I am a wayward spouse, now divorced. I have 3 young kids.

I had an affair and it destroyed my marriage and my life. We divorced in April 2011 after three years of trying to work through the affair but I kept contacting the OW.

I broke it off with the OW about 2 months ago and just found out she is dating someone else. It has devestated me but also has brought me back to reality.

I can't believe what has happened and what I have done. My ex has no desire to reconcile especially since I have a track record of going back to the OW.

I finally see what that affair did. Now I am reaping the consequences.

I don't know what to do. Do I try to win her back or do I just move on. Not even sure if she would want to try again and I can't blame her.

Hi bob,

are you trying to get back with your ex-wife because OW dumped you, or would you want her back because you love her?

What is it you've done? Can you tell in your words how you have hurt your family and wife?

What are you doing to prevent this from happening again?

Good Questions.

I do love my wife although we have been apart for over a year now and I do not have feelings for her as I'm pretty sure she does not have feelings for me.

I do believe I am coming out of the fog and still have feelings for the OW and I know as Dr. Harley says it usually takes 6 months.

I have destroyed everything we had. We did have a good marriage and a great family. We had our ups and downs but the affair just messed me up big time.

I know I have devestated her and the kids. I know it has been very painful but I'm sure I don't totally know how bad it has been.

I have been incredibly selfish and I just wasn't thinking straight. I was definitely in a fog and I believe I am coming out of it.

I can't say I have a plan to prevent it from happening again because I'm not sure there is even a chance to get her back.

If we did get back together, I would want to move out of state to get as far away from this OW as possible.

This pretty much says it all. Your first priority was OW. Your xwife and children didn't figure into the equation until OW dumped you and started dating someone else. That clearly shows that they are a fall-back plan to you. If I can see that, your xwife can, too.

I wouldn't blame her, either. She has probably made peace with her life at this point. She and your children have begun their new, post-intact-family life. Your reappearance may well disturb their healing. That's up to her, of course. Have you spoken with her about your interest in recovering your marriage? What does SHE say?

More info, please: you say you broke it off with OW 2 months ago. When is the last time you actually spoke with her? Do you still have her phone number in your address book? Can you access her Facebook page? When is the last time you tried to have contact with her - with or without her knowledge? By that I mean driving by her house, snooping on her Facebook page, etc.

How long were you in the affair with OW? How did you hook up with her? Do you work together?

I exchanged emails with her this past week for the first time in 2 months. She told me she was dating someone.

I met her at church.

The affair details:
Started 9-2007
revealed it to my wife: 9-2008
Wife and I reconciled twice: 6-2009 and 12-2009
Started emailing OW again 5-2010
Confessed to wife of contact 10-2010
Divorced: 4-2011

You sound less than lukewarm about your wife, and I'm sure she senses this. Why would she want to get back with you? what inventive is there? That's a serious question; can you please try and answer it?

Does your wife have any interest in reconciling?

You are still eyeball-deep in this affair. I suggest that you say NOTHING to your ex about reconciliation at this point.

That might be something for you to consider after a year or so of complete NC with OW.

I would also suggest that you track down her boyfriend and make sure he understands that he is dating someone who has no qualms about dating a married man.

And you went back to her this week when you emailed her again. You are dangerous to your wife.

You are only thinking of reconciling now that you can see OW for what she is - a woman with her knickers attached to a piece of elastic which any man can tweak.

You should leave your wife alone. You are bad and cruel to her. She is only your second best, and a long way behind OW at that. She can do better than being a poor second.

You threw her way, and now she's a catch for someone else. Leave her alone to find someone among the many millions of men who are better for her and the kids than you. Don't guilt-trip her into getting back with you by talking about the kids, please. That would be below the belt.

ooooooooooh, so you are still in touch with the OW? For real?

Does your family know why you got divorced? Do your kids know why their family has busted up? [their dad was chasing some twat from church]

A 3-year affair. That in itself is vicious. I've been through my H's 3.5-year PA, which involved about 6 false recoveries. You cannot begin to understand what you have done to your wife.

2 false recoveries, in which it sounds as if you moved out of the home and your wife let you move back in because you made promises to stop and become a proper husband and father. Those false recoveries would have broken her heart worse than the original affair.

