I have been divorce for 6 months. Altough for the first two months we still were very much togther dinners, lunches, and intimacy. Then one day she started seeing someone else and I was just supposed to get it.

Since then we have continued to have lunch together, eat dinners together, and more but she has been seeing him the entire time. She gave me a list of things I would need to work on for us to reconcile. We talked about restructing our finances if back together. Different scenarios and what naughts. We even talked about how neither of us wanted the divorce even after it, but were to affriad of rejection by the other to say anything.

Now I am totally cut off and supposed to move on.

I dont want to villify her I know she is hurting and confused and the new guy is certainly not helping my cause any. I love her and want no one to ever think badly of her. She is still very hurt and angry over things that happened in our marriage.

I do not want this though, I want to be back together. I am making changes counciling, church, advisors, and mentors. I want to extend these changes to our relationship. I want to give her the partner she deserved our entire life together.

How long were you married? Any kids? Why did you get divorced?

We were married for 10 years (9 full).

We have 4 beautiful kids.

I had a midlife crazy moment after a scary hospital stay. It coupled with fears I had always harboured about having a younger more attractive than me wife, as disappointment in myself that I did not make more money, and my wife having her tubes tied after the birth of our last baby. This caused me to shut down from march until October of last year. I was not mean, but I was a space cadet and emotional distant.

I could give more half reasons but truly the conversations we have had suggest our in ability (or unwillingness) to communicate properly was our biggest problem.

Lack of comminucation on small things, turned into fights on the big things.

Odd thing is we can tell each other "we did not communicate well, lets start" and we still don't. When I try one sided she says she feels shut down.

I remind her of an email she sent to me when I was shut down in which she said "I know you will snap out od this and that we are meant to be together, we are soulmates." Even let her know how right she was and how that email helped snap me out of my funk.

She just gets angry.

Have you read Dr. Harley's basic concepts?
A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

It sounds to me like she fell out of love. Did you have an affair? Why were you in the hospital?

I am confused by your comment about your "fears" about you having a younger, more atractive wife. What does that mean?

I did not have an affair, I was however accused of such.

From early on, I never felt I was good enough for my wife. She was seven years younger, so pretty, so vibrant and I am just your average middle aged nobody.

Why were you accused? What were her reasons for accusing you?

ahhhhhhhhhh, I think I understand now. SHE was the younger wife, right?

eo11, it sounds to me like she fell out of love and may have even met someone else. IT doesn't sound like communication was the problem, but that you were no longer in love.

Was she having an affair when you divorced? Is that the reason for the divorce?

A project at work had me interacting with different personal for a short time, so my conversations about my work at home had a new name in them. If that new name had been Bob or Leroy I doubt it would have made a dent but as it was a female name and a pretty single female at that...

As for reasons I do not know, my wife was/is my ideal I never wanted someone else and still get a sick feeling in my stomach at the thought.

I will admit I did not handle the accusations well or the seeming month of daily questions. I said some things to end conversations that were hurtful and I would do anything to take them back. I tried to take them back the minute I said them but it was too late.

I apologized to my wife and even apologized in writing to my wife with the coworker to ensure no confusion.

Yes ML my wife was the beautiful younger wife.

It sounds like she was upset about your relationship with this coworker. Do you still work with this woman? What was it about this relationship that upset your wife so much?

And I agree it was a HUGE mistake to say hurtful things to her about this. That didn't solve the problem.

No affair

She met this guy after we were officially divorced

The day before and the day after she met him she looked me in the eyes and told me she loved me. A week later she was dating him.

I have/do hope and pray that this was just anger and hurt. That she was just confused and in pain (which is what she told me at first).

That like I did from my funk, she will just wake up one minute and say what the heck am I doing.

She was my forever.

ML I really cannot say what set her off on this particular girl.

I know a very good friend of ours (a female) lived next door to a bunch of guys that all talked about this co worker a ton because of her looks or whatever.

I should never have said things at all but I felt backed into a corner and that anything I said would be wrong so i went smart butt thinking it would come accross as "this is crazy" but it did not.

It is a moment I would give body parts to have back as it is the seminal moment in the destruction of my marriage.

