My ex called the kids Thursday night and told them he was going to marry the OW THIS WEEKEND! They have met her a total of three times and she is now their stepmother. They were very hurt and cried miserably on the phone with him. I wasn't home at the time, my mom was with them. According to them, my ex cried harder than they did. He did not invite them to the wedding, he was so overcome with emotion that he didn't say much. My youngest one threw the phone down and my mother spoke to my ex for a minute. She said he was sobbing so hard he could barely speak. She asked him why he was rushing it and he said he felt it was the right thing to do. Not a word about being in love or anything. He saw the kids Tuesday night and never said a word about marriage, has never mentioned it to them. I am willing to bet she is pregnant. My youngest son asked him why he liked OW more than me and my ex didn't reply, just sobbed harder. I am ok with this, its almost as though I have closure. The hard thing is seeing my children go through this and the awful way he has handled it. I almost felt sorry for him. Does anyone think he is happy? I can't understand why he was so upset if this is what he wants and I don't understand why he didn't want his children at his wedding. Any thoughts?<P>AD

AD,<BR> My guess is guilt,guilt,and more guilt.I'm sure he doesn't want to see his kids at his wedding because it would make him feel even guiltier.He would probably just as soon forget his past,and only think of his new life with his new W.You think?<BR> This must be real hard on you.It probably seems so final.Maybe she is the big P.;the reason for rushing it.<BR> Have you ever sent him the stats on the failure rate of second marriages that resulted from a marriage-wrecking affair?I think it's like 95%.Maybe he'll find out the hard way.Do they have a pre-nup agreement?<BR>What do you think the odds are of this marriage lasting?Take care of those kids.<BR> --Murph

AD, <P>I have to agree totally with Murph. I think guilt is the culprit. The chance of this marriage lasting is almost zero! I think Murphy is right about the percentage also. My stbx thinks that 2nd marriages have a better sucess rate than 1st marriages. HA HA HA! Now, that is definitely fantasyland.<P>I think it will just be a matter of time before this whole thing come crashing down on your ex. Be strong and take care.<P>Tulip

AD,<P>he sounds like a man trapped in a nightmare of his own making. He sounds totally miserable. <P>He is ashamed of himself and the mess he's made of his life, and he couldn't stand having to face your children.<P>He knows he's doomed already. You can only hope that he will perhaps find the backbone and courage to not go through with this farce of a "wedding." <P>I am sorry that you have to endure this, but it is in no way a legitimate relationship. He is not in love with this woman. I'd bet you are right, that she is pregnant.<P>He is does not sound like a happy man...he sounds like a desparate man...a condemned man.<P>It won't last long...start the count immediately...<P>~skye~<P>

{{{{{AD}}}}},<P>I feel for you... and your kids...<P>I have more than a strong feeling that I will be in your shoes very shortly...<P>My W isn't asking for any alimony...<BR>My divorce could (maybe) come on Monday...<BR>W has spent 9+ months living with OM...<BR>OM just recently divorced too...<P>However...<BR>...I also believe that my W <B>will</B> want to have the kids at her new marriage...<BR>...I know I'll have to address this... in time too!<P>---------------------------------------------<P>OK...<BR>...are the kids getting into some counseling on this one?<BR>...how about you?...(I know you said your "ok with it")... but it may be some time for you to talk this out!<P>...of course coming here was good!<P>Prayers for peace of heart for you... <BR>Prayers for emotional adjustment for your kids... <P>Jim

AD,<BR>I'm so sorry your kids had to go through this. I imagine my kids will too, although since om lost his job, that may put a damper on things.<P>My d's friend went through kind of the same thing. The father flew to Vegas to get married, but couldn't take any kids along.<P>Be strong for your kids.<P>God Bless<P>Bob

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Murphy:<BR><B> AD,<BR> My guess is guilt,guilt,and more guilt.I'm sure he doesn't want to see his kids at his wedding because it would make him feel even guiltier.He would probably just as soon forget his past,and only think of his new life with his new W.You think?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes, I agree, Murphy, guilt, guilt, and more guilt...... but it seems to me it's being piiled on the kids from MOM. My husband didn't want his kids at our wedding because we didn't want their mother to be there and because we didn't want to have four kids on our honeymoon. <P>The first part of AlreadyDivorced's letter speaks volumes in the tone.... he married the other woman and the kids only met her three times. I'm sorry to tell you this, but your kids didn't know you either before you were their mother.... you just started being a mother..... but I would bet there wasn't someone in the background wishing doom and misfortune to your attempts, and reminding you of how awful you were at your mistakes and failures.<P>Your husband has another mate. Your children need discussion and conversation and communication...... BUT LET THEM TELL YOU HOW THEY HONESTLY FEEL....... don't transfer your obvious venom into them just so they can show you their loyalty to you by repeating every word you plant in their mouths.<P>How were you acting while the kids were on the phone?<P>When your children started crying on the telephone, why didn't you take the receiver, tell your husband, "Maybe it would be better to continue this conversation later when you're not so upset and the kids aren't so upset?" My guess is, you were enjoying the fact that the kids were demonstrating what you were wanting to demonstrate..... your complete hatred for your husband, their father.<P>Please ready my EX-WIVES - RAMBOS WITH PMS. You sound like a viable candidate. I hope you can put your hurt, your rejection, and your mind games away for the sake of yourself, your ex-husband, and your children. Until you do, there won't be any healing in that or any relationship.<P>Katherine<P>

