711-<P>Hey! How've you been? Somehow, things don't sound like they are going very well. Keep me posted. I have wondered how you were.<P>morristhecat72@hotmail.com

My husband left me 6 months ago. I always had the strong sex drive and still do.he never fulfilled it. we are in the middle of a mess, with custody (I'll get it), finances, pro-longing it, etc. Meanwhile, I need sex! How do I go about finding a safe person to fulfill my needs? The only men I trust are my friends' husbands, and I can't use them! I am 36 and would appreciate some good, helpful advice.

Bully,<P>Getting into a relationship just 6 months after your H has left may not be the wisest thing in the world to do. Your judgement may be clouded and a decision made when your judgement isn't clear couldn't possibly be a good one.<BR>There are many - shall I say (ahem) "tools" that a girl can use to help her along when things need to be released if you know what I mean .<BR>JMHO and 2 cents worth<P>Nicole<p>[This message has been edited by Patient Love (edited June 27, 2001).]

I really had to decide if I wanted to make this post.<P>Safe? What's that?<P>My H cheated for the duration of my entire marriage. The blood test results came back not to my liking - but this may have been for the last 15 years and I didn't know it. HE denies having any problems and thinks he's ok, so therefore he is out there spreading his little problem around. What I'm trying to say is SO many people out there have things they are not aware of or are in denial about. And you know what, that's life. You live, and you get stuff. Human bodies in a human world. Someone who makes it out of here without a scratch I would say hasn't lived.<P>Yes, someone safe would be nice - but to me that's a search for perfection and lots of disappointment - just like our WS's are doing. What you need to do is not jump in the sack with just anyone and get to know someone first. Why would you have sex with someone you don't know well enough to trust to give you a straight answer. Jumping into sex should not be the first thing. My question is what if you met the dearest kindest man you've ever known, who treats you and your children like royalty, loves God, and everything else that could be great, but has herpes either from his WS or maybe stupidity in his youth? Would you toss this person aside to hunt for someone more perfect? I'm sorry, maybe it's just because of my own situation, but how knee deep. A little educating one's self on things like that goes a long way. Things can be dealt with between two people and aren't as horrific as some would think.<P>Sorry to jump on you for this, but it really bothers me to hear people so concerned about meeting "safe" people rather than looking for QUALITY people who may not be perfect. There is SO MUCH more to life and there is so much MORE to people than just that.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Kathy

WO-<P>I couldn't agree with you more. But the problem becomes if that person is looking for CASUAL sex, then the idea of discussing working around physical problems and limitations becomes moot. If there is a committed relationship, then discussions like that are more comfortable and happen more frequently. I would rather find someone who was willing to be educated and understood the situation I was in if I had a problem, and I would be willing to do the same. That would require intimacy not available in a casual sport-sex relationship. Sport-sex has its limitations too, for sure. It is not a free spirited and casual as some would like us to believe.

First- I'm a guy. <BR>Wife # 1 cut me off about fifteen months prior to divorce. I think she may have had another source! We were still in the same house most of that time.<BR>Wife # 2 and I continued having sexual relations (a couple times a week- a bit less than normal) right up until she left (after filing for divorce, but two months prior to actual divorce date). Felt a little strange sometimes, since the emotional bond wasn't all there. But, we WERE still married, and I'm pretty sure it was still monogamous. Now, six months post divorce, yeah I'd like to have a sexual partner, but I do believe that sexual intimacy is best left for marriage (that bond, commitment, etc), and I think I can wait!<BR>Something I think about sometimes- no one ever regretted NOT having sex, but plenty of people HAVE regretted having sex (outside of marriage).

WO~<P>I agree with you in regards to finding a quality person over a safe person. My thing in regards to safe sex is just this... if someone is going to have casual sex with people that he/she may or may not ever hear from again, knows little to nothing of their personal history, etc etc... I would rather be safe. <P>If I found a person that I cared for, was a quality person, was wonderful in so many ways, and had herpes (since you specifically mentioned that one), would I consider it? Yes. I don't see that person as damaged in any way, shape, or form. I think when I state "safe sex" I am more thinking in the one night stand never to be seen or heard from again. I would not want to contract AIDS from some guy I picked up in a bar that I was only going to see for that one night only. (But my way of protecting myself from that is just this... I won't take some guy home that I just met and knew nothing about.) <P>Specifically in regards to what I said in TLFM's post... they are divorcing. She stated that straight out. Seeing that they are divorcing means to me that they do not plan on having a lasting relationship togeter any longer. If she believes him to be honest about any changes in his life, so on and so fourth, than it doesn't matter. Just that she should protect her heart. In regards to my personal situation with my STBX... I don't know if he is having sex with other people and in regards to my personal feelings towards him at this point in time, he is not worth the risk for me if I was to have unprotected sex with. He has changed so greatly from the person that I once knew so many years ago that even though he may look similar, he is a stranger to me. He is that guy in the bar that I know little to nothing about.<BR> <BR>What you say is dead on... "Things can be dealt with between two people and aren't as horrific as some would think." When two people are willing to discuss it (anything really) like mature people, becoming informed, being honest and upfront with one another... I think that they could overcome anything that life throws at them.<P><BR>~Java

Hey Java,<P>I agree totally. I actually was referring to what Bully asked, advice on how to find someone "safe" who will be able to meet all her needs. I assume when someone wants their needs met, it's not going to be a one night thing unless that's the only need you have. I actually had to go back and reread your post to see what you said.<P>Back on the subject, I have to agree with you again. No way in the world would I ever have sex with my X again knowing how unfaithful he is. I don't need any new surprises. He's been cheating on the OW already. He's a walking time bomb (and not my problem anymore thank you very much). I would suggest anyone who finds themselves back in a possible sexual situation with an X, no matter how much you still love them, that you use your brains for crying out loud!<P>------------------<BR>Kathy<p>[This message has been edited by weirded out (edited June 30, 2001).]