You are still contacting OW and are still in love with her. Hearing this makes me feel sick. Still being in contact with her and tailing about reconciliation is just evil.

Leave your wife alone. What you have done to her is behind cruel and she needs to be free of you.

I agree with this. You are toxic to her. Reconciliation is not in her best interest.

I see everyone's point. I know I am still in love with the OW but I know it will never work out with her. Trust me, I wish I could go back and change what I did. I never wanted this.

I think you all are right that I should not mention reconciliation. I would like to reconcile down the road but I know it will be a long time before she might even consider it and when I have proven I am completely done with OW.

What would it take for you all to take your husband's back if they came back and asked to reconcile. Assuming, they had not contacted the OW for some time. What time frame would that be, etc?

Bob, clearly you did want "this". You wanted your pleasure with OW more than you wanted to be a proper husband and father. You wanted it more than you wanted to honour and cherish your wife.

I'm not your wife, so my answer would mean little. I DO know that, based on the history of the affair, I would not consider reconcilition with you at this point into the forseeable future.

However, your actions going forward would mean a lot to me. For example, I might sit up and take notice if the following were to occur:

- You confess the affair to your church
- Close all avenues of access to OW
- Contact OW's bf and explain the affair to him, so he knows he's dating an adulterer
- Send a NC letter to OW

If I saw a year or two go by AFTER all this has been done, and saw that you have dated no one else, I would have to look hard to see if reconciliation would be an option for myself and my family. Heck, by then I might be involved with someone else. You have to remember that your xW has her own life now.

You were heartbroken to hear this news and for the first time, you realise how alone and lonely you will be from now on. You are in pain, but it is clear that OW doesn't care about you ay longer, and probably never did. She has moved on. She wasn't waiting for you to get a divorce and go to her - that much is clear.

You are devastated to hear this news - far more than you were ever upset at the breakdown of your marriage - and you want the hurt to stop. You are thinking of reconciling with your wife because you want someone to kiss the pain and make it better. The news of your OW shank's real nature is the motivation for your thinking about reconciliation now, not love for your wife.

Your wife is no fall back anymore, but people here can help you recover for you, and perhaps, in years down the road, you will be the man you once were, and your wife *may* fall in love with you again. It is not impossible in the future, but not like this, you are maybe beginning to become aware of what you have done, pursuing a selfish phantasy at the cost of your wife and children's well-being, but you currently are not an emotionally safe person to be around for them.

As I have said, I DID "take my husband back" after a long affair and false recoveries, and did so again this year after discovering that there had been intermittent contact between my H and his OW for the five years since they last met.

Looking at it analytically now, I would say that the reason why I took him back each time was that, despite its length, and despite his falling in love and treating me and the children horribly, I could see that my H's was a cake-eating affair. That made it different from yours.

My H never left the home. He never made it seem as if a life with OW was a serious possibility for him. He never appeared to be in a dilemma about which one of us he wanted to be with - he always chose to stay with me, and threw OW under the bus on each of my discoveries. He never show me signs of his withdrawal, and never told me that he loved her - I found this out by reading their text messages. Certainly he didn't behave in a loving way towards OW when he dumped her many times (but the fact that he risked losing his family over and over again by allowing contact to continue when the fuss died down wasn't loving towards me either). Basically, my H broke down and begged me to take him back, several times. Somewhere, I suppose, that made a difference, because he had OW waiting for him and didn't want to go to her.

Mine is a very ugly story and I am not trying to paint it as a love story. I think my H was one of the most cruel cake-eaters that I have ever come across, because he hurt me again and again and didn't care while he was doing so. But somewhere I could see that there was a hope for us if he could stop contacting OW. I could see that he didn't love her more than he loved me, I suppose, and that made a difference. It gave me some hope, if dimly.

If I ever get to the point of actually giving upon the marriage, divorcing him and making a life of my own, I don't think I would go back. To get to the point of divorce I would have to have seen that he had no love for me worth having, and that he had no character or backbone enough to do the right thing for his children. I would not go back to someone for whom I knew I was second best, and by a long way at that.

But, do you understand WHY it would never work out?
Do you understand why adultery is so destructive?
Do you understand why people who begin their relationships as co-adulterers make very risky partners?

It's not just that OW is the wrong woman for you.

It's YOU.
It's who you became in order to become an adulterer.
It would never work out with OW because of YOU.

