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#2773543 01/02/14 07:27 PM
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I have been reading all the posts and love all the encouragement and advice of other's who have shared the same experience. I would have loved to find this outlet and information when it first happened to me. I am struggling with guilt now because I have found myself still hurt and struggling in my marriage. Let me provide a little information, H and I were married in October 2007, he cheated about July 2008 after our first child and his mother's death from cancer.(With a woman from work) H moved out (I kicked him out) and H begged to come back home at the end of August 2008 and on September 8, 2008 I allowed him back in the home and agreed to try and save our marriage. He scheduled counseling for us and we attended for 2 years. It worked, and during this time we got pregnant and had another child (July 2009). We have since then continued to work on our marriage. I fight the demons from time to time and always seem to think I am healed when a trigger comes along and sets me back. Just recently I noticed txt messages coming in frequently and when H was confronted he stated they were work related (with a woman at work) and that he did not realize how it looked to me and he would tell employees and her specifically, not to txt him on his personal phone. But I was not able to see what the txt said as he conveniently deleted them? Maybe this has been a bigger trigger for me than I expected? He asked what he could do to fix my insecurity and doubt and I said find a way to show me the content of the txt messages, then I can see how innocent they are and we can move on from there? (He has not been able to do this) So far he has not had any calls or txt messages from anyone that is not family or known friend. I am struggling with the feelings of hurt still and don't know why I am not allowing my H to fill my love bank? I am going into the 6th year since the A and I feel like I am still stuck at the beginning of recovery? What am I doing wrong? Sorry to ramble.

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You are so lucky, because there is usually a way to retrieve deleted text messages. here is one such device at Brickhouse Security: http://www.brickhousesecurity.com/produc...ers&from=fn

Additionally, I would get some spyware on his phone so you can see any incoming or outgoing texts. There are a lot of red flags here. Some good spyware is flexispy or eblaster.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Does your husband still work with his affair partner?


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Deleting text messages for no reason, except to hide it's content, seems like a very big red flag. I believe that your gut instincts are telling you something that your conscious is too ready and willing to brush off and dismiss.

Without alerting him in advance, please get a cell phone spying app installed on your H's phone.

Do NOT let him know whatever it is that you may find out.

Come here 1st and get advice asvto what to do next. Our own emotions and instincts are all wrong when it comes to these potential situations.

LTL

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Thank you All for your advice. I think I am emotionally blind at the moment. Installing the spyware, will this allow me to retrieve messages from the beginning of December? I will install one now, but at this point it will be a while before he uses his phone again, he knows I check it and he has given me access and passwords to everything he has? I had it all along, I just decided to check in December because something did not feel right. I was hoping to find nothing.
He still works at the same job but he said she does not work there anymore? I have no idea if she still works there or just in a different department. The number was to a new girl who is in a new area?

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Another thing, as we enter a new year 2014, do I really want to be in a relationship where I have to snoop? I don't want to be that person who has to check everything and be a spy/detective? How long do I keep fighting for my marriage. At what point do you lose the guilt that you feel when you want to just give up?

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Originally Posted By: Mariposa_Reina
Another thing, as we enter a new year 2014, do I really want to be in a relationship where I have to snoop?


Dr. Harley says to snoop until it is boring. Basically if, over time, your spouse acts in a trustworthy manner, you will begin to feel trust. Your snooping will help establish trust. Eventually you will not feel the need to do so as often.

On the other hand, if your spouse does not act trustworthily, you will know it early on, and you will be able to take action to protect yourself.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted By: Mariposa_Reina
Thank you All for your advice. I think I am emotionally blind at the moment. Installing the spyware, will this allow me to retrieve messages from the beginning of December?


No, the spyware does not retrieve old messages, the STICK does.

Quote:

He still works at the same job but he said she does not work there anymore? I have no idea if she still works there or just in a different department. The number was to a new girl who is in a new area?


I would verify everything. Call the company and ask for the OW.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: Mariposa_Reina
Another thing, as we enter a new year 2014, do I really want to be in a relationship where I have to snoop? I don't want to be that person who has to check everything and be a spy/detective? How long do I keep fighting for my marriage. At what point do you lose the guilt that you feel when you want to just give up?


Snooping will help you establish the trust that is missing in your marriage. There is nothing more trust building than watching what he is doing when he thinks you are not looking.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: Mariposa_Reina
I have been reading all the posts and love all the encouragement and advice of other's who have shared the same experience. I would have loved to find this outlet and information when it first happened to me. I am struggling with guilt now because I have found myself still hurt and struggling in my marriage. Let me provide a little information, H and I were married in October 2007, he cheated about July 2008 after our first child and his mother's death from cancer.(With a woman from work) H moved out (I kicked him out) and H begged to come back home at the end of August 2008 and on September 8, 2008 I allowed him back in the home and agreed to try and save our marriage. He scheduled counseling for us and we attended for 2 years. It worked, and during this time we got pregnant and had another child (July 2009). We have since then continued to work on our marriage. I fight the demons from time to time and always seem to think I am healed when a trigger comes along and sets me back. Just recently I noticed txt messages coming in frequently and when H was confronted he stated they were work related (with a woman at work) and that he did not realize how it looked to me and he would tell employees and her specifically, not to txt him on his personal phone. But I was not able to see what the txt said as he conveniently deleted them? Maybe this has been a bigger trigger for me than I expected? He asked what he could do to fix my insecurity and doubt and I said find a way to show me the content of the txt messages, then I can see how innocent they are and we can move on from there? (He has not been able to do this) So far he has not had any calls or txt messages from anyone that is not family or known friend. I am struggling with the feelings of hurt still and don't know why I am not allowing my H to fill my love bank? I am going into the 6th year since the A and I feel like I am still stuck at the beginning of recovery? What am I doing wrong? Sorry to ramble.


Mariposa, get the book Surviving an Affair - there is a step by step process in there for recovery. If your husband follows it with you, you will no longer be hurting so much. Along the way he will do a LOT to establish a feeling of trust for him in you. He will also do a LOT to rebuild your feelings of love for him.

If your husband will not follow this program for recovery with you, I would plan for a separation, because lingering on in a bad marriage after an affair is extremely traumatic for most women, as you are finding out.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Thank you, I am going to verify this today.

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Markos, Thank you, I will and I know my husband will read it with me, at this point he will do anything to keep me in the marriage.

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Thank you Markos, I will read the book and I know my husband will read it with me, if I ask. At this point he will do anything to keep me in the marriage.

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Originally Posted By: Mariposa_Reina
Markos, Thank you, I will and I know my husband will read it with me, at this point he will do anything to keep me in the marriage.


That is perfect, Mariposa. What you are looking for is a complete willingness from him to follow the program in that book. Keep posting here, and let us know about any obstacles either of you face putting it into practice, and especially about any areas where he wants to cut corners with the program or make compromises. Any cutting corners is going to mean disaster.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted By: markos
Originally Posted By: Mariposa_Reina
Markos, Thank you, I will and I know my husband will read it with me, at this point he will do anything to keep me in the marriage.


That is perfect, Mariposa. What you are looking for is a complete willingness from him to follow the program in that book. Keep posting here, and let us know about any obstacles either of you face putting it into practice, and especially about any areas where he wants to cut corners with the program or make compromises. Any cutting corners is going to mean disaster.


Originally Posted By: Dr. Harley
The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.


Pay close attention to that statement that small deviations from the plan are usually disastrous. If your husband wants to make small deviations, that's usually a very bad sign.

You'll find the plan described in detail in SAA. You can also read the original newsletter here:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2002600#Post2002600


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.

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