<B>Katherine</B>...<P>I'm praying for you... <P><B>AD</B>...<P>My heart hears you... <P>Jim

Thank you all for your reply. My kids are in counseling and are ok for the most part. The reason they took this so hard is because it came out of the blue and with no preparation from my ex. I appreciate all your kind thoughts and prayers.<P>Pesky Wabbit,<P>I don't know your story. You seemed to have assumed an awful lot from my post. If you had paid attention to it, you would have noticed that I mentioned I wasn't home at the time of his call. I do not in any way condemn my children's father to them, nor do I even discuss him unless they bring it up. I have never kept my children from him, he is the one that chose to do this after they have only met her three times. All this is due to his poor handling of the situation, I have tried to stay out of the way. As I told my attorney, I am tired of trying to clean up his mess. My children could have been at his wedding, I had nothing to do with the fact that they weren't. As far as I know, when they spend time with their dad, that is his time and I am never mentioned. They certainly are not repeating my thoughts to him. He has not discussed any of this with them.<P>AD<P>I don't think there is a pre-nup agreement, he is so broke, what would it matter? I am not wishing bad things on them, I just don't think my ex is happy, I think he will feel more trapped than ever. I feel sorry for him, I think his life is in shambles and he doesn't know which way to turn.<P>AD

AD,<P>I agree with the other posters who say that he is acting this way out of guilt.<P>PeskyWabbit,<P>Go crawl back into the hole you crawled out from. <P>The very least you could do is read the post before you start spewing YOUR venom. The post clearly said that AD was NOT AT HOME AT THE TIME - yet you went on and on speculating about how she may have been acting and what she should have done.<P>

AD,<P>I agree with the rest of them. This doesn't sound like a match made in heaven. Maybe she IS pregnant. Maybe he needs to put on a front to the world showing that breaking up his family was worth it, so he's marrying her. Maybe he feels guilty towards HER for putting her through stuff. I think there is a lot of guilt going on though. <P>It's good that he isn't putting on a happy front for your family at least.<P>Pesky,<BR>I am not sure where you got that point of view from. Are you projecting something from your life instead of reading what she actually said? If ex-wives cause problems for the woman who broke up their marriage, they get no sympathy from me. Sorry.

PW,<P>Popeye said:<BR>If ex-wives cause problems for the woman who broke up their marriage, they get no sympathy from me. Sorry.<P>I feel the same way. It is not AD's responsibility to facilitate her ex-H's new relationship, especially when he lied, cheated, and abandoned his children (IMO) to get it. He acted like a dirtbag, and still is. Sooo, if it looks like a turd and smells like a turd. Guess what? It is a turd.<P>As far as ex-wives acting like Rambo? Sure, why not? What, they're supposed to be all sweetness and light when the person who promised "till death do us part" dumps them for someone who makes their *ick hard? Whatever. Although I agree that fostering hatred in the children will not help them heal, I certainly don't agree that they should ever be encouraged to "accept" the OP or embrace them in any way. It is attitudes like this that perpetuate infidelity and divorce through the generations.

Pesky Rabbit,<P>I had to reply to your response to AD. No, her kids did not choose their Mom, but there is a BIG difference. I don't think anyone wishs doom and misfortune on a new mom. BUT their mom was NOT ruining a already made family for her own selfish satisfaction by breaking up a marriage. I think things would be different if the ow was not the ow and just a woman her ex met AFTER the divorce. I agree with Popeye. If ex-wives cause problems for the woman who broke up their marriage, I have no sympathy either! <P>The ow in my situation has had no sympathy for me, my children, or her own children or H! She walked out on her H & young children and left them 900 miles away. At the same time, my H walked out on his w and 2 young children and moved ow woman here. They then moved in together and neither gave two-hoots about the families they left behind. My stbx didn't pay child support for 8 months and the ow still is not paying child support for her children. Now, I should feel sympathy for people who act like this? I think not! <P>Tulip

Way to Go "The Student"<P>You always have a way with words.......<P>I need to look at my H better.....I think he starting to look like a turd.....LOL

Student,<P>I love the way you put things. I'm sure I have made mistakes thru this thing, but I have tried to help my children heal. I will not pretend to them that what their father did was right. What is the point of trying to instill moral values in them and then turn around and condone something like this? Sure, we should all be perfect and forgiving. I think some people forget that we are human too, and sometimes we break just like everyone else. We have to deal with all this betrayal and mess they leave behind and then people criticize us for not behaving in the way they think we should. IMO we are the ones left raising the children and the person who abandons the family has no right to throw stones.<P>AD