And, do you further understand it will not work out with XBW also BECAUSE OF YOU.

Right now, as is, YOU are not a fit man to be any woman's husband.

Do you further understand what is required is more than "winning" or "wooing" your XBW back?
You need to fundamentally change yourself.

And, you have only begun the first baby step.

Be alone.
No women.

Wondering where to begin on the road to redemption?

Start with your kids.
ALL your focus is on them, their well-being.

You don't need romance, you need to be a father to these children with NO DISTRACTIONS.

OZ has spoken .......

You have to make some move, you have more time to save your marriage all you need is to make some date with your wife and talk to her for reconciliation.

Well said Pep.....

What??? Lovestations, please read the articles on this site and the Basic Concepts before you post advice to other posters.

I've been watching your posts, and you've posted nothing about your situation. You've only spent your few posts making flaky posts that mean zero to the poster.

If I'm watching you, you can guarantee that the mods are as well. They won't take kindly to flaky, disruptive posts to the members here.

What's your story, lovestations? I'm looking forward to your thread.

Well the first thing you need to do is read up on this site in the articles section about no contact letters/NC.

Then write a NC letter telling the OW that you want NC for life that what the both of you did to BW was wrong and hurtful. That you were sorry to hurt your BW and children.

Then go and buy two copies of the book Surviving AN Affair/SAA. Written by doc Harley. Bring a copy of the book to your BW as a gift and tell her this book has taught you about the importance of a NC letter. That the NC letter must be shown to the BS for their approval before it gets sent to the OP. Then have a pre-addressed and stamped envelop ready and put it in BW's mail box after BW approves it. If BW says she doesn't care either way just seal and out the letter into her mail box any way.

Your words have been meaningless so you need to show action.

Also at that time you need to so more action so bring a list with new email address with OW blocked, new phone no, with OW no blocked. Showing BW that you are installing boundaries to keep OW away.

Come back after you have done these things.

One thing it would probably take is more initiative, like, say, reading everything Dr. Harley has to say about surviving infidelity:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

Bob, this is absolutely true, isn't it?

Affairers are horrible liars. Do yourself a favor, and start down the road to recovery, by telling the truth, and admitting that what SugarCane says here is correct.

How could you even begin to fix a problem without being honest about what the problem is? This is the problem: you care only for yourself. Not your wife, not your children. Say it, and begin to have the power to deal with it and rectify it.

My husband asked to reconcile about a year after we separated. I did not see any actions from him that would make me think he'd made any real changes, so I told him no. The very next day he put as his Facebook status that he was in a relationship with the OW.

That was in the summer of 2010. Since then he has spent less than 24 hours with our minor children and even attempted to send them to boarding school against my/their wishes. He has filed frivolous legal actions against me and also threatened legal action against our oldest daughter.

My XH would have to have a complete personality transplant for me to take him back. I'm not holding my breath.

Put your effort into being a good dad to your kids...you have disrupted their lives and destroyed their family...try to minimize the impact on them. Pay whatever child support and alimony you are court ordered to do. Maintain your parenting time with your children.

So BoobMoo have you done anything I told you?

If you wanted a shot back you would.

BOB,
Im confused. You contacted the OW just last week (knowing she is dating someone else?!) the OW prob told you that she was"dating" someone else to get this reaction out of you since you LEFT her 2 months ago..

YOU met this OW at church?!?!?!?!?

What do you really want in your life??
I think the best opition for you is to BE ALONE (single)for awhile and FIND yourself. DOnt focus your energy to this OW.. DOnt you already know the outcome??so why go there?? You said this Affair ruined your life?? so whyyyyy go there?? think about it.

1/21/2012

Hey All,

I exchanged texts about a week ago with OW. I'm not sure if she is dating another guy doesn't matter. I feel the fog is lifting. She emailed me Monday of this week and I did not respond.

I was feeling depressed got on a dating web site this week and talked to few women. Big mistake. I just took down profile this morning after going to my Christian men's group. Got a good group of guys praying for me.

I need to be single and focus on my kids as everyone has said. I have also had some good conversations with my ex and I'm just trying to be friendly and helpful. I offered to help her buy a new van and she was surprised by that.

I feel really glad to have the OW out of my life. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me.

