Clearly I still have some letting go to do. Would appreciate any advice or relevant stories to help in that regard.

First, met with OWs X. She (yes SHE) is still involved with the custody of their DD. Was pretty sad to learn for sure from her how far back the affair went. Two families destroyed, and my X and OW (planning a marriage now) went about it in such an awful way. Ending a family over an affair is never "good", but these two both spend 14 years building a family with a loving and supportive spouse. They never admitted to either of us about the affair, attempted to steal the kids away from us to start a new family, wrecked our finances to pad their own love nest, etc. Anyway, my point is, they couldn't be less respectful to those who stood by them unconditionally for so many years. Still pisses me off.

Second, my X is refusing to pay the childcare portion of the CS and it's breaking my and my kids. He will have loads of presents under the tree. Over here, not so much. Ugh! Doesn't care about how hard his own kids have it. And I have to go thru loads of legal mess to collect. The legal part was supposed to be over by now.

Finally, Christmas is here. I am still alone and he is with her. Not sure why a year and a half later I'm still alone. I date and just don't seem to have the intimate inclinations I had with my X. Makes me a little jealous. Having the kids 24/7 certainly doesn't help me find someone. And that makes me a little angry. He should be visiting his kids but won't, and I know he is doing that, in part, because he knows I was actually enjoying my every other weekend break wit dates, socializing, etc. He was right in assuming that it's very hard to have no cash for childcare and no breaks via visitation on top of it. Again, pissed!

Anyway, if you have something relevant to share from your own experiences, would love to hear about it. Especially if it comes with a happy ending. But even if it doesn't, please share.

Sorry that you are still sad and having trouble. It is especially hard during the holidays. This is my 1st Christmas divorced and while I am dating someone and I get to see my kids very often...it was very hard wrapping presents, signing Christmas cards, etc... I won't see them Christmas Day. It has been hard...and just so you know NO matter how "happy" you think your XH is and that he has completely "moved on"...know that he feels some of the same feelings of disconnect that you do. So if it offers you any comfort to know that he too has his moments of loneliness, sadness, and misses you...even if he will never let you know it. This week I promise he remembers Christmas from previous years when things were different, his family was "whole" and life wasn't so dang complicated.

So that will hopefully provide some solice to you and many others. Even us worthless, heartless, a-hole ex-husbands have feelings too and even when we don't tell you and you'd prob never believe it anyways...we do miss our life together.

Sounds like you have every right to be upset. Sorry if that's an extreme understatement.

I have a buddy who went through a divorce a while back. Then he lost his job. Somewhere in there he also got sued for sexual harassment (charges dropped later). The ex insisted on keeping this massive old house with huge heating bills and she didn't work, they have 3 little kids. I know I only got his side of the story, but she was relentless about the CS. According to him, he missed a week (or a few) and he wound up in jail! Evidently between him and his GF at the time, they came up with the dough pretty quickly after that. food for thought.

I don't know what state you're in FPM, but I don't know how men get away with being dead-beats (notwithstanding the level of scum that would neglect their kids). It seems like you should have more recourse. Even if that doesn't help with the emotional aspect of being abandon in every way.

Also. I'm getting to know a very special woman right now (a few dates, and someone I've know for some time but only as an acquaintance). She is my age and went through something perhaps akin to your sitch. I don't believe she ever got a penny of CS from her drunk ex who she finally had to throw out due to the alcohol problems. Her D was 10 years ago, and I can tell it took her a long time to struggle through it all - losing a nice house, living below poverty, relying on family (and then declining the "help" because it wasn't really "helping"), losing someone she loved a lot and a nice life style.
Point is this: she's now out the other side as far as I can tell and what strength she has. Her priorities are all different and she has a calmness that is enviable.

What made me think of that is your thing about Christmas presents. I was saying I can't give my kids what we used. She encouraged me that kids actually learn from that experience and the contrast - hers (now 20 and 17) have a different appreciation for having a few years of "lean" Christmases.

Would it help to say "focus on what's important"? That's what I'm trying to do.

Merry Christmas FPM.

Opt

A week last Friday my beloved father died. Christmas came and went, bittersweet. Then I sent the kids off with their dad for the week, my first break in 4 months. I was REALLY looking forward to it and was on top of the world my first day (yesterday). Then, out with my friends, My X had the kids call me to tell me he married the OW. Life sucked out of me again, when I was just climbing my way out of depression.

