpful.However, if you cannot afford the MB counseling, keep reading and posting here. It is very helpful and keeps me sane seeing others that are experiencing something similar. My WH and I are separated, which at first I thought was a big mistake and just allowed him to spend time with OW. What I have come to realize is that this has actually helped me deal with my anger. Unfortunately, I did LB as we speak at least twice a day on the phone and I see him once during the week and on weekends. Now that we have been apart for a while, being separated has helped me learn to be patient, manage my anger and realize that even though I badly want my marriage to work, I can survive on my own. By surviving I don't mean financially (I am ok without him/not great in that regard but ok), but surviving being alone. I have reconnected with friends and family in a way that I would not give up even if our marriage were to be perfect tomorrow.I realize how dependent I had become on my WH for so many things emotionally and for my happiness. Not a fair burden to place on anyone and I was missing out on friendships that I now don't know why or how I let them languish or fade.Get the book divorce busting by Michelle Weiner Davis -- I found that one particularly helpful (in addition to the harley books) plus there is a suggestion on how to find and what to look for in a marriage or individual counselor. You may be able to find someone a bit cheaper than the MB counselors through that -- although I still recommend the Harley's.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him and he will direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6
When you feel like giving up, look to Him,
When all around you is a storm, look to Him,
He will give you peace when you need it, He will look after you, "nothing is impossible with God"
Remember these things, as He will remind you when you need them.
Remember the story of Jesus walking on the water?
Peter asked him if he could walk on the water, so Jesus said "come to me", Peter was walking on the water, but as soon as he took his eyes off of Jesus, and saw the storm all around him, he got frightened and started to sink, he cried out to Jesus, and Jesus held out His hand and pulled him out.
Cry out to Jesus when you feel like giving up, stop looking at the circumstances, and let Him be your focus through it all.

Thanks Unsureheart & Monika!,Unsureheart, I totaly see what your saying about it being easier for you to let go of your anger and to become stronger because your WH is out of the home. Sometimes I feel that would be best also. But neither one of us wants that. I guess I have to try to let go of my anger and move on with my WH in the home, somehow. It has been getting a little easier everyday ( thank God!). Im letting him go in my own way. I need to. I need to focus on getting ME better. If im not better how can I be good for anyone? It is a constant battle with me inside of my mind. I keep replaying everything and making up new things. Im driving my self crazy when I do that. I need to stop! Im learning how. I think its a little harder because Ive actually seen A WHOLE LOT on video tapes. Thats what so hard for me to deal with. I have a total visual. And because Ive seen so much I feel like if we're ever going to make it through this my WH better treat me WAY better than he treated the OW. I dont expect it to happen now, but sometime ( if we make it ) in our future. Because I cant settle for his half-[censored] love. I know what kind of love he is capable of. He used to give that kind of love to me. And if it doesnt happen, then I know he doesnt love me the same. The thing is , I dont want it to be fake. we'll see , I guess.
Monika, O my! Where did you come from? Today has been the weirdest day. I was feeling a million different emotions ( as usual) and started to feel the anger building up again . Then the phone rang. It was a preist from our church! He told me now that everything is out, we both have to work on our parts to change ourselves. He said " it can happen" "you two can make it through this. Ive seen it happen many times. The fact that he hasnt left, never wanted a DV, wants to make it work, and still says he loves you, are very good signs". BOY, talk about a sign from god! What more of a sign can you get than having one of his messengers actually call you up at your house! And now this. You send me this message out of no where! Thank you. I really take it to heart. When it comes to Gods words, I dont question him. I trust in him. I think he is knocking at my door big time! I have choosen TODAY to turn it all over to God. To trust in him that he will fix this and take care of me. I decided to let God lead me onto the path he chooses for me. And for me not to choose my own path. For my WH, all I can do is pray that he can do the same.Thank you both for your replys. It means alot to me and I look forward to getting them. Take care and hang in there.God bless you two. P I

Hey PI -- I see by your posting time that you can't sleep either. I had a bad night last night. I had to go to an after work reception for my work and just as I was about to walk in the door, a friend from another organization mentioned that the OW was going to be there too. I almost fell down on the spot. Then I thought, I didn't do anything to her and she can just leave if she's uncomfortable with my presence and that is exactly what happened. I walked in and she freaked and left.Then of course I had an unpleasant conversation with my WH late at night when he called and I LB'd big time. It's one step forward and two steps back for me in these situations. I couldn't help it after seeing the OW. It must be really hard for you with those videos. I just have these awful letters that I found on his computer between the two of them.Even though I LB'd and that was not good, my WH did tell me he loved me and that he's sorry he hurt me. Usually he just shuts down when we have an argument so I thought this was a good sign. Every day is a challenge and now that we're almost three months out from D-Day I do see some glimmers of hope.I hope your day today is a good one.

Hi Unsureheart,WOW! Tough Woman! Good for you, you didnt let the OW get to you. I know that must have been hard. The fact that you handled that situation well shows your improvement. I hear you about the one step forward, two steps back. Sometimes I feel like Im taking five steps back. I have noticed though, that the steps back are getting shorter and shorter. I just cant wait for the anger to be totaly gone. I cant wait for these thoughts to be gone. Is it easier for you cause your WH is out of the house? That is a good sign on how he reacted to you and telling you he loves you. In time he just may come around. The question is, will you still be around when he finally does? Are you guys talking about DV ? I think if the love is still there, you can always work on it and over come this. Although it is soooo hard! I dont have to tell you that. Sometimes I wonder, if we do make it, could I ever look at him the same? Sometimes when he is sleeping I look at him and just say " I hate you, I hate you so much." I dont want to feel hate for anyone. I want to let it go. Its just so hard. He did me sooooo wrong. I look at all of these pictures around the house and think , " these are all lies. He was with her when these were taken". Im trying not to do that anymore. I need to get so much stronger. Maybe we can get strength from each other? This site helps me alot. I have the biggest problem with my anger and its good to vent here and get support from others.Well you take care today. Remember, one day at a time.
I just wanted to add, I dont know what Id do if I saw the OW! The thought of her is even harder for me to deal with. Help!!! P I

Hi PI and Unsureheart. It is a difficult time to deal with WH's, I also have one. It has been 7 years since he left this coming Nov. We will have been married 10 years this June. It all began with an affair as well, more than one I'm afraid. We are not D'd, he is living with OW, in another province. I am on my own, still wearing my wedding ring, and staying committed to my vows. I made a covenant with God and my H, and I will not break it. I know many people think I'm crazy, but I know what the Lord wants for me in my life, I have had many signs from Him to hang in there. There were so many times I wanted to give up, because I started to see the storm around me. But He always reminds me that HE is looking out for me. I am to pray for my WH, for his heart, and to continue to follow the Lord in all I do.
I am quite happy even though I have my lonely times. God has given me so much to look forward to everyday. I have no children of my own, but I teach over 60 a year to sing. I feel like the mother of many. They keep me busy, and sane!
I know that many people think I should "get on with my life" they, meaning I should find a new man, wrong! I am getting on with my life, it doesn't take a man for that! God is my husband it says so in the Bible, and I go to HIm for everything. I encourage you to stay with your marriage PI, as I know that the Lord can get you through these tough times, and your marriage will be glorious one day! As far as the trust, it is going to take time, getting those images out of your mind is going to be tough, but everytime you go there, pray for God to remove them, He will. Do remember that satan loves to see you writhe in those thoughts, and if you tell him to get out of your head(always in Jesus name) I know he will flee. ONe of the biggest lessons I've learned from all of this, is that I know satan wants to destroy marriages, but God wants them to work, now who do you think will win? Who will you let win? I hope I can be of some help for anyone who is suffering, as I know that pain all too well.
I pray for you that He will give you both the strength needed to deal with your seperate but similar situations. Also don't forget, that with God, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!Monika[ April 10, 2002: Message edited by: Monika ]

PI -- The thing about the pictures you wrote reminded me of something totally silly I did when I first found out. I felt like my life had been a lie (just like you) I took the pictures hanging up from our wedding and took lipstick and wrote over the front of all of them THE BIG FAT LIE and put them on the floor in front of the front door so he would see them when he walked in (I had found out about the affair while he was out and had called him on his cell phone to let him know I knew). Anyway, I was so angry and hurt and I can laugh about it now, but it was such a childish thing to do (although it made me feel better at the time).While I don't think I hate my husband I do hate what he did. But, according to my counselor that's not all bad -- the fact that he still brings out strong emotions good or bad is a sign that the love is still there. If I didn't feel strongly, then probably it would be too late to save the marriage.Once he said maybe it was better if we divorced, but that was back when all I did was LB and tell him that he had ruined my life (before I found this site and got into counseling). Now, he says he's confused but does not want to talk about divorce. I feel like I am in the middle of a soap opera. Every day gets better and I feel stronger.

