Does anyone that is divorced or is divorcing, still have sex with an ex or STBX?????<P>Was it worse or better than usual??? Is it weak to be the one divorcing him, but still want it and do it? Did/Does it cloud your thinking????<P>Is it wrong?<P>What do you do at the prospect of being 30 and not having it again for a LONG TIME???!!!!! AAUUGGHHH!!<P>I'm just wondering if anyone else is struggling with these sexual issues- or if I'm just nuts and have too many hormones pumping thru my veins!!!<P>I hope this isn't a thread that gets booted- 'cause I feel like I'm completely alone in this- and am wondering if others have experienced this?- and what did you do?<P>Thanks!<BR>

Okay, if I answer, are you going to kick me in the teeth again?

hehehehe- no <P>are you waiting_for_her on this one too? And if so- how long- and if so- HOW??????<P>hehehehe LOL<BR>

I've had two encounters with my stbx since she moved out on May 4th. Sure they were GREAT but it left my heart with lost hope. I felt guilt after words and I wouldn't do it again. It's nice to play pretend but for me I must remain in reality and that's just too much.<P>Just my 2 pennies<P>------------------<BR>Love, Bill<P>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-

No...I know how to wait on that one...was married 18 years, and my end was slower than yours (for a while, at least).<P>To answer your question, (BTW...I understood it when you asked the FIRST time!) I have had my entire existence redefined on the last few months, rather abruptly, and as I said, I was married 18 years. I can't just jump in the sack, and pick up from there. Then again, like my last post, I have to reiterate that I am on the other side of this situational fence from you, so you will probably not understand what I mean so much as want to do the opposite, so here goes:<BR> My WAW either had sex with my friend before we divorced, or has since, that is certain. You on the other hand, have been betrayed in ways I dod not betray her, but the mind of a WAW is a terrible thing to {?}.<BR> You needn't ask anyone's permission to do anything, all you have to do is own the consequences of your actions. If you can handle that, then do whatever makes you happy, you've already decided to do that, right?<BR>Take care.

Too Late..<P>I am 29 and newly separated. I would not consider having sex with my wife now at all. That would not be cool for me or her and I know I would have a hard time with my feelings after the fact if I did. <P>30 is still very young! Don't worry about the fact of "Not Having Sex" for awhile. Enjoy being single for a bit and scan for new prospects! There are alot of them out there!<P>Take Care<P>Bryan<BR><P>------------------<BR>BJK

WFH<BR>Thanks for your response...I always feel like maybe you are angry with me (?) Maybe that is just because it is hard to tell the "tone" of a post- I hope not- I just always get that feeling...<P>My STBX and I have so much chemistry- we always have- sex was not an issue for us in normal terms- I ALWAYS wanted it and he DID NOT!! I had more experience when we married, I enjoyed it more- he did things with me that he never took to anyone else- all things REALLY good and erotic and fun he really only did with me (and that part I believe)<P>NOW- with him trying to love me, and me saying it is over because of our situation and his infidelities- I'm wondering if he is just trying to manipulate me because he knows my need/enjoyment of that type of activity!!?? I question his motives- and I could kick myself for letting my body respond. I heard from someone that I am enjoying it EVEN MORE now, because I have made my decision to move on and he is trying harder to please me??<P>Back when we were young and ignorant- we used to laugh that we would be the only two divorced people who would divorce and still have sex- if only I'd realized than how prophetic those words were!!!<P>I'm succumbing to what I have been craving- and I feel weak and somewhat stupid- but I don't think I regret it (ha- never regret good sex)- but then I wonder if that is a personality flaw- and I'm just too horny to get my head on straight!!! Do I have sexual issues because I like it and that's not normal??<P>I don't get it- and I don't know if I feel more liberated than ever NOW because I don't have to worry about him any more? Maybe that makes me a selfish sexual fool? Am I just using him and clinging on to that chemistry because I don't want to spend the next 30 years sexless??? I don't know! <P>I don't know if it is wrong or right? I don't even know if it is biblical or not? (like- say we are divorced and then decide to have sex?)<P>Good grief??? Can you tell I'm having a pyscho sex day!!!! They say you think about it every 90 seconds- GOOD GRIEF!!!!! Is that ever true!!<P>Well- sorry for going on and on- I just feel like I'm nuts- and now all this sexual stuff is making the water a little murkier!!<P>Thanks!<BR>TLFM<BR>