Soo, one step forward and nine steps back sometime. Was honestly surprised at how devastated I was. No longer looking forward to this week, but working on that.

FPM,

So very very sorry to hear about your father. That's got to be tough .

Being sad continually about his antics isn't going to improve the situation. He was a jerk for what he did. It wasn't you who made him do it, it wasn't because of you that he did it. It was the lure of a new relationship with no baggage or day-to-day crap piled on top of their lives. Normal married stuff. Right now, they're in their honeymoon phase, this is the super duper easy part. He didn't want to work, he wanted that feeling of new and easy. He took the easy way out. Quit giving him the power to take away your happiness. It's not going to make you happy, and don't you want to be? Don't look backward, look forward in the direction you need to go to find happiness, because while you're looking back, you're not seeing what's ahead!

haha Or, at least, this is what my mantra is right now! I'm no expert, but I do know that I am so freakin SICK of being miserable!! I'm also not in contact with him once again, THANK GOD!

And, btw, Fells Point has a great night life (and it's great during the day when the weather permits)! Get yourself dolled up and go out for a night on the town! Flirt like you did when you were young! Look at how many people of both sexes that are here on this site and look at our age bracket. If half of the nation is divorcing, and from the looks of this website, it looks like they're approximately between 35-60, there's someone else out there who knows your experience, and could be great for a chat (and he might be hot too!)! Not all of the bars down there are for college kids! Go have fun when you can! Enjoy your life!

Pep rally overkill? Nah

((FPM)), I'm really sorry about your Father's passing.

I love TTSP's advice. I second it with nothing to add.

opt

Thanx so much all. I do get out there and try to make the best of it. It's good sometimes, but lately I'm just so tired. Sometimes I think if I just had some energy... Always tired. But I am determined that the tears I shed the other day over learning of their affairage were the last spent on him. Sure wish my dad was here to talk about it with me.

...And she has told my kids to call her mom. Just found out when my DD (5) referred to her that way. Cannot BELIEVE the crap her and my ex have poured all over me with their nasty little affair. So tired of being their doormat still. Filing for contempt of court tomorrow for his shorting me on child support.

Good for you FPM! Kick his @$$! And the gall of her! WTH!? That goes beyond presumptuous to just plain crazy! DILUSIONAL!

About your energy level: make sure you're taking care of yourself! Also, depression can be a real energy drainer. I know, I did it for years and it was my STBXH's reason that he no longer wanted to be married to me (and why he had his affair, why we had no money -- nevermind he spent it, and why he had to travel for his job 8 or 9 months of the year, etc lol). BUT for my own well being, I'm in fight mode. I was in flight mode for YEARS and it just kept repeating itself. If you have to, go get antidepressants or talk to a therapist. It can help TREMENDOUSLY!

It's funny, I talked to my sister about a year ago about moving home because my kids' dad wasn't being a husband or a father for years. When I talked to her about it, she kept telling me that "you never divorce the same person your married". She's worked in family law for years. I didn't think my sons' dad would ever be unsupportive of me being their parent or doing what he could to make sure his children's lives were comfortable. BOY WAS I WRONG! He's _totally_ different. He's a pretentious yuppy now! He went from being a very humble guy to someone COMPLETELY different. Only the shell of him looks similar to the man I married! And tbh, I don't really like the man who is behind that shell anymore.

Anyway, how are you doing otherwise?

fellspoint i do often read your posts and see similaries... and the minor differences in our stories.

I have had some similar experiencs as you even to the point of my 3 y/o calling the OW her other mommy.... it hurts and i know i don't always handle things correctly but i do the best i can. You seem to always be doing that as well. I can only imagine the pain you felt as i know soon enough i will be in the same boat.

Keep your head held high and know YOU are the stable constant in your children's lives. From friends who lived the life our kids now lead tell me... in the end they always know who the constant was. You are that constant.

@Thisto... Yes, you never divorce the same person you marry. And he was always a tool. But there was no gradual degredation leading to the D. I was clueless about the affair, and suddenly he was gone an living with her, and rematerialized as the worst abusive villain I could have imagined. It's really weird and I can't wrap my head around it, even after a year+. But I can relate to looking at your former spouse and thinking... "really?" As far as how I'm doing, up and down. So glad I have my kids and desperately trying to get back on my feet are the two ends of the spectrum. I keep thinking there should have been a modicum of respect for the wife he abused and betrayed, and that way of thinking ALWAYS gets me in trouble and makes me angry all over again.

