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#2824168 10/17/14 08:25 PM
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My husband filed for divorce in Sept. after almost 5 years of separation to "work on himself", and 10 years after starting an EA that turned PA.

After DDay 2008, we spent 18 mos. working with Steve Harley and attended numerous workshops and classes together and some he just alone on marriage and betrayal.

He decided after all that work, that he did not want anyone telling him anymore what to do (Steve Harley), he didn't want to have to do anything with me, talk to me, was repulsed by my touch. He wanted to hunt with his friends, go to the wilderness and just be left alone.

He was devastated to hear the OW had married (someone her own age,) and wasn't waiting for him to get through all appearances of attempting to "save" his marriage before he could cut loose and find her and have his fantasy life with her.

I lived for 4 mos. as his housekeeper only (resented and ignored)after his declaration before he decided to leave and "work on" himself.

Several months out he thought we should try to get back together. I asked him what that would look like. He didn't know.
Counseling? "We've done enough of that."
Me as live-in-housekeeper only again? "Don't know."
Have you seen the psychiatrist as our family Dr. wanted you to? "I don't need any psychiatrist."
Are you treating your sleep apnea? "That's just a problem for you, not me."
Are you treating your narcolepsy? "No."
Have you gone back to the IC as our MC suggested to work on your issues independently? "No."

Knowing that without a change, without any work done, getting back together would just be a repeat of the same behavior patterns, I asked him to think about it some more and get back to me.

He got back to me a year and a half later to request divorce mediation. I was stunned and told him I didn't agree with divorce, and God hates divorce. He said he knew how God felt, didn't matter. He is a professing Christian, but, having committed adultery, needs some clarity on the issue.

Last month he served me with divorce papers out of the blue because he said he,"didn't want an argument."

I know you will say, Dr. Harley would advise against separation. He is right, but my husband found me so repugnant that I had hoped that being removed from me would allow him to work on himself, specifically his childhood issues that resulted in the coping mechanisms he used through his life and marriage; passive aggressiveness, conflict avoidance, people pleasing, avoidance of decision making, and deflecting with humor. No work took place. The separation only served to solidify his stance towards me and created independent thinking and no thought of me.

Since his departure, his family sold a business and he received a fortune. Both of our fathers died in the last year and we each received inheritances. He has purchased a hunting ranch and toys and continues to make unsecured loans to "please" friends.

The divorce paperwork is a nightmare. Even my attorney cannot figure out the tax return and wants to hire a forensic accountant.

45 years of my life has been with this man. I built 2 businesses with him, restored the run-down Victorian ranch home (of 4 generations which the family suggested we "burn",) into a showcase, raised and educated 2 daughters, and was looking forward to enjoying our retirement years and the estate we worked so hard to build....together.

Now he wants the properties, business and home and not to pay alimony since I have inherited some assets from my father.

My counselor and pastor have both said I/we did everything possible, more than what most people do. They commend me on my "faithfulness". But, it looks like my husband, the unfaithful one gets everything he wants; rid of me, little expense to get rid of me, good relationship with his daughters, family and friends (I am excluded from gatherings, now in lieu of him), lots of money, properties to play on, freedom to do whatever he wants, cost being no object to anything.

How does one deal with the feeling of being used and thrown away? He is not a businessman. Without my work (unpaid) organizing and managing our business and office, he would not be where he is today.

I see him using our oldest daughter to take over the work I did (she has talked with the counselor about "boundaries" with her father, she is not dumb, but love of daddy does present challenges), and being dated, wined, dined and taken to movies and outings which he wouldn't do with me.

So I ramble, but I have been off these boards for several years - too painful.

Emotionally, going through this process - divorce- is the same as D day and beyond. I am back in the pit of despair and depression - again.


BS -me 69 WS - him 68
Married 40 years
OW - "daughter" added to family 1/05 for "Fathering healing" - 26 years younger
EA 1/05 - 12/07 PA 8/07 - 12/07
NC 1/08
DDay March 30, 2008
Separation Feb. 17, 2010 two days before our 33 anniversary
DDs 31, 25
WH served me for divorce Sept. 18, 2014
77club #2824169 10/17/14 08:35 PM
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Hi 77club, I am sorry for the pain you feel. A couple of things I wanted to address. Dr. Harley would have told you to separate after three weeks. You stayed with him for 4 months. Not that it would have made any difference in the outcome, but overly long Plan A's make the problem worse, not better. He is a strong advocate of separation and divorce in some cases. While I know you had hoped for the recovery of your marriage, it sounds like divorce is the best outcome given your husbands disinterest in the marriage.

It sounds like you would greatly benefit from an airtight Plan B where you shut off all contact with him. Are you still in contact with him?

