Hi all,

I've actually been divorced for a couple years now but recently a conflict has arisen in our custody arrangement. I have a soon to be 6 year old daughter who will be going into 1st grade in the fall. My xw and I sent her to Catholic school last year that was somewhat in between our houses (we live 45min apart. Btw, my xw is a wayward who had a child from her affair and left our apartment to live rent free with her parents in 2007). The problem is that xw is now saying she can't afford the Catholic School for next year unless I come up with half the tuition. I am already paying hefty child support while she doesn't work so, it would be difficult to pay more.

The alternative is to send my daughter to public school. My xw has a better school system in her town but, my town also has a strong reputation. My first question is, should I fight my xw and not allow her to send our daughter to public school so far away from me? Even if my daughter does go to school down in xw's town, it will be a significantly farther drive for me on the mornings I take her to school (I should mention that I have my daughter every weekend plus every wednesday evening and every other Monday evening). So, that means that I'll be driving her to school 2 to 3 times per week at 45min each way. This seems unreasonable especially since I'm the only one working and need to be at my office at a reasonable time.

When I asked my xw to meet me on school mornings somewhere in between us both, she flat out refused. What's more, she threatened to not bring my daughter to the drop off spot on the evenings I have her if she suspected that our daughter will be late to school the next morning. Question #2, 3, 4: Can she do this? What is my recourse if she does? If not, how can I make her meet me in an equidistant place?

Another wrinkle to this whole thing is that I'm nervous to go back to court to update our custody agreement because my xw may try to up the CS. I already pay a good deal but, since the divorce, I got a 12% raise and so would probably have to pay even more in CS because, as I said before, xw doesn't work. I think this would be unfair because, not only did xw make the decision to leave the marriage and move out of our town, she also decided not to give her affair child up for adoption and now she claims that she can't work because she cant afford to put the kid in daycare. So, the child is negatively impacting my financial burden.

Anyway, I know there are multiple layers to my problem that you all may need explained so, if anyone needs clarification, let me know and I'll post responses here.

Thanks for any advice you guys can offer!

Do you want to win the battle or the war?

Did your child do well in Catholic school?
Does she like it there?
Does she want to stay there?

Which would cost more, pay the whole tuition or WW get a bigger share of that 12% raise and legal costs to fight WW.

Is her OM paying CS for the OC?

Of course I want to win the war but, what does that mean in this case? My daughter did do well in the Catholic school and she wants to go back. As far as the finances go, I'm guessing that it would be less expensive in the long run to pay the tuition myself. However, even if I did that, xw could still attempt to get the cs order increased at which point i'd have to take my daughter out of the Catholic school. OM is in the US illegally and he works under the table so, apparently she only gets $100 per week from him because she couldn't prove that he makes very much money.

"Of course I want to win the war but, what does that mean in this case?"


By your answer is to keep your DD in catholic school.


"I'm guessing that it would be less expensive in the long run to pay the tuition myself."


Exactly. Fight only for when the out come will work out for the better. It does not pay to open the can labeled "Child Support".


"However, even if I did that, xw could still attempt to get the cs order increased"


Why would WW go back to court?

Do you have a big mouth?

Does WW know about the 12% raise?

Which brings back to did you act like Ralph Cramdens MIL: She's a blabber mouth?

Don't even tell your DD or anyone that can leak information back to WW that you have gotten a raise or promotion.


"OM is in the US illegally and he works under the table so, apparently she only gets $100 per week from him because she couldn't prove that he makes very much money."


Don't tell WW this. But when and only when WW threatens to sue for more CS tell WW that you will petition the courts that WW will not be allowed to spend your money to support the OM child. That if WW can't raise your DD on the amount you give this shows that WW can not act in a finacially responsible manner and will ask the courts to give you sole custody with visitation for WW so no more need for CS.

Personally, I'd keep the girl in the Catholic School even if that meant paying the full tuition. Furthermore, in the unlikely event y'all end up back in court, your paying the tuition will likely be deducted from the child support you pay. So even if the overall amount were to go up it'd likely even out with the tuition deduction.....