I gotcha. I agree it was a huge mistake. See, jealousy is a reaction to a THREAT in marriage and your wife felt very threatened by this woman. Not because she is crazy but she recognized the threat even though you didn't.. ALL affairs start with opposite sex friendships, many of which are at work. So your wife probably knew the extent of the threat.

If you are in a business that has these projects and some of them may have you teamed with women, she knows she can't be safe in a marriage to you.

What could you do to change this?

Also, that is very reckless of your company to team women and men together like that. That is harmful to marriages. In such a scenario, married people often spend more time with their team members than with their own spouses. The result is often an affair.

When my wife gave me the list of things that have to change to save us a new job was on the list.

I have looked and look now, but there just are not similar paying jobs in this area. I worked my way up here over 12 years and not having a degree was not an issue. Anything else I look at the door shuts whne they hear no degree.

I never entertained thoughts of being with anyone other than my wife so I never viewed a problem. Obviously it was there, is there as my ex still talks about it. I am not sure what to do, but am open to all suggestions.

Just as to reconciliation suggesstions. I know that trying to talk it through as a linear problem and presenting the obvious solution has driven her farther away.

I have been told to "ignore her" or "date others" but it seems to me that I got into this mess by being distant and just the perception of others...

Thank you BTW for responding to these folks

Have you seen these?
Should I remarry my ex or just let it go? #1
Should I Remarry my ex or just let it go? #2

Some suggestions would be to go to your boss and let him know you can't partner up with females because it is so bad for marriage. In the meantime, you could finish your degree or get training in a new field. I would brainstorm solutions with your wife.


And this is a big part of the problem. The people who have affairs are usually the ones who say they will never do it. The reason is because they have poor boundaries around the opposite sex. And working on a project with another woman is such an example. Your wife recogized the risk, but you didn't.


I would think of solutions to this problem and discuss them with her in a respectful way. I would also acknowledge that she was correct in her jealousy.


What is the obvious solution you have presented to her?


That will probably kill any chance you have. See, you have destroyed your marriage by putting your wife in a position to have to COMPETE with other women. More of that will not bring her back.

Is this a first marriage for you both?

I should and I will but to be 100% honest I am scared to

yes

in a ton of ways this was my first serious relationship

I dated plenty and even had some long term girl friedns but I never loved anyone before in 27 years

my mother always says I was born 50 and I am an old soul. It might be true because I always believed in the one and only love

I fear I have now lost mine forever

thanks again (you are kind of a ninja with this quote thing)

Lots of experience!

I suspect you will find that she started seeing him much earlier than 'a week later'.

What is your shared parenting agreement like?
When you say the divorce is final, you do mean absolutely final, signed by the Judge. Right?

This happens all the time. Have you done a background check on this guy? If not do one just to make sure he has no record and is safe around kids

yes final signed by a judge

we have week on week off, so Sunday to Sunday I have all four and the following Sunday to Sunday she has all four.

Was the only reason I agreeed to sign the papers she threatened to change it if I did not.

he has multiple arrest, multiple divorces, a protective order, and a violation of protective order. currently there is an open warrant for a hot check

she over looks it all

the kids do not like him find he to be arrogant and rude.

in fact no one I have spoken to that knows him likes him?

her mother is on my side and her father goes to church with me and the kids.

Are you kidding?
You made a major mistake in custody.
I don't know how or why you agreed to have a low life scum like that around your kids.
But I hope you have sent a copy of his criminal background report to ALL of her relatives.
Also call the police and report his whereabouts. Find out how he drives, what time then call in and report a drunk driver anonymously. They will arrest him when he is pulled over

HDW ~ I have asked my attorney if there is anything we can do and he says not until something goes wrong.

I did nto have to send it to her relatives, they were all so shocked by him even being in the picture they all kind of did their own homework and there are no shortage of people calling him out for not being a good person.

While it sure sounds good to intervene and have him busted, but manipulation to an extent got me in this mess and I do not think it would serve the end goal of getting my wife back.

I understand what your saying though and I am scared to death for her or them to be around this guy.

It would have to be addressed before divorce. In custody battle.
She probably has been having an affair with him for some time and was told to conceal the affair so her custody wouldn't be affected.
Do what I suggested on finding when he drives and make an anonymous call and report him for drunk driving. His warrant will come up when he is pulled over.