Hi Unsureheart, when you say you don't hate him but hate what he did, that is such a good attitude. Hate the sin, not the sinner!
Keep hanging in there, and love him through this! He will come around I'm sure... the fact that he still works with her is tough, my H was working with the one I found out about, but he was far too gone by then...
He is with a different one now, he's pretty messed up! As far as seeing the OW, you did good by going, you are not the one who did wrong, she was. PI, you need not be afraid of seeing the OW either, because you are his wife! I know it is a scary deal, but I confronted the one mine worked with, it was absolutely frightening, but it was the best thing I could have done. Before the conversation was over, we were hugging! Imagine that! Forgiveness is so important. These OW don't know what they are doing, even if they ended up with their affair partner, could they trust them? There will always be the threat of another woman in their picture.
I have so much to share with you ladies, I think we will be writing for a while....Until tomorrow,

All,Try to be carefull to contact OW, ladies don't do that w/o supervision for your conselor. I talk to OM twice under Steve guidelines ... finding information and find out which is OM ?, there are 3 persons w/ the same first name. ... finding information if they have any plan at all. OMW confronted my WW four times and ending getting a RO on herself. My WW is OW from hell, she read HNHN and use it for OM !. She tries to plan B'ng me now and teach OM to plan B'ng his W !.Never approach OW to confront her !. You could talk to her to exchange information ... probably OW doesn't know that H is married, probably OW thought that you were divorced, probably OW itself is married. However this is almost the last resort ... if your plan A doesn't take any effect on your H then you might want to do that. First and for most, plan 'A your bootie off.Good luck -RH-

Hi All!Monika, Thank you for your words from the Lord. I need to hear those words right now. I need to be reminded all the time. I think everything happens for a reason, and I KNOW the LORD was calling on me, for many reasons. Like I said these changes I need to make needed to be done for a long time. I was also putting off my catholic classes for 3 years now. My H and I wanted to get married in a atholic church ( hes catholic/ Im converting) but I got pregnant. So we did a quickie wedding when I was 7 months pregnant. I still keep putting off these classes, well now Im actually doing it. The ironic thing is the preist told us we have to get remarried in the church after I finish my classes ,confirmation,baptism. The whole process will take a year. Alot can happen between us in a year. I feel too that I have gotten many signs from God. And as for my WH there needed to be many changes made also. I truly believe God is calling on us. Sometimes it has to get really bad for you to get off your but and do the footwork. Everyday seems to be getting a little better. I have been turning my anger over to God and my thoughts. And I continue to move on. Where ever that leads me.I know God is calling on me to make the changes that need to be made ( alot of other changes too) but I just pray my heart out that my H can hear God calling on him too. I really hope he finds his path. He still hasnt gone to confession, when he does, I think thats when I'll know. He would never go to confession if he were still with the OW. When all of this started, the priest wanted to talk w/the both of us. But my H wouldnt go. So I will continue to keep up w/my end and I pray My H will find his way. As for you, WOW! You have alot of faith! Thats so great! If your marriage is what you believe in then you keep hanging in there. I dont think your crazy. I too feel the same way ( of corse there were times I wanted to give up). I told my H I made a commitment to you and to God. I am sticking with my vows. At one point he asked me " why would you stay w/me if I were cheating on you"? I said because "I love You, my love for you is unconditional. And we made a commitment to each other and to God, in front of all of our friends and family. Im not giving up on us. If you want a D then your going to have to do it." And he wont do it. Just like your H. I think he hasnt done it for a reason. You hang in there . Keep strong for what you believe in. Like you said, with God all things are possible.As you can see I feel pretty good today. And I think/hope Im on my way. I need to start feeling better. I know I will still go through many ups and downs but Im going to try and keep my focus. I have to.Unsureheart, Im glad to hear your H doesnt want a D. There is still hope for the two of you. I guess we just have to let them go and find their own path. It just gets hard when your dealing with your anger. Lets try to keep each other strong. We need to let go of the anger so we can start healing. The fact that your H doesnt want a D is such a good sign. Dont give up on your love. Thats good you dont hate him. It will be easier to forgive him. We fell in love with our H's for a reason. There is a wonderful person deep down inside. They just need that fog lifted.I hope your doing good today. I hope I stay feeling good today. Go do something good for yourself today. And when you cant sleep, come on this site. This site has really helped me alot. There are some other stories I found on here that gave me so much more hope. I cant remember the Names, but you should check them out ( if you havent already).RH, I hear ya about being careful or not at all confronting the OW. Honestly I dont want to. When I say the threats Ive said, its all out of anger. And I hope I will never do that again. I want to get to the point where I could deal with it if I ran into her. Or that I could forgive her ( I cant believe I just said that. I must really be feeling good today.) But part of me bettering myself is to become a forgiving,understanding person. I dont want to be bitter. Ive seen those scorned women/men. Its not pretty. And they choose to live like that for as long as they carry their anger. When I think about her I do get very upset. I want to let it go. I dont like feeling this way. But me forgiving her seems soooo far away. I still have alot of anger to deal with. How did you deal with yours? How did you deal with the OP? What kind of advise did Dr. Harley give you? Is it something you think I should do? ( confronting the OW). Well, take care All! I hope you have a good day. It seems we're all getting better everyday. Im glad we have each other. It really helps.
And keep Plan Aing your bootie off! (I like that saying)PI

Glad to hear you're having a better day today PI. The sun is shining and my tulips are up and I will actually see my separated WH tonight. I will try not to LB and just enjoy the evening (even if it is to go over taxes, whoopee).

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by P I:
 ... I still have alot of anger to deal with. How did you deal with yours? How did you deal with the OP? What kind of advise did Dr. Harley give you? Is it something you think I should do? ( confronting the OW).<hr></blockquote>I surrender the revenge to the Lord ...
Jer 20:12 - "But, O Lord of the hosts, You who test the rightous, and see the mind and heart,, let me see Your vengeance on them; For I have pleaded my cause before You."
I wait on the Lord ... Psalm 27:14 Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord.
Put God in the center of your life and accept Him as your personal savior so that you could be His children and you could have His promises and gift of salvation ... call Him up .... Psalm 50:15 Call upon Me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify Me.I received His answer ...With OP, I do a lot of reasearch on OM and found a truck load of dirt on him. Plus I contacted OMW and get all the information ... In art of war, know your enemy so that you could put a plan. By knowing OM I know that this relationship is doom from start and if my WW want to married OM, that is her punishment. OM lied to his tail to OMW and to WW, he had GH and most likey WW has it too by now. OM is 2 Dv, still married and in the process of Dv w/ OMW, cheating numerous times, abusive (verbal & physical), drink heavily, maybe doin coke, no $ since OM is paying supports. My WW rather be with him (insecurities for him going back to OMW) than with my 2 D. I am a single dad since last September, my WW will loose coustody, I have faith in Him and faith in the justice system. Too bad that my WW filed Dv and I told SH that I will not allowed to be cancel. I give my best and she shut the door. Only repentance from her to God that I might consider working on M and I will use SH to validate that. I will let her prove it for 6 months then I will make decision. I would not settle for anything but 100.00%.I did plan A the best I can and no sign of change ... WW even lied to SH about the A. I have no information at all on OM since WW did not even acknowledge it. I met OM to see 1. if they have a plan 2. seek info since I don't know which one is the OM.From your posting, I do not think you should talk to OW. Snoop on her, find out all about her. You could do it fairly easy and cheap via the web. The first priorities are no LB and plan A'ng the best you can. Also this is the time to have peace with our personnal savior so that we know His will.God Bless you -RH-

Thanks everyone,Your replys really help me get through this. You have no idea ( maybe you do ) how much it helps me everyday.Well today is one of those days. I need so much support today. I feel so sad today. I dont even feel anger. Just sad. Is that a good sign? Does sadness come after the anger? Or does it just change all the time? My WH came home late again last night(his old pattern). He did call me on his way home to tell me he stopped by wrestleing practice(he coaches on tues/thurs) and I could hear them in the backround. But do you think I believed him? Heck no! The OW lives right by there. He didnt even have his gear w/him. He probably just ran in there to use the phone so I could hear the backround. Im not stupid. But when he called I made sure not to LB him AT ALL. I WAS SO PROUD OF MY SELF!! Even when he got home. And I really wasnt mad. But I felt hurt. We just carried on like normal but he could tell something was wrong. I just said I was fine. And this morning I feel so sad. I just wish he would completely end it with her. And really give us a fair chance. Its so hard being this strong. Although me not LBing him last night really gave me a little more strength, so I can see how that works. I guess this is all just going to take alot of time and patients. I dont want to hurt anymore. I dont want to be angry anymore. I think Im going to go to church today. I need God right now. Im going to buy some books too.To All: Your words from God mean so much to me. I keep refering back to them. It helps me to remember he is always there for me. Please pray for me today, I need it so bad. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] And I will pray for all of you. God bless you
PI

PI -- You are in my thoughts and prayers today. I know it is so hard, but you did so well not to LB even when you are feeling so sad. I ask every day for God to fill me with grace. You are doing well to not LB.Books also help. I find myself reading when I feel like I am going to cry or completely lose it/like I'm suffocating. It helps calm me down to read words about how others experience this.The other thing I try and do is write down every day the things I am thankful for that day -- my sister, the health of my parents, the way my garden is growing, etc. Be strong.

Hi PI, Sorry you're feeling so down today. I ask the Lord to give you strength day by day, minute by minute. Has your WH said that he has ended it with 'OW? I thought I read that he was wanting to work it out with you? I will just go back and read it again. If you are looking for some books, the two that really helped me were, both by the same author. James Dobson, "Love Must Be Tough" and "When God Doesn't Make Sense"
Both really helped me alot during the hard times.
Funny how every one goes through different stuff though. I was hurt and the anger took 3 years to surface! What I realized at the time was, that I had not forgiven him, as I thought I had. Anger over the sin is perfectly okay, but you know the forgiveness is the most important part, if you can even make the choice to forgive, God will help you, it's not easy to feel like you have. Not just for your WH, but the OW.
Something you need to know is that, she does not understand how wrong she is, but believe me, she will have to face the problem herself one day. The revenge is the Lord's! People that don't know the Lord think of themselves only, not others, therefore she is only thinking of herself!
I always saw the OW as victims, because they will also be hurt by the same guy in the long (or short) of it. I know this from experience. Before I knew the Lord, I went through a time of very little morals, and the most important thing for me was me, I am so grateful to be forgiven, and changed! I care more for others now, and have changed so deeply within, only because of the Lord.
I truly hope that you can find the forgiveness in your heart, you will get through this so much better when you do. Unforgiveness only makes things worse for yourself. I have a picture on my fridge, it is of Jesus holding up a man(modern day, wearing jeans, and a torn t-shirt). The man is broken, and in his hand he is holding a hammer.
I see that man as my H. , Jesus is carrying him.
No matter what the sin, He loves that man! So should we.
I am so glad to have found this site, as it is so hard to find people willing to fight for their marriages, and it gives me hope for marriages in general knowing that there are many standing for them. If you wish to email me, please do, maybe I can share a little deeper. Email addy monikawithak@hotmail.comTil later, God be with you and give you strength!

