Backsliding on healing? - 01/03/14 12:27 AM
I have been reading all the posts and love all the encouragement and advice of other's who have shared the same experience. I would have loved to find this outlet and information when it first happened to me. I am struggling with guilt now because I have found myself still hurt and struggling in my marriage. Let me provide a little information, H and I were married in October 2007, he cheated about July 2008 after our first child and his mother's death from cancer.(With a woman from work) H moved out (I kicked him out) and H begged to come back home at the end of August 2008 and on September 8, 2008 I allowed him back in the home and agreed to try and save our marriage. He scheduled counseling for us and we attended for 2 years. It worked, and during this time we got pregnant and had another child (July 2009). We have since then continued to work on our marriage. I fight the demons from time to time and always seem to think I am healed when a trigger comes along and sets me back. Just recently I noticed txt messages coming in frequently and when H was confronted he stated they were work related (with a woman at work) and that he did not realize how it looked to me and he would tell employees and her specifically, not to txt him on his personal phone. But I was not able to see what the txt said as he conveniently deleted them? Maybe this has been a bigger trigger for me than I expected? He asked what he could do to fix my insecurity and doubt and I said find a way to show me the content of the txt messages, then I can see how innocent they are and we can move on from there? (He has not been able to do this) So far he has not had any calls or txt messages from anyone that is not family or known friend. I am struggling with the feelings of hurt still and don't know why I am not allowing my H to fill my love bank? I am going into the 6th year since the A and I feel like I am still stuck at the beginning of recovery? What am I doing wrong? Sorry to ramble.