I think your wife has been seeing this scumbag for a while.
I suggest you email the Radio Show and ask Dr Harley what he recommends for winning your wife back: Plan A or Plan B

nESRE

Who filed for divorce? What exactly did you say to her? What exactly has she asked you to do, and when did she give you the list(per/post divorce, and how long have you had it)? Would you be willing to do a polygraph to reassure her of your fidelity during the marriage? Have there been ANY incidences of infidelity (ea or pa) in your relationship?

nesre ~ I really do not see what options are there? If I get him arrested, he will get out and it will just make him a martyr to her and make things worse? At least with the open warrant hanging over him I do not have to worry about him showing up at ball games or other kid public functions.

I need to do things the right way for the maximum long term protections.

I basically said sure, what ever, you are right. Again all meant in a spitful, smart arsed way, that was charged with defeated emotion. Never should have said it and it was not true.

I was asked to be less angry and yell less. Both of which i am working on diligently through therapy. Altough i have never enjoyed yelling and want to say do not do it unless I need to be louder than others. My voice does boom a little though so I do want to find other ways to handle things.

She has accused me of hiding my phone and asked that I stop. My phone is an open book and she has access to most every email or social web site I have.

Change jobs

Football being less important to me.

The list was provided in July post divorce.

I would take a polygraph.

While I have had amirers I have never sought or returned any affections to anyone else since I met my exwife. That is before, during, or post marriage.

That's the most insane argument I've heard for not calling the police

If she gave you that list post divorce then she was willing to reconsider being married to you. Turn the scumbag boyfriend in and start plan A

I hope and pray you are correct.

I am somewhat ashamed to say this but I do not know what you mean when you say plan a

My suggestion would be to get BF out of the way and away from your children. ANONYMOUSLY-Do not ever tell her you had anything to do with it.

What are plan A and B

Not sure this fits since you say the R started after your D was final. Maybe others will chime in. Seemed pretty fast for a new R.

nESRE

Have you read LoveBusters? Are you committed to controlling your reactions so you stop having angry outbursts?

Your wife was recently willing to give you another chance. That's very fortunate, so you can't squander it by having ANY off putting behaviors.

Yes, you should discourage your ex's new relationship, but I would recognize her right to make those choices now that you are, legally, divorced.

While understanding her choices are hers, I have tried to discourage.

The kids have (despite me trying to get them to stay neutral) have tried to discourage.

Some friends, some family have tried to discourage.

When she said it was better for the kids for us to be together and she did not like shuttling them back and worth, I agree and say I would embrace the chance to be there to help.

When she complains about money and how hard it is, I am empathetic and give more, buy dinner, buy groceries and say it would be easier if I was home.

Discourage seems to translate into a challenge for her.

Extra help seems to be an insult to her.

She is still very angry and it comes out in almost every conversation.

Then maybe do a plan A for 6 months then go into Plan b

Update ~ things are worse

She is now extreemly angry and the BF is closer to moving in.

She will have moments of nice to me and then BOOM anger just drips from her.

He is no doubt fueling the problem.

It is increasingly clear that he is using her for his gain. He is homeless, has not valid DL, no insurance, no retirement, no future, and a pittiful job as a car stero installer. My children despise and fear him and suggest he drinks constantly.

I have no idea why she refuses to see this stuff and I cannot seem to move into plan A because I cannot get over "what the heck are you doing?"

His open warrant is a class C misdmeanor and the jail is full so they are not actively pursuing lower offenses.

Very frustrating. I need advise more than ever...

On Oct 3 you stated you had been divorced for 6 months. And you were working on some things (a list of requirements for her to consider you for reconciliation).
[*I didn't review your whole thread so forgive me if I'm off the mark or repeat other's advice]

It's been 3+ weeks since then. Not a long time. Remember, you can only change yourself. Are you making progress? What have you been doing to set a good example for your kids (in contrast to how the BF is behaving)?

I don't understand why she would be angry, but I don't think you can take on any responsibility for it, you're divorced -- not your problem.

My advice would be to try to remove yourself from the drama and work on recovering, and whatever goals you're trying to accomplish for yourself. You'll look a lot more atractive once you get some things straight for yourself and become the Dad (and EO) you always wanted to be. Then, you never know, she might just decide to give you the second chance you mentioned at the beginning of this thread. Or...you might realize she's no longer up to YOUR standards.

Are you eliminating LB's from your life, EO11?