You have an opportunity to move on and create a fantastic life for yourself. Many others here have done that very thing.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


77club #2824170 10/17/14 08:36 PM
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Sometimes divorce is the definition of success and reading about all your husbands affairs in your signature, I would call divorce a major success.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2824172 10/17/14 09:00 PM
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I am in contact, but little.
I don't want this divorce to also rob me of my family. I told H we will always have family and friend events (daughter moving towards wedding) and I want them to be pleasant. I don't want my kids having to choose between parents or make numerous stops during the holidays to cover all the in and out laws' gatherings and dinners.

We are amicable during gatherings, just don't speak to each other unnecessarily. It is still hard to see family and friends interacting as before with him, AFTER ALL HE HAS DONE.

I am and can be civil, but I am still very hurt, angry and feeling ripped off.


BS -me 69 WS - him 68
Married 40 years
OW - "daughter" added to family 1/05 for "Fathering healing" - 26 years younger
EA 1/05 - 12/07 PA 8/07 - 12/07
NC 1/08
DDay March 30, 2008
Separation Feb. 17, 2010 two days before our 33 anniversary
DDs 31, 25
WH served me for divorce Sept. 18, 2014
MelodyLane #2824174 10/17/14 09:02 PM
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77club Offline OP
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My husband had one affair, but admitted to crushes and "likes" of women all through our marriage. Steve Harley told me my H "never had any boundaries". Rather than looking to practice care for our marriage, he was looking for affirmation from other women.


BS -me 69 WS - him 68
Married 40 years
OW - "daughter" added to family 1/05 for "Fathering healing" - 26 years younger
EA 1/05 - 12/07 PA 8/07 - 12/07
NC 1/08
DDay March 30, 2008
Separation Feb. 17, 2010 two days before our 33 anniversary
DDs 31, 25
WH served me for divorce Sept. 18, 2014
77club #2824175 10/17/14 09:27 PM
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You are going to be okay.

Just have your own attorney do the best they can and get what you can and move onward.

You didn't waste years. You lived life!

You can't create the marriage you want without your H's cooperation.

Now, get legal stuff settled. Don't feel like divorce will be a failure. You have time to create a great life for yourself!








77club #2824183 10/18/14 12:02 AM
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Please read this.
How to Plan B Correctly


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



77club #2824201 10/18/14 09:33 AM
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Originally Posted by 77club
I
We are amicable during gatherings, just don't speak to each other unnecessarily. It is still hard to see family and friends interacting as before with him, AFTER ALL HE HAS DONE..

I found that being around my XH made me feel sick, depressed and angry even several years after divorce. When I stopped doing that, my outlook improved tremendously. Every time I saw him at an event, it depressed me terribly. You will feel less angry and hurt if you stop that practice.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2824206 10/18/14 10:47 AM
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I understand the benefit of not being around my WH, but most of my family in our area is his side. I have known these people for 45 years. As I said, I have been excluded from the family gatherings because he didn't want me there. They are always glad to see me. I have worked hard to stay in contact with them. I have to do the work and provide the gatherings. But, as more of these gatherings, hosted by me occur with my husband and I there together, cordial, the family has become more comfortable and started inviting me again.

I do not want him to steal yet another thing from my life - family. I do not want the scenario I see too often, stressed out kids trying to navigate the landmines around their divorced parents. I also do not want to be vying for time with grandkids (yet to come).

I am willing to gather with my husband and our kids/family in order to give them a positive time with their family. If it becomes irritating, problematic or uncomfortable for the kids, I'll reassess. This would not be a regular occurrence. But I have seem them stressing out trying to figure out, upon visits home, how to see both of us. My husband usually wants to take the boyfriends away to play without checking into the girls'/couples' plans for meals, visits to others, and down time. He has delivered boys late and thrashed to the girls, who are upset at Dad's "unplanning". If I provide one time/meal together, a lot of that can be avoided. He can still take them off to play, but everyone will have seen each other at least once and met the time crunch of "seeing" people.

This may be wishful thinking, but my H agrees there will be times of family gatherings, and he wants them "pleasant" also.

I threw a big party for our daughter's 30th with 140 people over Labor Day weekend. He was invited, after all, it was his daughter. I did the work, he showed up late with ice and beer and left without helping to break things down, but everyone had a nice time and we hardly had to interact at all. When we did it was civil.

I'm sure as our life develops further and further apart, less contact will be happening and that will be around our children's life events, important events that we will both want to be at. I'm hoping we can be big boys and girls.



BS -me 69 WS - him 68
Married 40 years
OW - "daughter" added to family 1/05 for "Fathering healing" - 26 years younger
EA 1/05 - 12/07 PA 8/07 - 12/07
NC 1/08
DDay March 30, 2008
Separation Feb. 17, 2010 two days before our 33 anniversary
DDs 31, 25
WH served me for divorce Sept. 18, 2014
77club #2824212 10/18/14 11:19 AM
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Originally Posted by 77club
I
I do not want him to steal yet another thing from my life - family. I do not want the scenario I see too often, stressed out kids trying to navigate the landmines around their divorced parents. I also do not want to be vying for time with grandkids (yet to come).

