Never done much forum stuff so apologize in advance. lol
Wife filed for divorce Aug. 31st this year. I was pretty shocked.I am a fully devoted Christian, so is she and I knew we have had problems for years but Divorce for me was never an option. Will be married 12 years Feb. 2020 and have a set of boy girl twins that are nine. I made a lot of mistakes, neglected a lot of my responsibilities and never really treated her like the treasure she is. Not to make excuses but I work for a manf. company that works rotating 12 hour shifts so there were some times of tiredness to go along with some low testosterone issues as well. I have the Low T deal worked out and have been much better the last few years. I had a lot of anger issues and outbursts over the years that played into this as well as a lot of hurtful words towards her. I love and cherish her with all that I have but like so many times failed to show each and every day. I hurt for her as well as my kids and then obviously hurt inside myself. Looking for a miracle that only God can do and Heal her heart mind and soul to transform each of us into a better marriage than we had before.

Thanks for listening.

Hi Jared, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. Does your wife work? Are you still together? Please read this and come back and let's discuss: MY SPOUSE JUST LEFT ME. NOW WHAT?

Yes she works. Has worked at the same place for about 15 years. She is staying at the house with the kids and I am staying with my parents for the time being.

Is there a reason you have moved out? Do you know if she is having an affair?

So the divorce papers required that I move out of the house for the time being. There has never been any infidelity nor do I believe anything like that is going on. It was hard but I did ask her and her answer was no and I have never had a reason not to believe her.

The first thing you would want to do is investigate to see if there is an affair going on. It is very, very rare that a wife would separate otherwise. If she is having an affair she wouldn't tell you about it if asked. Rather, she would hide the affair and blame the separation on you, ie: "unhappy for years," "need space," "love you but am not in love with you." She would rewrite history and magnify grievances going back years. Have you looked around at all to see if this is the case? Did she suddenly meet "someone new" after you moved out?

Again she has assured me that this is not the case and I am 99.9% sure of it. We have had civil conversations from the beginning of this and while there isn't serious intimacy going on she has allowed some small affection to her (holding her hand, shoulder rubs, gentle touches).

I'd like to add a few other things that led to this. There was some financial debt that we got in and I tried to somewhat hide to not upset her. I involved my mom who was a CFO for 30 years instead of trying to deal with it all with my wife. She was pretty upset about this as well. She was married before i met her as well. But I met her well after that relationship was over.

Ok, but you have never investigated?

Was she still married and living with her former husband?

I mean I didn't like doing it but I have somewhat snooped some and have never found any evidence of any such affair

No she was already divorced and living on her on when I met her

Is she seeing someone now?

No she is not seeing anyone

Thanks for answering my questions. Cases like this are extremely rare because there is almost ALWAYS an affair going on. Since you have snooped and found there is not an affair, what you should do is follow the advice in the article I posted above. There might be a possibility you can win her back if you work on changing the problems that made the marriage so intolerable that she wanted to divorce. Would she be open to reconciliation if you resolved those issues?

I have started reading some of the post you made thank you. I have started some christian counseling on my own to work through my own problems and have expressed to her my intent to make this work and reconcile and restore the marriage. I asked her the other day what else I can do to show her some of the changes I have already made and ones that I am continuing to work? She said to just keep doing what I am doing.

What are the main problems? Did she complain about these issues before and what was your response?


The best methods of anger management would be to learn relaxation techniques. Dr Harley would recommend anger management training that focused on that. Have you looked into that? What "problems" are you working on with the Christian counselor? Is she/he trained in marriage recovery? [most aren't]

Would your wife fill out this questionnaire to help you better understand her complaints? https://www.marriagebuilders.com/file.htm?id=12-C20AD4D76FE97759AA27A0C99BFF6710 If she could fill this out and elaborate on her top complaints, it would be very helpful.

I have explained my issues with the counselor and it has helped me learn how to handle certain situations. Making sure i have a game plan going into any situation coming up. Working on the anger issues and how to handle them better than I did in the past. At this point she is still pretty locked up as far as doing any counseling together or the questionnaire above. Trying to work at this slowly and at her's and God's pace. I understand it will take some time to break down teh wall to her hardened heart at this point

What techniques are you using?

Biggest one is something we use here at work with safety called "Take Two" Before you dive into trying to fix and issue step back and think about all the outcomes of each decision made

I will tell you it is very strange that a woman would want to divorce a husband who is perfectly willing to resolve his problems. That doesn't make alot of sense. We typically have a very, very hard time persuading women to separate from men who are not willing to resolve intolerable behavior. It can take years, even in marriage with physical abuse. Dr. Harley is a clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders; here is what he says about this:

here

So you can see why I asked questions about possible infidelity. It usually is the case. I believe you have snooped but I would keep an open mind to the possibility.

Biggest one is something we use here at work around safety "Take Two" Basically before jumping into fixing something immediately step back and go through the outcomes of each decision.

One of the most effective techniques we have used [and it worked for me] are relaxation techniques. When I feel anger coming on, I trained my mind to immediately RELAX, essentially rewiring my brain. After awhile it comes naturally because rage is no longer the immediate reaction to frustration. A person who feels RAGE is temporarily insane so the objective is to bypass the part of the brain that signals rage and go to the part of the brain that controls problem solving.

So do I ask her again about it?

The answer will be 'no' either way, so there's no use asking her. You need to find out yourself.

If you meant asking about an affair.

She will say no. They always say no.

OKay

Jared, do you have access to her phone bills? Have you checked the bills? Are you able to go back into your house?

If she is having an affair, we could help you save your marriage. We can help you either way, but the advice we give you will be completely ineffective is there is a hidden affair.