Am I a HUGE idiot or what? Boaz please assist.

I guess somebody needs to explain things to me.We now have two people here who have said that they only want select people to respond to their posts. Without going thru the whole quote thing please take my word for it.I don't get it. Now, if I have a specific question, 'Boaz how was your day', I can understand waiting for an answer from Boaz specifically. But in usual threads an idea, theory or question is posted, and those that feel as if they have some sort of response that is related post it.Would it be easier if we made some sort of list people could refer to so this could be followed? This would prevent what I saw earlier today where someone said outright that they did not want someone answering their posts.Or in the signature line of the original poster maybe they could put that opinions are only welcomed from "religion, race, sex, ethnicity, education level".Might that be counter productive though? I was of the understanding - correct me if I am wrong - that this was a board where people could openly exchange ideas regarding their marriage and how it has affected their life or how their life has affected their marriage. I registered here in September of 2000, and when I am not actively posting I lurk. I have learned more from the people who are different from me than the ones that are like me. The different perspective people bring can be a true eye opener.I am also concerned by the issue of people directing other posters to a different part of this forum. That happened today on EN, and a few weeks ago on GQ2. Now, I can understand when a newbie comes and goes right to Div/Div and posts something about having D-Day last night, and then people respond sympatheticly and explain that there is a whole section called Just Found Out and that they would find many people in the same stew there and that it would be a really strong supportive environment for them to check out.I feel as if I have lost my mind and my direction. As a divorced person I feel that I have good insights for those on most of these boards, am I correct in assuming that I may share these insights? And, also I feel as if many people need the reminder that although a person may be divorced that does not mean that they do not still have hope that the marriage might once again become a wonderful reality.When I read a post that speaks to me in some way, am I free to answer it even though I am of a differing religion or a different color than the person that wrote it? There are many posts I see that are from people who have experienced things like I did, and although they might be on the West Coast I still feel as if my information to them is relevant. Is it inappropriate for me to respond to a post that I do not identify with from my own personal history, but I just want to tell the person I feel for them and wish them only the best?I feel as if I need specific direction in this, and would appreciate any answers people have for me.Elizabeth

Elizabeth,This post has some merrit. There have been many instances lately of people requesting a specific person only or telling others to get off their threads. It is a public forum - and since it is - there are often other perspectives that could be shared. Personally I welcome most perspectives, whether I agree with them or not. I do tend to have an opinion of my own - on most issues. Right wrong or indifferent - it's my opinion and it's just as valuable as anyone else's.Thanks [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] Jan

As person who once moderated a huge forum like this with similar personality clashes the answer is the same here(I believe) as it was there: if you only want specific people to answer either put it in the subject line or take it to private e-mail. JtW, you're not doing anything wrong by responding to posts where you feel you may have insight. This forum is a public place and as such the posters are subject to commentary by the general public. As long as there's no flaming I can't see why anyone would not be free to offer an opinion in a public place. People who get uptight and say I only want to hear from "X" kind of people really need to rethink their posting in public for all the world to see. Anyway, that's MHO, YMMV[ April 05, 2002: Message edited by: Nduli2 ]

Hi,This is a public forum, and ANYONE can post ANYWHERE.That said, if someone asks someone else not to post to their thread, it is "polite" not to respond, out of respect for the originator. However, that's between the originator and the poster in question, and I won't get involved in that (unless the thread originator asks me to delete a thread entirely, as I did for someone this morning).AGAIN, ALL ARE WELCOME, and this is a PUBLIC FORUM.