Ok, I’ll play on this one too……<P>Once my (ex)wife told me of her unhappiness and her desire for divorce, physical intimacy was off limits in my book. We even slept together in the same bed until she moved out (about 3 weeks), but there was nothing. I think I may have kissed her a couple of times, all outside of the bedroom, but that was all I was willing to express of myself.<P>I was faced with the woman I loved walking away from my life and devastating me to know avail. The last thing I was ready for emotionally was the act of making love with her, knowing that it would be for the last time. That was too much for me to handle in my already deflated state and there was no way that I was ready to face even more rejection from her.<P>As far as the feeling of being 30 and not having the opportunity to “get any” for a long period of time, don’t let that get to you. I am a firm believer that no matter what the age, anyone is capable of going out and “getting some” if that is what you are really after. In fact, I think the older we get, the easier it becomes.<P>But that’s just my .02 worth…..<BR>

See now- you all have me really confused- because here you are a bunch of GUYS (LOL) saying that you couldn't do it- and here I am a GIRL and want to!!!<P>I think I have something wrong with me

And <B>they</B> say that men are always the ones thinking of sex.....<P><BR>Too Late, <BR>If it is any consolation for you, divorced women have a reputation you know....there is a theory out there that divorced women are easier targets because they are used to "getting it" from their husbands and now that they are single, they are more likely to want it. As I said before, if all you are after is sex, I'm sure you can go out and find it.<P>I guess the question is, are you just craving sex, or are you craving sex with your husband? Then if you are craving it with your husband, is there any motive behind it other than pleasure?<p>[This message has been edited by Jayhawk 93 (edited June 25, 2001).]

Ok.... I'll play along... since you don't have a girl on your side...<P>I love sex! Your right that has been an area that we really didn't have problems with. (Although it did get quite routine) The OW's H even told me that my H told her that I was a sexual dynimo in bed!<P>I have a hard time with this area now because it wasn't a problem for us, but he still went some where else for it. We still have sex. Some times it is awesome, some times it stinks. What I don't understand is how does a man who can't say "I love you"... have sex with me? <P>Anyways, the best advice I can give you is...<BR>go buy yourself a good vibrator! ;-)<P>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`<BR>Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun."----Matt Groening<BR>

My therapist told me last year that "MANY" separated and divorced people get together for sex. But "many" would not admit to it if asked.<P>Does it make you a weak person? I don't know...I guess you'd have to really think about how you view yourself.<P>I am 46, have been separated for 9mos. And I have a very strong sex drive....so I'm not too sure if age has anything to do with it. I guess "self control" comes into play here.<P>I think Jayhawk has a good point here...if it's just sex or is it sex w/your "H"? Good question to ponder....<P>Anyway, my 2 pennies...<P>PS I am a girl too. d2k

I think my x and I did it once in the last 6 months he was at home. And I didn't do it again for a very, very long time. Which was no fun but I never felt that was something to run around doing with just anyone.<P>I've been reading a wonderful book on dating,<B>If the Buddha Dated</B>, where the question is asked, to paraphrase, <I>Are you considering this for reasons of ego or reasons of spirit?</I> And I prefer to keep it a matter of spirit. So the wait was bearable - for the most part. But I still feel like I should have waited because ego took over. And that's not ideal.

