Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 2 1 2
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 18
R
rennels Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
R
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 18

Yes I did expose his affair. She had to move out of the house because she was living with a married man, they told him he was to have NC with her. Now she did move out of the house but they continued to see each other, but like I said, with me living in PA and him not wanting us to move back down I knew something was going on but I didnt know it was to that magnitude. When I found out I felt a relief because I knew my gut feeling wasn't steering me wrong, like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

Today, we are both just waiting for everything to be final. We are both ready to start new chapters in our lives.


Me BS 31
XWH 31

2 sons 12,6
1 daughter 9

First D Day 6/27/05
NC 6/27/05

Discovery of many affairs in 2011

Filed for Divorced Feb. 2012, currently waiting for divorce to be final!!
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
Dr. Harley would recommend that you go into Plan B with your husband, especially once you are no longer married to him. In Plan B, you would have no further contact with your WH; all communications regarding children and finances would go through in intermediary (IM.) The IM would filter out the extraneous crap and give you only the very relevant messages.

If you marry, Dr. Harley strongly recommends that you never see a past lover again, which would include your H. So getting into Plan B would protect your feelings and your marriage.


Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
The reason Dr. Harley speaks out so strongly against living together while unmarried is because these relationships so often have habits formed that turn out to be bad for the marriage. He calls these "renter" relationships.

In a renter relationship, which you can read about in more detail on the Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders thread that was linked for you earlier, partners tend to sacrifice for each other. Sacrifice sounds noble, but in reality, partners tend to keep score and want the sacrifices balanced out evenly.

People in renter relationships tend to argue and fight rather than solve their conflicts with joint agreement.

A buyer relationship is one in which both partners follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, making all decisions jointly. Many marriages don't follow this rule, and Dr. Harley has found that these marriages aren't happy. Most (not all) live-in relationships also don't follow this rule. Then, when the couple married, the habits formed in the pre-marriage relationship, carry through to the marriage, making the marriage unsatisfying.

Does your boyfriend have children, too?


Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 18
R
rennels Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
R
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 18

I hardly speak to my WH, he usually contacts the kids through his mother or the kids will call him on his own but again thats when they stay with their grandmother. We really don't speak to each other.

Yes, my boyfriend does have children, he has 2 boys and they are the same age as my oldest son. He had his kids at a very young age, he never married the mother of his kids, she is married now and lives in another city with the boys. I have met his sons twice.


Me BS 31
XWH 31

2 sons 12,6
1 daughter 9

First D Day 6/27/05
NC 6/27/05

Discovery of many affairs in 2011

Filed for Divorced Feb. 2012, currently waiting for divorce to be final!!
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: rennels

I hardly speak to my WH, he usually contacts the kids through his mother or the kids will call him on his own but again thats when they stay with their grandmother. We really don't speak to each other.


That's good.

Originally Posted By: rennels
Yes, my boyfriend does have children, he has 2 boys and they are the same age as my oldest son. He had his kids at a very young age, he never married the mother of his kids, she is married now and lives in another city with the boys. I have met his sons twice.


Dr. Harley talks a lot about the challenges of blended families on his radio show. You can listen for free every day. The biggest problems is that the parent often favors his/her own children and the POJA is difficult to follow.

He recommends that the non-biological parent does not ever discipline the children; only the bio parent should do that. The POJA is difficult to follow because of visitation schedules. A successful marriage IS possible, but the rate is abysmally low - about 15%, according to his research.

Are you both following the POJA at this time in all your decisions together?


Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 18
R
rennels Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
R
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 18

Right now, I have the kids every day. WH is still in the army, and currently living in Alabama still. He sees the kids maybe twice a year if that. If my boyfriend and I want to go out, my mom gladly will watch the kids for us. Yes, my kids have met my boyfriend but in a normal setting, usually its a community park not far from my house. The same went for his boys.

As far as dating, this is my first real relationship since I have filed for divorce. I have been doing all sorts of reading up on this website as well as being in a blended family. I understand they are hard. As for my boyfriend, no he does no discipline my children, that is soley on me, they are my children and I will handle them.

However, one day my oldest walked over to my boyfriend the one day and they were chatting. I got a little concerned only because my oldest has trust issues, stemming from alot of things. I let him talk with him, eventually after the two parted ways my boyfriend walked over and told me what my son had asked him. He felt a little out of place, only because my son was asking about puberty. My boyfriend felt good that my son came to him but a little weird because he felt he should have that talk with his dad, but my oldest hardly speaks to his dad. We are both trying to do this right, and we are doing our best to follow everything.


Me BS 31
XWH 31

2 sons 12,6
1 daughter 9

First D Day 6/27/05
NC 6/27/05

Discovery of many affairs in 2011

Filed for Divorced Feb. 2012, currently waiting for divorce to be final!!
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 18
R
rennels Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
R
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 18

WH is in the process of getting out of the army, I am not sure when he will be living back in PA, but its soon I guess. I am guessing he will be back here permantly before the new year


Me BS 31
XWH 31

2 sons 12,6
1 daughter 9

First D Day 6/27/05
NC 6/27/05

Discovery of many affairs in 2011

Filed for Divorced Feb. 2012, currently waiting for divorce to be final!!
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
So you are living with your children and your boyfriend lives elsewhere nearby? I misunderstood and thought you were living with him but not so!

When your WH returns to your state, you can finalize your divorce?


Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 18
R
rennels Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
R
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 18
Yes all papers have been signed just waiting on the judge now! My boyfriend lives about 5 mins from me. Well im off for the day taking my dad out for a fathers day lunch! HAGD all!!


Me BS 31
XWH 31

2 sons 12,6
1 daughter 9

First D Day 6/27/05
NC 6/27/05

Discovery of many affairs in 2011

Filed for Divorced Feb. 2012, currently waiting for divorce to be final!!
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
Here's some good clips on blended families. Tell us what you think.
Radio Clip on Blended Families


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 1
C
CRV Offline
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
C
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 1
I'm really needing some advice. My divorce was final on Jan. 27, 2014 and the ex-husband had a business loan at a bank between him and his brother. I was never on the loan and there is one piece of paper in the whole contract that states that I am not a garanteer of the loan. I still got $45,500.00 to pay on that loan because Wisconsin is a 50/50 state. My ex was ordered to pay spousal support and my divorce attorney told me that I had the right to file bankruptcy on that portion of the loan because it's mine. I have and now the ex is trying to get the spousal support stopped. Can he do that?

CRV

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
CRV, that is a question for your lawyer.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Page 2 of 2 1 2

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (MishellLarson), 31 guests, and 57 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
MishellLarson, Lethabo, Livn1dayAtaTime, widup, Reggg
71,683 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,528
Posts2,322,565
Members71,683
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5