She wants a separation and I'm scared to death - 09/18/20 09:26 PM
Quick backstory. I retired from the military middle of 2019 and am 48 yrs old. It was a medical retirement. I didn't want my career to end. I served over 21 years. I was rated 100% disabled by the VA. Between the retirement check and the disability, I make almost the same as when I worked. Most of the disability centers around PTSD (combat related) and Major Depressive Disorder (many things contributing). Less than a year before my retirement, my son joined the military and was stationed overseas. So in the span of a year, I lost two very important identities. I had one left - her husband.
Here is where most of you will cringe. We have always had an open marriage. At first when we both had high libidos it was for fun. Then her libido died. Being in the military and stationed on small bases, even with her permission to get my needs met I couldn't. Too much risk. Close to 10 years into her low libido (we had sex roughly once a month, but still did intimate things) we ended up in a major US city for my last assignment. She pushed again for me to get a FWB to meet my needs and I did find one. So that lasted a few months and we (myself and the FWB) got too close and we admitted feelings for each other. So since she was in a bad marriage and I was in a good one, we agreed to keep our distance. We eventually downgraded to really good friends, and she moved about a five hour drive away. So right after that is when my son went off, and then my medical retirement.
I started to decline hard mentally. I entered a really bad depression and then something new happened - I started to lose my libido. I had depressive episodes before, but I never lost my libido. Well my wife saw how the pending retirement was affecting me and she worked really hard with doctors and got a physical trainer and she lost the weight and improved her health. Her libido came back - just as mine had died. My mood was so low and flat, I knew I was miserable and I didn't want her to be miserable. So fair being fair - get a FWB, have fun. I need her happy so I can ever have a chance to come out of this. If she was miserable with me...well, misery loves company.
She did. This first one ended in a disaster. I came out of my depression to be there for her, assure her it wasn't her fault, support her. As she tried again, I slipped back. This time she met a guy and it worked out...too well.
Months into it, she was begging me to get out of this depression and get my libido back. So I finally relented. I went to a Men's Clinic and my testosterone levels were bottomed out. She convinced me cost was no object and to try at least six shots. Well, it began working in four. I felt better and my libido was back.
When we tried to have sex, I made the mistake of asking her everything she was doing with this guy. She accommodated. It sent me into a new downward spiral. I couldn't handle it (before, I could...I liked it even). It started a fight in March and that's what has gone on ever since.
I didn't understand why she was so upset at me. Then I called her out on it. I told her they were in love with each other. She denied it for awhile but then admitted to it. At first she offered to break it off with him. I told her he wasn't the problem we had the problem between ourselves. We had to fix us. When it kept going and got worse, I would then ask her to break it off and of course, she would say no. And that is where she has stayed ever since.
The last time we had sex was after Thanksgiving 2019. In June I took her on a trip. We had a great time. Things were looking up. We tried sex. It didn't work out too well. For me, it felt like she felt pressured. For her, she thought it was fine. So when I told her my feelings, and I did relay them poorly, she took it as an attack on her sexuality again (the first time was when the fight started).
Now I have screwed up a lot in this fight. Since COVID, we both worked from home almost all year long, so we were forced to be in each other's faces. I gave an ultimatum. She refused it completely and took it as an insult (I don't blame her). Friends of our helped us negotiate away from that. A week after our trip, she was seeing him almost every day. One day she asked if her seeing him hurt me and I said yes. I said if they were planned meetings and I knew about them ahead of time, I coped better. The next morning she left me a note saying she went to see him...unplanned. So I levied a second ultimatum. This time she picked divorce.
So I freaked. I came up with an alternative - roommates. She moved out of the master bedroom. We separated finances. We started to distance emotionally. Then she had some scary medical news. I dropped all my progress into that to support her, be with her, pay the copays. But it caused confusion with her. Understandable.