@ Stronger... As far as he knows it, my behavior is above par and guided by class. I'm sure he thinks I've dismissed him entirely in my train of thought. Of course I never let on how much he has hurt me to my core. Except for here on MB. It does help to vent here. If nothing else, to avoid venting elsewhere.

Well, he's 2000 miles away again and months away from visiting his kids. Who knows how long this time. Until they announce they're expecting the child that he refused me (wanted 3), they can't hurt me for a while. Off to a job interview to try to pull myself out of this financial mess. Wish me luck!

Fells, the distance will help you TREMENDOUSLY! I am SO GLAD my kids' dad isn't here. Honestly, I'm not over it all right now. I'm moving along, but I guess I was so used to operating as a unit and for me to operate solo is a very foreign concept for me. I'm navigating it and figure it will eventually become familiar territory.

And I agree, my thought of, "HOW THE F(*& COULD YOU ABANDON OUR FAMILY!!?!?!" replays in my mind over again. It's the ultimate selfishness. In my angry moments, I think this. Maybe it's a coping mechanism. Maybe it's the truth? Maybe they are the center of their own universe and we were just pulled in like a satellite and orbited around them until we got sucked in enough to crash and burn? They're picking a new satellite. And, to be bitterly honest, I hope the next one does too. I hope he burns her and is as selfish as her as he was with me. I hope he points out all of her faults and makes her feel like a big fly infested turd like he did to me! I know it's awful in my situation to wish something like that on someone I don't know, but I do, and maybe that anger I feel might help me move along to where I need to go.

And I got the same thing -- I asked for another baby. I wanted another child, but it didn't happen. He didn't say no with his mouth, but you could see his doubt about it all over him. When I asked him about having more children now, he says, "I don't PLAN on it.". Later he said he hadn't ruled it out. We have an autistic child that will NEVER be able to be financially independant and will always have to have care. Yet he might want another baby, which could potentially take away from his autistic son's inheritance that he will need to live out his own life.

Anyway, buck up, camper. I keep hearing over and over again that the obsession of this moment will eventually pass. I know it's going to take me a good bit, but I'm SO MASSIVELY looking forward to it, to the point that I'm not allowing myself to get too unhappy about this moment. I feel like I'm looking at the light at the end of the tunnel, but I'm not certain how long or difficult it is to get there, but I'm still looking at that light and trying to head toward it.

Feel better, Fells

Seriously, one day you will be like, "really? I wanted to stay with him???"
I have been D for over 2 years. I did not know WHAT to do with my free time at first (when he had the kids)... then I got a group of friends, had so much fun, then met my love who I M'd last year... I was sooo content being single, and all, but I was sooo happy with my BF who is now my H.

I have a good R with my ex, I actually really like his GF, she keeps him in line with the kids, and with being a good dad. She is a great mom to her two kids. I am so thankful and happy that he is with HER, and I know that she loves my kids and thinks of them as her family too.

I am sociable with my EXH when it comes to the kids... will do school things with him, will do birthday parties with him there, and it boils down to this:

"He did not want me, I did not want him"

We are so much better parents now that we are not fighting and upset all the time.

As soon as I realized, and it hit me, that he did not want ME, wtf was I wasting my time trying to get him to WANT me, I was freed.

I hope you reach peace soon!
Sadmo

Sadmo, you're a light I'm looking to obtain. Thanks for your input!

Sadmo, it's great that you have that relationship and that the turmoil is behind you. When My H first left, I thought we could go about it that way too. Sadly, not all X relationships are destined for that. I won't get in to what I've been thru, but lets just say there is a court order in place that dictates he NOT attempt communication with me beyond court ordered topics regarding kids (via email only). Wanting that kind of relationship (that you have) and not being able to have it is one of the issues that make me angry. Good for you!

This.. Great that you're looking at the bright side. I have to say I was unusually optimistic when I was at your point. The months that followed took a lot out of me but I can still recall the hope I felt at that point, and it helps when I'm feeling down (or angry) today.

I have to keep telling myself, "I got the kids. I got most of the house. The OW got an abusive jerk with loads of issues that she had to bankrupt herself, give up her career, family, friends, and even daughter to a degree to keep. I won. She lost. And so did he."