What you will be stealing by staying in contact with him is your mental health. You are angry and bitter NOW and this will get worse as time goes by, I assure you. Your life is not the same and should not be treated the same. You are not going to be married anymore so your life will be different.

Of course your husband wants these gatherings to be "pleasant" so he won't feel guilty about destroying your family. He wants to be your "friend" for that reason. He doesn't care one whit about your mental state.

If I were in your shoes, I would accept the fact that your family has broken up and start protecting your mental health. You CAN have a wonderful, happy life without the grief and sadness if you just cut him out.

Dr Harley would liken your continued association to "having dinner with your rapist." All you do is keep the tragedy of the past in the present.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


77club #2824213 10/18/14 11:21 AM
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Originally Posted by 77club
I
I am and can be civil, but I am still very hurt, angry and feeling ripped off.

This feeling will get worse, not better, if you maintain contact with him. Take it from others who have created happy, fulfilling peaceful lives after divorce. IT was achieved by cutting the rapist out.

Your family wants you to be happy. They don't need to see you hanging around your rapist for life. They need to see a happy, stable woman who has moved on in her life.

You can have a wonderful life if you want.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2824262 10/18/14 03:09 PM
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I will think on all this, Melodylane. But it is hard to not be part of things with the kids/family while he has fun and takes them on trips. Why do I have to have a completely different life and have to make new friends while he continues with our friends and the activities we all did together?

It continues to amaze me how the betrayer has little change except to enjoy things more without their betrayed spouse and the faithful is expected to change everything and everyone they know.

Thanks for your input. I know you want we BS to heal and thrive. The divorce process by its nature makes for not so "pleasant" feelings. I may feel very differently after that is done!


BS -me 69 WS - him 68
Married 40 years
OW - "daughter" added to family 1/05 for "Fathering healing" - 26 years younger
EA 1/05 - 12/07 PA 8/07 - 12/07
NC 1/08
DDay March 30, 2008
Separation Feb. 17, 2010 two days before our 33 anniversary
DDs 31, 25
WH served me for divorce Sept. 18, 2014
77club #2824265 10/18/14 03:16 PM
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Originally Posted by 77club
I will think on all this, Melodylane. But it is hard to not be part of things with the kids/family while he has fun and takes them on trips. Why do I have to have a completely different life and have to make new friends while he continues with our friends and the activities we all did together?

Because hanging around him causes terrible damage to you emotionally. You are very angry and this will get worse, not better. What about when he remarries or brings along a woman he is dating?

Quote
It continues to amaze me how the betrayer has little change except to enjoy things more without their betrayed spouse and the faithful is expected to change everything and everyone they know.

You don't "have to" change anything. crazy I am just telling you how you can reclaim your happiness and peace of mind. Do you want to heal or not?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2824605 10/20/14 02:43 AM
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I am so sorry to hear about your situation. You have been treated terribly in all of this!

If you dwell on this injustice, it causes another layer of hurting to you, it really isn't worth it.

It causes immense private anguish and grief to you, so yes, allow yourself the emotional reaction and release, but don't let these emotions hurt you further.

Since you have been separated for such a long time, is it possible for you to start defining and planning for your life ahead without the WH?

What are your strengths? How would you like to occupy yourself going forward without him?

What can you focus on to make yourself feel good, at peace, and happy again?

What sort of books, movies, travels will lift your spirit?

It is so important that you treat yourself well!

Last edited by Gave2Much; 10/20/14 02:46 AM.
77club #2824625 10/20/14 10:03 AM
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Originally Posted by 77club
My husband filed for divorce in Sept. after almost 5 years of separation to "work on himself"...

Hi 77

Sorry for the pain you are feeling. Your WH has been gone for almost 5 yrs...and I don't mean just physically separated from you. He has been gone! You are holding on to an illusion. Agree very much with Mel and others...your life will change with D and for your own mental and emotional health you shouldn't have contact with WH.

As for the legal side, your inheritance has nothing to do with offsetting alimony. Get everything you are entitled to in the divorce. Stop being 'nice' and accommodating. Plan Hope has not served you well and it sure as heck won't help you during a divorce.

I was married for almost 18 yr (together for 4 yrs prior) when my divorce was final. Life is always going to have it's challenges but overall my the life I have built for myself post-D is great...and I am grateful to be rid of a man that was like a leech vs a husband.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
Gave2Much #2824627 10/20/14 10:03 AM
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Originally Posted by Gave2Much
If you dwell on this injustice, it causes another layer of hurting to you, it really isn't worth it.

x 100


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt

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