I woke up 3 weeks ago and my wife and son were gone. A couple of days later, she's telling me that she left because it was toxic(verbal from both, never physical). Of course I begged a little. She left me to run our family business that is not doable for one person. So I began hiring anyone I could to help me. After a few days she agreed to come back in (initially 6 months)90 days, providing that I go to counseling. I agree, but not really sure what she's wanting me to get from it. I asked, but she only repeats, "We need to heal." She just kept repeating this. I really started questioning her sanity. No explanation just, "We need to heal." So I suggested that she come home and we go to a marriage counselor. She said, "No." And she said that I should work on me. She suggested that I should get counseling for myself. ??. She later agreed to me going to counseling for a month alone. And keep in mind that I am struggling with the business and losing clients. My wife handle the invoices, payroll, bookkeeping, etc. Me crying and pleading on the phone means nothing. So I/we settle for me to go to counseling for a month, then group(with out 2 adult kids) the second month.
I went to counseling(alone) and told him the situation. The therapist said what I was thinking,...that he needed to hear what her problem with me was, obviously. I told the counselor that she once said that I was Bipolar and a Narcissist. He said that I had no symptoms of either.

I talked my 19 year old son into coming back. He's here now helping me with the business.

She and the kids ended up coming to the second sessions. And there I learned that I just needed to listen to my family. I agreed. But my wife doesn't want to come home, yet. Huh? She said we will evaluate the situation in 5 weeks or so and then a couple of weeks after that she will come home. I'm not getting this. What the hell is going on?

Welcome to MB.

How long have you been married? How many and how old are your kids?

What are her complaints about you? Is she having an affair?

Together 27 years. Married 23 years. Our Adults kids are son:19(lives at home) and Daughter:26

Is she having an affair?? I have no idea. I mentioned her complaints; I'm Bipolar and a Narcissist. But that was later ruled out by the counselor.

I would strongly suggest you check into it. Don't ask her, but quietly investigate.


That is not a complaint, that is a diagnosis. What are the behaviors that bother her?

Dr Harley says that when there's a spouse who decides to separate his default assumption is affair and he is nearly always right.

Add in that she's coming off as insane and that she's got complaints that don't make sense and she's keen on counselling (so long as it doesn't go anywhere) and is trying to pin blame on you; it all sounds very much like an affair.

Every wayward spouse has those particular behaviours.

Can you hire a PI? It shouldn't take more than two days to get the goods.

Who is Dr. Harley? I did think about this. But, she took our son with her. I think she would have left our 19 year old son with me. And I later found out that she went to her mother's house, in another state. These two factors does not support affair for me.

Her complaints are that I argue a lot and I'm self centered. The counselor did say that I am very passionate(and aggressive) about work and getting my family ahead. He suggested that I be more gentle and understanding. I'm working on that.

"Working on it" usually means "I haven't changed, and I'm hoping my spouse won't call me on that fact."

You are on his website, and when you signed up for the forum, you clicked a box that said "I agree to read Dr. Harley's basic concepts for marriage before posting." One of the first links in the basic concepts section introduces you to Dr. Harley and his experiences saving marriages as a counselor.

I said that I am working on it. Be mature, don't do that.

"Working on it" means you haven't made any changes. That's really cute.

Translation: I make unilateral decisions and aggressively force them on her using the justification that I am "getting my family ahead."

Am I right?

Wrong. I think you should leave this to the professionals, or anyone with some sort of respectable education. No offense, but I hope you two(markos and MelodyLane) are not representatives for this forum. I don't mind you asking me anything, but do not make unintelligent accusations. I will not be apart of any forum where I am attacked by anyone.

Is this how you behave at home?

I can see some of the issues just from reading this thread:

1. argumentative
2. insulting
3. defensive
4. aggressive
5. closed minded

We can help you with those issues, but you have to be open to change. It doesn't seem like you are at all. Rather you are hanging onto to the "trying to change" excuse.

**EDIT**

Thanks for proving my point. Best of luck to you, buddy.

We are locking this thread because of numerous TOS violations. Personal attacks are against our TOS. Stop asking for advice if you are going to attack posters who take the time to post to you. Email me directly if you have any questions.