If you don't mind my intruding... I wonder if part of the issue has to do with a persons comfort level and trust in this board. I remember when I first posted. Karenna gave me a response that left me feeling rejected and out of place here. If I hadn't been a long term MB'er (from before the boards existed) I might have never posted again. A few months later, I developed a respect for Karenna and her direct approach. It took that time to learn to trust and feel comfortable with the different personalities here. Isn't it new members that generally find it hardest to accept the more direct (or non-validating) responses? Perhaps they are experiencing the same thing. It is like starting a new job. Some of the people may come accross as unfriendly at first and later become your buddies. When a newbie comes here they are self-consious and unsure as to whether they are welcome. No one wants to intrude and there are lots of boards where strangers aren't welcome. The first few posts are going to either confirm their fear or help them feel at home here. All MB'ers are well meaning but they have different personailities and different approaches. I personally avoid newbies in fear that I might say the wrong things. I wait until Kathi has made a post first (if there ever was a Goddess of friendliness and hospitality...). There are a few others too who cater to newbies and it is always good if at least one of the first posters is someone with a similar issue. I'm rambling but the point I am trying to make is that I think newbies do need to be treated differently than those who have established themselves here. I agree 100% that it is often the post in left field that provides the most useful advice and that we can always ignore posts that seem to be missing our needs. But newbies have to first trust that they are welcome and then slowly be introduced to heavier ideas as they learn the personalities and gain experience.

Thank you all. I am starting to relax a bit and think I am seeing a bigger picture now.Jan,
This post has some merrit. I thought I had lots of merit! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] I welcome most perspectives too. I guess that I need to realize that there are people that don't, and although it makes me sad, there is nothing I can do about it. Your opinion is just as valuable as anyone elses. In fact, I think an opinion offered with a caring voice, and one that is well thought out and not a knee jerk reaction is more valuable than a rote answer without the love and thought behind it that you give your posts with.Nduli,
Thank you for answering, and I believe you have a point. People who only want a specific answer or an answer from specific persons should try to find a board that caters to their specific needs. There are so many places to find support on the internet, and as a public forum it should be expected that people from the public will be here.Boaz,
Thank you so much for moderating this board, I know that you probably don't get the kudos you deserve, but your efforts are appreciated. This is a public forum, and ANYONE can post ANYWHERE. snip ALL ARE WELCOME, and this is a PUBLIC FORUM. This makes me feel reassured that I am where I can and want to be, and I will try and keep in mind that politeness is always appropriate.HH,
I always welcome your opinion, and am pleased that you took the time to respond to me. Yes, new members do seem to be the most sensitive, and I do keep that in mind. I did run into a situation where a new member was not actually a new member, and that was disconcerting. I answered to her with familiarity, and I believe she would have rathered I pretended that she was not who she was. It is funny (strange not ha ha) that the left field posts speak the most to us. We learn so much from those who are different from ourselves. I wish the Harley's would hire Jim/NSR as their official newbie greeter. He really sets a great example. I try to be gentile when answering posts from new people, sometimes an issue just hits to close to home for me to keep perspective in mind though. That is probably something I need to make a postie about and stick on my monitor. Elizabeth

liz...you know how how feel....i want everybody to like eachother and respect eachother's opinion...hopeless romantic in other words....i don't want to see a board where anyone is excluded...and as i said before...it is often the people who are the most different from me who give me the ideas i would never have thought of on my own. boaz....you were gracious today...hh i respect you dearly....and liz....i like to see you serious posts as much as i like to see your ribald ones....you are a real multi-dimensional gal....very cool. you know i was new....and the thread is there to show how i felt....and i like to post after kathi too....i'm so glad she is here.

I'm guilty of not wanting someone on my post and yes it may not be the right thing to say as in fact it is a public board. As Boaz said, out of respect for the originator, one should not stay if they the originator does not feel comfortable or words to that effect.If someone asked me not to post in their post, I would go, not take it personal but not everyone will get along and click much as it would be nice if we could but that is how life goes sometimes.I'm glad you brought this up JTW. Your most had a ton of merit to me. I needed to hear this. I don't mean to offend anyone by saying don't post in my thread, I may just not be comfortable with some people or if they have negativity which I sense, I don't want them around, life is tough enough. I just think they sould respect the request to stay out and there are plenty other people here they can help and maybe get along with. Thanks

By the way. I was guilty of that today on my first post. I have been reading the MB board a long time before posting and there are a few people that rub me the wrong way, one posted today and I just preferred not to have her there.Sorry and you are NOT a huge idiot. You made a valid point.

would everybody please post on all my threads because i really don't have the slightest idea what i'm doing! and i'll take all the help i get...goodness knows i am all alone here in this foreign country....and i have to speak spanish to everybody else!

