I made a BIG mistake. My husband and I have been married for a short time and we started having problems, not getting along, fighting about friends, fighting about money, not showing each other much affection, etc. Typical problems.

We never really had major marital issues but my head got all clouded. To make a long story short after months of this I told him I wanted a divorce.

I want him back. I made a gigantic mistake. I was all confused and didn’t know what I wanted. I made a big mistake and I may not be able to fix it. I want to work on our issues instead of throwing our marriage away.

The only problem is I don’t know how to ask him. What if he is moving on. What if he doesn’t want me back. Could I have just lost the most important person in my life.

How will you know if you don't ask? He may just feel the same way. If you 2 do get back together please address the issues that got you to this point. Go to a good pro-marraige counselor.

Lady-I agree you have to ask. That is the only way to know. Read Relationship Rescue by Dr. Phil. Always remember as long as there is life there is hope. Make a pact with your husband that whatever is going on killing the relationship is off limits. That way both can get the necessary feelings and deal with them. Married people DON'T need to agree on everything--they don't! Good Luck to you. johoman <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Laddy,

Let go of the future...you are feeling a lot of fear from what hasn't come to pass yet. Stay present.

Practice saying, "Would you be willing to go to a marriage counselor? I found someone I think I'd like."

"I am learning a lot about relationships I didn't know before."

"I am deeply sorry for reacting so strongly to what I've found out are really common communication problems."

"I love you. I don't want a divorce. I feel afraid, shocked at my self and remorseful."

Lots of simple ways to say what only you can...sharing your stuff is feeling fear, and choosing to act, anyway.

You can do this.

You were brave enough to post...be brave enough to share.

Let go his possible responses...they aren't yours.

LA

I almost made the exact same mistake you did so i can relate to your situation. I had a very bad first two years of marriage.

You've received good advice because your only option is to be honest with him. Tell him you are sorry for putting him through this and that you want to work through the issues. Tell him you realize marriage is very special and your sorry for being confused. Being confused is normal when your having problems. Tell him you realize being confused is definitely not a reason for divorce. Tell him you don’t want to loose such a special and important person in your life.

Good luck.

I wanted to thank everyone for the positive remarks. All these positive comments have helped me. I should never have put myself in this situation, but when things went bad so did my decision making. I'm building the courage to tell him how I really feel. I've talked to him several times in the past couple days and he has been very nice and caring.

I'm trying to figure out the best time to have the discussion.

The best time for this discussion is the next time you see him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

If you wait for the "Right" moment, It will never come, there will always be "something" not right about it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Lift the weight from his and your shoulders. Tell him the next time you see him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Practice a few times in the mirror and then GO! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Stay Strong!

Lady- some thing good like a marrriage requires a lot of work and sweat and tears. Did you or him file yet? I take it you don't have children. The bad thing about American Divorce is once you file the system pushes you forward (the adversary system encourages conflict not resolution). Let us know what happens. johoman

I spoke to him last night but couldn't build the courage to ask. He had a rough day at work and wasn't in the best mood. I need to catch him when he's happy in a great mood. I'll keep you posted.

Lady- Great-keep us posted. Johoman

laddybug,

You said you need to catch him when he is in a good mood. WRONG ANSWER.

You need to simply approach him, ask him if he has a few moments to talk and then simply tell him how you feel.

1. You realize you made a huge mistake about the divorce and want to remain his W.

2. You do love him.

3. You know you need help with how you handle things and would he be willing to assist you by going to counseling with you? IF, he is willing to consider ending the divorce proceedings.

Finally, tell him he does NOT have to answer now, but would he consider it, and talk with you about his thinking in a few days.

Sounds hard, but the best way is simple, straight, and to the point. You won't and should not manipulate him. You are making a statement of your feelings and a request for him to consider what you have said.

Go for it.

God Bless,

JL

See my post above. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Good Luck!

Stay Strong!

Be honest and confident. All you can do is tell him exactly how you feel. You said you made a big mistake originally, don't make another mistake and wait to long to tell him how you feel.

WOW. I did the same thing!! I divorced a really wonderful man after years of misery rather than fixing the problems. I ran from the problems straight to the divorce courts. The quicker you approach him the better. By the time I realized my mistake, my XH had already moved on... Time is not always your friend. God Bless you and PRAY, PRAY, PRAY!!! God restores broken marriages daily!!!

R U still around LaddyBug?

Lady- Going for Divorce is like pulling a trigger you better be sure because once you do it is most likely all over. Your man would be a very BIG man if he took you back under those circumstances. So what having fights, as long as you didn't try to kill each other you all can work it out. If your divorce stays a divorce remember this advice in your next marriage. johoman

walkingthefield - I'm here. I still have not been able to build up the courage to discuss this situation with my husband. He has been stressed out lately because of work. I think I'm just scared to see what's going to happen. I don't know what I would do without him.

