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Posted By: rennels Really Needing Some Advice - 06/11/14 03:04 PM

Good morning all! I have not posted here in years and I got some great advice in the past and I am looking for some more! I filed for divorce almost 2 1/2 years ago, its taking a little time bc the soon to be ex has been deployed and he lives out of state. We have agreed on everything, including the custody of our 3 children. He isn't the one causing me problems its his mother! Over the last few years, I took a break from dating, I focused on myself, my kids and saving money up to get us moved out of my parents and into our own place, took me awhile but I did it. I also recently have reconnected with a guy who I knew from highschool, things have been going wonderful for us. The only problem is my soon to be ex mother in law. She stops over without calling me, shes been very rude to the both of us, but yet when my soon to be ex decided to date she just wanted me to accept it. I need her to just stop showing up unannoucned, my own parents don't even do that to me. I do not keep my kids away from anyone but its annoying me and I know it is starting to annoy my boyfriend. How do I bring this up nicely withouth hurting her feelings?
Posted By: LongWayFromHome Re: Really Needing Some Advice - 06/11/14 03:30 PM
Originally Posted By: rennels

Good morning all! I have not posted here in years and I got some great advice in the past and I am looking for some more! I filed for divorce almost 2 1/2 years ago, its taking a little time bc the soon to be ex has been deployed and he lives out of state. We have agreed on everything, including the custody of our 3 children.


So you're not yet divorced at this time?

Originally Posted By: rennels
He isn't the one causing me problems its his mother! Over the last few years, I took a break from dating, I focused on myself, my kids and saving money up to get us moved out of my parents and into our own place, took me awhile but I did it. I also recently have reconnected with a guy who I knew from highschool, things have been going wonderful for us.


I just want to point that you're still married. I know lots of people believe it's just a legal piece of paper that needs to happen, but you are still married. Especially because you have children who look to you as their role model for how to act in their own lives, you should not be dating or even have close male friends. This is protect them AND you.

Originally Posted By: rennels
The only problem is my soon to be ex mother in law. She stops over without calling me, shes been very rude to the both of us, but yet when my soon to be ex decided to date she just wanted me to accept it.


She stops by unannounced because she has been permitted to...by you. I'm sure you are trying to be nice to her, but you also need to draw your own lines in the sand, respectfully, of course.

Originally Posted By: rennels
I need her to just stop showing up unannoucned, my own parents don't even do that to me. I do not keep my kids away from anyone but its annoying me and I know it is starting to annoy my boyfriend. How do I bring this up nicely withouth hurting her feelings?


Does your boyfriend live there with you?

If your MIL's unannounced appearances are bothering you, then respectfully let her know and don't open the door and let her in. Tell her you would appreciate a phone call first and don't let her in. Of course her feelings will be hurt, but if she's a reasonable person she will make the effort to accommodate you.

I hope you heed the advice to avoid all dating until you are completely divorced.
Posted By: mrEureka Re: Really Needing Some Advice - 06/11/14 04:14 PM
Originally Posted By: LongWayFromHome
Originally Posted By: rennels
He isn't the one causing me problems its his mother! Over the last few years, I took a break from dating, I focused on myself, my kids and saving money up to get us moved out of my parents and into our own place, took me awhile but I did it. I also recently have reconnected with a guy who I knew from highschool, things have been going wonderful for us.


I just want to point that you're still married. I know lots of people believe it's just a legal piece of paper that needs to happen, but you are still married. Especially because you have children who look to you as their role model for how to act in their own lives, you should not be dating or even have close male friends. This is protect them AND you.
Not to mention, you are involved with someone who thinks it's OK to date married women. These lax attitudes toward marriage may well come around to bite you later on.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Really Needing Some Advice - 06/12/14 12:02 AM
I feel sorry for your kids, to have two wayward parents.
What a horrible example and role models they have for parents.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Really Needing Some Advice - 06/12/14 12:05 AM
As for your new boyfriend, take some advice from the ages...those relationships dont work.
It will not last and will be a complete waste of your time.
Posted By: rennels Re: Really Needing Some Advice - 06/12/14 12:31 PM

All I will say is thanks for the not so helpful advice that I actually came here for. Best wishes for all of you.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Really Needing Some Advice - 06/12/14 12:32 PM
Originally Posted By: rennels

All I will say is thanks for the not so helpful advice that I actually came here for. Best wishes for all of you.