Your thread really caught my eye.<P>I had been with my now XH for 13yrs. and had a long-term boyfriend even prior to him (I am 32). So, basically what I am trying to say is I have never experienced a "gap" shall I say in my sex-life.<P>So when I was faced with being single, I kind of feared how I would take it. Would I turn into a "bad" girl. Don't get me wrong I am a Christian and try to stick to my core beliefs and values. <P>So there I am "out there", (Jayhawk, I didn't know we divorced women had that sort of reputation, but I guess there is some truth in it!). I started to date, and I am still in disbelief at the amount of men that ask me out (now I know why! ) Well, and mabey it is because I have re-opened up the lines of communication with XH, but I have stuck to my beliefs and values. <P>I hate to say it, because I don't know where this is going to lead in regards to my XH and I, but our sex life is pretty spectacular. I think that it may mess with me in the long run, because I want total re-commitment from him and he is still trying to figure things out. At times I don't feel very good about myself for letting him back into my life so easily. It is wonderful while you are in the moment, it is how you feel after they leave that counts. <P>I have posted before regarding sex w/x, it does kind of mess you up in the head. But for me and in my situation, it isn't just the sex it is alot more and there is a possibility of reconciliation. My XH is not seeing anyone else and nor I, that is very important!<P>like everyone else<BR>just my 2cents<BR>Petrie<P><p>[This message has been edited by REJECTED (edited June 25, 2001).]

Okay, since you wanted more female perspectives on it here... I am getting closer to 30... and I will admit that as I approach that milestone in my life, I am finding that my sexual energy is increasing by at least ten fold (which is scary since it was already high from what I thought). <P>In my personal situation, I have not and probably could not with my stbx. For me it was always more an emotional thing then a physical thing, and emotionally after all that has gone on... I couldn't do it.<P>Is it wrong? To answer that I think that I would want to know the answer to Jayhawks question... are you doing it purely for the physical desire, or is there some mental and emotional connection there? Are you hoping to accomplish something (ie: win him back) by having sex with him?<P>As for approaching 30 and the idea of not having sex with another human being for a long time.... well, as far as the physical need goes.... thank goodness for AA batteries and cold showers!!! As far as the mental and emotional connection and closeness... I don't have an answer for you there although I wish that I did.<P>All I can say, if you do decide to continue sexual relations with your stbx... be careful. Always remember, even if he is your only partner, you may not be his, despite what he may claim. And guard your heart. Sex is a very emotional thing and it is easy to find yourself searching to fill an emotional void in your life as well as the physical. It is easy to become extreemely emotionally attached again and get hurt all over.<P>~Java

Thanks girls!!!<P>Hey- it was news to me that divorced women are easy too!! hahahaha- I guess I will have to keep that in mind!! I guess for us women you are damned if you do and damned if you don't! Considered frigid and boring or a slut??? NOT FAIR GUYS!!! Tell- me- IS THAT FAIR??? <P>I am totally on with the sex drive thing quadrupling now that I just turned 30!! And I heard guys hit their sexual peak at like 19...ha! Would I be better off giving some young man an education!! hehehehehehe<P>I don't know if it is a power thing for me or not- maybe in some ways?? Maybe it is satisfaction that NOBODY that he was with was/is better than me in those terms- and that gives me a sense of power?? I don't think so though- ha probably a therapist would say other wise....<P>I just happen to enjoy it- I have so much passion and emotion in me- and I've spent so long with that bottled up and being pushed away and rejected...I mean I couldn't even get excited about vacations, or cry at sad movies without getting the growl and push away from him-(let alone sex!)<P>Maybe the fact that i have told him it's over kind of liberates me to BE MYSELF and be as passionate as I feel like being??? Sex is kind of normal manifestation for that...I feel so FREE to finally be who I am- and LOVING sex is WHO I AM!!! <P>I am guarding my heart too though- he wants so much to love me- but I find myself just "having sex" and he is working so hard to draw it out of me (all that he rejected)- and when he succeeds- LOOK OUT!!!<P>Well though- I guess I'd better behave because then i will be considered the Tampa Tramp! hehehehe LOL And to think- I'm really such a good girl!! <P>Thanks for backing me up girls- isn't it kind of weird that the women don't mind sex with the ex- but the guys are more hesitant? that really actually has surprised me!! You guys!! and here I thought I had you figured out! LOL <P>TLFM

Here's my 2 pennies worth.<P>1. I have heard that (don't know for a fact) that if there are sexual relations during divorce proceedings it could nullify the divorce. Maybe someone else knows for sure.<P>2. In one of your recent posts I believe you mentioned that your STBX has had several sex partners? If I am correct on that, my concern would be that of sexually transmitted disease.<P>3. In my opinion, it's making love - its what 2 people do together as a part of a special bond. Not just a leap in the hay. <P>4. I would vote for keeping my pants on.<P>