@This, just be careful. There are highs and lows that come with your process. If you find the optimism you sometimes feel now, long gone later, don't beat yourself up about it. It's just how it goes. The optimism comes back slowly again after the initial "high" has come and gone. Still, ride that feeling as long as you can! It helped me a lot when I was where you are.

i saw on the other thread you comment about how your xh and his whatever got married. What did you kids say about calling her mom or what do you even say to them in that case??? i am asking for future reference is all.

It was very recent, and came to me as a shock, days after losing my beloved father, sooooo, I didn't handle it well. After the initial reaction which I feel upset my daughter (AVOID!), I recovered and explained I was not mad at her, but at daddy and Ms. X because there is only 1 mommy, and it is me. It's a name I earned and that Ms. X did not. That she could call her whatever she wants, EXCEPT for mom or mommy. That is MY name and Ms. X is not her mom. She seemed to understand and accept that. I conferred with many of my friends who all agreed that it needed to be nipped in the bud right away.

My DS had no intention of calling her mom.

Please also note that these people are 2000 miles away and barely have anything to do with my children, but my daughter has serious separation issues and is attaching on to any bit of family she can muster up.

Also, I do correct her when she calls the men in my life (friends) "dad". Regardless of how the X and OW break this policy, mine is that if you want respect for your boundaries and rules, you have to offer the same in turn.

i agree with that... i was just wondering how someone else delt with it was all. Thank you for your input and time

X is telling DD that he is looking for a job closer (about a 2 1/2 hour drive from us) and might be able to see her every other weekend again. How does that work with the driving when one person moves away from the kids? My car is a piece of crap, and he got the nice SUV.

Struggling still to find a job. Was surprised to learn that once top-knotch in my field, I have let my skills lapse while raising my kids, and finding X every decent upper management position he's ever had. Very depressing, all these rejection letters. Not that I have a clue about where to put the kids once I get a job. He's still refusing to pay the court ordered childcare expenses and I'm still waiting for Child Support Enforcement to process my modification request so we can garnish that too. In the meantime, broke, struggling...

I remember the day he walked out on my (my birthday), bearing down on me, nose to nose and screaming "Now you'll have to get a REAL job!" These days I seem to feel as inconsequential as I did at that moment.

What does the custody agreement say? How does transportation for visitation work now? If he has to pay for all the associated costs then he'll still have to pay. In mine, the parent who is getting the kids has to take care of transportation. So, he's supposed to come and get them and I'm supposed to go there to pick them up.

I wouldn't worry about it until he actually GETS a job nearby, though.


I'm sorry you're struggling. Are you taking good care of yourself?

The custody agreement was made in bad faith. He was living 20 minutes away at the time, planning to move the next day to 2000 miles away. However, it says he drops off and I pick up, as long as I have dependable transportation, othewise he does both. My breaks aren't great, but truth is I need to get them fixed anyway. He told DD he will be moving in 18 days. Nothing directly to me yet, but it seems as if it's pending.

I am doing what I need to be doing to get work. I am doing what I can to collect child support. Both are taking so much longer than expected. I am taking GREAT care of the kids, who are happy. I think I'm taking pretty good care of myself. Although, I could stand to have one less drink on most nights.

Had a great interview today for a fantastic job that could be the answer to my prayers. I just don't want to get my hopes up, as I have had some great interviews before.

It's too bad you didn't do something legally about the transportation issue right after he moved away. If you had set it up for him to pay for all transportation costs, then you could just keep it like that.

Since it says that you pick up as long as you have dependable transportation, then you just need to tell him that your car is not reliable enough for you to drive that far.

Good luck on the job!

And stop at one drink. The last you need to do as a single mom is have a problem with alcohol. The kids need you to be alert and there for them. Besides, it's expensive.

Well, after toying with our kids about possibly moving back and seeing them soon, he finally told me about it via email. Suggested we share the transportation for visitations 50/50. I declined that offer so I will be driving out 40 minutes from home every other friday and sunday to drop off/pick up my kids. Not ideal but I wanted to facilitate the visitations for the kids sake, and for mine (I need a break every once in a while, I must confess. Having two weekends a month to myself sounds like a vacation at this point.)