I registered today and I cannot believe it took me just an instant to find someone who so near completely described the way I feel just by telling her own story. I know exactly what you mean by the "investigation" the insecurities and the deep desire to get on with life and be happy again........ I too can't stop the moods and the drastic change in feelings.... you're right they change like the wind and it just seems to make life so much harder....one minute I will belive in him and us and the next I am petrufied that he will do it all over again....just when things start to get better again....... It is so terrifying......

Hey Tryingmybest, hang in there, it will get better one day...
Monika[ April 15, 2002: Message edited by: Monika ]

HI EVERYONE!Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. You have helped me in many ways.
Although I just dont know anymore. I feel like I want to jump to plan be already. I dont know if I can handle plan A anymore. I cant just let my WH lie to me and see/talk to the OW with out getting upset(sometimes I feel like thats what he wants. for me to be the one to end it. pushing my buttons). The only way I feel like I can stay and handle it is if I completely shut him out. I cant keep allowing him to hurt me. I feel like me trying to stay in plan A is only hurting me. Its torture. It would be different if my H were trying more and not treating me like a piece of poop. Hes still playing his stupid games and totaly lying to me. Should I jump to Plan B? Or should I try to just act as if Im in Plan B ( given my financial/living situation. No job, No family except two sisters that really have no room, up rooting my kids). Last night I started to act as if, and I started to feel stronger. By this morning I felt more focused and stronger. The more I learn about my H ,the more I feel like I dont want to be with someone like this. And does he really want to be with me or is he just staying because he thinks he will get screwed if he leaves? The only problem with me thinking like this , is that it brings the anger back but part of me feels better, stronger. And the other part of me loves my H unconditionaly and wants to see us get through this and know that we can. I dont know what to believe or think anymore. Something is feeling right about plan B. Im trying not to be blind about my WH. He has lied to me sooooo bad that I dont know what to believe anymore. Like I said before, before he was busted he was willing to end our marriage with no intentions on leaving the OW. And there is so much, so many details to his A that I cant let go. He took his A really far. He was living a double life. Should I not focus on the details or should I take them into consideration?Help me Friends! P I

Forgot to mention, I have been totaly LBing ( so hard to control it when I know hes seeing her). Havent really been meeting his ENs. He says this has nothing to do with her, its about us. And I say, so then why dont you end it with her so we can start working on us? He says he has ened it "IN HIS OWN WAY"(Still contact). And I know my LBing has pushed him to her even more. SO WHY CANT I STOP?! Maybe we would be better off not living under the same roof?

HI PI, the struggles you are going through now are terrible, but my conviction would be not to go to plan B, unless the Lord leads you to do so.
Pray that the Lord will give you a sign, He will do that, I have received signs and that is why I am still hangin' in there. If the Lord wants you to go to plan B, maybe you could pray that he leads your WH to move out, that would be a pretty clear sign. If your H is still wanting to stay, according to God's Word, you should let him. There is no need to uproot your children. If he decides to leave, you should stay where you are, he would have to help you financially, and I know the Lord will provide what ever you need. But please, don't provoke him to leave, if he is meant to the Lord will take care of it. I will continue to pray that his heart will be softened and that he will see the mess of his life and that he will repent, turning his life to Jesus.
As hard as it is for you, please don't give up, Jesus didn't give up on us, and knowing what I was like before, I would have expected Him to, but He didn't because His love is unconditional! Praise God! You know, He has given me a love for my H that I didn't know was possible. No matter how much pain he put me through, (and there was alot), I love him more now than ever, and that kind of love can only be from the Lord!
I know that God will give you that same kind of love for your WH, but we need to go through the fire first. Don't give in to what the devil wants. And continue to pray for your H. Whenever you feel like LB'ing, go to another room and pray. Keep on keepin' on, you will make it!
Monika

Thanks Monika,I really needed that. I need to be reminded everyday ( seems like every minute) that i can trust in the lord and he will take care of this. When I think about the devils work it really makes me not want to give up. Because I know thats what he wants. If we get through this, this will be the first relationship I havent given up on and the first relationship I had to work so hard at. I know I need to try and hang in there. Im just tired of being hurt. So Im not going to let him hurt me anymore (or try to).
I have to stay strong and focused. And I will continue to ask the Lord for signs and guidence. Im so confused. And Ive learned that you shouldnt make any rash decisions when you are confused. So I will keep that and all your words in mind. Thank you so much for your prayers. It means more to me than you know. I may sound ok now, but we'll see in a few. I m sick of this rollercoaster! Thanks again and God Bless you too.PI

Hi PI -- From experience I can tell you that you should NOT push for a separation yet. I had this mistaken impression (before finding MB) that something like that would be enough of a crisis to get him to "snap out of it" and it was before I found out about the A for sure -- I just knew he was being a complete jerk to me and I couldn't take it anymore. While the separation has kept me from being angry, I think it also may have prolonged the A and let him live his secret life a bit easier. If I had to do it over again, I would not have asked him to leave.It's been difficult, but not impossible, not having him around and his individual therapy has been going well and helping him. He still sees the OW at work although he swears they no longer have a physical relationship.Don't do anything hasty -- I'm the queen of that and have lived to regret it a few times. You can be patient and you can do plan A as long as you know it is not forever. You will know when it is time for him to go -- it is when there are no more feelings of love.

PLEASE HELP ME FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!I lost it last night! My WH didnt come home from work until 11pm ( hes off at 5:30)! He did tell me last week that he had a training day in the city on this day. But I know it was a lie. I know he used that as an excuse to be with the OW till late. By 9:00 I was balling my eyes out. I just couldnt take it anymore. Im tired of being here while hes out with her. It hurts so bad. So I packed up the kids and went to my sisters house to spend the night. At 12:00am he was at the door balling his eyes out! He said why did you do this! Why did you take my baby away from me? I told you where I was going to be . And I come home to an empty house. So we got into it. I told him Im sick of his bull****. I cant sit around while hes out with her. And yes he was denying all of it. Well he wanted our son to come home and he was forcing it . It got pretty ugly. So I ended up just comming home as well. Now he hates me. He thinks Im trying to take our son away from him. And what really hurts is that I think he could care less if I left, just as long as he has his son. He totaly doesnt understand why I had to leave. He could care less about my feelings. He just wants his son.. I wish he wanted me. Now I think I made everything worse and I wouldnt be surprised if he is making his own plan B. I dont know what to do???? I hurt. Im Scared. Im Confused. I wish things werent worse. I want him to see what hes doing to us. To me. Even his own Mother told me to leave for awhile to let him know what it feels like to be without us. I think He would be happy if I left. As long as he has his son. I think hes only with me cause hes scared I'll move away with our son.I really think hes in love with the OW and wants to be with her.Please help me!!!!!! I dont know what to do!!!!! I want to leave but I dont want to make things worse. And I cant stand being here when hes out with her. Please respond ASAP.Thanks
PI
.

PI -- Ok, take a deep breath. Remember, during the early stages after discovery, the WS are still in a fog/acting like aliens have abducted their brains. Yes, you probably LB'd, but that is totally understandable in the situation you described. One step forward, two steps back. One day we LB because the WH does something we perceive as outrageous (and your H's action certainly seems to qualify for that/staying out and then making you feel like doodoo). You can calm yourself and try again even when you feel like it will be really difficult. Try doing what they call a 180 degree shift. Do everything in your power today to act like nothing is wrong -- in fact, go out of your way to be friendly. You can do it. Go on the just found out forum here and look at Seahorse's thread -- I think the title has something about Worthatry/WAT in it. If she can do it, we can do it. Post on General Questions II and you'll get more responses. I'll keep looking for you. I'm here with you.

Hi PI, Why do you feel that he was with the OW, do you know wether or not he was at a training?
Be very careful with feelings, they can be deceiving! If he truly is not seeing the OW, he should be alright with you talking to someone at his work, he needs to realize that he has shot down your trust in him, and needs to earn it back.
Good advise from Unsureheart, take a deep breath and give it all you've got. Of course he is going to be upset that you left with his son, but what does he expect? He needs to know that he has a responsibility as a father and a husband, and he is not doing his part.
I sure wish I could take this pain away from you, my heart goes out to you, and will continue to pray that the Lord give you wisdom, discernment and patience to get through this.
There is a song I sing, it goes, "Sometimes He calms the storm, with a whispered 'peace be still', He can settle any sea, but it doesn't mean he will. Sometimes He holds us close and lets the winds and waves go wild, sometimes He calms the storm and other times He calms His child...."
Let Him hold you close during this storm, the outcome is in His hands.
I hope these words encourage you my friend.
Love Monika [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

check out this link It's called' Husband and wives, the marriage covenant. It's great!
http://www.family.org/married/comm/A0017718.cfm
Monika [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi Monika and Unsure,Thanks for your words. They did help. Im feeling a little better and back to Plan A. I emailed my H at work and said I just wanted him to understand that I was not trying to "punish him" by taking our son away. I was leaving for the night for my own sanity. I told him when he does these things I cant handle sitting at home. I said I would never take our son away from him and I would never do that to our son. I said I cant make you change , all I can do is change myself and do what makes me feel better. Then I ended it with I love you, I will always love you and I am here for us. Does that sound ok? I was trying to keep it simple . I dont want things to get worse between us. I need to let him go and move on in my own way . Get better and stronger. But how can we work on our marriage when hes still trying to get away? Making excuses to leave and do things on his own. The week of D-Day he was fine. Really trying. Now hes back to his old pattern and old additude. What do I do? How do I act? Just let him go when ever he wants, with a smile? If Im not ok with it, he gets all mad at me, starting it all over again. So how do I get Plan A to work? Its like he doesnt even want to be here. He told me he doesnt need to prove anything to anyone. What do I do???? I feel like if I put up with this, Im a doormat. But I cant tell him where to go and where not to go. He finds every reason to go do things alone and keep me stuck at home. I feel like he really wants to be with her so bad. How do I turn this around? What do I say when he walks in the door late again??PI