I just want to be a good Dad and maybe in time if possible my ex and I can reconcile. I know that will take a long time for her to even consider but hopefully by my actions she will notice a change.

WOW BOBMO!!!

Very proud of you! I am so glad for you.
If you can stay on this path, only the sky is ur limit!

Glad that you took your profile down off of a dating website. First and foremost you need to work on you. Recover from the pain of the adultry.

I am glad that you join a christian group. those prayer will be def help you. You just have to be strong bc it is not going to be a easy road. But with prayer and displine you will raise above this.

I have a question for you.. what made you get out of the fog??
I am just wanting to know from a man perspective bc i have a HW husband and just wondering what does cheating feel like?? did you really think you were in love? was it always great with the OW?

I hope im not triggering anything for you. (if i am ) i am truly sorry. please forgive me.
I just want an honest answer from aman. thats all. and if you dont want to discuss. I understand.

Glad you are coming around and away from that dark fog!!

Lost79,

I answered this on the question you posted but I wanted to add some more. At least for me, I have been a Christian my entire life, I knew what I was doing was wrong but I became selfish and was enjoying the attention and sex.

But, internally, I was miserable. I felt guilty all the time and I just knew it would not work out. I tried to justify it in my mind but I could never justify it.

Like I said on your post, I always felt out of place with her and her girls. I knew I should be with my wife and kids. I felt awful about that. I felt awful about what I was doing to them, especially the kids.

I have to be honest here, and I still struggle with feelings for my wife. I know I have put her through hell but I can't say I understand how painful it is for her. I know that sounds awful but I am just being honest.

I have over the past several weeks felt more remorse than I have ever before. In fact, my good friend told me he could tell I was feeling remorse and he thought that was good.

I think being away from the OW and coming out of the fog I see the total destruction that I did. It is horrible. Sometimes at night when I trying to go to sleep I think about the damage I have done and I look back and I can not believe I did all that.

God sent many people my way to warn me. Friends and people from my church but I basically ignored them. I really felt trapped and addicted to her.

I don't think this will last with your husband and the OW. But I think the others are right. YOu have to protect yourself just like my ex did. YOu need to think about you and how to get through the pain. If you have a church or Divorce group please go seek them out. I know my ex had many friends and a divorce group that helped her.

She is doing pretty well now. I have not told her that I have broken it off with the OW because she won't believe me and doesn't care. That is okay, I understand that.

I hope that in time, maybe after 6 months or longer I will let her know that I haven't spoken with her or have any desire to.

I feel great being away from the OW now. I feel set free. Even if I don't get back with my ex I feel I have done the right thing for my kids and my ex. They will never have to deal with her again since she won't be in my life

BOBMO,
Thank you so much for being honest and your time.

Yes, i just read your reply on my thread..

I will look into the divorce group. this may help me. I really need the help for my mental state. so thank you once again for this info.

Glad to hear you feel "set free" this is a wonderful thing!

keep it up! you WILL get a blessing out of this bc you repented.

God bless you!

Bob - It is HIGHLY and strongly recommended you change your email, your phone, and write a NO CONTACT letter to the OW.

If you want to heal, and possibly recover your marriage, then the above is your first step.

Agree with PI 100%.

If you are serious about defogging and getting OW out of your life, you need to change all of the ways that she can make contact with you, including blocking her from FB.

Also it would be wise to get rid of anything that would trigger you such as letters, pictures, gifts, etc...

She is like a drug to you and any contact or triggers will keep setting you back.

Why haven't you changed your cell phone number?

Be careful with making decisions based on temporary feelings. You are feeling a lack of attention. Proceed carefully on addressing that. I don't know that getting on a dating site is the best decision you can make right now. As a matter of fact, I think it would be good for you spend some time with yourself and your kids right now, to 'de-tox' from the OW. But it sounds like you decided that, as well, and deleted your account - good job. You are not ready to date, friend. It wouldn't be a good idea for you, or for the woman you may meet. You need to remove any possibility of contact with her to ensure that this continues. You need to change your cell phone number, email addresses, and any other means of potential contact between the two of you.

You're on your way - just be sure to clear out any potential avenue of contact between you and the woman who helped destruct your family.