Then she hits me with a bombshell. She wants to take trips with him. The first one coming up very soon. I almost filed for divorce right there and then. My reaction is completely unfair. I recognize that. I took trips to see that woman I mentioned earlier during this fight. My wife pushed me to do that...get away, cool down, get a need met. That woman wanted me to divorce and be with her. So this is how my reaction is so unfair. My wife let me take trips. I am considering divorce because she planned trips with him.
She offered to work on the marriage, finally. She wanted to go on this first trip. I said I needed to feel more secure in the marriage. I needed her back in the bedroom, we needed to do more together without her phone in her hands texting him, and I needed for us to try sex again. So for a few weeks, she meets every single need except the sex part. We're working towards it. We even set a date to talk about sex.
The day before that date, she's low...really low. Her anxiety is high and she's sad. I knew the talk the next day would be bad, and it was. Instead of just focusing on sex, she focused on all the progress we had made and cast doubt as to her motivations for it. I was crushed all over again.
Since then, my hurt caused her more hurt and guilt We were both sliding backwards fast. She has repeatedly said she doesn't want a divorce, she loves me more. When she thinks of me no longer in her life, her face displays a sadness I have never seen and she cries hard.
We do need time apart. We do need a separation. It's probably our last, best chance to save this.
And I am scared out of my mind. Panic attacks (as bad as any PTSD episode I have had) hit me multiple times daily. They hit hardest just as I am about to fall asleep, which wakes and keeps me up. So now I am sleep deprived.
Besides marriage counseling which we maintain, I have been seeing my own therapist. Today I finally restarted an anti-anxiety med, and have a new sleep aid.
But being alone. I have never truly been alone. Never. After my first divorce I won custody of my son, then three. I had something to focus on: job and son. Now, I have nothing. I have no family outside of my wife and son. Any friends I have are mutual friends with my wife. I have no support network at all.
I searched for a support group. COVID took that away. Some do virtual like once a month. I need something like several times a day.
I am tempted to bargain with her, ask her to delay the separation. Give my meds time to settle in. Let me get a grasp on this. I don't want to stop her, that would be disastrous. Kicking this dude's rear in would be too, and trust me he deserves it. He played the game, and he played it brilliantly. She still says she doesn't want a divorce. I do understand her need to separate. She needs to be away from the stress and pain and guilt. I probably need it too, but I can't be alone.
What on earth can I do???
Here is where most of you will cringe. We have always had an open marriage. At first when we both had high libidos it was for fun. Then her libido died. Being in the military and stationed on small bases, even with her permission to get my needs met I couldn't. Too much risk. Close to 10 years into her low libido (we had sex roughly once a month, but still did intimate things) we ended up in a major US city for my last assignment. She pushed again for me to get a FWB to meet my needs and I did find one. So that lasted a few months and we (myself and the FWB) got too close and we admitted feelings for each other. So since she was in a bad marriage and I was in a good one, we agreed to keep our distance. We eventually downgraded to really good friends, and she moved about a five hour drive away. So right after that is when my son went off, and then my medical retirement.
I started to decline hard mentally. I entered a really bad depression and then something new happened - I started to lose my libido. I had depressive episodes before, but I never lost my libido. Well my wife saw how the pending retirement was affecting me and she worked really hard with doctors and got a physical trainer and she lost the weight and improved her health. Her libido came back - just as mine had died. My mood was so low and flat, I knew I was miserable and I didn't want her to be miserable. So fair being fair - get a FWB, have fun. I need her happy so I can ever have a chance to come out of this. If she was miserable with me...well, misery loves company.
She did. This first one ended in a disaster. I came out of my depression to be there for her, assure her it wasn't her fault, support her. As she tried again, I slipped back. This time she met a guy and it worked out...too well.
Months into it, she was begging me to get out of this depression and get my libido back. So I finally relented. I went to a Men's Clinic and my testosterone levels were bottomed out. She convinced me cost was no object and to try at least six shots. Well, it began working in four. I felt better and my libido was back.
