TTHO
Yes, I really do understand. We had planned our whole lives for the time when our kids were self-sufficient. Our plan was for me to retire early and work part-time (cuz I put him through undergrad, grad, and PhD school) so H and I could do lots of traveling (one of the things he seems to have "blanked out" on that we enjoy together).
We were on government assistance until our kids were about 5& 6 years old...and then things started "clicking" financially and we are actually upper class now (or were, not sure how things will be if D happens).
I know you are also struggling because he's there in the house with you... I imagine you might be caught in a pretending kind of behavior in some things since your son is there. It's hard to hide things from other adults (like you could if he was a child). For me, my H told me he was unhappy in April but for the sake of our daughter's wedding in June, we pretended through that entire period. It gave me time to Plan A for all I was worth! But her wedding was so bittersweet because I knew he was leaving as soon as he could. He and I had agreed to not do or say anything until after the wedding. So we told our daughter and her new H the day they got back from their honeymoon (welcome to the family, son! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ). She was glad we hadn't told her and allowed her (and our families) to enjoy the wedding w/o knowing. It affected only me, I suppose, which is OK. One of those sacrifices mothers make for their kids <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Definitely read SAA as soon as you can. It's available in local bookstores. If you are going to try to get through the holidays, that may be YOUR "bittersweet time". Just try to focus on YOU. Do the Plan A thing while he's still in the house. This may be your only opportunity to interact, to show your H changes, etc. I know from personal experience that once he moves out, it is VERY difficult to work on the marriage. Life takes on an "out of sight, out of mind" mentality (for BOTH of you). That's where I'm at now, trying to overcome that.
Have you consulted a lawyer? At our age, there are a lot more assets and financial and legal ramifications from separation and divorce. I would strongly recommend seeing a lawyer, just for advice, so you won't be caught off guard, not to initiate anything. Different states have different ways of determining things. You can also go to
DivorceNet or
Divorce Source These sites give basic information. You need to protect yourself with knowledge so you won't be taken advantage of. After all, you invested into your marriage for a long time.
It sounds trite, but it will get better, no matter what happens. I know you can't see it now, but I promise it will. Take it one day at a time, starting this weekend.