Why? Because the truth is difficult to hear?
Posted By: rennels Re: Really Needing Some Advice - 06/12/14 01:30 PM

Nope, because you guys do not know what I have gone through the last 3 years of my life. My children and I have gone from having NOTHING and when I mean nothing we were moved out of our house so my ex husband could move his girlfriend into the house we shared as a home. To now where I am able to give them everything they need in life, so for people to tell me they have horrible role models as parents, you guys just judged me right off the bat not knowing anything I have been through. I am not looking for sympathy from anyone, I just wanted advice on what to do with my ex's mother.
Posted By: mrEureka Re: Really Needing Some Advice - 06/12/14 01:52 PM
Originally Posted By: rennels

Nope, because you guys do not know what I have gone through the last 3 years of my life. My children and I have gone from having NOTHING and when I mean nothing we were moved out of our house so my ex husband could move his girlfriend into the house we shared as a home. To now where I am able to give them everything they need in life, so for people to tell me they have horrible role models as parents, you guys just judged me right off the bat not knowing anything I have been through. I am not looking for sympathy from anyone, I just wanted advice on what to do with my ex's mother.
My first advice would be not to give her ammunition to use against you. Unfortunately, by dating while still married, you have done just that.

Moving on to the hypothetical situation where your xMIL will not accept your new husband, the response would be to plan B the xMIL until she knocks it off. Your relationship with your husband comes first, and the sole motivation for your xMIL's behavior is to disrupt your marriage, probably with the fantasy that somehow this will make life better for her grandchildren. Maybe she believes there is still a chance for her son to restore his family, if only you would just go along with it.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Really Needing Some Advice - 06/12/14 02:03 PM
Originally Posted By: LongWayFromHome

If your MIL's unannounced appearances are bothering you, then respectfully let her know and don't open the door and let her in. Tell her you would appreciate a phone call first and don't let her in. Of course her feelings will be hurt, but if she's a reasonable person she will make the effort to accommodate you


In addition to mrEureka's excellent advice LongWayFromHome also gave you excellent advice regarding your MIL.

I am sorry for the pain your WH's affair has caused you and your children, we do understand.
Posted By: LongWayFromHome Re: Really Needing Some Advice - 06/12/14 02:14 PM
Originally Posted By: rennels

Nope, because you guys do not know what I have gone through the last 3 years of my life. My children and I have gone from having NOTHING and when I mean nothing we were moved out of our house so my ex husband could move his girlfriend into the house we shared as a home. To now where I am able to give them everything they need in life, so for people to tell me they have horrible role models as parents, you guys just judged me right off the bat not knowing anything I have been through. I am not looking for sympathy from anyone, I just wanted advice on what to do with my ex's mother.


I am sorry for the pain and suffering you and your children have endured as the result of your H's affairs. We do truly understand the devastation heaped upon the betrayed spouses.

However, we as posters here are required by the terms and conditions of registration on this forum to give only Marriage Builders advice, the advice Dr. Harley would give you were he actually posting here.

Time and again, I have heard him say on his radio show to his listeners to avoid dating while still married, regardless of the situation. He says it complicates matters and clouds our judgment. It's not a good model for the way our children should conduct themselves.

Have you ever read his book Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders? It explains what often happens when people live together before marriage.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Really Needing Some Advice - 06/12/14 02:32 PM
Have you seen this? Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders
Posted By: rennels Re: Really Needing Some Advice - 06/12/14 05:37 PM
No I have not but when I get off work I will have sometime to check things out.
Posted By: zibbles Re: Really Needing Some Advice - 06/12/14 06:41 PM
I think with mother in law you just have to be straight up and tell her you can't have her stopping by unannounced.