You <B>AD</B> are a gift beyond measure to your children... <P>Jim

AD:<P>First I want to say that I think you are handling things magnificently. While some may quibble with how you help your children deal with the problems caused by the infidels, the bottom line is that you are a responsible, ethical, and respectful parent to them at a time when they need stability from at least one parent. Someone needs to talk to them and help them through the problems. Their father doesn't do it. You need to and I think are doing it very well.<P>I agree with the others that it is not your responsibility to make the children see their father more. It's easy for me to say this after having spent the last year and a half trying to get my wayward to interact with his kids. I've achieved that goal, and sacrificed my own life in the process. Now my husband has a wonderful family, where he feels totally comfortable and spends lots of time, an OW too, and is responsible to no one. I think your way is better. You get to have a life. I also think in the end it will be better for your husband. Unless he's in need of an asylum, at some point he'll have to reach out to his children and take responsibility for his relationship with them. He'll only have an incentive to do it if there's a repercussion to not doing it.<P>I think the best thing you can do for those kids is to be the best mother you can and take care of your own needs. You need to make yourself happy and they need to see it. I think you sound very secure in these posts and have come a long way in moving forward, getting closure, and even in forgiving your husband. You don't sound like a bitter woman to me. You sound sympathetic to his plight. You can be a great role model to the kids on how crises are handled, how we can learn and grow from them, and how to move on with life. I hope the future brings to them a great step-father who can model proper parental and spousal behavior for them.<P>As far as wondering what his motivations are, at this stage of my life I consider that a big waste of energy (this is definitely a "do as I say, not as I do" comment). It's probable that only your ex-husband knows, and then again he may not either. The speculation is usually just self-destructive and it's also often wrong.<P>My opinion is that you know the pertinent elements of the story already, you've let go of him, you know what you're dealing with in terms of his being a parent, and at this stage, have a clear roadmap to follow. You don't really need more information. In that regard, I'm quite envious. I share your compassion towards your husband as I think much of his pain is in the future. Yours is mostly in the past.<P>God bless you and have a wonderful life now. You deserve it.

What a post from Pesky Wabbit! Already Divorced, I'm behind you all the way. What a mess this man is in! The new "wife" will be brining them upon herself. It's interesting how people will justify a person breaking up a family. Such as the "wonderful OW" in my situation pushed for our divorce as her CHURCH would frown upon her dating a married man. What hypocrisy!<P>I check the marriage licenses listed in the paper every day. So far, I haven't seen his listed.<P>My prayers will be with you, Already. <P>Martha

{{{{{ALREADY DIVORCED}}}},<P>I don't have time to read all the replies here so my reply may sound similar, I'm not sure.<P>I can't imagine this, however, my day is coming because I do believe that "if" OW and ex are still together when our divorce is final, they'll get married too. <P>My guess would be number one, ex was crying because of guilt. What the heck is "the right thing to do". Obviously the fact that there IS an OW shows, that at some point, he didn't say that when it truly mattered.<P>I can only comment on my own situation in that his family feels he got so far in over his head, he feels there is no turning back now. Thats not to say that he doesnt' regret it, miss me, or get upset once in a while . But to throw away a marriage over an OP, when someone says "its the right thing to do", would make me think, they are awful confused. <P>Why on earth would he be sobbing?? Maybe he misses you. Maybe that wedding shook him up more than he imagined. Guess what, it sounds like already, that marriage is doomed.<BR>What comes around goes around and I hate to say that at times, however, you can't go on to a second marriage if you didn't learn from what went wrong in the first marriage.<P>I feel your pain and feel terrible for your children. Try and be strong in front of the kids, so they can have some stability. <P>Prayers and hugs,<BR>Dana<BR>

AD, <P>I can only imagine that he must be feeling some guilt about all of this...also perhaps a sense that by marrying the OW, the life he once had is truly over.<P>How are you feeling about this?? Your kids' reaction is normal and I commend you for not putting them in the middle of anything. THey have to go through so much anyway, and as hard as it is sometimes you are right innot putting them in the middle of this.<BR>Hope you are ok through all of this as well.<P> If my x actually married the OP, I am sure I would have some difficult feelings to deal with, despite it is over between us. Like the last nail in the coffin of the marriage, so to speak. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

I want to thank you all for taking time to reply to me. In a way, this has brought some closure, as weird as that sounds. When I first heard the news, my first reaction was, "Oh no, now his life is more messed up than ever." That is his concern now, not mine. I especially appreciate all the support you have given me on how I have handled my children. As I said, I'm sure I've made mistakes, but I have tried to be a solid and stable parent to them throughout this whole mess. <P>Distressed, <BR>I especially want to reply to your post. What you have done to keep their father in your children's lives is remarkable, more than I was able to do. I know you feel as if you have sacrificed yourself in the process, but your unselfishness is a wonderful thing. Your H will have to remember the efforts you have made someday and I'm sure your children will. You have shown a lot of courage and I hope life will bring you the rewards you deserve.<P>I hope none of you have to come to the point that I have, but if you do, remember you can get through it. I will never be the same person I was before this, but when I compare my life to the way it was a year ago, I know that I will survive and be happy. Then, I wasn't so sure. My children and I are still a family and nothing can ever take that away from me. God bless you all.<P>AD