Laddy,

Is it not the most tremendous stress to believe your wife wants a divorce?

To have that in the back of your brain, your dreams, your words rotating again through his mind...and maybe focusing on work stress relieves a bit of that tremendous one believing his marriage is over?

You won't know until you talk about it. If you fear greatly, hold that fear and act, anyway. It is the only way to not live from and enlarge it.

LA

laddy--Are you two still livng together? Why are you afraid to ask him??? Him being stressed out has NOTHING to do with you guys future. You have absoltuly nothing to lose. Is he your husband or ex-husband? Do you have a formal diovorce decree? Instead of freting about your future find out if you have a future with him and if not prepare yourself for more things as until you take your last breath anything can happen. What was that old saying...."it ain't over until the fat lady sings"... johoman

Same situation here.....but with both of us guilty. My husband had just gotten back from a trip to visit his family, which he had decided to take himself and just announced to me. It was NOt the best time to go, and I was unsure he was really coming back.I had just bought us a house...and I mentioned to the lawyer that he was gone, and gave her the rundown and what to doif he doesn;t come back..No specifics about divorse were mentioned...just ideas. Then when he returned, during a fight, he said "Well, you just go ahead an call a lawyer and do whatevver you have to do to end this marriage." I got some specifics then, and when I approaced hubby, he was a little shocked I really called as he asked, but was more unhappy I had mentioned it to the lawyer before. We let it slide. Nod ecision. Then a couple of weeks ago, during a really emotional time for me, and under a lot fo stress and depression, he refused to pay for his part of the bills, evven though he could pay all his own expenses. I was upset, and brought up the ending the marriage conversation....and what did he want to do? He said he wanted choice "X" and call the lawyer to get specifits. I go some info the next day, but also told him that there was the option of counseling. I had brought it up before (he thought I should only go) I told him that I don;t think we should give up without exploring all options. After 5 days, he didn't get the 2nd job he was counting on and told me that he was leaving, and left after 20 minutes with his belongings. I sent him an email the next day, pleading for marriage counseling, and also saying that I regretted that we both brought up divorse, that on my part I was sorry and promised to never bring it up again. It was a heart-felt plea to come back. I have heard nothing from him, and have heard that he returned to his home country. He did contact a lawyer however, and she sent a letter saying she was his lawyer for the divorce. All this was 3 weeks ago. I know we both love each other. I also know that the talk of divorce did not help. but also, he felt like a failure bacause he could not pay his bills, and I could not help him out AGAIN (I financially cannot do it). I think it is pretty clear he doesn't want to come back, but I really want him to come back. Any ideas on what to say to him in an email that would help? The first email didn't convince him. I just wish he would call or contact me somehow. I have my own issues to work on, and I am trying.

laddybug,

I understand the fear, really I do, it can be paralizing, it saps our strength and makes us uncertain of what to do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

It is the fear of rejection, the feeling that we are not worthy, that we can't meet their expectations / standards. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

You MUST push through this! Only YOU have the power to conquer this fear. The fear / anxiety means that you still harbor stong feeling for you H. Use the strength of you feeling to push through this!

You already what is going to happen if you don't talk with him. Divorce. It is underway and inevitable unless YOU talk to your H. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Have you considered that this news may bring him great relief? He is probably very stessed out because he is trying to concentrate on work and that thoughts of divorce are intruding and makeing it difficult for him to focus. That this divorce may be a large contributor to his stress at work?

You CAN do this laddybug. We all believe in you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Stay strong!

I should add that no papers have actually been filed yet.

Linn--Are you native born American? What culture are you dealing with? My wife is from the Far East and we have had our culture problems. Is your husband from the middle east? It sounds like you keep all your finances separate. This was not a Green Card deal was it? Are there language issues? johoman

Linn,

Sounds like you learned firsthand how we get to using the D card as a defense. Harley says even a divorce ought to be POJA'd...only when both parties enthusiastically agree.

I remember reaching for the D word once or twice over 15 years, and then twisting my DH's arm with it until it broke. I was stating what I DIDN'T want...and Harley says the threat of divorce is an LB, an SD.

You re-learned some valuable things...that you want to save your marriage, you don't want to LB, that you have permissions you've given yourself, "If pushed this far, then I can do this"...great awareness. And it's not over, Linn.

If you found your goal...that you want to save this marriage and recovery it into a thriving partnership...you can. You really can.

You already have chosen great beliefs...you've chosen to love your H and to believe he loves you. Dwell in those beliefs and act from them.

Now, read up on Love Busters...the DJs, especially, because those hurt your partner as much as they hurt you.

Here's a vital one you made:

"I think it is pretty clear he doesn't want to come back,"

Nothing is clear. Think of all the ways human react...they cut and run; they lash out, strike back, verbally and sometimes physically. The are choosing to react, not act.

