about to go through it... (long) - 08/22/02 06:01 AM
Hi y'all,
If I'm here, you know I'm in trouble, right? But first a little history.
met W to be in Fall '92, my freshman year in college, while still in ACTIVE relationship with hi-school sweetheart. Bad, very bad, I know. Maintained relationship with sweetheart, then started long drawn out breakup while cultivating new relationship with W to be.(knew she was THE ONE!) Having recently perused the concepts that are found on places on this site, I now see the folly in this "breakup". No complete separation, you see. Anyway, of course W to be, now GF at this stage, found out, but after it was all over, in spring '94. Let's just say there was LBs all over the freaking place, across three Florida cities, from then until 1/97. However, despite all the LBs we were still crazy about each other, got married in 1/96, and proceded on best we could. Aside from the occasional flare up when she would throw my pre-marital A in my face when she got angry about something else resulting in LBs all around, we were pretty happy.
Some basic lingering problems remain which include all the usuals from what I've read here...
no one meeting ENs, occasional SF problems, bad communication tactics, Givers/Takers out of whack, etc, etc, etc. These popping up over the years add up, apparently, because...
Fast forward to now...
My 10yr hi-school reunion was at the end of July. I wanted to go stag with the boys(mistake) and leave her at home with my 10mth old D(bigger mistake) and told her as much(the absolute worse) after quite a few heated arguments. I felt this way because we have different "entertainment" priorities and because I wanted to avoid an ugly scene between me, my W, and the x if she showed. (thank God she didn't)
This event was the catalyst for my current situation. Two days ago, my W informed me she wanted out. Said she was tired of me, of being married, of me not being able to resolve issues, of feeling like she's my [censored] doll, of just generally doing all the work in the marriage. Of course I took offense, but the damage is done. She said she'd give us a year, then really be looking to leave me, but if she was bold enough to mention it, she's ready to ride now. That's the kind of person she is.
I did start talking to her to try to change her mind, but right now I feel she's in double lockdown. One, because of her feelings toward me right now, and Two, because she is knee deep in the busiest time of the year for her job.
I have been reading up on the Basic Concepts and on how people have applied them and the results (thanks forum members!) I have a plan to get her back, but I also have time constraints that cannot be ignored. Basically I have a week starting tomorrow to get this right, but, she will be busy for another two weeks and she traditionally concentrates entirely on her job during this period, meaning early mornings, late nights, little conversation, no sex/affection for 8-10 days.
Meanwhile, our marriage has broken down worse than a motor with no oil. No sex, affection, or intimacy since early July. Stilted or no meaningful conversation at home. Rushed phone calls when I call her, because she has nothing to say or is too busy with work. When she does call, it's something about the little one or something has gone wrong and she wants to snap at me about it.
There's more of course, but you've either been there or are there, so I'll stop. I am starting to fall apart. I alternately want to break something or cry. I don't want to lose my family, but it seems that one member of that family is ready to blow it all to hell. I have considered calling up some old "friends" but remembering the PAIN from the last D-Day, I promised myself that I would permanently and officially split up from my W before I would seek others in that fashion. The thought of going through with leaving her is equivalent to residence in Hell with gasoline drawers, so here I am.
Sorry it took so long to get this out, but, I can't talk to my normal outlets about this because they all have too much invested, and would probably give me bad advice. Any suggesstions, thoughts, feelings, emotions, prayers or advice will be welcomed.
take care,
bamboozled
If I'm here, you know I'm in trouble, right? But first a little history.
met W to be in Fall '92, my freshman year in college, while still in ACTIVE relationship with hi-school sweetheart. Bad, very bad, I know. Maintained relationship with sweetheart, then started long drawn out breakup while cultivating new relationship with W to be.(knew she was THE ONE!) Having recently perused the concepts that are found on places on this site, I now see the folly in this "breakup". No complete separation, you see. Anyway, of course W to be, now GF at this stage, found out, but after it was all over, in spring '94. Let's just say there was LBs all over the freaking place, across three Florida cities, from then until 1/97. However, despite all the LBs we were still crazy about each other, got married in 1/96, and proceded on best we could. Aside from the occasional flare up when she would throw my pre-marital A in my face when she got angry about something else resulting in LBs all around, we were pretty happy.
Some basic lingering problems remain which include all the usuals from what I've read here...
no one meeting ENs, occasional SF problems, bad communication tactics, Givers/Takers out of whack, etc, etc, etc. These popping up over the years add up, apparently, because...
Fast forward to now...
My 10yr hi-school reunion was at the end of July. I wanted to go stag with the boys(mistake) and leave her at home with my 10mth old D(bigger mistake) and told her as much(the absolute worse) after quite a few heated arguments. I felt this way because we have different "entertainment" priorities and because I wanted to avoid an ugly scene between me, my W, and the x if she showed. (thank God she didn't)
This event was the catalyst for my current situation. Two days ago, my W informed me she wanted out. Said she was tired of me, of being married, of me not being able to resolve issues, of feeling like she's my [censored] doll, of just generally doing all the work in the marriage. Of course I took offense, but the damage is done. She said she'd give us a year, then really be looking to leave me, but if she was bold enough to mention it, she's ready to ride now. That's the kind of person she is.
I did start talking to her to try to change her mind, but right now I feel she's in double lockdown. One, because of her feelings toward me right now, and Two, because she is knee deep in the busiest time of the year for her job.
I have been reading up on the Basic Concepts and on how people have applied them and the results (thanks forum members!) I have a plan to get her back, but I also have time constraints that cannot be ignored. Basically I have a week starting tomorrow to get this right, but, she will be busy for another two weeks and she traditionally concentrates entirely on her job during this period, meaning early mornings, late nights, little conversation, no sex/affection for 8-10 days.
Meanwhile, our marriage has broken down worse than a motor with no oil. No sex, affection, or intimacy since early July. Stilted or no meaningful conversation at home. Rushed phone calls when I call her, because she has nothing to say or is too busy with work. When she does call, it's something about the little one or something has gone wrong and she wants to snap at me about it.
There's more of course, but you've either been there or are there, so I'll stop. I am starting to fall apart. I alternately want to break something or cry. I don't want to lose my family, but it seems that one member of that family is ready to blow it all to hell. I have considered calling up some old "friends" but remembering the PAIN from the last D-Day, I promised myself that I would permanently and officially split up from my W before I would seek others in that fashion. The thought of going through with leaving her is equivalent to residence in Hell with gasoline drawers, so here I am.
Sorry it took so long to get this out, but, I can't talk to my normal outlets about this because they all have too much invested, and would probably give me bad advice. Any suggesstions, thoughts, feelings, emotions, prayers or advice will be welcomed.
take care,
bamboozled