I am sorry to say this but I do not think that you should even fool yourself about wanting to restore your marriage.
You have been replaced by another man in the same way you replaced the mother of your children and messed up her life .
if I were her I would not want to even get close to you with a ten foot pole,but then Im not.

I would suggest you get your thought processes and motives in the right place before you jump into her life again and start rocking her boat.

The one constant about waywards is how they seem to be so good at looking after thier own interests all the time regardless of who they step on,even thier own kids.

OBHG, not sure what personal need you filled by castigating someone on a 2+ month-old thread.

This being only the most recent of some...surreal...postings from you, I think I'd
recommend that whatever medication you're on, you consider raising the dosage.

BobMo, where you on the radio show a couple times, several segments abut a year apart!? My heart breaks for your wife and children. Follow Harley's advice...its worth its weight in gold.

I'm currently going through a nasty divorce after my husband of 27 years informed me of another woman, locked me out of our home, moved her in and then tossed my belongings. There are many many more ugly and cruel actions I won't go into detail, but, I can tell you it is the most ultimate hurt you can experience. You not only hurt the mother of your children, but your children and beyond. It destroys lives. All for the sake of two people's selfishness. Let her heal. She deserves better.

That would have happened to me if I had not moved out; hubby asked me to leave or kicked me out. He had gotten a girlfriend by March 2011 but I did not leave till June 2011. He hurt me and his kids terribly,but changes happen all the time. Sad thing to me is his church members think I am at fault,but he had the problems of sex addiction not me and refused to change .

Bob,

I so appreciate your sharing your feelings during the affair. My husband experienced exactly what you did to the letter. I have one question for you. Could you not get attention and sex from your wife when you were addicted to the OW. Just curious.

Bob hasn't been here since January 2012. Somebody bumped an old thread and now people are resounding as if it is current.

Originally Posted by BobMo

Lost79,
But, internally, I was miserable. I felt guilty all the time and I just knew it would not work out. I tried to justify it in my mind but I could never justify it.

I have over the past several weeks felt more remorse than I have ever before. In fact, my good friend told me he could tell I was feeling remorse and he thought that was good.

I think being away from the OW and coming out of the fog I see the total destruction that I did. It is horrible. Sometimes at night when I trying to go to sleep I think about the damage I have done and I look back and I can not believe I did all that.

God sent many people my way to warn me. Friends and people from my church but I basically ignored them. I really felt trapped and addicted to her

She is doing pretty well now. I have not told her that I have broken it off with the OW because she won't believe me and doesn't care. That is okay, I understand that.
I hope that in time, maybe after 6 months or longer I will let her know that I haven't spoken with her or have any desire to.

I feel great being away from the OW now. I feel set free. Even if I don't get back with my ex I feel I have done the right thing for my kids and my ex. They will never have to deal with her again since she won't be in my life

BobMo~
You are an "addict"...
In reading your posts, I perceive that you will always be addicted to OW and other women...
When my son went through rehab for substance abuse, he said the exact words you have said...
The only difference is that his addiction was marijuana & alcohol...
Your addiction is OW & other women...
One of the worst things I was told when my son was in rehab (he was in high school) was that part of his "recovery" would more than likely be marked by "relapse"...
You are not, nor will you EVER be, free from the desire for your "fix"...
I have learned on this site that a person who engages in the behavior you have been engaged in for so with OW (and dating sites) experiences the same physical "highs" that heroine provides for drug addicts.
In other words, your addiction to OW & other women gives you the endorphine "fix" you need to "feel good"!
Like my son, you will always be on a roller coaster...
Up & down & sideways & inside-out...
You will have good days and bad days...
You will "feel" free some days...
You will "feel" trapped some days...
How are you going to deal with your addiction on the bad days?
Are you going to be able to be "Rational" when you feel the need to acquire your "fix"?
One of the tools my son was given in rehab is what is called R.E.B.T.
Rational-Emotive-Behavior-Therapy...
Using R.E.B.T. my son has been able to kick his addiction aside when he thinks he "needs" his "fix"!
Think about it...

LoveIs-

He is long gone!!!!

Originally Posted by SugarCane

LoveIs-

He is long gone!!!!

Well,all I've to say is ~ ~ ~

B-U-M-M-E-R...

Wonder why he would bail when he is receiving so much insightful information that would help him understand his plight?!?

Ummmmmm ~ Nevermind...