Yeah, I don't think I'll be able to afford the Catholic School unless the xw pays half. She actually offered this scenario 1 month ago but I told her I couldn't afford it. Now I've made some budget adjustments and think I could do half but, she says that ship has passed. So, it looks like my daughter will be going to public school this year.

BTW, my xw just e-mailed me again saying that she thinks it's best if I only see my daughter on the weekends! She says that no court will agree to the kind of schedule we currently have (I have her 1-2 nights during the week plus every weekend). Is that true?

Courts usually don't like to upset an established routine. Do NOT give up your time. FIGHT.

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I am already paying hefty child support while she doesn't work so, it would be difficult to pay more.

Question #2, 3, 4: Can she do this? What is my recourse if she does? If not, how can I make her meet me in an equidistant place?

BTW, my xw just e-mailed me again saying that she thinks it's best if I only see my daughter on the weekends! She says that no court will agree to the kind of schedule we currently have (I have her 1-2 nights during the week plus every weekend). Is that true?

All of these questions are things that should have been spelled out in a divorce settlement/custody agreement. What does your decree spell out? Why does your ex-wife not work?

JC, what do your court orders say about visitation schedule? Ultimately that is what is enforceable.... IMHO, if it ends up back in court I think some things would change in that schedule.

As far as the school, sounds like you shot yourself in the foot on that one and should have taken the offer to pay half way back when. Sure, you could take it to court but this late in the ballgame you haven't a prayer of changing this school year. Further, you can't force her to meet you halfway.

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OM is in the US illegally and he works under the table so, apparently she only gets $100 per week from him because she couldn't prove that he makes very much money

I think a bigger question is how does the OP know that this is true? How did the OM get through a child support hearing without being able to prove he was either a citizen or resident alien? OP, are you taking your ex-wife's word for this? If so, why?

So many questions about what is in this thread, leads me to believe either the OP is leaving out a lot or had an incompetent attorney.

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As far as the school, sounds like you shot yourself in the foot on that one and should have taken the offer to pay half way back when. Sure, you could take it to court but this late in the ballgame you haven't a prayer of changing this school year. Further, you can't force her to meet you halfway.

I beg to differ. Why should he pay for something that is not spelled out in his custody decree? I think he has a very good chance in getting a more favorable arrangement if he gets an attorney that knows what he/she is doing and gives them the information he's given here.

OP, why don't you give us the history in detail?

Thanks for the advice, Road. I haven't blabbed to the XW about anything involving raises or promotions so, she is still in the dark about that but, she has her suspicions. Another problem is that I'm supposed to give her my tax return every year which would definitely tip her off that I got a substantial raise. So far, she hasn't requested the return in writing, just verbally, to which I said no. I'm hoping that she won't be able to hold me in contempt if she doesn't have a written record of that request. What do you think? Also, if she does take me back to court will she be able to get back CS since I first got my raise?

Good call on the petitioning the court to stop xw from spending CS on OC. I'm sure that would scare the living s--- out of her.

AJ, normally I would agree with you but I've been through a school fight late in the summer. Bottom line is it's too late to stop them from going to her school. Once the child starts school the likelyhood of a judge pulling her out to go to private school is zero.

Private Schooling is a touchy issue in the child support formula, atleast in my state. Some courts will view it as above and beyond child support and some courts will reduce child support if contributing to private school.

So if it were me, given the time frame that things are on, I'd of course go by the written orders first. Let the girl go to the mom's school and not make waves. Further, I'd likely be looking to move to the other town and establishing residency there.

JC, I don't know about your courts but my courts would frown on doing a frivolous petition such as this. I mean, really, how exactly is that enforceable. Further, since you have a better than every other weekend/1 day a week schedule, the courts down here in Kansas would quickly lose patience with any bickering betwixt y'all. I was divorced in '01 and had a similar arrangement. We fought over a move, we fought over school and in that last hearing the Judge made it perfectly clear that the next hearing would be to change a parenting plan if we couldn't get along.

I understand what you're saying, LH, but if he moves quickly he can stop her from doing something detrimental to him, especially if the little one is going to change schools anyway. Would be different if half the school year has gone by.

