Difficult to find and cultivate love - 09/13/13 09:05 PM
It's been 8 long years since I got divorced. I had a 5-year relationship after my divorce but he was not ready to tie a knot so I broke it off. A year later I met someone else and we dated pretty intensively initially, however I found many red flags about him and broke it off too.
I do not believe I am looking for Mr. Perfect, but it seems so difficult to find �the one�. After analyzing myself, I realized that I am very slow to either address issues because I feel bad doing so (but in the end the issues never go away and instead they multiply usually), or I have extremely hard time �letting go�. As a result, I hang onto already broken relationships, without necessarily fixing them, but not letting them go either (so even if I break it off, I feel lonely and end up calling them up again or responding to their emails/texts and we get back together).
For example, the most recent relationship I had was with a man who is 4 years older, someone who has never been married. He is a nice guy however is still somewhat dependent on his mother. She cooks and washes his clothes. Even though she does this for him, he often yells at her, which I pointed out one time. He apologized to me and told me that he would apologize to his mother, but when I asked him about it a week later he said he had not done so yet. His best friend is a very successful guy who is extremely calm, nice, and generous. In my eye, his friend does so much to help my BF. For example, my BF could not qualify for a mortgage, so his friend just provided the loan without charging him any extra points, insurance, nothing. His friend also asks BF to fix computers and (this surprised me) my BF actually charges for this service. Anyway, one time the friend asked BF to fix computers but BF did not do so in a timely manner so the friend just went ahead and hired someone else. I do not see anything wrong with this, as it is a business matter since the friend pays for the service, and it is entirely up to him to decide who to fix his computers. However BF was very upset about this incident (since he lost the earning opportunity) and wanted to end the friendship. The only reason he decided not to do so was simply because he still owes so much in mortgage (he is trying to refinance with a bank but has not done so yet).
After witnessing all of these behaviors, even though I am far from perfection, I could not respect him. I did not tell him about my disappointment about his friend�s computer incident, however, so my BF has no idea how I felt about the whole thing. BF thinks I am a snob and judgmental. Maybe I am. Maybe that is because guys I dated in the past were more gentlemen, did not have dirty mouth (I pointed this out to BF and he got mad, defending he does not swear not as nearly as others and I am being a snob). My family members do not use those words. But because I did not want to fall into the �I am right and he is wrong� mentality, I still stayed with him, as I wanted to reflect the whole thing more and wanted to access if my expectation is unrealistic/being judgmental or if it is reasonable.
In the mean time he has been treating my son pretty badly. He calls my son �you are not normal�, �you are a piece of work�, etc. My son is a very sweet boy, but is not the best listener so I understand when my BF get upset when he is not obeying right away. When that happens I discipline my son together. But even when my son is doing well at school (getting A�s and making to advanced math class), my BF would not say �good job�, instead he said �school got dumbed down now�. I did not say this to him, but I was so angry inside as my BF cannot even help my son with his homework! In my mind BF is not necessarily the most academically successful person either. If my son is singing, BF would say �something is not right about you�. A few weeks ago it was my son�s birthday and I wanted to allow him a sleepover at his cousin�s house since that is what he wanted, and BF said he is spoiled. He did not even bother calling up to wish my son Happy Birthday (most probably because he was mad). I am certain it did not even occur to him to get a present or card for him. I know it is my son, BF is not obligated to do anything, but�. is that normal?? I think in his mind I already spend enough time with my son I should not spend the weekend for my son but for BF.
He likes to lecture how to raise kids, and wanted to marry me and stay home to raise kids (including �kids� he wanted to have with me). He has never been married before and never raised any kids before. I make about 2.5 times more than him and that is why I think he wanted to stay home. Yet I am the one who cooks, cleans, do dishes and washes his clothes. I did not feel it was fair. I come home from work, go pick up my son, and I do not even have time to change and start cooking. BF just sits there and drinks beer. Since BF cannot help my son with his homework, while I am cooking, I also check his homework too. BF does not even set the table. Once I asked him, he said �let the son help, make him more useful�.