Hi PI
I think the letter you wrote was great. Continue to be honest with him. If he is not being honest with you, he will be convicted of it, and it will show. I wish I could tell you what you should do, and how you should act, but I can't. I know it would be great to have someone to tell you exactly what to do, but we are all human, we make mistakes. But God can give you the answers you need. I just picked up a book this morning, I should be picking up every day, but don't. It is a wonderful book full of prayers that will help you and your M. The book is called "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian. It has a prayer every day for you to pray for your H, every day for a month. Continue to pray these prayers and watch the miracles happen. I am going to begin to pray these for my H again. I put it down for too long, and have been unwilling to pray for him lately, because thinking of him makes me sad. But I must put my selfishness aside, he needs prayer! Please go get this book, I will send you a sample of one of the shorter prayers tomorrow, as I have to find the right one for you!
Until then, God be with you and give you clear direction in what you are to do!
Monika
]"The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian. If I can give you any advise at all, it would be to run out and get this book fast![ April 18, 2002: Message edited by: Monika ]

I agree with Monika, that was a good email letter you sent. What can you do? The next time he says he's going to be late, tell him ok, that's fine because you made plans to go to your sisters or somewhere else. You need him to see that you can live without him, can go do other things, but you don't have to appear mean or retaliatory -- just that if he's not going to be home; you're not going to sit at home.That accomplishes several things. First, it doesn't leave you sitting at home fretting/wondering/obsessing about what he is or is not doing. Second, you get to go do something you would enjoy. Third, it lets him know that you are not going to sit at home pining away for him.This has been the hardest thing for me. I keep thinking I shouldn't make plans so that if he has time we'll spend it together. Well, that meant nights at home obsessing. So, now, if I'm feeling blue, I call a friend and go over to her house even if it's just to have a glass of wine after dinner or help her bathe her kids. Or, I g to the movies -- I know that's harder for you because you've got young kids. Just do something/anything that will take your mind off of him being out. You are doing great so far. That email letter was very controlled, to the point, and not witchy sounding or needy. You go girl.

Monika & Unsure,Monika ,I will get that book. It sounds like a good one. Your prayers are helping me so much. Everything Im getting from you guys is really helping alot. I posted in the other topic about last night. I felt so much better. My H came home and I was very friendly (like you said Unsure) and he responded very positive. We went on about our evening, went to the gym. I caught him asking this guy if he could use his cell phone and he went into the bathroom to call her Im sure. Because why else would he be hiding to make a call and he called the guy over when he saw me standing there. Gave him the phone and never told me he used the guys phone (the guy told me). So I didnt even ask or say anything. I just let him tell me his little lie and I sucked it all up and acted as if. I took a deep breath and used all of your guys thoughts, wisdom, and prayers. And I felt so good!! I was so proud of my self not LBing him!! It made me feel stronger. And knowing that the A has to end on its own really helps. And not being blind about it does also. Because I know in the end which ever way this turns out, I will be a better person. It felt so good! I want this positive additude to stay. It is so hard bitting your lip.And Unsure, I know what your saying about trying to plan things. Whats hard for me is I try to plan things for us and he finds away to get out of it and see her. How do I deal with that? Just let him go and not LB him? That is so hard. I have been through so much in my life, even my own mother left me when I was 12 and this hurts so much more. This is truly the hardest thing Ive ever had to deal with. Right now my H is just getting off work and these next few hours are the hardest for me. Im starting to feel like poop again. I think I need to keep myself busy. What makes it even harder is that I dont have a job. Its like Im living my life for everyone else. I have been looking. I need to be able to take care of myself. Hang in ther Unsure & Monika. Your in my prayers also. Monika, I comend you for sticking by your marriage so hard and positively. You are an insparation. I hope to one day have as much faith as you. Take care I hope all is well for the two of you.PI

Hey PI, great attitude! I am proud of you! Unsure heart has very good advice, and even if he is calling the OW, if you are constantly loving him no matter what, he is going to see how much that love is... I often think about when my H was still here, we lived in the same house, but seperate bedrooms for the last 9 months of our marriage, during that time, he was seeing other women I'm sure, but I did alot of soul searching during that time, and loved him and did everything I could to show him how much I loved him. He wouldn't touch me physically, but I know I got his heart. It is unfortunate that he had to give in to his lust rather than the love for his wife, but I believe with all my heart that he still loves me, just couldn't handle hurting me anymore, so it was easier for him to say that he didn't love me anymore, and leave than to face up to his many sins. I also know that he was and still is, running from God, and because he could see that I was getting closer to God, he couldn't deal with it. It's truly too bad that he took that road, but like I said before, God will never give up on him, I am so grateful for that. When he comes to terms with God, he will remember the love he has waiting for him here at home.
I gotta tell ya, it's been a tough week for me too, as I read the life stories here,it brings back alot of pain and memories. But I know that God allowed me to go through it so that I could be an encouragement to others.
I actually started praying for my H again today, it felt good, but the devil is very upset that I am, and is throwing all kinds of bad memories at me, I just give them over to the Lord and get on with my day! I actually had a dream about him last night, (that doesn't happen very often) and it left me wondering what's going on with him. I pray I find something out soon.
Anyway enough about me, I guess I just needed to spew! Thanks for your prayers too, and hang in there! We're gonna win this!
Love Monika

PI -- I am taking my own advice and going to my sister's for the weekend. I just couldn't stand the thought of waiting for him to tell me when, if, what we might or might not do this weekend. I also went out to dinner last night with friends and their kids. It was fun and it meant I was not at home when he called.I cannot control his behavior,but I can control mine. When I'm feeling a little out of control like I might LB big time; I make other plans. I know that I'm having one of those periods where I just want to say something sarcastic to him like " I know you are with OW; don't insult me by pretending otherwise" -- so that's when I know it's time to remove myself from the situation and not give myself the opportunity to be sound like a big *itch.I won't be on this weekend, but I'll be thinking about you and praying for you. I'll be up to my eyeballs in setting up a new doll house for my niece and taking 8 year old twins bike riding. I love them dearly and they provide me with such joy right now.Take care PI and Monika -- I'll check in with you on Monday.

PI,I know what your going through, as do many who visit here. You're not alone. Coming from someone who's W had an affair with an OM after 18 years of marriage, my eyes have been open to the emotionally painful events surrounding an A.The people here have sound advice and the MB principles make good sense. I found however that as with anything you have to meld your own situation into them. Inner strength plays an important role, and ultimately you have to rely on yourself and draw from your inner core to give yourself the power to go on.I have reconciled my M by using some of the MB principles. I had difficulty getting all of them to apply to me and my M. I know my W loves me, and I her, but somehow along the way we didn't dance to the same tune and we both felt the pain. Things are much better now, but I still think of those crazy times when the A was in full force and it was all-consuming. The group here helped a great deal. I'm not an expert at this but am willing to lend an ear in this difficult time.Sincerely Echalon
echalon61@hotmail.com

Hi All,I didnt get a chance to post in a few, been somewhat busy. Still just taking it day by day. But I am seeing a good change in ME everyday. Where Im at right now is so amazing! I feel like a new person is comming out of me and wants to live! I can see ( truly see ) that I have no control over what my WH says, does, feels, thinks, and wants. I only have control over my self and my life. Ive said this before but I dont think I really felt it. I was still worried about my H ( dont get me wrong, I still wonder ). But Im not letting his actions and moods get to me. Im just trying to live my life. Part of why I havent posted in a few was because I relized I had been spending my entire days on line! Believe me it has helped but I wasnt doing anything to move forward. And not only that, I have my little baby with me during the day. He needs me to pay better attention to him. So Friday I had a GREAT day! This modeling agency wants me to do alot of work for them ( I model ),and this gym wants to hire me as a trainer ( Im also a trainer ). So that gave me the boost I needed. It made me feel good again to feel good about my self. To know that I am worth something. Plus I need to become independant again. This will be good for me. I have to go to both places today. And spirtuly I feel like Ive grown. I commanded satin ( in Gods name ) to leave me alone! To leave my life! Because God is takin over! Im letting God totaly take over. My faith in God has gotten me so far ( and all of you guys ). I know God will take care of me. And I know God was calling me. All I can do for my H is pray for him and love him. I thank God for everyday that he is still here. I feel a little better everyday. And this beautiful weather makes it even better.Monika, you have so much streangth and faith. I really admire that about you. Keep hanging in there. Youve been hanging on for so long. You know God has plans for you. Ive been praying for you and your H. There is a reason he hasnt gotten a DV. I will keep praying for the both of you.Unsure, Gosh you sound like you are right there with me on the same page. I know it is sooo hard. I took your advice and just started making my own plans. I cant wait around for him anymore. This is OUR LIVES! We have to keep on living. And loving. Even though you want to LB BIG, BIG time ( that is so me). But I am trying to work on that. I hope you had a good time at your sisters this past weekend. Let me know how your doing. Youve been in my prayers also. Hang in there too.Echalon, Thanks for your reply. All the support I can get really helps .Its good to here from people who have past the point Im at , so I can learn from them and gain more faith. It also helps to share with the ones who are going through exactly what you are going through. I guess we all have gone though it at one point or another. Please share some of your experience with me. Id like to hear from someone whos gotten past this point. I really hope we make it. You hang in there too. Have a great day All!
PI

I am new here. I have been encouraged by all of you, especially Monika. I am amazed by the faith and perserverance of all of you. If I can get to the point where my attitude is like all of yours, I will be in a much better place. To P I, I know all of the emotions you have been talking about. Reading your posts made me feel like I wasn't crazy, but that others were going through the same thing. How did you guys get to where you are?