He still isn't paying all of the child support, claiming that I'm sleeping with the babysitter and that the costs a aren't legitimate. After all, why would a struggling, single parent with fill custody and no alimony actually need childcare? The process of getting a modification through child support enforcement is slow. I should hear something soon I hope. The plan is, get the modification, and once it goes through (can take up to a year if he protests, which he will), then file pro se for back child support.

My lawyer has long dumped me as I owe her $20,000 and can only pay a couple hundred a month.

Slow process. Patience wearing thin.

At least the affairage X and OW just started will begin in his mother's house, living with her. What a pair of losers.

I am confused as to why you declined his offer to share visitation transportation?

Because it would have meant a much farther drive for me. Either 5 hours round trip twice a month, or 2 1/2 hours round trip 4 times a month.

I guess I'm confused, because 5 hours twice a month, and 2.5 hours 4 times a month both sound like 10 hours driving every month.

Sorry your ex is such an irresponsible jerk FPM. I cannot stand it when men don't take responsibilty for their children. My guess is that he trust YOU.

It is. It is the two choices he offered. I refused and instead agreed to drive the kids out to a place 40 minutes away to meet him there. Round trip an hour and twenty minutes. Less than 5 hours a month instead of the 10 he was offering. Considering all, I feel that was extremely fair. I did some googling and in most cases when the non custodial parent moves away, they are responsible for almost all of the traveling and expenses.

They've seen their dad once in 5 months tho, and I just want them to have a relationship with their father. Too bad the OW (their new stepmom) comes with the arrangement too. She's in the middle of her custody battle right now. These two love to rip up families.

Okay. I get it. He offered two unacceptable choices and you responded with an option that works for you.

Yes, you're right that when the non-custodial parent moves away from the area, it's his (usually it's the father) responsibility to provide all transportation for visitation. I think you're offering an appropriate plan. You are driving about the maximum you would have if he had stayed in the area.

My lawyer just served me with papers. She wants to put a lien on my home for the money I owe her. She knows I am paying her every month what I can, but wants more.

I told her that her strange child support arrangement wouldn't work with my X, and lo and behold I was right. I can't get money from him, so I can make the payments she wants to her, and now she wants my kids house. Feel like I'm getting screwed from all sides.

OK, an update as the saga continues. Filing for legal malpractice against divorce attorney. Didn't want to do it but she forced my hand. Please be careful out there with your attorney choices. Hint: If they yell at you a lot and insist on making you do things you don't want to do nor pay for, they are probably in it just to line their own pockets.

Finally filing for contempt of court against X who refuses to pay full child support. Changes reasons with the wind, but now says he can't afford it. He is enjoying the early days of his affairage living with his mother and new bride. Apparently it was a shotgun wedding.

As for me I am much better, despite the stress of legal issues that never go away. Working 3 jobs and am tired, but love my work, have custody of my kids, and although I see them less than I would like due to my schedule, thay are happy little people. And I am Master and Commander of my life and theirs. It's nice not having to answer to him anymore.

Wish me luck with my former cut throat lawyer.

She must have been a real piece of work if you could find another lawyer to take the case. (Or are you pro se?)

My ex was fired by his second lawyer and so has hired a third who seems to be all about lining his pockets, too. There are way too many like that in family law.

Good luck. I hope your judge will see the truth and provide justice for you and your children.

It was through the advice of many lawyers that I eventually filed suit. Every attorney who tried to help me undo the mess my first lawyer got me into said I should file for malpractice. Something I DID NOT want to do. I am sooooo over lawyers right now. I eventually hired someone who had little experience in malpractice but was being very kind with her rate. Young and eager type of lawyer. We'll see.

The divorce system in this country is very much broken in my opinion. It makes a gut wrenching time so much worse.

If your ex was fired by his lawyer, HE must be a piece of work too. Much luck back.

Thanks.

Yes, my ex is astounding. He tells lies so many times that he starts to believe them.

He told his first lawyer that he was faithful in the marriage, and then the lawyer saw email exchanges about the OW. That one fired him so gracefully that he didn't realize he was being fired as a client.

The second attorney fired my ex when he tried to weasel out of the agreement he made in mediation and then blew up verbally all over the lawyer.

Yesterday, the third lawyer had to drop a motion he had filed because it was based on lies my ex told him. I gave my attorney plenty of information to disprove the lies. I'm very curious what the latest attorney is thinking about his client today, but I'll probably never know.

I am familiar with the phenomenon. The truth and our history have been completely erased and replaced.