When we tried to have sex, I made the mistake of asking her everything she was doing with this guy. She accommodated. It sent me into a new downward spiral. I couldn't handle it (before, I could...I liked it even). It started a fight in March and that's what has gone on ever since.
I didn't understand why she was so upset at me. Then I called her out on it. I told her they were in love with each other. She denied it for awhile but then admitted to it. At first she offered to break it off with him. I told her he wasn't the problem we had the problem between ourselves. We had to fix us. When it kept going and got worse, I would then ask her to break it off and of course, she would say no. And that is where she has stayed ever since.
The last time we had sex was after Thanksgiving 2019. In June I took her on a trip. We had a great time. Things were looking up. We tried sex. It didn't work out too well. For me, it felt like she felt pressured. For her, she thought it was fine. So when I told her my feelings, and I did relay them poorly, she took it as an attack on her sexuality again (the first time was when the fight started).
Now I have screwed up a lot in this fight. Since COVID, we both worked from home almost all year long, so we were forced to be in each other's faces. I gave an ultimatum. She refused it completely and took it as an insult (I don't blame her). Friends of our helped us negotiate away from that. A week after our trip, she was seeing him almost every day. One day she asked if her seeing him hurt me and I said yes. I said if they were planned meetings and I knew about them ahead of time, I coped better. The next morning she left me a note saying she went to see him...unplanned. So I levied a second ultimatum. This time she picked divorce.
So I freaked. I came up with an alternative - roommates. She moved out of the master bedroom. We separated finances. We started to distance emotionally. Then she had some scary medical news. I dropped all my progress into that to support her, be with her, pay the copays. But it caused confusion with her. Understandable.
Then she hits me with a bombshell. She wants to take trips with him. The first one coming up very soon. I almost filed for divorce right there and then. My reaction is completely unfair. I recognize that. I took trips to see that woman I mentioned earlier during this fight. My wife pushed me to do that...get away, cool down, get a need met. That woman wanted me to divorce and be with her. So this is how my reaction is so unfair. My wife let me take trips. I am considering divorce because she planned trips with him.
She offered to work on the marriage, finally. She wanted to go on this first trip. I said I needed to feel more secure in the marriage. I needed her back in the bedroom, we needed to do more together without her phone in her hands texting him, and I needed for us to try sex again. So for a few weeks, she meets every single need except the sex part. We're working towards it. We even set a date to talk about sex.
The day before that date, she's low...really low. Her anxiety is high and she's sad. I knew the talk the next day would be bad, and it was. Instead of just focusing on sex, she focused on all the progress we had made and cast doubt as to her motivations for it. I was crushed all over again.
Since then, my hurt caused her more hurt and guilt We were both sliding backwards fast. She has repeatedly said she doesn't want a divorce, she loves me more. When she thinks of me no longer in her life, her face displays a sadness I have never seen and she cries hard.
We do need time apart. We do need a separation. It's probably our last, best chance to save this.
And I am scared out of my mind. Panic attacks (as bad as any PTSD episode I have had) hit me multiple times daily. They hit hardest just as I am about to fall asleep, which wakes and keeps me up. So now I am sleep deprived.
Besides marriage counseling which we maintain, I have been seeing my own therapist. Today I finally restarted an anti-anxiety med, and have a new sleep aid.
But being alone. I have never truly been alone. Never. After my first divorce I won custody of my son, then three. I had something to focus on: job and son. Now, I have nothing. I have no family outside of my wife and son. Any friends I have are mutual friends with my wife. I have no support network at all.
I searched for a support group. COVID took that away. Some do virtual like once a month. I need something like several times a day.
I am tempted to bargain with her, ask her to delay the separation. Give my meds time to settle in. Let me get a grasp on this. I don't want to stop her, that would be disastrous. Kicking this dude's rear in would be too, and trust me he deserves it. He played the game, and he played it brilliantly. She still says she doesn't want a divorce. I do understand her need to separate. She needs to be away from the stress and pain and guilt. I probably need it too, but I can't be alone.
What on earth can I do???