PI -- I am so proud of you and you've been able to do all of this while taking care of young children. I had a great time with my sister and her three kids. I took them to Museum of Natural History and to a planetarium and on a hike. They love me unconditionally and I love them the same. They are my joy. My WH called me on Sunday to tell me that he had been with the OW on a 6 hour car trip on the way home from their regional meeting. I LB'd, but not badly. I am glad that he told me, but still unhappy about it. He says he needed to do this to end it properly. I think I bit my tongue so hard at that remark that I could taste blood. AAAH. I told him that I really did not think I could handle this continued contact with the OW any longer.I don't really know what is going on, but he showed up at the airport when my plane arrived home from my sister's. I have no idea how to interpret this, but have to take things one day at a time.Your words today have inspired me to keep focused on me and not let his thoughtless actions hinder my progress. I am not sure I have Monika's perservance -- but having the two of you here keeps up my resolve to try and hold this together even on my worst days.One poster asked -- how do you perserve? I can't speak for the others, but here are my tactics. I write in my journal every day and that helps. I make a list of the things I have to be thankful for at least once a week. I make a point of calling a friend at least once a day. I try and do something nice for others on a daily basis, even if it is just asking the grocery check out clerk how their day is going and wishing them a good day. I read here every day -- limiting it to one hour only so that I don't get obsessed -- for inspiration and the good thoughts of others that have walked here before me or are walking with me now. I am looking for a volunteer opportunity for a women's shelter or other activity to give back to my community and help others. And I read. It is not easy and some days are really bad and others I feel empowered and strong. I may not make it in plan A too much longer, but I am trying.

Hello All!Hindering_us, Im glad that you found this site. You would not believe how much it (mostly the people) has helped. This is one of the hardest things your going to go through, so get all the support and knowledge you can get. Thats whats gotten me this far. The biggest thing for me is my faith in God. This entire situation your going through is just too much for you to try to handle sometimes, so you just have to put your faith in God and know that he is taking care of you. I dont know exactly what your situation is (let me know where you posted, "just found out"?)
but what ever it is ,you have people here that will care about you , understand you, and totaly be there for you ( shouldnt it be our BS?). Alot of the steps Unsure is taking are the same ones for me. Im reaching out in every direction. God (meaning: God, Preist, church,classes), counslers, friends, family, this site, books, doing things for MYSELF that make me feel good, doing things with and for my children, giving back to others/comunity,being kind/showing my changes to my WH ( but not being a doormat),and i am actualy getting a journal today. All of these things have helped me soo much. Reading about what your going through really helps you to get an understanding of your part, your BS, and how to make it work ( if thats what you want). It has been slowly getting better day by day. But believe me this is such an emotional rollercoaster. And Im still doing the one step forward, two steps back. It used to be one step forward, five steps back ( remember Unsure?). Just hang in there. Believe it or not you will get through this. Remember you have people here that are here for you. Take care of your self, its the best thing you can do.Unsure, Im glad you had a good weekend. I did too. Doesnt it feel better to not worry about your WH and just take care of your self. Thats good he is being honest w/ you about the OW. Although it may not be what you want to hear. Keep biting that tounge. Mine has teeth marks too. LBing is my biggest problem. One of the things Ive been doing when I want to LB is getting in the car and take a little drive, just clear my head and regroup. The thoughts that help me are: Im not going to let him make me unhappy, Im not going to let him determain my worth, Im not going to let satin win this one, God is taking care of us, and THIS IS MY LIFE. So which ever way this goes, I know Ive done my best. And Im not making any rash decisions. I'll leave that up to my H.As for me, Im ok today. Just hangin in there. The trainer job pays GREAT so that will help. Plus I can set my own hours and bring my baby to the daycare. My issues for the moment are, what plans does my H have. I get the feeling he has a plan . I know I shouldnt worry about it, but at the same time I need to watch my back. I feel like hes waiting for me to get on my feet then he can leave. I dont know? Im just sticking to my plan. Still showing him that I love him and this is his home. He has been home alot, but hes still distant in someways. Im trying not to figure him out. He has lied so much that I wouldnt put anything past him. I wish I could believe him that he is trying whole heartedly . But his actions speek louder than words. I dont know, got to talk my self out of these thoughts again. Got to pray my heart out again. Got to make this day a good one again.You guys take care. And hang in there.PI

PI -- I'm in a bit of crunch at work right now, so no time for a long post -- BUT I did want you to know what Jennifer Harley Chalmers said to me last week in counseling. She said you have a plan and the WH and OW most likely do not. That's the advantage. The WH may seem to you like they have a plan, but they barely have a grip on what's going on; much less a plan.
Just wanted you to know that.

Thanks for the encouragement P I. I posted my 'story' under the just found out section. I felt like I could relate to your story because I am at home with kids and am financially dependent on WH, also my WH made video with OW (fortunately I didn't see it, he told me about it when he was coming clean for the 2nd time [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] ). I still have my up and down days, but realize that most people here are the same way. Right now he has no contact and is doing all the right things, but I don't know whether to buy it or not because of 2 yrs. of lying/manipulating, and 1 more yr. of coming clean and pretending it was over when it wasn't. I'm at the point now where I'm trying not to focus on what he is or isn't doing. I want to do what I'm supposed to do regardless of what he does. I try to remember to look to Jesus as my example, that way I don't get discouraged. I must say this whole horrible experience has strengthened me spiritually if nothing else.
Happily I can say I had a good day today because I did some of the things you and unsureheart mentioned. I prayed, read my Bible, journaled, and did some things for myself for once.
I have the book The Power of a Praying Wife that was mentioned previously. I pulled that out again. I felt it did me a lot of good in the past. I felt like my prayers really made a difference in the last year, especially when they were focused on the areas the book suggested. Of course when I was praying I didn't realize he was still seeing her!
Anyway, I hope that things get better for you. You seem to be handling things very well. I pray that your situation improves.
I guess we just have to remember God is in control no matter how bad and out of sorts things may seem. Take care.

Hi there PI, I too am in the same boat as you,but im the betrayed male in this awful situation. i would not wish this on my worst enemy. There is no worse pain in this world than being fooled. It has been almost 4 months since D-day and im still going crazy inside.In which im on Celexa..max dose,60mgs daily,and it really truly helps, i needed it before but never seeked help,but thats another story. i have been married going on 12 years this november,and im only 29 and my WW,is 28,yeah so age has played a pretty good role in my situation,got married to young,didnt know what love really was..so on and so on...anyways,i dont regret what i have did or been through,i see it as i am 50% reliable for my wifes affair,just my opinion,yeah she should of told me along time ago and kicked me to the curb,but she didnt and thats why im still here...anyways i have the same exact thoughts as you,i cant even mention anything about her affair or she gets mad and makes me feel as if i was the one who had the affair.i have had lots of opprotunities to do so but i am to chicken **** to do it anyways,no matter how much someone was fillin my emotional needs. Well what i am trying to say is get yourself a job,in which i bet your husband dont want you to have no part of that. You need to feel independent,in which mentally i'm sure you are but physically you aint,or vise versa,but it sure would make decisions easier within yourself,see he knows you rely on him and thinks he is irreplaceable,but much to his suprise,he most definately is. If ya go to recovery part of this board and go back a month or two and read my posts, youll see where im coming from,the same boat as you. My wife has told me all the details and all but there is just something inside of me that has not been answered,what it is i have no clue,i am walkin on pins and needles all the time,makin sure that i do the right thing,see i told my wife a while back that i felt like i was kissing her butt instead of her kissing mine,go figure..lol My main question is,how could you keep this a secret for a year and a half,the SEX thing only happened 5 times over that period,and i know for sure,cause we all worked together,my question is,how can she just give something up that has been in her mind for more that a year,something that she thought about everyday and still does.her answer was,"it wasnt that strong not to be able to walk away" Cheese and Rice,am i ever confused,was it just a sex thing? anyways,i would like to talk to you more,if ya dont mind cause we pretty much have the same situation on our hands,i almost everyday tell my self..okay your not gonna love bust today,and normally i dont,usually it builds up about 3 or 4 days and then i ask one little simple question and she says you already asked that and says,"HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO MOVE TOWARD THE FUTURE WHEN YOU BRING UP THE PAST?" duh, i told her,you dont even have a darn clue,and i told her that i hope she never has to go through it in her lifetime,because i'd rather be burning in hell than to have to deal with this. We are,at this present moment in time,doing pretty good,pretty much all up to me,why? i guess i will learn soon enough, She had the perfect opprotunity to end it when it all came out and she chose not too,so that has to tell me something,she is not co-dependent or anything and her family has lots of cash"ola" to go around to help her so i think she really loves me, I think it was like 2 or 3 days after i found out about her Affair that we made love and she broke down in tears and i asked her what was the matter,she said that it meant so much more to her than with the OM, yeah right,so i told myself,but i give her credit for being honest,cause she aint the crying type by no means,anyways,jeesh i wish i had the time to continue cause i could go on and on and on and on and on and on and on..lol,but the sun has set and i must wake my loving wife and take her to bed,to snuggle by the way,something i learned that she wanted,cause whenever she would touch me in any way,,i assumed it was a sexual touch..bla bla bla...lol..i cant help it..im in my prime...i need it...lol well i sure hope all goes well for you and only you can decide what to do at the right time,it will come to you out of the blue,whether your reading posts or whatever,what will happen will be meant to be. take care and get a job dam_N it..lol see ya around...hope i didnt ramble to much but this too also helps me so much that it aint even a bit funny... love and peace to you and your family..
Married-11 yrs
2Gether- 13 yrs
3 beautiful children(11,10,4) (why the gap in age..ugg...i wish i knew..lmaoo)
D-day..Jan 18,2002
in recovery every since
and doing pretty well,,,i guess...but i love her with all my heart.

