At the end. How do I start? - 12/14/09 01:46 PM
I have been reading the boards for over 4 years, posting for less than that. I never thought I would be here.
I have gone from EA to recovery to MB101 to now here.
My H had an EA (he does not beleive in EA's thought) and I beleive a MLC that started the marriage slide into hell.
He will not change his t hinking. I just don't mean that much to him. He has not found "religion" and feels this puts him in the superior position. and if he goofs up- with his little oopsies--- hey, he can bless himself and just move on. and it is "yesterdays news" and he should be forgiven.
He says he does not want a D, but will not do any "MB stuff" (like tell the truth, of take a Lie detector) He feels he is in the superior moral pisition, since he has religion.
He has become very religious the past few years. But it has been pointed out (by my IC) that he uses it as an excuse to forgive himself, and attempt force change in me (and others).
My IC says that any program like MB will be used to the takers advantage, and he is worried about me putting up 100% again and having things used against me. Like POJA and meeting EN's.
For example, he sent me a big "God requires you to forgive people e-card, then spent 30 minutes online looking at single Catholic hook up dating sites." He has spent (by his best guess) at least 12 times "just looking at" dating sites during our marriage. He sees nothing wrong with this behavior, and I should grow up and get over it and forgive him. He says he has never signed up, (for the dating sites that is)--I should forgive him and he will never do it again-- but the problem is I usually catch him again.
I am tired. We have seen three counselors in the past 4 years, TWO have told me he has maturity problems that seriously inhibit his ability to be a good partner. That he does not really care about me, he just focuses on himself 100% of the time. He also come across to them as not a very good learner- (he thinks he is a genious) and self serving. He does not need to change, we all just misunderstand him and if I would change these "little things" would not happen.
It has been, up and down four years. I have had enough. I am sick of the up and downs. I am just a normal person, not in need of drama and selfish hurt he has grown to thrive on. It is really his way of the Highway. Everything is 100% my fault. I am tired.
He has done some terrible things to me (6 weeks after my mother dies, he filed papers to divorce me "because I was not forgiving him") But he never told me this news- just his brothers/ his friends and and family. Seriously, who does this SIX weeks after spouse's last parent dies? Couldn't he have held off a few more months or so? Current IC says it was deliberate at this time to couse as much pain as possible. To make me (forgive him or divorce him).
He can not show humility, is always defending himself as "right" and even though he says sorry, it does not come accross as very sincere. AND he is a repeat offender in my book. Our first IC says he has 2 answers; an excuse or a denial for EVERYTHING. He has not in 4 years changed this. She got sick so we had to stop seeing her- she recouped and only wanted to work with me later (not him, she thought he was arrogant and clueless)
I am just giving up. This is a long term marriage (23 years and two kids 13 and 17) and I feel lost.
How do I start this process? Start the process of moving on?
I am sick of pain of waiting him to grow up and put me first.
My counselor asked me to have him write a letter to me telling me what the marriage means to him and why we should stay married.
My IC saud he would never bother to do it.
My IC was right. He never did. He promised he would- just did not "get around" to it. My H we could "talk it out".
This is exactly what mu IC said he would do.
I keep telling him you can't B.S. your way out a situation you acted yourself into.
Is there anyone here with a similar situation?
I walk around with my heart on my sleave for over 4 years, he just smashes it with deciet and game playing, and never gives me what I need (he still has not asked me what my EN's are- after 4 years) I tell him, he just does not register them...
How do I start?
I have gone from EA to recovery to MB101 to now here.
My H had an EA (he does not beleive in EA's thought) and I beleive a MLC that started the marriage slide into hell.
He will not change his t hinking. I just don't mean that much to him. He has not found "religion" and feels this puts him in the superior position. and if he goofs up- with his little oopsies--- hey, he can bless himself and just move on. and it is "yesterdays news" and he should be forgiven.
He says he does not want a D, but will not do any "MB stuff" (like tell the truth, of take a Lie detector) He feels he is in the superior moral pisition, since he has religion.
He has become very religious the past few years. But it has been pointed out (by my IC) that he uses it as an excuse to forgive himself, and attempt force change in me (and others).
My IC says that any program like MB will be used to the takers advantage, and he is worried about me putting up 100% again and having things used against me. Like POJA and meeting EN's.
For example, he sent me a big "God requires you to forgive people e-card, then spent 30 minutes online looking at single Catholic hook up dating sites." He has spent (by his best guess) at least 12 times "just looking at" dating sites during our marriage. He sees nothing wrong with this behavior, and I should grow up and get over it and forgive him. He says he has never signed up, (for the dating sites that is)--I should forgive him and he will never do it again-- but the problem is I usually catch him again.
I am tired. We have seen three counselors in the past 4 years, TWO have told me he has maturity problems that seriously inhibit his ability to be a good partner. That he does not really care about me, he just focuses on himself 100% of the time. He also come across to them as not a very good learner- (he thinks he is a genious) and self serving. He does not need to change, we all just misunderstand him and if I would change these "little things" would not happen.
It has been, up and down four years. I have had enough. I am sick of the up and downs. I am just a normal person, not in need of drama and selfish hurt he has grown to thrive on. It is really his way of the Highway. Everything is 100% my fault. I am tired.
He has done some terrible things to me (6 weeks after my mother dies, he filed papers to divorce me "because I was not forgiving him") But he never told me this news- just his brothers/ his friends and and family. Seriously, who does this SIX weeks after spouse's last parent dies? Couldn't he have held off a few more months or so? Current IC says it was deliberate at this time to couse as much pain as possible. To make me (forgive him or divorce him).
He can not show humility, is always defending himself as "right" and even though he says sorry, it does not come accross as very sincere. AND he is a repeat offender in my book. Our first IC says he has 2 answers; an excuse or a denial for EVERYTHING. He has not in 4 years changed this. She got sick so we had to stop seeing her- she recouped and only wanted to work with me later (not him, she thought he was arrogant and clueless)
I am just giving up. This is a long term marriage (23 years and two kids 13 and 17) and I feel lost.
How do I start this process? Start the process of moving on?
I am sick of pain of waiting him to grow up and put me first.
My counselor asked me to have him write a letter to me telling me what the marriage means to him and why we should stay married.
My IC saud he would never bother to do it.
My IC was right. He never did. He promised he would- just did not "get around" to it. My H we could "talk it out".
This is exactly what mu IC said he would do.
I keep telling him you can't B.S. your way out a situation you acted yourself into.
Is there anyone here with a similar situation?
I walk around with my heart on my sleave for over 4 years, he just smashes it with deciet and game playing, and never gives me what I need (he still has not asked me what my EN's are- after 4 years) I tell him, he just does not register them...
How do I start?