I could not take that any more and broke it off. I know this was a right decision. Yet I have a void in my heart. Why do I keep getting this? When can I ever meet someone I can connect, love, and respect? Someone I do not have to worry about getting upset about my son every 3 minutes?
I do not believe I am looking for Mr. Perfect, but it seems so difficult to find �the one�. After analyzing myself, I realized that I am very slow to either address issues because I feel bad doing so (but in the end the issues never go away and instead they multiply usually), or I have extremely hard time �letting go�. As a result, I hang onto already broken relationships, without necessarily fixing them, but not letting them go either (so even if I break it off, I feel lonely and end up calling them up again or responding to their emails/texts and we get back together).
For example, the most recent relationship I had was with a man who is 4 years older, someone who has never been married. He is a nice guy however is still somewhat dependent on his mother. She cooks and washes his clothes. Even though she does this for him, he often yells at her, which I pointed out one time. He apologized to me and told me that he would apologize to his mother, but when I asked him about it a week later he said he had not done so yet. His best friend is a very successful guy who is extremely calm, nice, and generous. In my eye, his friend does so much to help my BF. For example, my BF could not qualify for a mortgage, so his friend just provided the loan without charging him any extra points, insurance, nothing. His friend also asks BF to fix computers and (this surprised me) my BF actually charges for this service. Anyway, one time the friend asked BF to fix computers but BF did not do so in a timely manner so the friend just went ahead and hired someone else. I do not see anything wrong with this, as it is a business matter since the friend pays for the service, and it is entirely up to him to decide who to fix his computers. However BF was very upset about this incident (since he lost the earning opportunity) and wanted to end the friendship. The only reason he decided not to do so was simply because he still owes so much in mortgage (he is trying to refinance with a bank but has not done so yet).
After witnessing all of these behaviors, even though I am far from perfection, I could not respect him. I did not tell him about my disappointment about his friend�s computer incident, however, so my BF has no idea how I felt about the whole thing. BF thinks I am a snob and judgmental. Maybe I am. Maybe that is because guys I dated in the past were more gentlemen, did not have dirty mouth (I pointed this out to BF and he got mad, defending he does not swear not as nearly as others and I am being a snob). My family members do not use those words. But because I did not want to fall into the �I am right and he is wrong� mentality, I still stayed with him, as I wanted to reflect the whole thing more and wanted to access if my expectation is unrealistic/being judgmental or if it is reasonable.
In the mean time he has been treating my son pretty badly. He calls my son �you are not normal�, �you are a piece of work�, etc. My son is a very sweet boy, but is not the best listener so I understand when my BF get upset when he is not obeying right away. When that happens I discipline my son together. But even when my son is doing well at school (getting A�s and making to advanced math class), my BF would not say �good job�, instead he said �school got dumbed down now�. I did not say this to him, but I was so angry inside as my BF cannot even help my son with his homework! In my mind BF is not necessarily the most academically successful person either. If my son is singing, BF would say �something is not right about you�. A few weeks ago it was my son�s birthday and I wanted to allow him a sleepover at his cousin�s house since that is what he wanted, and BF said he is spoiled. He did not even bother calling up to wish my son Happy Birthday (most probably because he was mad). I am certain it did not even occur to him to get a present or card for him. I know it is my son, BF is not obligated to do anything, but�. is that normal?? I think in his mind I already spend enough time with my son I should not spend the weekend for my son but for BF.
He likes to lecture how to raise kids, and wanted to marry me and stay home to raise kids (including �kids� he wanted to have with me). He has never been married before and never raised any kids before. I make about 2.5 times more than him and that is why I think he wanted to stay home. Yet I am the one who cooks, cleans, do dishes and washes his clothes. I did not feel it was fair. I come home from work, go pick up my son, and I do not even have time to change and start cooking. BF just sits there and drinks beer. Since BF cannot help my son with his homework, while I am cooking, I also check his homework too. BF does not even set the table. Once I asked him, he said �let the son help, make him more useful�.
I could not take that any more and broke it off. I know this was a right decision. Yet I have a void in my heart. Why do I keep getting this? When can I ever meet someone I can connect, love, and respect? Someone I do not have to worry about getting upset about my son every 3 minutes?