^

Yep, this is ludicrous.It's always a bad idea to impose a structure that cannot be enforced. The fact is that anyone can post anywhere. We all have those permissions. So that's what people are going to get. If a person does not want to hear what a particular person posts, then just don't read it.Email works well for restricted 'conversations'. Just open an email account in hotmail. I do not understand the combative nature of what is going on here. What is the point of coming into a forum ready to fight everyone? This approach will turn most people away.

HH--Thank you for the kind words. Now, whenever I start feeling b*itchy, I guess I'll have to remember those words and try to live up to them!I do think it is silly when people start arguing over "this area is mostly for X" so, don't respond from your (different) POV. Different POVs are often very helpful...as I have often said, it was the POVs that DID NOT mirror mine that taught me the most. Heck, already I know what I think [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] OTOH, when some posts a thread to a specific person, usually it is because they think that person has a specific insight into whatever the issue is...so I don't get offended, but I also don't feel "shut out" if I really think I have insight too. I have seen a few times when someone asked another NOT to post on their threads...usually after heated words had exchanged. IMHO, while that's not 'enforceable' it is only polite to not intrude on a thread where you are not wanted....kinda like crashing a neighbor's party. My fave though is when posters clash, then later cool off and try again...with cooler heads, I think often they will end up learning from each other. Really, if we all would just follow two or three simple guidelines...act like grownups, respect others feelings, share the toys...Oh, no toys here [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] . Well, ya see what I mean anyways...Hugs all--Kathi[ May 26, 2002: Message edited by: kam6318 ]

Very interesting....

I'm just lost...How in the world do these threads resurrect? Was there something I missed? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] I admit I am not doing a good job reading the boards lately.ANNA

Okay, maybe I'm not the sharpest tack on the board, but why was "this" thread raised?njrgopittsonlygirl, you raised it to show that you were misunderstood?

I have a question for ya justthewife, are you the one posting on gloryb right now? It's not going to take long for others to make the connection that it's you and start coming over here.So maybe the real question you should be asking is "Is it right for me to insight board wars?" There are people in pain on both sights, I would hate to see this add to it.

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by findingmywayback:
I have a question for ya justthewife, are you the one posting on gloryb right now? It's not going to take long for others to make the connection that it's you and start coming over here.So maybe the real question you should be asking is "Is it right for me to insight board wars?" There are people in pain on both sights, I would hate to see this add to it.<hr></blockquote>
uh oh... here comes trouble. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

I don't want to say it is for sure her, but the stories are very similar... just a hunch.

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by findingmywayback:
I don't want to say it is for sure her, but the stories are very similar... just a hunch.<hr></blockquote>Im not sure what thread you are referring to--- send me an email please, Im curious to read it. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] jilliebean1017@yahoo.com Thanks!

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by findingmywayback:
I don't want to say it is for sure her, but the stories are very similar... just a hunch.<hr></blockquote>I read some of the posts over there and I dont see anything that stands out... other then it looks like they are having some troubles. I dont think it is the same person, but I could be wrong.

<blockquote>quote:<hr> ANNA said:How in the world do these threads resurrect? Was there something I missed? I admit I am not doing a good job reading the boards lately.<hr></blockquote>This thread is 1 1/2 months old legitimately started by justthewife, and was bumped by njrgopittsonlygirl without any explanation. That's what Boaz pointed out in his/her post. I think there are some that want to beat a dead horse and I think many here are really getting tired of it. I know I am.