No assumptions. You don't know. Who can you contact TO know...his family, friends in his home country?

"but I really want him to come back."

GREAT to know!

"Any ideas on what to say to him in an email that would help? The first email didn't convince him."

You cannot convince him of anything. Not within your human power. You can own your own stuff, share what you know and make your "I" statements from your highest truth.

So you can be okay no matter the outcome.

"I just wish he would call or contact me somehow. I have my own issues to work on, and I am trying."

You are more than trying...you are doing. You already know to focus on you, on truth...getting to your own and The Truth (actions...whereabouts...choices).

You're not alone...awful...wrong...or bad. You are here! What a marvelous choice of self-care and marital care.

Many will help you...they've been where you are...please know their journeys weren't taken alone, either.

Welcome.

(Have you been reading all of the articles on this website?)

LA

Laddybug,

If you LOVE your husband and want the relationship to work then WHY are you so afraid to ask him? I know first hand that fear is such a horrible disease and it can destroy your life.

Are you afraid of being alone? Is security the issue?

Do not allow your pride and fear of rejection to take over. This is a critical moment and you've got dig deep for some courage! Good luck.

I don't know why I'm so afraid, I'm working on conquering the fear. I know he loves me. I do realize me telling him I wanted a divorce has caused him stress. I'm not afraid of being alone, I'm scared of not having him in my life. I realize he makes me happy and I made a mistake. This is a big mistake though, not an everyday mistake I can easily fix.

Laddybug,

How old are you?
How long have you've been married? Do you have any children? If so, how is this affecting them?


WELL, there's only one way to solve that problem. Tell him.

People make mistakes everyday whether big or small, but you've GOT TO TELL HIM you've made a mistake, ask for forgiveness and leave it in God's hands! The worst he can say is no. Then what..is your life over? NO. Are you going to survive? YES.

Look at it this way if it doesn't work out for you and your husband you have learned an AMAZING LIFE LESSON for the next relationship. I'll be praying for you!

Laddybug,

If it helps, think about this. You have many here thinking, hoping, and praying for you.

We are standing right beside you in spirit. We KNOW you can do this. We will lend you as much strength as you need to push through this.

Once you push through this the lines of communication between you & H will forever be more widely opened. This will help you to create a stronger and more intimate M between your H and yourself.

The door is open for you right now. Just step through the entryway. You will not regret doing so. One step is all that it takes.

Good luck and God Bless.

walkingthefield,
Your words are powerful and heartfelt. This isn't even my situation and I felt like crying.

Laddybug, WTF is right on target. JUST TAKE A CHANCE!!!

Laddybug.
By now you have read my post. Well, my husband is still gone with no word from him in almost one month. I do realize there were problems, and I DID ask for counseling many times, but the "threat" of divorce from both of us lead us on a very slippery slope. I guess all I can say to you is that your H is still around, and since he is, you should talk to him before you two grow any further apart. Seeing that you cannot seem to muster up the courage to actaully discuss this with him, why not write a heartfelt letter? This way, you can tell him how you feel, and also not worry about the emotionality that might come with a face-to-face. He will then know your heart, and I am hoping in there that you will also suggest a solution to fixing your problems (counseling). At least the chance to find all the good again would be worth it, don;t you think?

Laddybug,

Have you pushed through yet?

Have you started a new chapter in your M? A chapter with greater / more intimate communication?

We are still praying for and believe in you!

Thanks walkingthefield - All the support I have received here from everyone has helped. I just wish I would have found this website several months ago. My husband has been out of town all this week so I have not been able to discuss this issue with him. Thanks for the encouragement.

I made the dame mistake and now she has moved on,... Peace be with you..

Laddybug,

Have you been practicing in the mirror?

Are you pumped up and ready to give him the good news? That you really don't want a divorce afterall?

Lift the burnden you are both struggling under, Sit him down, take his hands, look him in the eyes and tell him, "I do not want to divorce you". 7 small words, and they will have the power to left the weight of the world for yours / his shoulders.

Make this the first weekend of your new M! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You will all know about me in the same situation, too.. (see my post in this thread) although both of us are guilty for throwing ending the marriage into the conversation......but I guess when I did...it was the last.straw...however, I still pushed for counseling saying I don;t think we should end the marriage without trying everything. He still (never) didn;t want to do that. I know the love was never an issue. In the end, when he was leaving, he said he couldn;t stay here because he had no $ or job. That is the story he said. I tried asking him to stay, work it out, get a job, don't give up etc. He left. The next day, I sent this letter:

Dear (Husband);

How are you today? I hope that I am not bothering you by sending you this
email.

I'd just like to tell you that I am really sad right now about how things
are between us. I never wanted us to be apart like this or not being
married.