Maybe start with some validation about how much you appreciate her role in the kids' lives and then just say you need advanced notice if she's going to stop by or some kind of loose schedule.

Remind her that you are on your way to divorce (get it done!!) and that you need to create new boundaries. This is a great chance to practice a skill that comes in handy every day.
Posted By: TheRoad Re: Really Needing Some Advice - 06/15/14 03:30 AM
Originally Posted By: rennels

All I will say is thanks for the not so helpful advice that I actually came here for. Best wishes for all of you.


You are still married. Married people do not date. Get your divorce first.
Posted By: TheRoad Re: Really Needing Some Advice - 06/15/14 03:33 AM
Originally Posted By: rennels

Nope, because you guys do not know what I have gone through the last 3 years of my life. My children and I have gone from having NOTHING and when I mean nothing we were moved out of our house so my ex husband could move his girlfriend into the house we shared as a home. To now where I am able to give them everything they need in life, so for people to tell me they have horrible role models as parents, you guys just judged me right off the bat not knowing anything I have been through. I am not looking for sympathy from anyone, I just wanted advice on what to do with my ex's mother.


So you let your WH make your children homeless. BW's do not move out. They get a lawyer and get the WH to move out.
Posted By: rennels Re: Really Needing Some Advice - 06/16/14 02:44 PM

I did not let my WH make myself and children homeless. Here is a rundown on what happened.

My WH came home from Iraq in September of 2010, he was a VERY different man. I did not know who he was, he was not the man I married. 8 months before he came home on his R&R, we were maid of honor and bestman in our good friends wedding in Alabama, something happened over those 8 months to change him. He would go weekends without coming home, wouldn't answer his phone, numbers on our phone logs that I did not know and yes I would question him because his actions were very questionable. I begged for us to go to consueling, I figured he was obviously suffering from PTSD, I mean 3 deployments def. takes a toll on a person. I begged him to go seek medical treatment but he didn't. I tried, for almost a year to get him help and he just didn't want it.

In August of 2011, we were getting ready to pack for a trip to our homestate which we met in highschool and lived in PA. A few days before we were to leave he goes you and the kids are going to stay in Pa, I will be home in October since I am getting out. He made it very convincing and I stupidly agreed to stay. He left the end of August and was due to come back in October. In the meantime, I had gotten a job and worked full time, the kids were enrolled in school, and we were living at my parents until he was to come home. The weeks came and went and one day he called me and said he was going to re-enlist, bc his unit came down on orders to deploy to Kuwait and he didn't want to leave his soldiers, I can understand that. So he re-enlisted, I told him the kids and I would come down around Thanksgiving to move back, that way I could register them in school and they really wouldn't miss too much school. He told me NO stay in Pa he would be back in 2014. It was odd and thru red flags up to me, I knew there was something he was hiding. I couldn't afford to take off work to go down there myself and snoop but I kept a tab on cell records, called neighbors, nothing. Well he did go out and bought a prepaid phone to make calls to other women.

I learned about both girlfriends when I got a call from one of them telling me everything that had been going on, I knew something was going on and I felt like I didn't even care, I just went and filed for divorce without talking to him, or letting him give me some bullsh*t excuse as to why he did what he did. We were 834 miles apart, so I was NOT uprooting my children again to move them into a house that I no longer considered my home and what had gone on in there. I do not want the house in the divorce, the only thing I want from him is to make sure his kids are taken care of and he does do that, other then that I am ready to be done with him.
Posted By: LearnedTooLate Re: Really Needing Some Advice - 06/16/14 03:04 PM
Regarding your MIL, you will eventually find that you need to stop avoiding potential conflict. Conflict avoidance Never resolves a situation, yet only delays the inevitable and piles additional resentment onto the already growing pile.

