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Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 2
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Hi y'all,
If I'm here, you know I'm in trouble, right? But first a little history.

met W to be in Fall '92, my freshman year in college, while still in ACTIVE relationship with hi-school sweetheart. Bad, very bad, I know. Maintained relationship with sweetheart, then started long drawn out breakup while cultivating new relationship with W to be.(knew she was THE ONE!) Having recently perused the concepts that are found on places on this site, I now see the folly in this "breakup". No complete separation, you see. Anyway, of course W to be, now GF at this stage, found out, but after it was all over, in spring '94. Let's just say there was LBs all over the freaking place, across three Florida cities, from then until 1/97. However, despite all the LBs we were still crazy about each other, got married in 1/96, and proceded on best we could. Aside from the occasional flare up when she would throw my pre-marital A in my face when she got angry about something else resulting in LBs all around, we were pretty happy.

Some basic lingering problems remain which include all the usuals from what I've read here...
no one meeting ENs, occasional SF problems, bad communication tactics, Givers/Takers out of whack, etc, etc, etc. These popping up over the years add up, apparently, because...

Fast forward to now...
My 10yr hi-school reunion was at the end of July. I wanted to go stag with the boys(mistake) and leave her at home with my 10mth old D(bigger mistake) and told her as much(the absolute worse) after quite a few heated arguments. I felt this way because we have different "entertainment" priorities and because I wanted to avoid an ugly scene between me, my W, and the x if she showed. (thank God she didn't)

This event was the catalyst for my current situation. Two days ago, my W informed me she wanted out. Said she was tired of me, of being married, of me not being able to resolve issues, of feeling like she's my [censored] doll, of just generally doing all the work in the marriage. Of course I took offense, but the damage is done. She said she'd give us a year, then really be looking to leave me, but if she was bold enough to mention it, she's ready to ride now. That's the kind of person she is.

I did start talking to her to try to change her mind, but right now I feel she's in double lockdown. One, because of her feelings toward me right now, and Two, because she is knee deep in the busiest time of the year for her job.

I have been reading up on the Basic Concepts and on how people have applied them and the results (thanks forum members!) I have a plan to get her back, but I also have time constraints that cannot be ignored. Basically I have a week starting tomorrow to get this right, but, she will be busy for another two weeks and she traditionally concentrates entirely on her job during this period, meaning early mornings, late nights, little conversation, no sex/affection for 8-10 days.

Meanwhile, our marriage has broken down worse than a motor with no oil. No sex, affection, or intimacy since early July. Stilted or no meaningful conversation at home. Rushed phone calls when I call her, because she has nothing to say or is too busy with work. When she does call, it's something about the little one or something has gone wrong and she wants to snap at me about it.

There's more of course, but you've either been there or are there, so I'll stop. I am starting to fall apart. I alternately want to break something or cry. I don't want to lose my family, but it seems that one member of that family is ready to blow it all to hell. I have considered calling up some old "friends" but remembering the PAIN from the last D-Day, I promised myself that I would permanently and officially split up from my W before I would seek others in that fashion. The thought of going through with leaving her is equivalent to residence in Hell with gasoline drawers, so here I am.

Sorry it took so long to get this out, but, I can't talk to my normal outlets about this because they all have too much invested, and would probably give me bad advice. Any suggesstions, thoughts, feelings, emotions, prayers or advice will be welcomed.

take care,
bamboozled

Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 647
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Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 647
Bamboozled,
No offense,but you have messed up big time!
#1 If you want to be married for LIFE, you don't have a pre-marital agreement. I understand the motivation-I had one in my last marriage. I eventually tore it up as it caused more turmoil than it was worth! It was like saying " I want to marry you on MY TERMS WHICH ARE COMPFY TO ME AND IF IT DOESN'T WORK OUT, I WILL BE UNAFFECTED FINANCIALLY.In other words "I didn't trust the love or relationship and wasn't going into it "for better or worse-just o.k. or better"

The biggest "WORST" thing that you did was that you made your wife feel second best to your past. As a married woman I know that if my husband was even slightly considering what would happen if he bumped into a woman from his past-I would be mortified and he'd have to live apart from me and basically have to suck up and "UNDO THE DAMAGE" for a long time before I would believe in us again and want to make a go fo it again!
Lets see-you are a married man with a child and you wanted to go to your reunion without the woman of your life! If you want to act like this the best thing for your wife could be that you leave her to move on to "Your new life".
Otherwise,suck up and be the best husband and let her know that SHE IS THE ONLY WOMAN FOR YOU and forget your childish stuff! You're a father and husband right?????Then act like it too always! Good luck and I will be praying for the both of you.

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 2
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Joined: Aug 2002
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hey ezra,
thanks 4 da reality check.
The plan is in fact to get right with her, I just hope that I can pull it off.

We'll soon see, I guess.
Thx 4 the luck. I'll need it

Joined: Jan 2002
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bamboozled -

Sorry that you've found yourself in this mess, but remember, it took a long time to get into the situation you're in and so realistically, it will take some time to get out.

If you've been reading the info. on this site, then you know that making a marriage work means a total change in thinking and acting. It's not somehting that can be faked or it won't be the real you, you won't be able to sustain it and you'll both be unhappy.

What is going to work is for your W to see long term change - that's what Plan A is about. The reason why it is suggested that people Plan A for 6 months is because that's how long it takes for the other spouse to finally trust that the changes are real and that they will last.

And you can continue to Plan A no matter what happens - so people Plan A living in different countries. Plan A is an attitude. You can not LB anytime. You can meet her needs whenever she lets you. It's ok if she seems to be on another track, but if you are CONSISTENT, then eventually she'll notice.

It seems that you have a few connections with her that you may over looked. What about the relationship that you have with your child? She will be spending time being a mom, so why don't you be there and get involved parenting together?

Most women look for men who are good fathers.

Are you providing for her financially? I know that she works, but continue to help her feel financially stable, like she's not the only one supporting the familiy.

Are you making sure that you're always looking your best when you see her? Can you make sure the house is clean when she comes home from work?

Can you e-mail her cards that just say Hi! Hope you're hveing a good day? Can you leave her a note or care on her dresser or in the bathroom mirror, or in her car, for her to find later. Don't over load - slow and steady wins the race. Can you mail her a letter?

Are you talking to her family about how much you love her and how much she means to you and how you want to win her back?

You may want to print out and fill out the Emotional Needs and Love Busting questionaire and answer it as if you were your wife so that you will have some direction - you may even want to ask her if you got any of it right? Maybe she'll fill you in on a few things.

The key is not to pressure, but to be a friend.

And when the craziness starts to go away, then she'll begin to realize that you've been there all along. Just start now.

Human beings are complicated. Things take time and both of you need to grow and change, so that you can have a really great marriage, not only for you, but for your children, who learn from your example.

Judith Wallerstein also has some good books about the effects of divorce on children. Sometimes they make the parents really think about getting divorced, once they see the negative effects that divorce can have.

I hope that you find your way through all of this.

And don't forget to pray - The Power of a Praying Husband by Stormie Omaritan is a great book to buy and use.

Good luck. K

Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 193
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Welcome to the board, Bamboozled although it's too bad you're here under these circumstances. Sounds like you've been doing a lot of reading and that's good. Get to know the whys and wherefores of plan A from the inside out but keep in mind that as GIC said, it took a long to get where you are and the results might be slow coming.

The other suggestion I have, is that you post on the emotional needs board as well as it seems you're still a long way from the divorce courts. Do it right and that's the way it'll stay. Good luck!


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