The more I read this thread, the more I wonder what is in this guy's divorce settlement. Didn't he get at least joint legal custody? How does his ex-wife get away with not working? Why would he have to provide a copy of his tax returns to his ex-wife? Should be the court or divison of child support enforcement. How does an illegal alien get through the court system and fail to show legal employment upon which the court would base his child support percentage, never mind get deported? Answer on that would be it never went to court.

So much that doesn't make much sense, especially that the OP seemed to lay down and let his ex-wife walk all over him legally. I'll be the first in line to wave the banner reading that men get screwed in family court, but actually helping them or laying down for it? Don't understand how he came away with an incredibly lopsided arrangement, did he have an attorney? If he did, he ought to sue to get his money back because he had poor representation.

Ok, I'll try to answer as many of everyone's questions as I can. Although I don't have intimate knowledge of my xw CS hearing with the OM, he gets paid in cash from his landscaping job so, there apparently is no record that he makes any money at all. This is why the CS order for the OC is so low.

When we were divorced, we went through mediation and the agreement was based on life and schedules that were convenient 3 years ago. Now that DD is 6, her schedule has changed and we have made adjustments accordingly (for example, I now have her on Mondays and Wednesdays instead of Tues and Thurs). However, the substance of the custody agreement has been honored, until now.

Our agreement states that we can send DD to private school if we want but that we have to work out the tuition payments. Last year, xw paid the tuition out of CS. This year, she says she can't afford it which is why this whole scenario about a new school and pick ups and drop offs has come about.

Did I answer all the questions?

I agree AJ, except on the school issue. Around here, at least, school has just began or is starting in the next week. Once the child starts at the new school I can't see a judge pulling her out especially when she's with her mom 7 out of 10 school days. But yeah, I've never heard of providing yearly tax returns. As far as xOM and OC, it's really not relivant as long as the mom is providing a stable househould now.

Well then you have something to stand on there even if it means going back to the original agreement.



And at this stage in the game it doesn't sound like y'all can "work out" tuition patments, so what are the options?

IDK dude, to me it looks like y'all are on a collision course for court and unless you got some goods on her then my experience with the courts is that the non-custodial parent typically doesn't fair as well. Thus, I gave the advice I gave....

I did get shared custody with the arrangement I listed above (I have my daughter every weekend and every Wednesday night as well as every other Monday night). The lawyers that I consulted to read over our agreement said it was a very good deal because I was getting way more time with DD than I would if we had brought this to court. According to the attorneys, The CS order was par for the course since xw didn't work while we were married and CS in shared custody arrangements is based solely on income discrepancy. In other words, since I make all the money, I have to pay all the child support.

The lawyers further advised that the courts wouldn't make xw work until the OC was school age (OC is 3 right now) so I can't lower the CS until that time, apparently.

Exactly, thus don't rock the boat. I say this because I rocked that danged ole boat and lost my shared custody. It wasn't fair, it wasn't right, I spent way to much doing so, but it is what it is. My only victory was the Judge did order my X to get a job which based on our CS computations actually raised my support so it really wasn't a victory......


So seriously, what is stopping you from relocating to the same town your daughter goes to school in?

I haven't relocated because xw moved there (to her parents house) when she left me. My job and whole life is and has been in my present town. Besides, it's out in the sticks (45 min away) and would make my commute go from 5 min to 45min, without traffic. In my mind, she is the one who should be adjusting, not me. All I did was stay put when she PA'd and left our family.

You're speaking to a member of the Been There Done That Club. My X-wife did the same and moved twice. I didn't move to the 1st town but did to the second and have established myself here. I mean let's face it, if your daughter gets involved in any sports, or dance, or whatever, the distance really complicates things.

Maybe you should visit with an atty in your area who knows and will speak honestly with you about the judicial temperment in your area. If you could get full custody then go for it. If not, you're going to need to make the best of the situation.

Maybe you're right. I just don't want to cow-tow too much to her demands because, as someone already mentioned, the courts usually go with what is established practice. So, I don't want to give in too much and then regret it later. I realize that the distance makes things difficult especially when it comes to extra curriculars but, like I said, the living arrangement wasn't my doing and, as an adult, xw needs to take responsibility for her choices, not make it more difficult for everyone involved. Am I being too stalwart on this or am I on the right track?