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by Want2FixIt:
This thread is 1 1/2 months old legitimately started by justthewife, and was bumped by njrgopittsonlygirl without any explanation. That's what Boaz pointed out in his/her post. I think there are some that want to beat a dead horse and I think many here are really getting tired of it. I know I am.<hr></blockquote>AH... Now I get it... [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] okay, so it takes me a minute... what can I say?! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] I didnt notice that date, glad you pointed it out.[ May 26, 2002: Message edited by: always confused ]

You know... I could very well be wrong... it doesn't matter. Forget I asked.

Thanks Boaz for that clarification.I missed the bump that NJ did. I do have a suggestion for you NJ. Instead of resurrecting someone's dead thread, perhaps it would be a better choice to start your own thread if you have concerns. Take care,ANNA

IS there any question left as to who NJ is and what she is about?Jan

The Post may have been bumped due to me. I pasted it to say that the current debate raised by heidi was no different. The wording was different but the topic was not. This same Elizabeth was tellng Heidi she's not welcome on these boards and the moderator should kick her out. It didn't make any sense. So I think NJ was trying to show that there was a very big wrong done here and she's feeling like some of you owe Heidi an apology for being so harsh and maybe not allowing her to correct herself??It's just a thought...but NJ seems very hurt by the idea that only certain ways of speaking to certain friends is tolerated. It certainly seems that way from her posts. I know if I raised an idea and I was told I didn't have a right to? I wouldn't stay here and be told how to think. I would want to know why there was a disagreement and try to solve it. I don't see any solution to this. As long as some will be forceful and cruel people will continue to leave.It just doesn't make sense?? [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by seekingjoy2:
IS there any question left as to who NJ is and what she is about?Jan<hr></blockquote>Why do you find it important to go on a witch hunt? Does this make you sleep better at night? Does it really affect you so deeply? Why do you think that is? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by starknight:
Why do you find it important to go on a witch hunt? Does this make you sleep better at night? Does it really affect you so deeply? Why do you think that is? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <hr></blockquote>You've posted 4 times and you are asking me why I find it important to go on a witch hunt?Are you answering the question for nj? Why do you think that is? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] Are you a mind reader - you can answer for everyone else? [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] Jan

Starknight to the rescue? Hmmm... [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Originally posted by starknight:
The Post may have been bumped due to me. I pasted it to say that the current debate raised by heidi was no different. The wording was different but the topic was not. Are you communicating with nj off the board? Or just reading her mind through the MB annonymous forum?This same Elizabeth was tellng Heidi she's not welcome on these boards and the moderator should kick her out. It didn't make any sense. So I think NJ was trying to show that there was a very big wrong done here and she's feeling like some of you owe Heidi an apology for being so harsh and maybe not allowing her to correct herself??Does nj no longer have a voice? Again --- are you just reading her mind over the MB forum? What's with the defense --- Heide defends nj - who defends Heide, and both are defended by Starknight? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] It's just a thought...but NJ seems very hurt by the idea that only certain ways of speaking to certain friends is tolerated. It certainly seems that way from her posts. Huh?I know if I raised an idea and I was told I didn't have a right to? I wouldn't stay here and be told how to think.Wait. Are you thinking for yourself this time? or nj? or Heide? I would want to know why there was a disagreement and try to solve it. I don't see any solution to this. As long as some will be forceful and cruel people will continue to leave.Can you give us a link where this is happening? I haven't noticed it on the boards - and I tend to be here a lot these days... It passes the time while my computer processes orders. It just doesn't make sense?? [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] I fully agree --- it's pretty confusing trying to figure out who is 'thinking' for whom? HUMMMMMMM kinda makes you wander what's going on out there? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] Jan

You'll forgive me, I'm sure, if I lock this thread. Before Elizabeth went out of town, she wrote to me to thank me for my help, and I believe that the intent of this thread is now moot.I'm going to make a judgement call and say it's time to put this nugget to rest. AGAIN, ALL ARE WELCOME TO POST AT MB, AS LONG AS THEY COMPLY WITH THE AGREEMENT WHICH WAS A PART OF THE REGISTRATION PROCESS (read: ALL who register MUST agree).[ May 26, 2002: Message edited by: Boaz ]