After 30 years of marriage, my spouse and me seemed to be on totally different pages. I am the provider and she stays home even though all of our kids are grown and gone. At first, I did not mind her staying home because we took care of each other and supported each other. Now, she has 'her' ministry and I have to fend for myself. Even her pastor told her that ministry begins at home, but she does not see it that way. She feels I should be able to take care of myself. Even when I am sick, she does not make sure I am okay. Her mind is totally on 'her' things. We tried counselling, but it did not work. All she would do is blame everything on me and says she has done nothing wrong. I feel totally stuck.

I am in the same place and considering moving to a seperate bedroom as part of my 'withdrawal of emotional support". I am angry that after going on 29 years of marriage and my own reading, researching, head scratching, praying, trying to discuss and come to a meeting of the minds, I feel as if I have been taken advantage of.

I am trying to follow my gut instincts and reflect back what I am receiving.

I see in Harley's writing a perspective that allows me to categorize life events and balance them out on a scale - and see where both of us have been lacking in having an understanding of mutual emotional support and enthusiastic agreement. yet when I try to give a response of negotiating with both of our "takers" in mind and not expecting either to sacrifice and put either of us into a non-enthusiastic agreement and cash in on the others "giver", I am met with a solid wall of resistance.

I don't know how this will turn out, but I seem to have reached a place where i am not going to continue to the good Christian man always trying to make things right - which has seemed to facilitate my Wife's lack of effort toward me.

I have had the perspective that a covenant of marriage is not a contract: I have been committed to the marriage in the way I am supposed to no matter what she did. Even through an emotional affair on her part. A contract would render the contract void if either failed to live up to the agreement. In my trying to put into place the heart of the covenant mentality, I seem to have facilitated what I now have. and it sucks.

Live fully who you are and listen to yourself. Be willing to call a spade a spade and take the heat - I have not been willing to take the heat and now am in a cold place.

c