Ok, my turn. I have been divorced for about 8 months now. My H left last June. One of his big EN's was sexual fulfillment. I did a poor job meeting that need. He made it very clear to me that he needed it, why, what it meant, etc. I was either too stubborn, bored, tired, angry, or turned off to do it. After he left, I wanted to try everythihng I could to "win" him back. I read books on sex, tried new things, etc. I knew that if I tried to be the wife he wanted, things might turn for the better. We had sex more after he left than when he was still around. NEedless to say, he noticed. His heart softened, though not enough. I will say though that late night booty calls got old and I mistook them for changes of heart. I felt used. I recently saw him ( a few months ago) for the first time in a few months and things got "intimate" though no sex. Just making out. I felt used all over again. There were other issues at hand as to why I felt this way over and over again in hindsight. My only advice would be to watch your motivation. Since you are the one seeking the divorce, it is a volatile and probably confusing thing for everyone involved.<P>Also, in regard to drive. SOmething has happened to me since last year. I don't know what it is but someone turned on a switch that I can't turn off. It is like the off button is missing. Yes, I can relate to your high sexual appetite, but I guess you have to decide what is right for you emotionally. That is an important safegaurd just like physical safety. I do remember you posted another thread about when you could move on. My only suggestion is this: if sex has always been about emotion to you in the past, don't expect that to change. It used to be for me, and since the divorce and a few escapades, I have realized how much I have gone against my grain. Don't do what your heart tells you is wrong. <p>[This message has been edited by gsd (edited June 25, 2001).]

No, I'm not angry...what right would I have? I let you vent in the way you want, I say the things that I feel. You have reached an internal peace with your decision, that's all any of us want for you, or ourselves. My peace is that I am remaining committed to it for now.<P>Okay, about sex. Of course no one likes it more than I do, PLEASE! Really, we are all (supposed to be ) adults here, and sex is wonderful, blah-blah-blah, but that is not where you are at right now. It has become more a matter of necessity than desire. Hey, now you know how we feel! (Yes, I love you, now take off your....) My view has always been that a woman can find a willing man easier (AND CHEAPER, I SUPPOSE!) than a man can. True or not, its how I feel.<P>I'll bet that there is a man in your life...RIGHT NOW, who can 'service' this need of yours, but the question I want to ask you is:<BR> What will he expect of you in return? What will you expect of him?

Don't do it! Sex only complicates things! I'm learning that the hard way right now. <P>

711-<P>Hey! How've you been? Somehow, things don't sound like they are going very well. Keep me posted. I have wondered how you were.<P>morristhecat72@hotmail.com

My husband left me 6 months ago. I always had the strong sex drive and still do.he never fulfilled it. we are in the middle of a mess, with custody (I'll get it), finances, pro-longing it, etc. Meanwhile, I need sex! How do I go about finding a safe person to fulfill my needs? The only men I trust are my friends' husbands, and I can't use them! I am 36 and would appreciate some good, helpful advice.

Bully,<P>Getting into a relationship just 6 months after your H has left may not be the wisest thing in the world to do. Your judgement may be clouded and a decision made when your judgement isn't clear couldn't possibly be a good one.<BR>There are many - shall I say (ahem) "tools" that a girl can use to help her along when things need to be released if you know what I mean .<BR>JMHO and 2 cents worth<P>Nicole<p>[This message has been edited by Patient Love (edited June 27, 2001).]

I really had to decide if I wanted to make this post.<P>Safe? What's that?<P>My H cheated for the duration of my entire marriage. The blood test results came back not to my liking - but this may have been for the last 15 years and I didn't know it. HE denies having any problems and thinks he's ok, so therefore he is out there spreading his little problem around. What I'm trying to say is SO many people out there have things they are not aware of or are in denial about. And you know what, that's life. You live, and you get stuff. Human bodies in a human world. Someone who makes it out of here without a scratch I would say hasn't lived.<P>Yes, someone safe would be nice - but to me that's a search for perfection and lots of disappointment - just like our WS's are doing. What you need to do is not jump in the sack with just anyone and get to know someone first. Why would you have sex with someone you don't know well enough to trust to give you a straight answer. Jumping into sex should not be the first thing. My question is what if you met the dearest kindest man you've ever known, who treats you and your children like royalty, loves God, and everything else that could be great, but has herpes either from his WS or maybe stupidity in his youth? Would you toss this person aside to hunt for someone more perfect? I'm sorry, maybe it's just because of my own situation, but how knee deep. A little educating one's self on things like that goes a long way. Things can be dealt with between two people and aren't as horrific as some would think.<P>Sorry to jump on you for this, but it really bothers me to hear people so concerned about meeting "safe" people rather than looking for QUALITY people who may not be perfect. There is SO MUCH more to life and there is so much MORE to people than just that.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Kathy

