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Joined: Jul 2011
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JtotheC Offline OP
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I haven't relocated because xw moved there (to her parents house) when she left me. My job and whole life is and has been in my present town. Besides, it's out in the sticks (45 min away) and would make my commute go from 5 min to 45min, without traffic. In my mind, she is the one who should be adjusting, not me. All I did was stay put when she PA'd and left our family.


Me: BxH
Her: WxW
Daughter: 9yrs old
Too many D-Days to count, first was 7/16/07
Plan A 7/07 - 1/08
OC conceived 12/07, Born 9/08
D filed 9/08, Final 4/09
"The key is to see hardships as part of God's merciful plan." - Timothy Keller
Joined: Mar 2001
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You're speaking to a member of the Been There Done That Club. My X-wife did the same and moved twice. I didn't move to the 1st town but did to the second and have established myself here. I mean let's face it, if your daughter gets involved in any sports, or dance, or whatever, the distance really complicates things.

Maybe you should visit with an atty in your area who knows and will speak honestly with you about the judicial temperment in your area. If you could get full custody then go for it. If not, you're going to need to make the best of the situation.


Hugz, Thoughtz, & Prayerz

Bill
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JtotheC Offline OP
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Maybe you're right. I just don't want to cow-tow too much to her demands because, as someone already mentioned, the courts usually go with what is established practice. So, I don't want to give in too much and then regret it later. I realize that the distance makes things difficult especially when it comes to extra curriculars but, like I said, the living arrangement wasn't my doing and, as an adult, xw needs to take responsibility for her choices, not make it more difficult for everyone involved. Am I being too stalwart on this or am I on the right track?


Me: BxH
Her: WxW
Daughter: 9yrs old
Too many D-Days to count, first was 7/16/07
Plan A 7/07 - 1/08
OC conceived 12/07, Born 9/08
D filed 9/08, Final 4/09
"The key is to see hardships as part of God's merciful plan." - Timothy Keller
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 4,416
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I understand your feelings, believe me, I do. Again, I'd advise visiting with an atty about your options. Feelings aside you have to look at real life applications here and in reality the only one whose left to take responsibility for choices is your daughter whether it be because she can't be in this activity because of schedule or can't fully share life with both parents because of distance. I'm telling you man, I lived it, and it's a lose lose situation for her. So if there's a way to get full custody, go for it. If not, I think some major life decisions are on the horizon quickly. Once she starts school in your wife's town, the game changes in the eyes of the court (at least the courts I've been to) and common sense for that matter.

Honestly, If I were in your x's shoes, I'd get the kid in school and within a month or so file for primary custody with no overnight visits during the week. Furthermore, I'd ask to go to the every other weekend thing because of the strain the current schedule with the distance puts on the families and the childs extra-caricular activities. To me, it looks like there's a train wreck a coming and you best be finding out your best options now rather than later my friend....


Hugz, Thoughtz, & Prayerz

Bill
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ok i am going to add my two cents here. custody is somewhat based on each states rules but i wanted to add in my state the xw in this case could not get full custody in this case. she could file for no overnights during the week but it wouldn't work.

I have a friend who lives three towns away about 30 mins in the am commute to take her children on her days back and forth to school. She and her husband have 50/50. but there schedual is based on her wxh schedual and his current wifes work schedual. it can go like this. 1 day mom's 2 at dads 3 at mom's 1 at dad's 1 at mom's 4 at dad's..ect. There are no set days. My friend had to move out of the town they lived in when the divorce was final and the house was sold in the divorce as she could not afford to live there. She could not afford a house on her own and there are no apparements in this town. Her wxh tried to file for primary custody because the kids live part of the time in his town where they go to school. The judge laughed and stated neither of them have primary custody they have joint custody in each and every term. Just saying not sure what your state's laws are. My friend even tried with her lawyer to get a more stable schedule. The judge stated it was already established so they weren't changing it.


Truth can stand on it's own two feet....A lie needs support....FRM
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EGGsackLY, Judical Temperment is something you need to know before doing anything. Here in podunk Kansas the Judges in my District are pretty conservative (i.e. pro-mom). The Judge that handled my case had NEVER ordered Shared Custody but had allowed it if the parties agreed through mediation. That being said, if the parties started argueing and making numerous appearances before him he would nullify the Shared Custody.


Hugz, Thoughtz, & Prayerz

Bill
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JtotheC Offline OP
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Thanks guys. The XW and I have been emailing furiously these past couple days and here is her last offer: No more every other Monday night plus I need to drop my daughter off on Sunday night instead of Monday morning. This in exchange for the XW meeting me on the mornings I have to get my daughter to school. I'm going to tell her to pound sand and I'll suck it up and just drive the 45min to my DD's new school. I don't think I should give up any of the time I fought hard to get. Is this the right thing to do or, given the amount of back and forth travel, would it be better for my DD to agree to the XW's offer?


Me: BxH
Her: WxW
Daughter: 9yrs old
Too many D-Days to count, first was 7/16/07
Plan A 7/07 - 1/08
OC conceived 12/07, Born 9/08
D filed 9/08, Final 4/09
"The key is to see hardships as part of God's merciful plan." - Timothy Keller
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 4,416
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Frankly, at this point, it's all speculation because neither of you know how she's going to adjust to the new school/commute. That being said, when my kids started 1st grade they were a lot more tired in the evenings and it was a stretch to make it to their 8pm bedtime. Then to get her to school you'd have to get her up at what time?

It's a tough situation. I guess if I were in your shoe's I'd suggest to the X that we keep things as is to see how it works and revisit it in a month. I'd consult with an attourney like TODAY to see what would likely happen if this went to court and make my choice based on that.

Keeping it real, I do not think that this commute multiple times a week during school is a good thing. I'd probably look at 2 options:

#1 - Move to where she is because to me this makes sense today and will make even more sense as she grows up and gets involved in more things.

#2 - Adjust the schedule. Look at something like keeping the every weekend thing with the child being back to her moms at 8pm on Sunday and dumping the school night visits. Then computate the number of days that would take away from you and make those up on long weekends, spring breaks, and longer periods of time with her uninterupted in the summer time.


Hugz, Thoughtz, & Prayerz

Bill
Joined: Dec 2007
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Originally Posted by JtotheC
Thanks guys. The XW and I have been emailing furiously these past couple days and here is her last offer: No more every other Monday night plus I need to drop my daughter off on Sunday night instead of Monday morning. This in exchange for the XW meeting me on the mornings I have to get my daughter to school. I'm going to tell her to pound sand and I'll suck it up and just drive the 45min to my DD's new school. I don't think I should give up any of the time I fought hard to get. Is this the right thing to do or, given the amount of back and forth travel, would it be better for my DD to agree to the XW's offer?

Exactly don't give up time with DD. Soon as you do WW will haul you into court for more CS because she has DD more. The problem is OM is not supporting her financially. WW is working the system to get you to pay more.

Then there is the loss of time with DD. Nothing will ever get that back.

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