That is why I would just like to tell you that I love you, and nothing has
ever changed from that. Nothing has ever changed about how much you mean to
me, although I know you don't see it much these days. You also don't feel
appreciated, and I am sorry about that. I am not unhappy with you as a
person, or unhappy in our whole marriage. There are some issues and
feelings that we cannot resolve on our own. I want us to be able to
understand each other, and we obviously don't have the communication tools
to work some things out. I feel that because of that love and the commitment
we made to our marrige, that we should go to counseling to better understand
each other and the problems that we have been having. We have four years of
marriage that I am not willing to give up on without talking to someone.
There is too much good about us to just throw it all away. I want us to be
able to find all the good again and for both of us to stop hurting .

Is there anything I can do, or we can do as a couple that would help you
agree to counseling? I know that you also need to have your needs met. If
each of us can just step forward, it would be one step in a positive
direction. I will also do what I can on a personal level.

You say that you cannot stay here. Well, I still consider this "our" home,
as we have made it part of us for four years, starting with the marriage. I
am not "kicking" you out (I didn't want you to leave). I am asking you to
come back and stay. I know that you can find a job, I have confidence in
that. (job option) was not the only option for employment in (this city). I would
support you in whatever you choose. If you would have any other concerns
about coming back, please talk to me about working something out, okay?

(husband), I love you and made a commitment to us, and I want to do all we can
do to continue. I don't know what to do with all of the love if I cannot
give it to you, and if you cannot see it. I also want to learn ways that
will show you that you are not a "burden" or "slack" to me as you think you
are. I also want you to see that I feel all the love that you have for me.
Counseling has made this work for some couples that I know, and I don't want
to throw away so much good without doing that.

If you would like, maybe we can contact (good Christian friend), who has always wanted the
best for us. He was there from the first day. If not, we can talk to
someone at the church who does counseling. It would not cost anything.

If you want to think about this, or just need some time, I understand. If
you just want to take some time to consider all this before acting on
anything else, I would appreciate it. I don't want either of us to act
quickly on something definite and be sorry for it later. In reality, I
would prefer that ending this marriage NOT be an option at all, and I regret
that we both mentioned it to each other. I remember (good Chrisian friend) telling us that he
and (his wife) never considered it an option and that has helped them. I would
promise never to mention it again as an option.

I hope that if you weigh all the good and bad, that the good is more, and
that the love is, too. If so, I think we owe it to that love and each other
to get the help we need to resolve our hurts and differences.

I am always here if you want to talk or have any ideas.

I Love You,
(your wife)

Well, I never heard back from him.......it has been over one month. He did contact a lawyer, however. I still cannot believe he has not returned any of my calls or emails, even just to touch base. Any thoughts on the letter or whatever would be appreicated.

Hey there Linn,

A month and no response? Something smells funny!
In the letter it seemed that he was willing to go the distance and work on the marriage...HMMM!!

That's just foul that you haven't heard from him since. Have you thought of the possibility that he could have moved on or have been having an affair?

Ferra......where in the letter does it seem that HE was willing to go the distance and work on the letter......it was I who sent this letter to HIM.

Sorry Linn! I misread your post....MY mistake.

How're you holding up?

The longer you wait the less your chances are going to be.

Laddybug,

Just thinking of you.

Are you and H together for "Turkey Day"?

Have you spoken to him since he left on his trip?

Are you ready to deliver the good news?

Stay Strong!

Laddybug,

How went the Holiday?

Have you given your H the good news yet?

How are YOU doing?

Laddybug,

Not sure if you're still around.

I just wanted to say that I said a prayer for you and your H this morning.

I wish you the best of luck.

walking - Thank you VERY much. I've been SO busy lately I haven't had much time to get online.

I ended up having the conversation with my husband. I would say it went good, not great. I would have loved for him to say "I forgive you, lets get back together now". Of course I knew this wasn't realistic. To make a very long story short, he said he was glad I changed my mind and was glad I told him. It made him feel great. But he is not ready to move back in together yet. At least he didn't say, no. I'll keep showing him how I feel and just see what happens. I feel better now though, we've gotten closer the last few weeks.

Thanks for the support. Hope I can get back online soon.

[ insert thunderous applause here ]

WAY TO GO LADDYBUG!!!!!

We knew you could do it!

The hardest part is now over. Keep showing him how you feel, he WILL reciprecate in kind. Maybe not right away, but when he feels "safe" that you "really" feel the way you do, he will receiprecate in kind and very likely more.

Set a steady pace, like you were running a marathon, for this is truly what it is. And the prize, at the end of the race, is a truly recoverd, revitalized, and intimate marriage.

Every footfall brings you a little closer to the finish line.

Good luck and God Bless!

Laddy,

And how do you feel about you, after sharing with him?

LA

Laddybug,

Just thinking of you.

How goes your marathon?

Stay Strong!