Meet with her in a casual atmosphere and state your concerns and boundaries. What do you have to lose?

What outcome are you fearful of occurring?

If she continues to ignore your requests, whichever decision and/or agreement you seem to come to, then you will need to enact your boundaries politely, yet firmly.

People only are able to do to you whatever you allow them to.

On the other subject..... What is delaying the Divorce from being finalized? You stated you filed, in 2012 and it is now half way through 2014.

It still is inadvisable to date while still legally married and going through the emotions that come along with the divorce process.

Many people would characterize any man jumping in to be the shiny white knight as slyly taking advantage of you when you are emotionally at your lowest.

That's your choice and your life though.

I would suggest you reading Dr. Harleys book, Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders though. It " May" be revealing and an eye opener for you.

I do feel for what both, you and your traumatically affected husband have both gone through due to his combat experiences though.

LTL
Posted By: rennels Re: Really Needing Some Advice - 06/16/14 09:18 PM
I filed in 2012, a divorce can not be finalized while your husband ia deployed and he deployed about a month after the papers were sent so he wasnt able to sign them until he got back.

As far as my current boyfriend, I would say my low period was the time I found out about the two girls until march 2013. I went thru many emotions of hating him, being angry, now I can at least talk to him if I have to and not feel the need to wanna just yell at him. So no him taking advantage of me being at a low point now.

I will read that on my day off which is Wednesday. Thank you
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Really Needing Some Advice - 06/17/14 06:22 AM
Did you ever expose his affairs to the IG?
Posted By: rennels Re: Really Needing Some Advice - 06/17/14 11:46 AM

Yes I did expose his affair. She had to move out of the house because she was living with a married man, they told him he was to have NC with her. Now she did move out of the house but they continued to see each other, but like I said, with me living in PA and him not wanting us to move back down I knew something was going on but I didnt know it was to that magnitude. When I found out I felt a relief because I knew my gut feeling wasn't steering me wrong, like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

Today, we are both just waiting for everything to be final. We are both ready to start new chapters in our lives.
Posted By: LongWayFromHome Re: Really Needing Some Advice - 06/17/14 01:46 PM
Dr. Harley would recommend that you go into Plan B with your husband, especially once you are no longer married to him. In Plan B, you would have no further contact with your WH; all communications regarding children and finances would go through in intermediary (IM.) The IM would filter out the extraneous crap and give you only the very relevant messages.

If you marry, Dr. Harley strongly recommends that you never see a past lover again, which would include your H. So getting into Plan B would protect your feelings and your marriage.
Posted By: LongWayFromHome Re: Really Needing Some Advice - 06/17/14 01:53 PM
The reason Dr. Harley speaks out so strongly against living together while unmarried is because these relationships so often have habits formed that turn out to be bad for the marriage. He calls these "renter" relationships.

In a renter relationship, which you can read about in more detail on the Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders thread that was linked for you earlier, partners tend to sacrifice for each other. Sacrifice sounds noble, but in reality, partners tend to keep score and want the sacrifices balanced out evenly.

People in renter relationships tend to argue and fight rather than solve their conflicts with joint agreement.

A buyer relationship is one in which both partners follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, making all decisions jointly. Many marriages don't follow this rule, and Dr. Harley has found that these marriages aren't happy. Most (not all) live-in relationships also don't follow this rule. Then, when the couple married, the habits formed in the pre-marriage relationship, carry through to the marriage, making the marriage unsatisfying.

Does your boyfriend have children, too?
Posted By: rennels Re: Really Needing Some Advice - 06/17/14 04:39 PM

I hardly speak to my WH, he usually contacts the kids through his mother or the kids will call him on his own but again thats when they stay with their grandmother. We really don't speak to each other.