Thanks for your posts,Would like to chat w/ you more as well. Not having a good day at all. Need help. Please se my post on Q"s " HELP!!! Just got into it last night"PI [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

PI -- I saw your post on Gen. Qs. What should you do? I think if you can leave it at your letter you should and if he raises it with you directly; try and stick to the concepts/words you used in your letter.It is HARD I know (and I'm not always so good at taking my own advice in the heat of the moment). Your WH and mine (and most others that I see described on this board) absolutely are trying to use the "problems" in your relationship to justify their ongoing affairs. It stinks big time, but it is a part of what they have to do. It was explained to me as cognitive dissonance -- they have to make up things in their mind and try to convince themselves that is reality when it is not as their only way of coping in doing something that they KNOW DARN WELL is JUST PLAIN WRONG AND CRUEL. It's like their minds just can't cope with the fact they are doing something so awful (the dissonance part). They have to do to this because they are not ready to admit they are doing something really, really wrong and that it doesn't comport with what human beings should do to eachother.It helps me to know that many of the WH are doing this same thing -- it helped me to see that it was NOT specific to me. Sure, we all (BS) did things that contributed to the withering of our marriages BUT that in no way justifies the affair, the behavior, and the crazy-making of how they try to pin the whole thing on the BS.You just have to ride it out and recognize that this comes from the cognitive dissonance/the coping/the alien invading their body to help them cope. He HAS to believe he's justified in order to function. It's not right. It's not accurate, but it's what's happening in his mind. It's crazy-making for me and you.I hope one of the old timer responds to your post in GQII. I can only offer my support and empathy. I am going through the exact same thing. My WH is trying to say we're incompatible and always have been. Why the doodle would you stay with somebody for 14 years if we were so darn incompatible? It just doesn't make sense based on all of the good things/good times and struggles we have been through. What your WH is saying to you now is NOT REALITY. Keep remembering that.Also remember that you are good and strong and are being the best mother and wife you can be right now. You are in my prayers.

Hi All! I have to say all, because there are so many of you now! I was unable to log on the last few days, and boy did I have a lot of reading to do this morning! I am thrilled PI that you have found your strength in the Lord! Praise God that you are getting on with things. Having been through the same fire, I know how God can work when you do His will, and although the outcome wasn't what I expected, it was all worth it!

I dont' recall whether or not I mentioned I started praying for my H again, but I have, and I've been feeling alot better myself!Unsure heart, he will come around, keep doing what you're doing! I'm glad you had a good weekend! Being with family is so important too!Hinderingus,and feelinallalone, You are not alone! I remember feeling the exact same way, that I was the only one going through this. I was so grateful that I am not the only one left in believing in the vows I made! So many people, no matter how long they have known me, still wonder why I am waiting, but when the Lord gives you clear direction, who are you to listen to? Definately not man, but God.I know that in all the hell that I went through, I grew closer to Jesus, and it was He that got me through it. I am a completely different person today! Let me just share with you as breifly as I know how, what He has done for me...When I was first M, I was in the music business, I am a singer. I was winning awards and opening concerts for big names (Country Music). my goal was to become a star, and that was all there was too it! In 1993, not only did my career suddenly fall apart, but within 2 years the A's started with my H. and before you know it he was gone.
I was a believer at that time, and knew I needed Jesus more that anything at that time. A missionary told me that if I wanted my life to go well, that I should become the "holiest woman I could become" Best advice I ever received! I was determined to do so, and like Unsureheart, I wrote in my journal every day, tried to give thanks for all things , and started to seek God in every move I made.
AS the years have passed since then, my life has changed drastically, I am no longer in the country music scene, am still singing, but now it's strictly for the Lord, and so much more rewarding. The Lord has given me a teaching studio, I teach at least 60 students voice and guitar each year. I gave up my singing career (the one I had planned) and left it in the Lord's hands. Now recently, so many doors are opening for me, I have been getting phone calls like crazy, to sing at different venues. I got to sing O Canada the opening night of the Brier (Curling Champ. Cnd.) at the Saddledome, I have recently been able to record a gospel song, written specifically for me about my wait..
I have just been offered to do a showcase of gospel music, during Country Music week in Sept. Wow. I'm blown away. I recall a verse the Lord gave me ages ago. "He who seeks his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake, will find it." In the book of Matthew.
I did give it all to the Lord, and gave it up, letting go of the dream. Even though I always knew that I was meant to be on stage, and now He is slowly putting me back there! Little bits at a time, and I'm not lifting a finger this time, it's truly amazing.
I am truly grateful that I can be an encouragement to others, as that has always been a prayer of mine. When we go through the fire, and come out on the other side, we are able to help others through that same fire, and I believe that is why we go through it in the first place.
I pray God's blessings on each of you, may He comfort you in your time of need, and may He get you through (if you let Him) in one piece! God bless you all![ April 25, 2002: Message edited by: Monika ]

Monika,
Wow. God is good! It is great to hear how God is blessing you, and using you to encourage others. Thank you for sharing that. It shows someone like me, who is feeling discouraged, how God can bless us, and lift us up despite what is going on around us, if we are obedient.
I'm glad to hear you are praying for your H again. As you already know, God is able. I pray that your H will come around. Thanks again for your encouragement and your testimony.

Hi All!Sorry I havent replyed back. Thanks for your concern in Gen. Q's. Its nice to know that people care.I have been good. Great actualy. I think I hit a turning point after that whole car chasing incodent. I think it started with the pain of my daughter. I am so sorry she had to go through that. I wish I could take her pain away. All I can do now is do whats best for my kids. I dont want to see them get hurt through all of this. They are so inocent.Well, all of a sudden I just started letting go. Really letting go (i hope, you no how emotions change from day to day). I have to. I cant worry about my H. I have to take care of my kids and my self. So I am trying not to have anymore outbursts. What ever happens between us only God will know. I cant make my H try (im finally getting that), cant make him love me again, and I cant make him see what he is doing. He is in such a fog! I guess he will come out of it on his own? He is still in contact w/OW. Im still here, hes still here. No papers of any sort have been filed. We're just taking things day by day. I do feel like he has a plan. My plan for now is Plan A big time. I hope and pray it works. I will try my hardest not to LB him. I see how that drives him away.Little bits of sadness here and there. But for the most part Im feeling great. I feel like going forward for me and my kids. My H chooses to be a victom and I nor anyone else can help him. I will however love him and stick to my vows. Im not giving up on us. I have been getting many signs from God. I feel God is on our side. Im keeping the faith.How are all of you? Ive been wondering about you all. Please let me know. Hope all is well.Stay strong!PI

Hi PI -- I am hoping that things are going better for you. How are you and your kids doing? Is your WH still looking at what you are posting?My WH knows that I post on this site, but he hasn't actually read any of this himself. He is really struggling with all of this. There was a breakthrough last night in that he showed up at the house late last night and stated that he was a) miserable, b) sorry for what he had done, and c) could not understand why he had done it. He did go on to say that we had significant problems in our marriage. I agreed with that. Now, today, he's back to being kind of a jerk. One step forward, two steps back.It has been just over three months since d-day and he is just now seeing/admitting that we did have problems, but that was/is no excuse for his behavior.I have some hope -- I wanted to give you some. My WH said all the things that yours is saying -- rewriting history/he never really loved me, he did love me but was not in love with me, he was always unhappy, etc etc. Now, he at least is acknowledging that his unhappiness is not entirely my fault and that what he did was wrong. Small steps, but such a difference.Please post -- I would really like to know how you are doing. I'll also check in over on General QII.

Hi PI, I haven't heard from you for a while, hoping you're still ok. Please email me or respond here, and let me know you're ok. I have send you a few emails, and I'm not sure that you're getting them. Let me know. God Bless!

Hey All,Sorry I havent got back to you in awhile. Been busy w/new job. I am re posting this info. Plus I have some new info.My last post in gen Q states that my WH is slowly coming around. Well, he has the nerve(get this) to ask if I would mind if his ex girlfriend could come to our sons 1st b-day party! Can you believe him? They arnt even friends anymore, this is the ex right before me, and he knows I dont care for her. Through all of his pain he needed to reach out to people who knew him well. They were friends before they dated. So he called her last week. Now she has his work #. Now they are friends again. She called him today to see how he was doing. What a heck of a time to rekinndle an old love.So, we got into it big time. LBing all the way. I couldnt help myself.. Im so tired of him not understanding how hes hurting me. Its all about him. All he talks about is his pain, what hes going through, how im the one who changed him, made him this way, he cant forgive me for hurting him in the past, we cant communicate, blah,blah,blah. I am soooooo sick of his excuses and cop-outs! the second I say anything to him about what he has or is doing, he does the"you see, you dont understand me"!! "We cant communicate"!! "its not about her or the A, its about us"!! Im so sick of him taking the focus off of what he is doing. How do I handel this? Please help. This is driving me crazy. All I want to do is get along.I think he was just being nice so when he asks for a DV, I will be ok. I dont know. When he hurts me this way I just want to move. At least he cant hurt me if Im not here.But my heart doesnt ever want us to seperate. HELP GUYS!!Monika, I wrote you back.Unsure, Im so glad to hear your H is slowly comming around. But just like you said, one step forward, two steps back. This stinks! I cant believe the garbage us BS put up with. I cant wait for the fog to lift. If it ever does. I think your H's fog is slowly lifting. If he can actually see what he has done,thats a great sign.. Its just going to take so much time. I think you are about 1 month ahead of us? Hopefully my H will get there in a month. Ive been talking to Orchid on the phone, she lives near me. Shes way past us, so she tells me whats ahead or what my H is doing, what phases. It really helps me. Maybe you should send her a post? Well, have a great weekend! I will try. We are going to be busy all weekend so I might not get a chance to post. Take care. PI

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by P I:

So, we got into it big time. LBing all the way. I couldnt help myself.. Im so tired of him not understanding how hes hurting me. Its all about him. All he talks about is his pain, what hes going through, how im the one who changed him, made him this way, he cant forgive me for hurting him in the past, we cant communicate, blah,blah,blah. I am soooooo sick of his excuses and cop-outs! the second I say anything to him about what he has or is doing, he does the"you see, you dont understand me"!! "We cant communicate"!! "its not about her or the A, its about us"!! Im so sick of him taking the focus off of what he is doing. How do I handel this? Please help. This is driving me crazy. All I want to do is get along.I think he was just being nice so when he asks for a DV, I will be ok. I dont know. When he hurts me this way I just want to move. At least he cant hurt me if Im not here.But my heart doesnt ever want us to seperate. HELP GUYS!!<hr></blockquote>Sorry to hear your situation ... it is very common for WS to still blame it game on BS, it shows that they are in a very deep fog. What to do ? this is my 2¢, duck ! and stay clear from their path. Take a break from H and get very busy ... when H put your back against the wall, tell H that you don't care who is right who is wrong, you just want to learn to move on. Let H stare at their A point blank. WS will try to engage you to confirm their fog !. Don't fall for it. Use fogese back to your H but no LB !!!, just let H knows if you bring your exSweetHeart to the birth day, how does he feel ?.Hang in there ... it seems that your H is still in deep fog. Try to stay away from H for now until you feel better.-RH-

Hi Redhat,Thanks. I need that kind of advise. I really need to learn how to avoid my WH's b**s***. I cant feed into it. Its just so hard with my emotions so strong. I totaly wear my heart on my sleeve. Please keep giving me advise on how to deal with this behavior. Sometimes I do well, can brush him off and not let him get to me. But my biggest problem is LBing. That has always been an issue with me. And now he does it. I need to learn how to give short answers. And to not ask questions. I need to not talk about the A or our M. Right??? I think we are totaly in a plan A right now. He is trying in his own way. And I have changed in my own way. I can tell this new job will help alot. I do need to keep busy. Also I set some goals for myself . Things Ive been wanting to do for a long time but always put them off. As Im getting better and becoming a better PI, Ive noticed my H's way is starting to irritate me. But I still love him and see the man I married underneath. OW doesnt know who that man is. She thinks she knows him. The man she knows is a lie. What makes me sick is they both think they know each other so well and noone else understands them. Such a dreamland!Anyways, he is at church talking with Father David. This is a HUGE step forward!!!! He made the appointment himself. And on Mothers day. He bought me shoes, candy, flowers, starbucks, pastries, and a card. He even told me he loved me Friday. I almost jumped out of my skin! I still dont know how to read all of this. Because hes not really showing me the kind of love he used to. Its almost like hes eaither #1 Just being nice so were on good terms until he gets a DV or decideds what he really wants. #2 Is truly trying but is coming around very slowly. I say this because he can still act like he hates me. Hes not affectionate. The card wasnt mushy. He still doesnt sleep in the same bed. It just seems like hes still not with me. How do I take this? I have said I love you to him and he mumbled it back. Like he didnt want to say it. That one time he said it on his own. Oh yeah, he is still coming home late from work. But on the weekends hes here.????????????????ThanksPI

PI -- I am glad to see that he was at least willing to meet with your priest. It really is one step forward two steps back -- I am having EXACTLY the same thoughts as you right now. Sometimes, I feel like the WH is really trying to sort this out and other times I am consumed with thoughts that he's only being nice now so that he can proceed with a DV and be able to tell people that he tried (when he really did not try at all). I am really trying hard not to snoop, but it's days like today that I think maybe he is still seeing OW and is just pretending to try and recover/sort out his confusion to throw me off.I don't think there is much to be done about these feelings. As I understand all of this MB and plan A I need to not focus on what he is doing. Remember that we cannot control what the WH is or is not doing. All we can do is concentrate on ourselves. It is so hard to remember some days; especially the days when you think there is a glimmer of hope. I just wanted you to know that I am there with you on this. It is crazy making for sure. I am trying to stay positive and expect nothing at this juncture. It is still pretty early in the mess for both of us. From what I have read here, Orchid gives good advice. I am glad you have been seeking her support and guidance. How was your weekend?

Hi Unsure--I think we may be married to the same man. Sure sounds like it. Yeah, this sucks. But it is nice to know that there are other people out there who feel the same and are going through the same crap. Other people are starting to think Im crazy for hanging on. They dont see things the way I do. They dont know the things Ive learned from this site.I do see how far Ive come along threw plan A. And still loving my H. I have know idea what he really wants and I dont know if he really knows what he wants. So Im not going to rack my brain over it. Im just going to give Plan A my best and hope he sees that and doesnt give up on us.Im glad to hear your ok. Hope your doing things for your self. Im trying to. Although ,we have been doing things together on the weekends. Do you know if your H is still with OW?Take care,
PI

Oh PI -- I know what you mean by people telling you to give up. My boss and many of my friends/his friends look at me like I am the alien when I say I am still trying. They think that plan A makes me look like a doormat. On the other hand, they all agree that this is NOT the man I married and that the goodness in him is buried somewhere. Every day is really a struggle. I still love my WH so much, but he is not around and I only see him on the weekends and he is so confused/stressed out. Thankfully, I have another counseling session on Wed. night with Jennifer Harley. I really need it right now. I feel like my patience is dwindling fast. I am not typically the most patient person and it is so hard every day not to throw in the towel. I want my marriage to work.On the other hand, I feel like my life is on hold -- like I am in limbo. Part of me wants to know today what is going to happen so that I can make some decisions. I realize that is just not possible right now, but boy is this hard.I am so thankful for you and this website and everyone on it. When I am feeling absolutely crazy; like I cannot take another minute (which seems to happen every other day. At least it's not every day anymore) I come here and see that everyone is going through almost the same thing.Take care.

Hey Unsure!WOW! You are just like me. I am not very patient eaither. One day I want to fight for my marriage and the next I want to give up. I too feel like Im in limbo. It sucks big time. And WH's moods and additudes are driving me crazy. I have been doing good on not letting him see that. And little by little Im getting better at not LBing. Also Im feeling better and better about my self. Doing things for myself and not worrieing about my H. It is sooo hard. Because I do go back and forth all the time. This wesite and people like you really do help you to keep focused. I lose my way all the time. But I just jump right back on track asap. One ting I have learned, is dont make any rash decisions . And dont make any decisions with in the first year. Always make your decisions with a clear mind. I tend to want to give up when Im upset. After I calm down I remember my focus. And it helps when you have kids. Its easier to pick up and leave when you dont.I hope your doing good. Let me know.Take care!
PI

P I,Sorry I am in and out of MB quick since I don't have much time and try to plan A'ng my 2 D ... I am glad that unsureheart keeping you company. <blockquote>quote:<hr>I only have one comment, men like us is dumb in relationship. You have to train us ... from your last post ..
Anyways, he is at church talking with Father David. This is a HUGE step forward!!!! He made the appointment himself. And on Mothers day. He bought me shoes, candy, flowers, starbucks, pastries, and a card. He even told me he loved me Friday. I almost jumped out of my skin! I still dont know how to read all of this. Because hes not really showing me the kind of love he used to. Its almost like hes eaither #1 Just being nice so were on good terms until he gets a DV or decideds what he really wants. #2 Is truly trying but is coming around very slowly. I say this because he can still act like he hates me. Hes not affectionate. The card wasnt mushy. He still doesnt sleep in the same bed. It just seems like hes still not with me. How do I take this? I have said I love you to him and he mumbled it back. Like he didnt want to say it. That one time he said it on his own. Oh yeah, he is still coming home late from work. But on the weekends hes here.????????????????<hr></blockquote>
The big thing is H tries ... you should jump on him and show him your appreciation ... give him a reward !. If he like french kiss ... give him one [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] ... The key word in here is reward. Give H a reward for being a good boy to encourage H to do more.You could win this, with time you will get him to fillin your EN. It won't happen over night but step by step. Remember you are in plan A, no expectation from H !!!.-RH-

RH-OOOO, REWARD. Did not even think of that. See, women can be dumb in relationships also. Hee hee.But, different turn today. I want to jump to Plan B. I can not stand how WH treats me. Like hes trying one minute then hes mean all over again. He stoped wearing his wedding ring, doesnt want to go anywhere with me and when he does he acts sooo unhappy. Like he wishes he was w/ someone else.So i dont want to be hurt anymore. Im sick of being nice to someone who treats me like crap. I told him this. I also said" I dont have to play nice anymore". "You want me to help you and co operate, then you need to be nice to me and you need to show me some respect( as in,bringing our son around OW and bringing OW around in public) I said, I dont expect anything else from you. But if you dont want me to get ulgy, you better be good to me. Then he tried to do his bable crap and I just walked away. I said" when you learn to speak english, I will listen. I dont understand your bableing( got that one from Orchid, thanks girl!). And guess what! He came up to me and said he will be nice to me and show me respect. ha ha!!So this is where Im at. I want to go to Plan B because my WH got his father to kick us out of his home. Nice, huh. His parents are in Guam. He has been telling them" you shopuld kick us out, we dont deserve this house, we cant take care of it". I know he did this so we could go our seperate ways. Hes so messed up. So, thats what Ill give him. But that means he wont get everything else he wants. Thats where hes really messed up.I just cant believe this.PI

P I,Reward for good behavior it has nothing to do with his disrespect. When H cross that boundry, you remind him and play fogese back to H. Remember when WS is in the fog, expect nothing come out from WS until they are out from it. Only you could decide when to go to plan B. However don't start on low notes of your plan A and do it w/ no warning.For starter you have to get plan B letter drafted and start thinking about the logistic. You are very close to have to plan B'ng.-RH-

