He filed - 10/18/14 01:25 AM
My husband filed for divorce in Sept. after almost 5 years of separation to "work on himself", and 10 years after starting an EA that turned PA.
After DDay 2008, we spent 18 mos. working with Steve Harley and attended numerous workshops and classes together and some he just alone on marriage and betrayal.
He decided after all that work, that he did not want anyone telling him anymore what to do (Steve Harley), he didn't want to have to do anything with me, talk to me, was repulsed by my touch. He wanted to hunt with his friends, go to the wilderness and just be left alone.
He was devastated to hear the OW had married (someone her own age,) and wasn't waiting for him to get through all appearances of attempting to "save" his marriage before he could cut loose and find her and have his fantasy life with her.
I lived for 4 mos. as his housekeeper only (resented and ignored)after his declaration before he decided to leave and "work on" himself.
Several months out he thought we should try to get back together. I asked him what that would look like. He didn't know.
Counseling? "We've done enough of that."
Me as live-in-housekeeper only again? "Don't know."
Have you seen the psychiatrist as our family Dr. wanted you to? "I don't need any psychiatrist."
Are you treating your sleep apnea? "That's just a problem for you, not me."
Are you treating your narcolepsy? "No."
Have you gone back to the IC as our MC suggested to work on your issues independently? "No."
Knowing that without a change, without any work done, getting back together would just be a repeat of the same behavior patterns, I asked him to think about it some more and get back to me.
He got back to me a year and a half later to request divorce mediation. I was stunned and told him I didn't agree with divorce, and God hates divorce. He said he knew how God felt, didn't matter. He is a professing Christian, but, having committed adultery, needs some clarity on the issue.
Last month he served me with divorce papers out of the blue because he said he,"didn't want an argument."
I know you will say, Dr. Harley would advise against separation. He is right, but my husband found me so repugnant that I had hoped that being removed from me would allow him to work on himself, specifically his childhood issues that resulted in the coping mechanisms he used through his life and marriage; passive aggressiveness, conflict avoidance, people pleasing, avoidance of decision making, and deflecting with humor. No work took place. The separation only served to solidify his stance towards me and created independent thinking and no thought of me.
Since his departure, his family sold a business and he received a fortune. Both of our fathers died in the last year and we each received inheritances. He has purchased a hunting ranch and toys and continues to make unsecured loans to "please" friends.
The divorce paperwork is a nightmare. Even my attorney cannot figure out the tax return and wants to hire a forensic accountant.
45 years of my life has been with this man. I built 2 businesses with him, restored the run-down Victorian ranch home (of 4 generations which the family suggested we "burn",) into a showcase, raised and educated 2 daughters, and was looking forward to enjoying our retirement years and the estate we worked so hard to build....together.
Now he wants the properties, business and home and not to pay alimony since I have inherited some assets from my father.
My counselor and pastor have both said I/we did everything possible, more than what most people do. They commend me on my "faithfulness". But, it looks like my husband, the unfaithful one gets everything he wants; rid of me, little expense to get rid of me, good relationship with his daughters, family and friends (I am excluded from gatherings, now in lieu of him), lots of money, properties to play on, freedom to do whatever he wants, cost being no object to anything.
How does one deal with the feeling of being used and thrown away? He is not a businessman. Without my work (unpaid) organizing and managing our business and office, he would not be where he is today.
I see him using our oldest daughter to take over the work I did (she has talked with the counselor about "boundaries" with her father, she is not dumb, but love of daddy does present challenges), and being dated, wined, dined and taken to movies and outings which he wouldn't do with me.
So I ramble, but I have been off these boards for several years - too painful.
Emotionally, going through this process - divorce- is the same as D day and beyond. I am back in the pit of despair and depression - again.
After DDay 2008, we spent 18 mos. working with Steve Harley and attended numerous workshops and classes together and some he just alone on marriage and betrayal.
He decided after all that work, that he did not want anyone telling him anymore what to do (Steve Harley), he didn't want to have to do anything with me, talk to me, was repulsed by my touch. He wanted to hunt with his friends, go to the wilderness and just be left alone.
He was devastated to hear the OW had married (someone her own age,) and wasn't waiting for him to get through all appearances of attempting to "save" his marriage before he could cut loose and find her and have his fantasy life with her.
I lived for 4 mos. as his housekeeper only (resented and ignored)after his declaration before he decided to leave and "work on" himself.
Several months out he thought we should try to get back together. I asked him what that would look like. He didn't know.
Counseling? "We've done enough of that."
Me as live-in-housekeeper only again? "Don't know."
Have you seen the psychiatrist as our family Dr. wanted you to? "I don't need any psychiatrist."
Are you treating your sleep apnea? "That's just a problem for you, not me."
Are you treating your narcolepsy? "No."
Have you gone back to the IC as our MC suggested to work on your issues independently? "No."
Knowing that without a change, without any work done, getting back together would just be a repeat of the same behavior patterns, I asked him to think about it some more and get back to me.
He got back to me a year and a half later to request divorce mediation. I was stunned and told him I didn't agree with divorce, and God hates divorce. He said he knew how God felt, didn't matter. He is a professing Christian, but, having committed adultery, needs some clarity on the issue.
Last month he served me with divorce papers out of the blue because he said he,"didn't want an argument."
I know you will say, Dr. Harley would advise against separation. He is right, but my husband found me so repugnant that I had hoped that being removed from me would allow him to work on himself, specifically his childhood issues that resulted in the coping mechanisms he used through his life and marriage; passive aggressiveness, conflict avoidance, people pleasing, avoidance of decision making, and deflecting with humor. No work took place. The separation only served to solidify his stance towards me and created independent thinking and no thought of me.
Since his departure, his family sold a business and he received a fortune. Both of our fathers died in the last year and we each received inheritances. He has purchased a hunting ranch and toys and continues to make unsecured loans to "please" friends.
The divorce paperwork is a nightmare. Even my attorney cannot figure out the tax return and wants to hire a forensic accountant.
45 years of my life has been with this man. I built 2 businesses with him, restored the run-down Victorian ranch home (of 4 generations which the family suggested we "burn",) into a showcase, raised and educated 2 daughters, and was looking forward to enjoying our retirement years and the estate we worked so hard to build....together.
Now he wants the properties, business and home and not to pay alimony since I have inherited some assets from my father.
My counselor and pastor have both said I/we did everything possible, more than what most people do. They commend me on my "faithfulness". But, it looks like my husband, the unfaithful one gets everything he wants; rid of me, little expense to get rid of me, good relationship with his daughters, family and friends (I am excluded from gatherings, now in lieu of him), lots of money, properties to play on, freedom to do whatever he wants, cost being no object to anything.
How does one deal with the feeling of being used and thrown away? He is not a businessman. Without my work (unpaid) organizing and managing our business and office, he would not be where he is today.
I see him using our oldest daughter to take over the work I did (she has talked with the counselor about "boundaries" with her father, she is not dumb, but love of daddy does present challenges), and being dated, wined, dined and taken to movies and outings which he wouldn't do with me.
So I ramble, but I have been off these boards for several years - too painful.
Emotionally, going through this process - divorce- is the same as D day and beyond. I am back in the pit of despair and depression - again.