Yes, my boyfriend does have children, he has 2 boys and they are the same age as my oldest son. He had his kids at a very young age, he never married the mother of his kids, she is married now and lives in another city with the boys. I have met his sons twice.
Posted By: LongWayFromHome Re: Really Needing Some Advice - 06/17/14 05:00 PM
Originally Posted By: rennels

I hardly speak to my WH, he usually contacts the kids through his mother or the kids will call him on his own but again thats when they stay with their grandmother. We really don't speak to each other.


That's good.

Originally Posted By: rennels
Yes, my boyfriend does have children, he has 2 boys and they are the same age as my oldest son. He had his kids at a very young age, he never married the mother of his kids, she is married now and lives in another city with the boys. I have met his sons twice.


Dr. Harley talks a lot about the challenges of blended families on his radio show. You can listen for free every day. The biggest problems is that the parent often favors his/her own children and the POJA is difficult to follow.

He recommends that the non-biological parent does not ever discipline the children; only the bio parent should do that. The POJA is difficult to follow because of visitation schedules. A successful marriage IS possible, but the rate is abysmally low - about 15%, according to his research.

Are you both following the POJA at this time in all your decisions together?
Posted By: rennels Re: Really Needing Some Advice - 06/17/14 05:54 PM

Right now, I have the kids every day. WH is still in the army, and currently living in Alabama still. He sees the kids maybe twice a year if that. If my boyfriend and I want to go out, my mom gladly will watch the kids for us. Yes, my kids have met my boyfriend but in a normal setting, usually its a community park not far from my house. The same went for his boys.

As far as dating, this is my first real relationship since I have filed for divorce. I have been doing all sorts of reading up on this website as well as being in a blended family. I understand they are hard. As for my boyfriend, no he does no discipline my children, that is soley on me, they are my children and I will handle them.

However, one day my oldest walked over to my boyfriend the one day and they were chatting. I got a little concerned only because my oldest has trust issues, stemming from alot of things. I let him talk with him, eventually after the two parted ways my boyfriend walked over and told me what my son had asked him. He felt a little out of place, only because my son was asking about puberty. My boyfriend felt good that my son came to him but a little weird because he felt he should have that talk with his dad, but my oldest hardly speaks to his dad. We are both trying to do this right, and we are doing our best to follow everything.
Posted By: rennels Re: Really Needing Some Advice - 06/17/14 05:55 PM

WH is in the process of getting out of the army, I am not sure when he will be living back in PA, but its soon I guess. I am guessing he will be back here permantly before the new year
Posted By: LongWayFromHome Re: Really Needing Some Advice - 06/17/14 06:07 PM
So you are living with your children and your boyfriend lives elsewhere nearby? I misunderstood and thought you were living with him but not so!

When your WH returns to your state, you can finalize your divorce?
Posted By: rennels Re: Really Needing Some Advice - 06/18/14 12:59 PM
Yes all papers have been signed just waiting on the judge now! My boyfriend lives about 5 mins from me. Well im off for the day taking my dad out for a fathers day lunch! HAGD all!!
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Really Needing Some Advice - 06/18/14 02:54 PM
Here's some good clips on blended families. Tell us what you think.
Radio Clip on Blended Families
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Really Needing Some Advice - 06/18/14 02:56 PM
Radio Clip on Blended Families
Posted By: CRV Re: Really Needing Some Advice - 06/19/14 10:20 AM
I'm really needing some advice. My divorce was final on Jan. 27, 2014 and the ex-husband had a business loan at a bank between him and his brother. I was never on the loan and there is one piece of paper in the whole contract that states that I am not a garanteer of the loan. I still got $45,500.00 to pay on that loan because Wisconsin is a 50/50 state. My ex was ordered to pay spousal support and my divorce attorney told me that I had the right to file bankruptcy on that portion of the loan because it's mine. I have and now the ex is trying to get the spousal support stopped. Can he do that?

CRV
Posted By: SugarCane Re: Really Needing Some Advice - 06/19/14 11:07 AM
CRV, that is a question for your lawyer.
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