Thaks RH,Today was a good day for me. Im feelin better and bettr about my self these days. I see how plan A is supposed to work. And even though my H can be a butt head, I still love him and know that his is a good man. We have both made our mistakes in this relationship, I do know my part and have been working on it. As for my H, I cant make him do a thing, nor do I want to anymore. I just want to be a better person for myself , my kids, and yes my Husband. I am getting sick of his additude. So Im just not going to put up with it. And Im not going to LB. Ive been doing good w/no LBing. I told him, I dont have to be nice or play nice. He knows that. And I know he doesnt want me to get ulgy.Right now my main concern is my 10yr old D. She is really hurt by all of this. He is treating everyone like everything is their fault. She even asked me" are we getting kicked out because of me'? " Thats what dad told me"She has been crying almost everyday. She has so many questions. Shes acting out. My H refuses to say this has anything to do w/what he has done. I cant even get into that. Too frustrating. I need to protect my kids. What should I do? I dont want to take them out of their home, I dont want to seperate. But I cant see my daughter like this. I should explain about the crying, she cries everyday about everything, getting in trouble, etc... But the fact is she is crying .PI

P I,I have 9 year old also. They are very resillient ... you have to show your strength, and show them that you will not leave them no matter what and you are going to do what best for her. They take cue from you !!!!. I only shed my tears once in front of them, I stayed away from "manipulating" them or putting them in the middle. I never say everything is going to be alright ... it won't be, facing to loose family member is not alright. I comfort them and be their best dad and mom at the same time. I told them that no matter what we still love mommy even we are not agree with her behavior. My world revolves around them [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . My WW still point finger at me however my 2 D secretly tell me what they think of her words !!!. Stand tall P I and let your daughter gain strength from you. Teach you D to shut WS up w/o LB'ed. My youngest told my WS to talk to me b/c she doesn't want to hear all the negaive thing that she try to put on me !. The big one could say I don't want to hear that I love my dad !. Also when I vente or slipped about WS, she also stop me w/ the same word [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .Your WS is the same as my WW, deep in the fog. They put kids in the middle and think that they will be fine. I told my WS to no avil then I stopped b/c if she ever dare to push for CC, she might even loose them that what she has now. Second, it is an LB'ed to her.Give extra attentions and assurance that you love her !. Give her assurance that moving out it will be a headache but it is not the end of the world. -RH-

PI -- I'm sorry I wasn't here last night. Regarding your daughter, I agree with redhat. You need to stand tall and let her see that you are there for her no matter what. I would explain that no she isn't the cause of ANY of this. I think that is the main comfort you can provide her right now. I am so sorry that she is experiencing this, but as long as you show her as much love as you can, that is about all you can do. You can't make your WH act like a caring thoughtful person right now. Ugh, I feel for you.I completely lost it yesterday. The OW "accidentally" called me at home at 7:15 on a Sunday morning. Unbelievable. I picked up the phone and the person hung up. I hit star 69 to get the number of the last incoming call and it was her. I called her and said, hello this is mrs. so and so and why did you call? She made up a really lame excuse. I said "whatever" and hung up. I called my WH (remember we are separated) and said why in the bleep would the OW be calling me at home since he doesn't even live there. I think there is trouble in paradise. He seemed (although it's hard to tell over the phone) pretty incredulous that she would call me at home. This whole thing is getting so weird. I know what you mean about wanting to go to plan B. I was so upset. Then WH came over and offered to do yard work/mow the lawn/make lunch, etc. I think he was feeling pretty badly that she had called. At one point I thought I was going to burst into tears in front of him, but I calmly got up and went into the bathroom. Cried my eyes out and then stuck a cold wash cloth on my face so that it would be less obvious. I am almost at the point where I just cannot take this anymore. I'm thinking about you and your daughter today -- sending good thoughts to you and hoping your day is a an up one.

Hi Friends!Yes, its been awhile since Ive posted here. My WH has been snooping and writing back some of my email buddies from this web site. I find it pretty amusing. He was trying to tell "his side of the story".Still in plan A. Doing good with it. Starting to really understand what its all about. WH is very frustrated latly because he doesnt know what to do with his guilt so he tries to find anything and everything to blame me for. And I dont even let him bother me. Which makes him even more frustrated and sound like a fool with all the babble that comes out of his mouth. Makes no sense at all. I find this very amusing also.Orchid has been helping me soooo much! Thank God! Because as we all know , everyday is different. And it really helps to have someone there to help you get back on the right track when you have one of those days. It is getting better and better everyday. And another good thing, WH and OW are always fighting now! And I have nothing to do with it! I love it!!! Ha Ha ! So, getting better, doing better, and feeling better. But this morning I was depressed. Went to the mall and all of a sudden every woman looked like OW or one of her friends. I feel like the whole world knows and I cant go anywhere. I feel like Im going to bump into her one day soon. I really need to move. Then I started feeling worse and thinking, why did he do this to us? Am I stupid? Everytime I looked at my babys face, I wanted to cry. I just think, his entire life was filled with lies. And it continues. Its so sad. I am feeling better now. I guess we just get one of those days. Im just glad those days arnt everyday again.My D is still not doing well. Im always worried about her. I know if my H doesnt change, something will have to. I hate seeing her this way. Alot on her mind. Alot of questions.My H and I met w/ Orchid this Sunday to talk. Shes great. WH talked alot about his feelings. And Orchid pointed out alot good points that he never heard before. Weve never talked with someone who was in our situation. I think the meeting went well. Hopefully he will do it again. We really need help. But he does claim he didnt do that to save our marriage. He just wants to be heard (justified).And he talked and cried about his feelings, his pain that I gave to him. Barely mentioned the A. Never mentioned OW. Or the fact that he is still seeing her. Thats ok, I was expecting that. H is still in super thick fog. It will take time. Meanwhile I cant get my hopes up and I have to move forward. Which is always a good thing.Please let me know how all of you are doing. Im thinking about you all. Hope all is well.PI

P I,Hey, I envy you for having Orchid on the house call .... LOL !!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . I never met Orchid but God Bless her heart, she help me too via phone. I am glad you see the point of plan A. Yes, if you let WS alone, they will have to stare their A at point blank !. WS makes them self a fool !. My 2 D coaches told me to have the 2 D on my watch and switch the visitation days if there is a contest !. They are also told my WS this morning too. My oldest missed two events since she was coming very late to the Memorial Day competition !. The funny part of it she blamed it on me. LOL !!!. I called her to let her know that she would be late if she was not going at that moment. However she was still late. I didn't do plan B, she did .... she rejected my plan A a long time ago.Anyway, I have a great time at the Carnival ... see my post to SeaHorse. [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] . You live in the bayarea, you know what Carnival looks like ... you may even see me buzzing in and out of the parade on tv. I hope I don't start having MLC [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] !.The best thing that you could help your D is showing that this is not normal situation but you will survive and you will be happy again. I help my 2D by being strong and show them that thing is hard for all of us but we will survive this and we will be happy family again w/ or w/o WS. My 2D moved to acceptance very quick because of that and know that someone watching their best interest !. However in her thickest fog, she thought that they accept her A !!!, little that she know about our dinner table conversations, their views on her behaviors ... I just listened to my little angels, sometime I have to swallow my tears.Again w/ your D, keep most of her schedule the same and if you have to change it is because it is good for her and she enjoys it [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . Stability is the main issue. Have you attend kid in the middle ?, it is very good breif program but you could join parenting class that they offer. If you lived close to San Bruno, my church has a very excelent program and staff to help out.Hang in there ... Fog will be lifted, just a matter of time, ... just see the GG Bridge, even the thickest fog will be gone and replace w/ sunshine. Hope WS will be there to enjoy it. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] I found the link to the website. You might see me holding camera in the middle of the street [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] .[ May 28, 2002: Message edited by: redhat ]

Hey PI, good to hear that the 2 of you got together with Orchid, I wish I lived closer to you, I would so love to have an evening just to talk! I have been wanting to email you, does he know, that you know, that the A is still ongoing?
I sure feel his need to open up. I hope he will do so with you soon. AS much as the OW is an issue, he has other issues that he needs to air, just from his email alone, he is hurting. He is definately going about working on it in the wrong way (ie the OW), but he is in pain, even though he is inflicting pain on you, he needs to be heard.
Pray about how to deal with this. You are his wife, listen to him, even though it's about him, he needs to know that you will be there to listen.
If you are coming back at him with your own pain, he will not want to open up to you. Try with all your heart, to listen, and be there for him. This is not being a doormat, but a loving caring wife. I'm sure once he feels he can talk to you, all of the truth will come out.
Email me again, soon, know that prayers for you and H are out there. Praise God that He is in control, (hence the fighting with OW). God will not allow this to continue if your H heart is pure toward Him! I believe he truly wants to reconnect with the Lord, I will pray that for him too. God Bless you, til the next email,....

Hey guys!RH: Yeah, im trying my hardest for thr kids. My D sees right through H. I have to explain to her that he is going thru things and doesnt mean to take it out on you. I tell her not to take everything so personal. Same applies to me, I havent been in the greatest of moods. But I do keep the comunication open with my D. I wish my H would.StillWaiting: I want to be there for him and listen to his pain. But I know that a huge part of it is an excuse to get out. His pain justifys his actions. I gave him this pain, therefore its my fault. You see how he works? He has been the BIGGEST lier thru this entire thing. I dont know what to believe anymore. True, his feelings are valid but he talks about his pain while his is continueing his A. He completely focuses on what I did to him in the past, and barley touches on the A which is still going on. Like its ok.What should I do? Im still keeping my faith and hanging on. Everything that comes out of his mouth is about us DV. He wants it to be unfixable. When I say Im not giving up, he tells me how he doesnt want to try and says it cant work. Its like he wants out but doesnt want to say it.Yes, he knows I know hes still w/OW. But he will not admit the truth. He also lies big time to OW.I will email you too.God Bless,PI

I can sure sense your frustration PI, but a good thing is that he is lying to OW, shows that he won't be around her for much longer! You said they're fighting too? Great! Something is bound to break. Keep on praying, it is obviously working regarding the OW. Continue to pray that God will put a wedge between them, and that He will make you the best wife to your H, that He will give you the strength to do so.
God be with you today and always, I look forward to your email.
M