I understand your feelings, believe me, I do. Again, I'd advise visiting with an atty about your options. Feelings aside you have to look at real life applications here and in reality the only one whose left to take responsibility for choices is your daughter whether it be because she can't be in this activity because of schedule or can't fully share life with both parents because of distance. I'm telling you man, I lived it, and it's a lose lose situation for her. So if there's a way to get full custody, go for it. If not, I think some major life decisions are on the horizon quickly. Once she starts school in your wife's town, the game changes in the eyes of the court (at least the courts I've been to) and common sense for that matter.

Honestly, If I were in your x's shoes, I'd get the kid in school and within a month or so file for primary custody with no overnight visits during the week. Furthermore, I'd ask to go to the every other weekend thing because of the strain the current schedule with the distance puts on the families and the childs extra-caricular activities. To me, it looks like there's a train wreck a coming and you best be finding out your best options now rather than later my friend....

ok i am going to add my two cents here. custody is somewhat based on each states rules but i wanted to add in my state the xw in this case could not get full custody in this case. she could file for no overnights during the week but it wouldn't work.

I have a friend who lives three towns away about 30 mins in the am commute to take her children on her days back and forth to school. She and her husband have 50/50. but there schedual is based on her wxh schedual and his current wifes work schedual. it can go like this. 1 day mom's 2 at dads 3 at mom's 1 at dad's 1 at mom's 4 at dad's..ect. There are no set days. My friend had to move out of the town they lived in when the divorce was final and the house was sold in the divorce as she could not afford to live there. She could not afford a house on her own and there are no apparements in this town. Her wxh tried to file for primary custody because the kids live part of the time in his town where they go to school. The judge laughed and stated neither of them have primary custody they have joint custody in each and every term. Just saying not sure what your state's laws are. My friend even tried with her lawyer to get a more stable schedule. The judge stated it was already established so they weren't changing it.

EGGsackLY, Judical Temperment is something you need to know before doing anything. Here in podunk Kansas the Judges in my District are pretty conservative (i.e. pro-mom). The Judge that handled my case had NEVER ordered Shared Custody but had allowed it if the parties agreed through mediation. That being said, if the parties started argueing and making numerous appearances before him he would nullify the Shared Custody.

Thanks guys. The XW and I have been emailing furiously these past couple days and here is her last offer: No more every other Monday night plus I need to drop my daughter off on Sunday night instead of Monday morning. This in exchange for the XW meeting me on the mornings I have to get my daughter to school. I'm going to tell her to pound sand and I'll suck it up and just drive the 45min to my DD's new school. I don't think I should give up any of the time I fought hard to get. Is this the right thing to do or, given the amount of back and forth travel, would it be better for my DD to agree to the XW's offer?

Frankly, at this point, it's all speculation because neither of you know how she's going to adjust to the new school/commute. That being said, when my kids started 1st grade they were a lot more tired in the evenings and it was a stretch to make it to their 8pm bedtime. Then to get her to school you'd have to get her up at what time?

It's a tough situation. I guess if I were in your shoe's I'd suggest to the X that we keep things as is to see how it works and revisit it in a month. I'd consult with an attourney like TODAY to see what would likely happen if this went to court and make my choice based on that.

Keeping it real, I do not think that this commute multiple times a week during school is a good thing. I'd probably look at 2 options:

#1 - Move to where she is because to me this makes sense today and will make even more sense as she grows up and gets involved in more things.

#2 - Adjust the schedule. Look at something like keeping the every weekend thing with the child being back to her moms at 8pm on Sunday and dumping the school night visits. Then computate the number of days that would take away from you and make those up on long weekends, spring breaks, and longer periods of time with her uninterupted in the summer time.

Exactly don't give up time with DD. Soon as you do WW will haul you into court for more CS because she has DD more. The problem is OM is not supporting her financially. WW is working the system to get you to pay more.

Then there is the loss of time with DD. Nothing will ever get that back.