Divorcing after 2 years of separation - 06/20/18 04:07 PM
Hi everyone, I don't think I've posted in the normal forum areas before, just in the paid program forums. In 2015 my stbx and I started doing the coaching program. We had been married about 4 years at the time, I have known about MB for quite some time prior as a family member discovered it when her husband had an affair, so I was already well versed and using marriage builders principles for all of our marriage as best I could prior to my husband agreeing to coaching. My stbx, however, wasn't. I introduced him to MB in 2014 and it took about a year to get him on board with doing the program.
In the fall of 2015 things were moving along very well (or so I thought), he was treating me better, putting our marriage first, making decision together (for the most part) instead of deciding what we were doing and informing me. He seemed to be learning and agreeing with the lessons we were doing, we were enjoying our UA time, and so on.
In late fall of 2015 I received a facebook message from someone claiming to be the brother of a woman my stbx worked with. He (who is a very nasty person himself) claimed his sister and my stbx had been having an affair for years, that my stbx had been giving this woman money, buying her children gifts and so on. I had been snooping for quite some time, and could find no evidence of this. I had what I thought was access to everything. I talked to my stbx about it (I know, mistake, although it didn't really inspire him to hide things any better) and he claimed that she was a "crazy wh**e, and would sleep with anyone" and he didn't have anything to do with her because she was so crazy (gaslighting)
Around the beginning of 2016 he seemingly fell of the wagon. He reverted back to the person that he was which lead me to ask him to read the MB material in the first place. Trying to start arguments, making decisions on his own, treating me like my opinion didn't matter, blaming me for mutual decisions we made, now claiming he "didn't want to" do whatever it was we had specifically agreed. Basically trying to make everything my fault, and make me feel like I was impossible to please.
Something was obviously very off again, so I went back to checking up on him and snooping around when he wasn't home. Early spring 2016 I discovered the mother load of all mother loads of evidence of a SSL. It had been going on for 2+ years. He had a hidden cell phone, that was not even a burner, it was on a plan with her. He had bills with her information on them, so he had obviously been paying stuff for her, and so on and so on. I immediately kicked him out, and within 6 months moved a few cities away. I told him I would be willing to work on things but he would have to meet all the conditions necessary to create an affair proof marriage, as well as all the steps outlined in surviving and affair to be taken upon discovery of an affair. He claimed over, and over, and over, he was willing to do all this, and wanted to, and wanted our marriage and blah blah blah yet...never really did a thing.
To make a long story long, it has now been 2+ years. He has done basically nothing. I have seen him once in the last 10 months, and no longer even speak to him, (by his choice, although I know everyone will say I should be in plan B anyway for my own sanity). I have just started moving forward with a divorce, hoping he will be reasonable and work with my attorney towards a dissolution. I know this is the right thing to do at this point, but I'm having a very hard accepting it. Even though he is not even really in my life anymore, and hasn't been for a very long time at this point, I still miss the man I married, although I know because of his refusal to follow the program, and his behavior in general that man doesn't really exist anymore.
Are there resources here to help move on from a divorce? I know there are books out there from other sources, but, I'm so wary of them after everything I've learned from MB. Most of what is out there regarding marriage in general is so far off of what MB says, I'm concerned the resources for divorce recovery will be just as off base. I eventually want to remarry and have a family (I'm 34), and I want a MB marriage from the start so I don't want to allow myself to go off course while I make my way through this process. Can someone point me in the right direct to get started so when the time comes to start dating again, I'll be well prepared?
In the fall of 2015 things were moving along very well (or so I thought), he was treating me better, putting our marriage first, making decision together (for the most part) instead of deciding what we were doing and informing me. He seemed to be learning and agreeing with the lessons we were doing, we were enjoying our UA time, and so on.
In late fall of 2015 I received a facebook message from someone claiming to be the brother of a woman my stbx worked with. He (who is a very nasty person himself) claimed his sister and my stbx had been having an affair for years, that my stbx had been giving this woman money, buying her children gifts and so on. I had been snooping for quite some time, and could find no evidence of this. I had what I thought was access to everything. I talked to my stbx about it (I know, mistake, although it didn't really inspire him to hide things any better) and he claimed that she was a "crazy wh**e, and would sleep with anyone" and he didn't have anything to do with her because she was so crazy (gaslighting)
Around the beginning of 2016 he seemingly fell of the wagon. He reverted back to the person that he was which lead me to ask him to read the MB material in the first place. Trying to start arguments, making decisions on his own, treating me like my opinion didn't matter, blaming me for mutual decisions we made, now claiming he "didn't want to" do whatever it was we had specifically agreed. Basically trying to make everything my fault, and make me feel like I was impossible to please.
Something was obviously very off again, so I went back to checking up on him and snooping around when he wasn't home. Early spring 2016 I discovered the mother load of all mother loads of evidence of a SSL. It had been going on for 2+ years. He had a hidden cell phone, that was not even a burner, it was on a plan with her. He had bills with her information on them, so he had obviously been paying stuff for her, and so on and so on. I immediately kicked him out, and within 6 months moved a few cities away. I told him I would be willing to work on things but he would have to meet all the conditions necessary to create an affair proof marriage, as well as all the steps outlined in surviving and affair to be taken upon discovery of an affair. He claimed over, and over, and over, he was willing to do all this, and wanted to, and wanted our marriage and blah blah blah yet...never really did a thing.
To make a long story long, it has now been 2+ years. He has done basically nothing. I have seen him once in the last 10 months, and no longer even speak to him, (by his choice, although I know everyone will say I should be in plan B anyway for my own sanity). I have just started moving forward with a divorce, hoping he will be reasonable and work with my attorney towards a dissolution. I know this is the right thing to do at this point, but I'm having a very hard accepting it. Even though he is not even really in my life anymore, and hasn't been for a very long time at this point, I still miss the man I married, although I know because of his refusal to follow the program, and his behavior in general that man doesn't really exist anymore.
Are there resources here to help move on from a divorce? I know there are books out there from other sources, but, I'm so wary of them after everything I've learned from MB. Most of what is out there regarding marriage in general is so far off of what MB says, I'm concerned the resources for divorce recovery will be just as off base. I eventually want to remarry and have a family (I'm 34), and I want a MB marriage from the start so I don't want to allow myself to go off course while I make my way through this process. Can someone point me in the right direct to get started so when the time comes to start dating again, I'll be well prepared?