WO-<P>I couldn't agree with you more. But the problem becomes if that person is looking for CASUAL sex, then the idea of discussing working around physical problems and limitations becomes moot. If there is a committed relationship, then discussions like that are more comfortable and happen more frequently. I would rather find someone who was willing to be educated and understood the situation I was in if I had a problem, and I would be willing to do the same. That would require intimacy not available in a casual sport-sex relationship. Sport-sex has its limitations too, for sure. It is not a free spirited and casual as some would like us to believe.

First- I'm a guy. <BR>Wife # 1 cut me off about fifteen months prior to divorce. I think she may have had another source! We were still in the same house most of that time.<BR>Wife # 2 and I continued having sexual relations (a couple times a week- a bit less than normal) right up until she left (after filing for divorce, but two months prior to actual divorce date). Felt a little strange sometimes, since the emotional bond wasn't all there. But, we WERE still married, and I'm pretty sure it was still monogamous. Now, six months post divorce, yeah I'd like to have a sexual partner, but I do believe that sexual intimacy is best left for marriage (that bond, commitment, etc), and I think I can wait!<BR>Something I think about sometimes- no one ever regretted NOT having sex, but plenty of people HAVE regretted having sex (outside of marriage).

WO~<P>I agree with you in regards to finding a quality person over a safe person. My thing in regards to safe sex is just this... if someone is going to have casual sex with people that he/she may or may not ever hear from again, knows little to nothing of their personal history, etc etc... I would rather be safe. <P>If I found a person that I cared for, was a quality person, was wonderful in so many ways, and had herpes (since you specifically mentioned that one), would I consider it? Yes. I don't see that person as damaged in any way, shape, or form. I think when I state "safe sex" I am more thinking in the one night stand never to be seen or heard from again. I would not want to contract AIDS from some guy I picked up in a bar that I was only going to see for that one night only. (But my way of protecting myself from that is just this... I won't take some guy home that I just met and knew nothing about.) <P>Specifically in regards to what I said in TLFM's post... they are divorcing. She stated that straight out. Seeing that they are divorcing means to me that they do not plan on having a lasting relationship togeter any longer. If she believes him to be honest about any changes in his life, so on and so fourth, than it doesn't matter. Just that she should protect her heart. In regards to my personal situation with my STBX... I don't know if he is having sex with other people and in regards to my personal feelings towards him at this point in time, he is not worth the risk for me if I was to have unprotected sex with. He has changed so greatly from the person that I once knew so many years ago that even though he may look similar, he is a stranger to me. He is that guy in the bar that I know little to nothing about.<BR> <BR>What you say is dead on... "Things can be dealt with between two people and aren't as horrific as some would think." When two people are willing to discuss it (anything really) like mature people, becoming informed, being honest and upfront with one another... I think that they could overcome anything that life throws at them.<P><BR>~Java

Hey Java,<P>I agree totally. I actually was referring to what Bully asked, advice on how to find someone "safe" who will be able to meet all her needs. I assume when someone wants their needs met, it's not going to be a one night thing unless that's the only need you have. I actually had to go back and reread your post to see what you said.<P>Back on the subject, I have to agree with you again. No way in the world would I ever have sex with my X again knowing how unfaithful he is. I don't need any new surprises. He's been cheating on the OW already. He's a walking time bomb (and not my problem anymore thank you very much). I would suggest anyone who finds themselves back in a possible sexual situation with an X, no matter how much you still love them, that you use your brains for crying out loud!<P>------------------<BR>Kathy<p>[This message has been edited by weirded out (edited June 30, 2001).]